I had the privilege of sitting in N's car last night.
I haven't had much contact with N previously. I do like her as a person. She looks very pleasant, intelligent and she always has all these interesting funny sharings about her experiences with God. But it is just that, she always gave me an impression she doesn't really want to talk to me (maybe it is not me; maybe it is to everyone) so I don't usually dare to take the initiative.
Last night, I learnt that we actually stayed in the same area, which is quite rare! So she offered me a ride and I took the offer.
We had a good chat on the way back.
She asked if I were a teacher...she said I have the teacher face.
I don't know but everyone seems to like to say that. And I really don't know if there is really a characteristic 'teacher face'. I would love to think of it as the intelligent face. (All my teacher friends must be smiling.)
I had shared that I really love writing and I would hope to continue writing as a job/career if I could.
Yes, I really like writing.
She asked me whyI didn't try to be a journalist.
Well, I am not sure if I told you. Before I headed to the university, I tried to apply for a scholarship with the news agency. I went for a writing test... Since then, I haven't dared to imagine having writing as a career anymore.
I do love to write...I don't know if I love it as much as the journalists, but I would think I probably don't write as well.
Whatever.
If you ask me what do I really want to do with my life, frankly, I am clueless.
It is not because I don't think hard enough. I think it is because I think too hard.
Maybe I should just go with the flow, like what Father D did.
I remember his sharing about how there were no revelations from God, no inspiration from scripture, no dreams to prophesize his future, contrary to what we believe.
It was just a stirring of the heart towards a certain way of life, towards a certain sect, to pursue a certain lifestyle.
Stirring of the heart.
So now, if you ask me what do I want to do with my life really, I still have no answer.
But I know two things:
1) I want to be really good in my languages. So I will really concentrate on increasing my profiency in Japanese and Spanish. I want to venture into English-Chinese translation if the opportunity is available (if not, I will pass it).
2) I really want to continue writing, in one way or another. I want to write essays that can be published in newspapers, reflections that will get people thinking.
I think that is enough for now.
And you'd probably realized, I have decided too, not to forever be a Jack of all trades and a Master of none.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Y says to me "Dance when you have the chance"
As of what I have last heard, C has been retrenched.
I remember my reaction was just an open mouth and dropped jaw. How can so much possibly happen in such a short span of time?
How can he be rejected one moment by HDB because in his own words, their combined incomes are too high to apply for a flat, and then the next moment, being out of a job together with his wife?
Yes, they are both retrenched. I find that pretty hard to believe.
Maybe I take things for granted. The job. The money. And the life that I have.
...
On Monday, the Salsa gang met up in E's house to practise Rueda. We are going to perform in her wedding.
It is a fun activity for me because I think it is a blessing to be able to dance for a friend on such a special occasion.
The fact is, E had earlier approaches R and me to do a swing dance. E loves swing music and dances swing too. But R had declined, to my disappointment.
Just as I would have hoped that he would perform with me in a good friend's wedding, I would rather not force him to do anything against his will.
The way I imagine it, he would not force me to do anything against my will.
Anyhow, the practice turned out fine in the end, although initially, it was really quite messy. I guess lunch gave our shuffling feet and cloudy minds a boost of energy.
I am really looking forward to her wedding dinner!
...
The way I see it, life can be pretty unpredictable.
Well, not that we don't already know it. I know you know it. I know I know it. I know we all know it.
We just tend to, yes, take things for granted.
There is an audition in October and I keep hesitating about whether to go or not.
For me, I am always afraid of 'malu-ing' myself. I am afraid that I cannot catch up with the routine. I am afraid that I will look clumsy.
I am afraid that people will laugh at me. I am afraid of being ridiculed.
But all those are only thoughts in my head, I am sure.
Like a casual performance at a friend's wedding, I am sure people see the courage and the effort more than the execution of the moves itself.
They see the sincerity. They see the desire. They see the heart.
But even if they don't see that, who cares? Why should I be so bothered about what people see?
I don't know how long I can keep dancing--Face it: I am not a professional. Some day, some other commitments will creep into the picture to claim top priority. And especially when I am getting married next year, how much more time can I self-centredly put in dancing?
So if life is so short, and so unpredictable, I should really just dance when I have the chance.
I remember my reaction was just an open mouth and dropped jaw. How can so much possibly happen in such a short span of time?
