Lingering on ...freedom

I hadn't gone dancing in NQ for a long time. In fact, I hadn't met up with my Salsa friends for a long time.

I went down on Tue, and there was a crowd. Among us, already there was a turnout of 6 people. At the club, it was even more crowded. I was told that it was Beginners' Night.

Right.

...

I used to think Salsa was a very sleazy dance. I guess I just wasn't comfortable at the way some guys hold the girls.

But as of now, I have become quite 'ok' with it.

I think I can appreciate the music better, not to mention, enjoy dancing more.

If guys cuddle me, and they do it in a sleazy way, then I just try my best to keep a distance.

But I don't usually get that--Thankfully--probably because 1) I am not gorgeous-looking; 2) I always stick to T-shirts (which kills all sense of femininity).

And I don't usually think highly of Salsa guys. Maybe because I have heard of a few who were j***...

But on Tue, I thought this guy was absolutely mesmerizing.

He took my breath away. For a moment...

He kept giving me reassuring pats on my back. Literally. Momentarily, he will whisper...Relax, relax. One time, he even told me to not worry and just keep smiling.

Yeah, I am very nervous when I dance with strangers.

And the way he spins! So graceful. The way he moves...He even shines with shine.

Wah...plus that cologne of his, lady-killer ah.

Haha.

In fact, I told R (he came to pick me up) that if I had not met him, I would have wooed that guy!

Of course, I am exaggerating. I don't think I will really woo him. But the fact is, I do feel that guys who can dance well or play music well exhibit an irresistible appeal.

...

I kind of wonder if I will still get to go dancing after I am married.

I have seen many people 'deteriorate' following marriage. They don't go dancing anymore. They don't socialize anymore.

They transform...into a house-person.

Which, please do not get me wrong, is not a bad thing at all.

It is good to be spending your time with the person you love. I would want to do that too.

But I do want to do other things too.

I still want to be able to go dancing (never mind about meeting impressive guys who can twirl and spin with grace and charm).

I still want to learn foreign languages and travel around the world (It would be ideal if R comes with me but if he can, I will be more than happy to have him around).

I still want to learn how to do gymnastics.

I sill want to have my own life.

And I hope that will be the case.

Healing. Outpouring. Check: Normal.

The weekend has been quite amazing.

I went for LISS, in my mind procrastinating, not really keen. I was sick anyway—so that could be a convenient excuse had I chosen to use it.

But well, since I have already paid the money, I figured I should just go ahead.

Sometimes, things turn out quite different from the way we anticipate it.

…

My first session last Sat was a culture-shock.

That sums my sentiments holistically. I wasn’t the least comfortable in the room—people raising hands, muttering what seems to be gibberish, prayers being recited. Alamak, what is this?

But come the next week, as I made my way there alone (E was sick), I thought I should just proceed on with an open heart. After all, I have already paid the money!

So…I tried.

The truth is, I have heard quite a lot about healing and all, but I have never associated the two: That I will get to experience what I had heard where I was then.

…

L found out from me what I wanted to be healed from.

The pondering over wasn’t too difficult.

It has been very hard for me. I had felt the resentment in my heart.

So, it was very natural, and only natural, that I thought of that.

The healing-over left me sobbing.

But it also gave me a sense of lightness.

I remember thinking,"Weird".

…

The next day was the more intense day: the outpouring of the gifts.

As the speaker shared, I had to admit I identified with his sentiments: Give me everything but that.

Yes, I didn’t really want the gift of tongues.

Remember I mention the culture shock I had experienced when people start breaking up in the room speaking in what seemed to be gibberish. Amidst the darkness, it can be overwhelming.
Not to mention, what if I were the one speaking!

Plus, I had heard too often of people who pretended they could speak in tongues just so that they can show it off.

I didn’t need to show off anything. I didn’t want to be speaking gibberish. And so, I really don’t quite want it.

Although technically, I wasn’t in a position to choose what I would get…It is a gift. If you get it, you say thanks! If you don’t, then that is just not supposed to be yours.

Well…

I remember feeling totally surprised that the outpouring occurred so quickly.

One moment we were in a talk, the next moment it was the session.

Amidst feeling stunned, my palms remain outstretched, facing Heaven. Don’t ask me what I was doing—I guess I was just waiting for it to come down.

Yes, it can be very intimidating.

So imagine, I standing in the centre, surrounded by four people praying over me, hands outstretched towards me.

I started crying, unconsciously.

I started weeping…and sweating profusely…even though I was directly under the air-
conditioner vent.

I was just crying, unconsciously and can’t seem to stop.

And then I feel myself falling backwards. That moment, I caught myself.

That happened two more times. I feel myself being pushed back but I catch myself everytime.

All this time, somebody said in my ear to say words of praise. Something wanted to come out from my mouth—I couldn’t let myself articulate it. It didn’t sound comprehensible. I couldn’t make any sense of what I was going to utter.

I was quivering all this time as I fought over the instinct to speak.

