Let this year be...

"We all need to be noticed". I think Chuck said this in For One More Day, I am not sure. But I do agree.

...

I don't usually hang out with crowds of people. I don't because it doesn't appeal to me.

I crave for intimate small talk where people can tell me about their lives and their emotions, rather than one big group boisterously chatting and discussing the latest fads and trends.

I am a people-people when I am close to most of those hanging around. When it is a big big crowd, I start to feel awkward.

Or maybe, I have always a phobia for people. All these years? I don't know.

...

I am sincerely grateful to C for allowing me to the countdown last night. Although yes really, I do feel very out of the group.

Which made me wonder time and again, from before accepting the invite to when I was there, if I should be there.

I enjoy their company, but does anyone enjoy my company?

As I have learnt, human relations are stuff of heavy maintenance.

For me, it is especially hard because I think too much.

I can't create conversations when I don't even feel that I am in the circle.

Ha, maybe I am too obsessive with vibes.

Yes, yes, I may be sensitive. Maybe even overly sensitive. I acknowledge that.

But that aside, maybe then there really is some truth to it.

...

For a few moments last night, I kind of wished I hadn't chosen my 2008 to end in that way.

No no. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. I do.

They have been so much of my life that I contemplated them being my sisters for my wedding.

But last night, on the last night of 2008, I realized something:

Relationships are a two-way process. I may like someone very much but if that extent of likeness is not reciprocated, then it will only run into a dead end.

....

No no, I don't have many friends.

That is true, really.

Maybe I am too choosy. Maybe I am too selective. Maybe I am too rotten. Maybe, maybe I am just meant to be lonely?

Do I hate that fact?

Yes, of course.

But I can't help it.

I have been trying to mix in, but I haven't been successful.

The way I have learnt: Friendships are fostered over time, over toil, hardship and sweat.

So I guess it is only right that I feel left out since I didn't participate in all four of them.

...

I guess I meant to say, I cherish the times we spent togther.

That they were there to comfort me when I cried, to hold me when I fell.

To laugh with me when I laughed, to teach me when I am stuck.

All that I appreciate. From the bottom of my heart.

And I feel sad that I am amidst the shadows in their hearts' boundaries.

That I will only always be amidst the shadows.

...

It has always been like this since young, and while it is upsetting, I have gotten used to it somehow.

I am a figure of the shadow and that way I shall stay.

There is nothing to lament about; it just needs acknowledgement and contentment.

....

2009: Let this be a year of acknowledgement, discernment and contentment.

All the best for the new year!

The last blog entry before the new year!

*screams*

I have many things to write about, yet I am not sure what I should write about. Well...

...

I was looking through my stuff when I came across old letters and cards which dated back to 2004.

Gee. What was I doing then?

I had probably just finished my Honours year, applied to do Masters.

2004. I don't know. Feels like a long time ago. Was I like how I am now?

I don't know. I feel that that part of my memory is blocked. How and why, I can't explain. But I just can't seem to be able to access it.

I saw the letter from my friend. So we did write to each other for a while? Why can't I recall that?

What happened thereafter? Was it I who broke the correspondence?

Then, I should feel ashamed.

...

I am feeling terribly afraid.

You see. I look forward to my new job, but at the same time, I am afraid.

Morrie says that is a tension of opposites.

I think so too!

A tension of opposites. Looking forward yet dreadful. Hhmmm...just like how I love dance and hate it. How I love R and hate him sometimes?

Ha...I don't know.

I am heading for a countdown party tonight. And I am quite anxious about it too.

Anxious because it has been a long time since I went to one and I am not quite sure if the company will turn out ok.

Well...I worry too much I think.

Time to start worrying less and doing more!

Thanks for the great friendship in the past year!

All the best to you for 2009!!!

Lesson of the year

I usually take quite a long time to read a book but in two days, I have finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Even R was surprised. When I returned the book to him (it belongs to his sister), he went "So fast?"

Yeah. I guess that meant it is a good book.

Because it is.

...

You must be quite familiar with the contents even though you may not have read it yourself. It is a New York Bestseller so I would assume everyone kind of know what happens in the story.

