Feeling stupid and I don't know why.

R said after doing it more times, freezing shouldn't happen to me in class anymore.

I don't know if that is true.

I only know that it always happen in E's class. I mean, it also happens in others' classes, like M's. But it always always happen in E's class.

Maybe it is because in his class, I always feel very incompetent.

I always feel useless and stupid in his class.

...

I shared with G just now that ironically, I seem to enjoy doing things that make me feel stupid.

I enjoy language classes, but they always make me feel stupid.

Well, as a matter of fact, I just got my test results. Most of my classmates scored 90+. I scored the mirror image.

And that adds to it, I guess, although I mus confess I was rather contented with the results.

I enjoy dance classes. Hip hop, Jazz, and all.

But they make me feel stupid too.

I kind of think it is an inferiority complex thing. Something that I can't seem to run away from.

Something that I thought I would have been able to overcome, but in actual fact no.

...

I must say I am still feeling a little lost right now.

Y says it is usual; we all go through phases like that.

But really, sometimes, I can't help feeling I wish I were someone else.

I wish I were C, who can commit all her time to herself and not worry about her parents because they are self-sufficient, and hence indulge in dance.

I wish I were L, who is the youngest in the family, who has everyone's support to carve out her own career in dance.

I wish I were D, who had started dancing at the age of 6, danced all the way from secondary school to university.

I wish I were anyone else but myself and I don't know why.

...

The fact is, I do enjoy the break from church.

I don't mean it to say that I don't like church. I do...it's just that I also enjoy the break to do my own things, to have a carefree Sunday like yesterday.

I woke up, went for Mass in the early morning, went for E's dance class, did my groceries, went home to clear up a bit, met R to meet the Father.

Then I had dinner, did my ironing and my laundry.

All in a day's work. And I do enjoy that.

...

Y says I need to heal myself. I think so too.

I need to stop wishing I were someone else.

I need to see beyond the surface of others and look into myself.

I need to appreciate my strengths and my personality and acknowledge myself.

I need to stop feeling I am stupid.

Because I am not.