How can he be rejected one moment by HDB because in his own words, their combined incomes are too high to apply for a flat, and then the next moment, being out of a job together with his wife?
Yes, they are both retrenched. I find that pretty hard to believe.
Maybe I take things for granted. The job. The money. And the life that I have.
...
On Monday, the Salsa gang met up in E's house to practise Rueda. We are going to perform in her wedding.
It is a fun activity for me because I think it is a blessing to be able to dance for a friend on such a special occasion.
The fact is, E had earlier approaches R and me to do a swing dance. E loves swing music and dances swing too. But R had declined, to my disappointment.
Just as I would have hoped that he would perform with me in a good friend's wedding, I would rather not force him to do anything against his will.
The way I imagine it, he would not force me to do anything against my will.
Anyhow, the practice turned out fine in the end, although initially, it was really quite messy. I guess lunch gave our shuffling feet and cloudy minds a boost of energy.
I am really looking forward to her wedding dinner!
...
The way I see it, life can be pretty unpredictable.
Well, not that we don't already know it. I know you know it. I know I know it. I know we all know it.
We just tend to, yes, take things for granted.
There is an audition in October and I keep hesitating about whether to go or not.
For me, I am always afraid of 'malu-ing' myself. I am afraid that I cannot catch up with the routine. I am afraid that I will look clumsy.
I am afraid that people will laugh at me. I am afraid of being ridiculed.
But all those are only thoughts in my head, I am sure.
Like a casual performance at a friend's wedding, I am sure people see the courage and the effort more than the execution of the moves itself.
They see the sincerity. They see the desire. They see the heart.
But even if they don't see that, who cares? Why should I be so bothered about what people see?
I don't know how long I can keep dancing--Face it: I am not a professional. Some day, some other commitments will creep into the picture to claim top priority. And especially when I am getting married next year, how much more time can I self-centredly put in dancing?
So if life is so short, and so unpredictable, I should really just dance when I have the chance.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Sense and insensitivity
As of today, I need to work on being less sensitive.
Because I have been told--I am rather, too sensitive. Which I am not sure if it is true or not...but I will take that to be the case for now, because else, as what I have been told, I would be very miserable.
Sensitivity and paranoia are just a line apart. I think I may be becoming more of the latter unknowingly and tipping the balance.
...
In an attempt to involve my parents in my wedding preparation, I had told them excitedly that the wedding cake which my cousin sent 4 months ago cost $6.80.
I don't know what you think of it, but it was JUST a comment on my part.
I had wanted to update my parents on the wedding cakes issue...that was the opening line.
But their reaction was totally alarming, at least to me.
"WHY ARE YOU SO STINGY?" came their unanimous reply.
Huh? I wasn't sure what stinginess had to do with it.
All I know is that I feel hurt inside.
I shared this story with N and asked for her opinion.
That was her reply--I was too sensitive for my own good.
Was that really the case?
I don't know. I only know that my intentions --if I were really sensitive--were good. I didn't want myself to be an A**hole or a pain in the neck. I didn't want to be totally oblivious of what others thought of me.
Maybe, maybe, I wanted to be an angel. That is clearly not in my conscious mind, but it could be lurking in my subconscious.
...
And so, I shall stop trying to be so sensitive.
Although I am not sure how successful I will be.
But I will try.
Because I have been told--I am rather, too sensitive. Which I am not sure if it is true or not...but I will take that to be the case for now, because else, as what I have been told, I would be very miserable.
Sensitivity and paranoia are just a line apart. I think I may be becoming more of the latter unknowingly and tipping the balance.
...
In an attempt to involve my parents in my wedding preparation, I had told them excitedly that the wedding cake which my cousin sent 4 months ago cost $6.80.
I don't know what you think of it, but it was JUST a comment on my part.
I had wanted to update my parents on the wedding cakes issue...that was the opening line.
But their reaction was totally alarming, at least to me.
"WHY ARE YOU SO STINGY?" came their unanimous reply.
Huh? I wasn't sure what stinginess had to do with it.
All I know is that I feel hurt inside.
I shared this story with N and asked for her opinion.
That was her reply--I was too sensitive for my own good.
Was that really the case?
I don't know. I only know that my intentions --if I were really sensitive--were good. I didn't want myself to be an A**hole or a pain in the neck. I didn't want to be totally oblivious of what others thought of me.