Yes, it is a story. But it is a true story, I think.

For about fourteen Tuesdays (I think), the author visits his ex-Professor as the latter rests at home due to ALS.

It is their final thesis together, the Professor would say.

The Professor was dying but he decided to make the awaiting of death his final project.

He decided not to wallow in self-pity but instead dedicate his time to more meaningful things.

I am glad he did.

...

The Professor talked about many things, all of which are meaningful.

The fact is, I like it so much that it really doesn't matter even if it is fiction made-up. I willingly buy the story. Fully. Whole-heartedly.

I like how the Professor (and also the author) handle the many issues. From money to the value of life to the essence of love.

You see, we all know these things. We all do.

We all know there is no value chasing after material things. We only end up chasing for more.

But we still crave for it.

We all know we should forgive one another for past hurts and grievances. We only end up with more hatred.

But we still harbour all those evil sentiments.

We all know that we need one another. Humans are a society that need to work with, live with and love one another.

But we end up building little walls surrounding us.

Don't ask me why. I don't have the answers.

But I do know: When death stares at us in the face, all the truth will be revealed.

That is why I say, we all know the truth. We just pretend it doesn't exist because, because we think of ourselves as immortal.

But...we are not.

...

I am just returned from a morning hanging around old folks.

First, R and I visited Ah Kook in the Home. She is our friend.

I can't say I can relate to her very well. I try.

Before, I used to be terribly afraid of old people. After interacting with her, I am not so afraid.

Then, a few of us went to the Gift of Love Home in Thomson Road.

We didn't do much, unfortunately, but we gave them a small token for Christmas.

I am actually quite tired now, but I am happy about how my day has been spent so far.

In a moment, I am leaving the house for Mass. It is the Feast Day of my Church.

I am listening to 'The Priests' Album now. It leaves me inspired and serene.

It is a good day. And for a while. my days have all been very good.

I am glad.

...

I have been feeling inspired these few days.

Maybe it has something to do with Tuesdays with Morrie. All those lessons.

Maybe it is the trip to Ipoh. The blessing of good weather and nice people.

I know for sure, God's grace has something to do with it.

For that, I am glad. Very glad.

Sometimes, when I hear of people complaining about the Catholic Church and its many rules and how they are suffocating and I cannot understand, I am very glad.

I would rather not understand them than have feel that myself.

I am very settled in my faith so far and I am really happy.

...

It is a long rambling entry.

Sorry!

But...as 2008 ends and 2009 approaches, maybe it is time you also take an introspective view of your life.

Has the year been very good?

Or has it been bad?

Have you been happy? Doing meaningful things?

Or have you been chasing one shadow after another.

This past year, I have learnt and appreciated the lesson of mortality somewhat.

I hope you will find your lesson too.

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Day!

Christmas! Yay Yay Yay!!!

But it doesn't really feel like Christmas. Does it, on your side wherever you are?

...

I just returned from a short trip to Ipoh. I had visited the town with R and his family to visit his relatives.

It was a great trip, in that we had locals to guide us to the nice places and the best foods.

But I must admit, it can be a little difficult to be out with elders (I mean it as a general term).

I don't know if I will want to go on future trips together *keep fingers closed* so don't ask me that. Although yes, there may already be one possibility of a trip together again next year. Guess I will think about it when the time comes.

I must confess that R's relatives are indeed hospitable, and I am really thankful for that.

The fact is, they could have treated me slightly aloof (since I am not their relative; only R is) but they didn't. They treated me like family (Ha, I always joke with R in that maybe they thought I was his sister).

I am also thankful for good weather.

You see, December used to be associated with monsoon and landslides and Cameroon Highlands are a big no-no during this time of the year.

But when I was there, the weather was fantastic!! And I am glad.

So despite the few not-so-pleasant conflicts (Since when are conflicts ever pleasant) I am still very very happy!

...

2008 is coming to an end.

I am not sure if this has been a good year or a not-so-good one. You see, that verdict really depends on the parameters.

