I want to be an expert

I thought I should record this little milestone.

Well, it is not exactly the most appropriate date, but I think it is almost a safe estimation.

...

My resume so far has a record of 8-mth job stints.

As of today, I can say that I have almost broken that record. The end of the month will mark the 8th month (but you see, the reason why I say today is a safe estimation is because, even if I suddenly decide *touchwood!* to tender on Monday, I would have worked for 9 months already).

My previous prospective employers have harped on it hard.

Everyone has been quick to jump to the conclusion that I like job hopping. I can't take challenges. I need a constant fresh environment.

Whatever.

So well, when I decided to apply to this place (where I am now), I told myself I must hang on no matter what.

Even if it sucked.

Even if it bores the hell out of me.

Just because I need to break out of that job-hopper label.

...

That day, I woke up feeling that my world is without meaning and without hope.

It is a funny feeling to have, funnier when you wake up with it!

The last thing I remember was I had decided I will not join the performance company.

I really do want to join it, from the bottom of my heart....but not so much of the desire to shine on stage though, more so because it can help me improve.

I really want to be -better- in it. Better is the word.

The fact is, I am really sick of being a jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none.

But of course, as R has pointed out, it is not like joining the performance company will make me a master. I am probably too inflexible too late.

And he says there are other things I should devote to, if I want to uphold my argument of becoming a "master", like languages, for example.

So in his opinion, my argument is flawed.

Oh well...probably.

...

Actually, it is all about the notion of opportunity.

My colleague E told me that I was worthy of bigger responsibilities. She felt I have the calibre to land some high-flying position like a CEO's right hand (wo)man or something. My colleague P said that I am extremely versatile and will have no problem landing a job after my contract ends.

The irony is, while I also do feel that I am capable, it clearly doesn't seem to be the case.

And I realize I am beginning to doubt my own capabilities.

I aim high....but all I get are lallangs. I don't get to park on big Primary forest trees.

I try to look far out but all I see is the small ridden track in front of me. I don't see any green pastures or the deep sea.

And it is tiring because everyone thinks I am just an happy-go-lucky being who doesn't care the least where I am going. Who doesn't care about finances. Who doesn't care about my future.

Who squanders my time off doing nothing constructive.

But that is not true.

I don't.

...

The truth is that--I don't know what I am looking for.

I don't have a specific destination in mind, like an occupation or the sort.

All I want, all I really want, is a vocation that can bring me an inner satisfaction. It is not about the job; it is the challenges of the position and the fulfillment.

And yes, that can be elusive.

Whatever. Maybe I am not sure myself.

But one thing I am very sure: I do want myself to become an expert.

In something.

In anything.