Maybe, maybe, I wanted to be an angel. That is clearly not in my conscious mind, but it could be lurking in my subconscious.
...
And so, I shall stop trying to be so sensitive.
Although I am not sure how successful I will be.
But I will try.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A Retreat into wait and hope
I have just returned from a retreat over the weekend. It was a retreat for the choir which I am in, and I must confess I had second thoughts about going initially. Simply because, I am really not that close to anyone, and I am really afraid of being left out. But I decided to take a gamble to go for it.
...
I am glad I did.
Because while the initial sessions (the whole retreat is divided into various sessions) wasn't that great, it slowly built up to a climax that moved me to tears.
Yes, quite literally.
It is funny, because I had seen that particular cartoon (not animated, just a 2-D cartoon) at least twice, but I hadn't been this moved.
I was so moved until I was weeping.
And it is just an oxy-moron cartoon--you've probably seen it--called 'The Cross'.
The cartoon starts off with a lot of people carrying their crosses. Evidently, it is heavy.
It zooms in on one character--that's supposed to be you--which then comments "Lord, it is too heavy. Please cut it down a little."
The character proceeded to cut it himself.
He continued on for a distance before sheepishly looking up again, saying "Lord, please cut it a little more. I will be able to carry it better..."
And he cut the cross more himself.
He walked on and reached a valley. He wasn't sure how he should cross it. He stood there...as everyone else proceeded to lay the cross across the valley to move to the other side.
He sat down, exasperated.
...
I thought it was a powerful message then...because it spoke right to my heart.
We all experience struggles in life. Often, we think we can't continue anymore.
But actually, that is not true. We can continue, if we just continue.
Please do not get the impression it is a passive state of mere waiting, because that is not the case.
In that act alone lies perseverance, surrender and courage.
...
I especially like L's sharing about her family plight.
She has been in the same company for 20 plus years. In that span of a fifth of a century, she has only been promoted once.
All the time she shared, I kept wondering if my plight is a microscale of hers.
But she has hung on in her job because her husband hadn't been able to keep his, and she needed the job to provide for the family.
For fifteen years, she has been very angry. She has been resentful. She has been disappointed.
I am not sure if I can ever emphatize because that alone, hanging on for twenty-plus years is just seemingly impossible.
But now, she has turned that negative energy all into positive vibes. She is thankful that she has been able to bring food to the table. She is glad that the family is still intact together.
On Saturday, they celebrated their 20-plus-th wedding anniversary.
And all I see is courage and strength.
...
So I am really thankful I went for the retreat.
Because as of now, I feel recharged. I guess that is what retreats are supposed to do to you.
And I hold this message dear to my heart: That I not clamour for anything.
I will just keep on walking. And wait as I walk.
...
I am glad I did.
Because while the initial sessions (the whole retreat is divided into various sessions) wasn't that great, it slowly built up to a climax that moved me to tears.
Yes, quite literally.
It is funny, because I had seen that particular cartoon (not animated, just a 2-D cartoon) at least twice, but I hadn't been this moved.
I was so moved until I was weeping.
And it is just an oxy-moron cartoon--you've probably seen it--called 'The Cross'.
The cartoon starts off with a lot of people carrying their crosses. Evidently, it is heavy.
It zooms in on one character--that's supposed to be you--which then comments "Lord, it is too heavy. Please cut it down a little."
The character proceeded to cut it himself.
He continued on for a distance before sheepishly looking up again, saying "Lord, please cut it a little more. I will be able to carry it better..."
And he cut the cross more himself.
He walked on and reached a valley. He wasn't sure how he should cross it. He stood there...as everyone else proceeded to lay the cross across the valley to move to the other side.
He sat down, exasperated.
...
I thought it was a powerful message then...because it spoke right to my heart.
We all experience struggles in life. Often, we think we can't continue anymore.
But actually, that is not true. We can continue, if we just continue.
Please do not get the impression it is a passive state of mere waiting, because that is not the case.
In that act alone lies perseverance, surrender and courage.
...
I especially like L's sharing about her family plight.
She has been in the same company for 20 plus years. In that span of a fifth of a century, she has only been promoted once.
All the time she shared, I kept wondering if my plight is a microscale of hers.
But she has hung on in her job because her husband hadn't been able to keep his, and she needed the job to provide for the family.