When I was in the earlier job, in the initial phases, I thought time seemed especially slow to pass. One day practically stretched forever. And it seemed to never end. Not to mention then, one month.

As I neared completion of my Chinese class modules, time seemed to pass quicker.

But it was essentially still in the same domain, isn't it? Time, as it was, will be as it is now, shall be as it will be.

I don't know then why it seemed to pass faster at some points in time and slower at others. Except that the difference was that I was more aimless initially, but I gradually gained ground.

So am I still aimless now?

...I can't answer that!

I am slightly more aware of where I am heading but I am still quite clueless. All I can say is, I want to work towards cognitive psychology or linguistics.

I may end up becoming a teacher. I may not.

I may end up with my ultimate calling. I may not.

I may continue to be aimless. I may not.

All I know is, I don't have the answers, but one day, I shall have them.

...

So what are the hits and misses of 2008?

Let's see:

I finished my Diploma finally (Wait, I should say I kind of finished, because I haven't got my results of my last module).

I took up Japanese (although yes, I am technically the worst student in class but what the heck).

I visted another place (yes, it is still Malaysia but at least I shortlisted one more potential place for retirement).

I started volunteering with SeaGrass.

I learnt that some people are in your life to reveal meaning in other people and certain events.

I understood that lost time is like dead people: they cannot be resurrected.

On the boo-boo part:

I hadn't had the time to exercise so I must factor that in next year.

I hadn't had the discipline to go for dance class so that is something to look at.

I hadn't been able to explore new hobbies with R so next year will be a good time to do that.

I hadn't had the opportunity to visit somewhere far for a long time so I will keep this in perspective.

On this new year (technically, since I am a Catholic and today is the day when Christ is born), as much as I hope to tackle the boo-boos of 2008, I also hope that I will be stronger and more resilient towards any failed accomplishments.

More importantly, I hope that I can really follow my heart truthfully and earnestly, in all that I do.

God bless.

Merry Christmas!

No elation. Just fuzzy thoughts.

I don't understand why people kept asking if I felt elated.

When questioned on why I should feel elated, the response would be "Cos you are clearing your things/leaving"...

So?

So? Is that the reason to be elated?

Is that a reason to be elated?

...

Tomorrow is officially my last day. But since I am clearing my leave, so yesterday was unofficially my last day.

How do I feel?

No no, certainly not elation.

I think elation is a strong word, mind you. I don't remember ever feeling elated.

Maybe a sense of relief.

Yes, that is it.

Yes, it is that simple!

...

R and I went to the last Swing Fling of the year last night.

On the way there, I can't help wondering why I am not elated.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe...it is because I have been preparing for this day.

Somehow. Psychologically.

So when it really happens, the whole effect is mused.

There are no extreme sentiments. It is all just another day.

Or maybe, it is because, really, I don't hate the place.

In fact, there is nothing to hate at all.

Yes, my colleagues and I are in a different world and I have got nobody to share my piece.

Yes, the students can so demanding that I feel like pulling all their hair out.

Yes, the management does suck a bit in fairness.

But then, hey! Are these not part of any job?

The weird thing is, everyone keeps thinking that I must be happier in my new job. Even when I haven't even started!

Why would they know even before I do?

...

I am going to Ipoh for a few days.

As I think about it, I kind of feel it is quite silly. Had I realized I had fourteen days, I would have planned a trip to Sri Lanka! Or even New Zealand!

Oh well, never mind. Some things, it is hard to forecast.

...

It has been a real hard week to pass so I am kind of glad today is Friday.

Although yes, there are turmoils tumbling waiting to be settled.

I am tired. In some ways. And yes, I do look forward to a break.

And perhaps, I really shouldn't dwell on the things that look seemingly impossible to solve.

I want to think about next year.

I want to have a better next year.

I am worried about the job scope, but I am sure I will survive.

I am worried I may get fatter due to a lack of exercise, but I am sure something will work out.

I am worried that next year may turn out to be more sucky...but I am sure God will lead me through.

I am worried about many things,

but I am sure God will lead me there.

Great expectations. An act of pretence.