For fifteen years, she has been very angry. She has been resentful. She has been disappointed.
I am not sure if I can ever emphatize because that alone, hanging on for twenty-plus years is just seemingly impossible.
But now, she has turned that negative energy all into positive vibes. She is thankful that she has been able to bring food to the table. She is glad that the family is still intact together.
On Saturday, they celebrated their 20-plus-th wedding anniversary.
And all I see is courage and strength.
...
So I am really thankful I went for the retreat.
Because as of now, I feel recharged. I guess that is what retreats are supposed to do to you.
And I hold this message dear to my heart: That I not clamour for anything.
I will just keep on walking. And wait as I walk.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Opting out
It is Friday, the last day of the week. I feel a little relieved, but it is just a little a little.
It is again another busy weekend awaiting.
Today, I rush home to go for a retreat, and I won't return home till Sunday, after which I have Tango classes in the evening.
And yes, that means my house chores are undone. That means I have to make sure I still have the energy to iron my clothes after dinner and do my laundry after I have done the ironing.
Those thoughts alone make me want to take MC on Monday.
I think I have this cycle constantly repeating: A senang weekend, and I feel too bored. I cramp my schedule up, and I feel that I need space. And then the cycle repeats, and repeats.
I never learn my mistakes.
I guess I like the caged life of a hamster.
...
The week has been a pretty calm one. No big disasters or big conflicts. Life just takes a normal step at one time.
That is good.
There has been issues to settle though. Tough ones.
R and I got a ticket to choose a flat in the BTO series. Due to some unforeseen circumstances on our sides, we are contemplating if we should give up this ticket.
And mind you, it is a good number.
While it hasn't been me initiating the decision to ballot for a flat, I was totally taken aback by his suggestion of opting out.
We are still praying about it.
The way I see it: we should just keep the number and get the place, not because I can definitely pay for it, but because it is just a matter of time before we get into such a situation again. So why not now than later? Why not now when we have the assets of time and energy?
And then there is my parents' annuity issue to settle.
Yes, that is a heavy burden, so heavy that sometimes I wish I had a choice to opt out of it. Like the ticket.
But of course, I can't do that.
I don't know if I ever told you but my parents know nothing about financial planning.
They have no savings. Their CPF is meagre. They have nothing except for the flat unit that I am staying in. Naturally then, it is me since my brother has proven time and again he is not trustworthy. I too wish he is, but he hasn't proven me wrong otherwise.
So I have really been working very hard, not so much for myself, but for them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am ranting--I am really not in the best of moods today, even though yes, I am thankful that it is Friday.
I am thankful it is Friday because I can finally take a break from my work, which is just miserably ... unpromisingly boring, for lack of a better word.
And it is ok if it is boring. I have learnt that most jobs are.
Type a document. Gosh. That can be boring.
Prepare a report. Gosh. That can be boring.
Write a speech. Gosh. That can be boring too!
Life can be boring, I accept that.
It is only when life gets unpromising that makes one lose heart.
Ever since that little episode about those seemingly insignificant lesson plans which I have taken so much heart to prepare, I have become very disconcerted.
Just how much am my efforts worth?
And I am not talking in monetary terms.
But the irony of the situation right now is, since I can't get the things I want, all I can do is to grit my teeth here.
And I can't help but wonder what I should look forward to. Is there anything to even look forward to?
(I bet there is--I am sure I will find it when my mood gets better.)
Can I opt out of the freedom of free will?
Can't God just mandate me what I should do next?
It is again another busy weekend awaiting.
Today, I rush home to go for a retreat, and I won't return home till Sunday, after which I have Tango classes in the evening.
And yes, that means my house chores are undone. That means I have to make sure I still have the energy to iron my clothes after dinner and do my laundry after I have done the ironing.
Those thoughts alone make me want to take MC on Monday.
I think I have this cycle constantly repeating: A senang weekend, and I feel too bored. I cramp my schedule up, and I feel that I need space. And then the cycle repeats, and repeats.
I never learn my mistakes.
I guess I like the caged life of a hamster.
...
The week has been a pretty calm one. No big disasters or big conflicts. Life just takes a normal step at one time.
That is good.
There has been issues to settle though. Tough ones.
R and I got a ticket to choose a flat in the BTO series. Due to some unforeseen circumstances on our sides, we are contemplating if we should give up this ticket.