Yesterday was one of the more 'eventful' and unpleasant days that I can remember.

Eventful, because the day was packed packed packed (as Boon would say eventful although it just means a tight schedule). And I was almost rushing from place to place.

(Yes, I am trying to look at ALL things from a positive perspective.)

After Mass it was grocery shopping. Then it was lunch before I head out to meet friends. Before I go to Bugis to change my stuff. Before I go for my company dinner.

So yes, eventful it is.

And eventful my spirits were too.

...

I met up with my council friends in the afternoon. Only 5 of us turned up.

I was disappointed at the turnout. Is it me? Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I still think it was a good meeting (sometimes, meetings can be bad). It was quite awkward at times because 1) we didn't know what to say 2) we don't have anything to say, probably because we have been too out of sync with one another.

And I realise, really, that is how life works. Time moves on and sometimes, we really don't know that person we used to know anymore.

...

Then I went for my company dinner.

I was having full expectations of it initially. But I was disappointed.

Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have expectations of it in the first place. Then, yes, maybe I won't be disappointed.

You see, when I was contemplating whether I should attend (and yesterday, since I was running a bad nose, it was whether to turn up in the end), I was persuaded to.

On hindsight, I wish I hadn't turned up.

And no, I do not intend to say bad things about the dinner. The sashimi was great! The fish was fresh. The layout was nice. The service was excellent.

I just felt...

Yeah, it just didn't feel naturally good.

Frankly, I did wonder if I could stay in contact with them after I leave. After last night, I think I kind of know the answer.

Certain feelings do not need to be explicitly spelt out.

Certain nuances do not need to be explained.

...

This is the Advent week for Joy. So nope, I shan't ponder over why I was disappointed.

Maybe, that is just the way life is meant to be. With expectations, disappointment may ensue.

So that is why, people always say,

Do not expect anything.

Do not.

And I tell myself:

Do not try so hard to pretend to be someone else.

There is no need to pretend.

Bizarre but blessed

I did something totally bizarre yesterday. So bizarre that I have no clue as to why I did it...except that I was truly hoping for transformation of the heart and I was letting God guide it all.

I messaged my ex- to say thanks.

...

Why is it bizarre?

It is beyond my own comprehension because we have not been contacting each other for so long.

How long...? ..I don't know, maybe five, six years?

If you remember, he is getting married. It is a small world; he is marrying my classmate.

Gerald shared the story of their getting-together: In a nutshell, they got together last year after a reunion set-up unintentionally planned by Gerald and Jeremy.

You know, the way Fate ties people up is bizarre.

...

The last I saw him was when he passed me a birthday present one year after we broke up.

I never really shared the story of our break-up and I don't intend to share it either. But all in all, we broke up because of a difference in personality.

Which is a legitimate reason to split, isn't it.

But that aside, I messaged him to say thanks...primarily because it striked me....

He was the one that got me started in the Catholic Faith.

The one who got me to where I am today.

You see, I used to be a Buddhist/Taoist. I followed my parents' faith. I didn't know much about it, except that we offer incense and fruits and flowers. And we go to temples.

I don't know much about the fundamentals of that faith. Maybe that is why I dropped out finally.

I was highly resistant against Christian friends, because I dislike how many (note, many, not all) of them succumb to the use of peer pressure to get people to attend their Church.

Anyway...

Yes, he started me on my faith journey. Somehow. And I am glad.

And when I thought deeply about it, I should really say thanks...

Simply because if it weren't for that introduction to the Catholic Church, I wouldn't have the desire for more pious partner, someone who can initiate me more in my faith.

And if not for that desire, I wouldn't have met R.

So really, the way God plans events can be quite...unbelievable.

...

We had a Lectio Divina session last night during RCIA.

I remember the priest. I think R and I attended a session at the seminary before.

Yes, that is how rooted in the faith he is. And I am glad.

After the session, we prayed for the deceased Miss Low who died in the Mumbai attack.

Really, like what the Priest mentioned...we, as individuals are all inter-connected. Somehow.

Thank God for friends.

Thank God for love.