And mind you, it is a good number.
While it hasn't been me initiating the decision to ballot for a flat, I was totally taken aback by his suggestion of opting out.
We are still praying about it.
The way I see it: we should just keep the number and get the place, not because I can definitely pay for it, but because it is just a matter of time before we get into such a situation again. So why not now than later? Why not now when we have the assets of time and energy?
And then there is my parents' annuity issue to settle.
Yes, that is a heavy burden, so heavy that sometimes I wish I had a choice to opt out of it. Like the ticket.
But of course, I can't do that.
I don't know if I ever told you but my parents know nothing about financial planning.
They have no savings. Their CPF is meagre. They have nothing except for the flat unit that I am staying in. Naturally then, it is me since my brother has proven time and again he is not trustworthy. I too wish he is, but he hasn't proven me wrong otherwise.
So I have really been working very hard, not so much for myself, but for them.
I am sorry if I sound like I am ranting--I am really not in the best of moods today, even though yes, I am thankful that it is Friday.
I am thankful it is Friday because I can finally take a break from my work, which is just miserably ... unpromisingly boring, for lack of a better word.
And it is ok if it is boring. I have learnt that most jobs are.
Type a document. Gosh. That can be boring.
Prepare a report. Gosh. That can be boring.
Write a speech. Gosh. That can be boring too!
Life can be boring, I accept that.
It is only when life gets unpromising that makes one lose heart.
Ever since that little episode about those seemingly insignificant lesson plans which I have taken so much heart to prepare, I have become very disconcerted.
Just how much am my efforts worth?
And I am not talking in monetary terms.
But the irony of the situation right now is, since I can't get the things I want, all I can do is to grit my teeth here.
And I can't help but wonder what I should look forward to. Is there anything to even look forward to?
(I bet there is--I am sure I will find it when my mood gets better.)
Can I opt out of the freedom of free will?
Can't God just mandate me what I should do next?
Friday, September 4, 2009
Not flying...no wings!
As I write this entry, I am still contending with disappointment.
Even though 1) I know it is a part of life 2) I wasn't very confident in the first place 3) I am not in reality as disappointed as I thought I would be, I am still feeling it a lot.
I didn't get through to the first round of the Chinese programme.
...
Everybody had thought that I stood a very big chance.
Chinese is my first language. I took Higher Chinese all the way until Pre-U. I have a distinction in the Special Paper. I have a Diploma in teaching Chinese as a foreign language. I have done so well in my HSK that I have been awarded a one-month scholarship by Hanban.
Ain't I competent enough?
I am sorry--I can't answer that.
I can't answer that because at this point in time, I am left wondering what I can do. What am I competent in?
...
My busmate asked me why ain't I in some high-flying garmen job.
I told her I am not good enough.
My colleague asked me why ain't I trying to land myself in some right-hand man position.
I said the same thing.
The motivational speakers will tell you to believe in yourself! Trust that you can achieve greater things. Aspire and you will get it!
Right.
If we all can do that so easily, the motivational speakers will be out of a job.
....
I am really sick of aiming high and getting nothing.
But I really don't know what I can do to flap my wings.
D$%^ it...
maybe I haven't got any wings in the first place.
Even though 1) I know it is a part of life 2) I wasn't very confident in the first place 3) I am not in reality as disappointed as I thought I would be, I am still feeling it a lot.
I didn't get through to the first round of the Chinese programme.
...
Everybody had thought that I stood a very big chance.
Chinese is my first language. I took Higher Chinese all the way until Pre-U. I have a distinction in the Special Paper. I have a Diploma in teaching Chinese as a foreign language. I have done so well in my HSK that I have been awarded a one-month scholarship by Hanban.
Ain't I competent enough?
I am sorry--I can't answer that.
I can't answer that because at this point in time, I am left wondering what I can do. What am I competent in?
...
My busmate asked me why ain't I in some high-flying garmen job.
I told her I am not good enough.
My colleague asked me why ain't I trying to land myself in some right-hand man position.
I said the same thing.
The motivational speakers will tell you to believe in yourself! Trust that you can achieve greater things. Aspire and you will get it!
Right.
If we all can do that so easily, the motivational speakers will be out of a job.
....
I am really sick of aiming high and getting nothing.
But I really don't know what I can do to flap my wings.
D$%^ it...
maybe I haven't got any wings in the first place.
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