Finally, someone walked over to me and told me to let go. And then someone else also reassured me that there would be someone to catch me should I fall.

And I just fell.

This, I think, is called being ‘slain’. What a word…

So I laid there, sobbing in total un-control.

I took a while to sit up and regain composure.

I realized, thankfully, I wasn’t the only one behaving that way.

It was also then I realized what I had heard was true. People just fall. Unaware. If they surrender.

Later on, my facilitator came over and asked me if she could pray with me. She said she had a strong prompting.

And the same thing happened. I sat there, sobbing, quivering, not wanting to muster what I couldn’t understand.

…

The gifts of the spirit. Outpoured to me free.

Such is the wonder of God.

Such is the power of God.

(Sorry if this entry is too ‘Christian’. I needed to blog it out!)

P/s: Praying in tongues is a way of communicating to God. When we run out of things to say, the Spirit takes over and helps us.

P/P/S: I checked with a more experienced friend and realized that whatever I was experiencing—my hairs standing, the quivering, the crying—was normal!

Short update...if you are on RSS feed especially.

I was supposed to officiate this yesterday—that would have been hot news—but I didn’t…

because, I think I was busy.

I am not quite sure. I was probably rushing out some report.

Anyhow…while it isn’t that hot a piece of news anymore, it is still …quite … hot.

R and I are getting married.

We, or rather, I (since he doesn’t like this sort of stuff) will be trying to blog the preparation process if possible in another blog. (Yes, and then I will have a lot of blogs to maintain…) But why another blog is primarily so that he can access it and blog should he want to.

And that doesn't mean I won't blog anymore. My surname will still remain as it is. I will still be me!

So anyway, yes, you can find us at ...

(was going to write it down but I will realize then I will have infringed on my own privacy!)

(Message me, and I will forward you the addy)

I tried hard enough...

I am somehow really getting lazier.

I have had things to write about. In fact, just this morning, I had thought of three things to write about. But I had gotten lazy. And obviously I hadn't gotten down to it.

But since my boss is out (for now), I should quickly get down to it.

...

I had a super big fight with her on Sat.

I had almost left home.

She had told me, with her finger pointing to the door, shouting "GET OUT!" and I had wanted to comply.

Only to realize, aiyah, there is Japanese class later. I had already paid the money; I didn't want to waste any money!

Aiyah, tomorrow I need to go dance. I can only attend so many classes...

I had wanted to go to L...H... (some budget hotel near my place) and spend maybe the weekend there.

But I didn't think L...H...was worth $200.

...

The exchange went as follows:

I had shouted at my brother--surname and name--because my brother was sleeping on my pillow. (Yes, yeeeeee right!)

My mum shouted from the kitchen, saying that I don't have manners. And she said something about me being crazy.

I mumbled to myself about it about her being the one crazy. My brother told me to shut up. My mum asked me to shut the big door. I told her to shut it herself.

At that moment, she had an extension cord in her hand as she was getting ready to do the laundry. So she stormed into the living room with the cord in her hand, shut the door, walked to me and tried to hit me with it.

Yes, she tried to hit me with it. At the same time, she shouted, "Who do you say was crazy?"

I replied "YOU!" and said, "HELLO! You called me crazy first right?"

And then it was show time, as B would call it.

After I tried to stop her from hitting me, I said, "What is it this time? Why are you looking for trouble with me all the time?"

S (She): You do volunteer work all the time. You don't care about the family.

I: Huh? I don't care about the family, then what am I doing?


I didn't even wait for her to reply and I added

Then why do I even bother with what I do?

ENOUGH! (Capital letters mean that I shouted) WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE WITH ME?

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE PAST TEN PLUS YEARS. YOU DON'T DO IT TO BROTHER COS HE SHOUTS BACK AT YOU SO YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME?! HOW LONG YOU WANT TO DO THIS? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

(I don't know if you can imagine, but I was really hysterical already.)

Then I asked her, still shouting

YOU SAID I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR THE FAMILY. THEN YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

She actually replied--nothing.

And I said,

YES! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING!! SO YOU SHUT UP! IF YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE ME! THEN SHUT UP!

I was all shouting and all hysterical.

I was crying and I was shaking.

And she said, in a sarcastic tone,

Ya lo. When you were born, you were clever. You don't need anyone to teach you anything.

You know what? I think that statement is so funny.

Was that all that a parent is meant to do? Teach the child something?

When you were born, your mum was dead.

Well, I haven't thought more of that.

IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!

...AND FROM TODAY ONWARDS, DON'T EVER TALK TO ME.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to talk to her.

Talking to her has been too tedious, too trying and too tiring.

My clothes get missing when she dries them. I have to cook my dinner because she said she is dizzy.

I don't know, but more of it, as I see it, is laziness.

Maybe, maybe I have misunderstood her.

But I really just think,

some people were never meant to be parents.

Because they don't even know how to love.

And I don't say it to criticize anybody...

But I just feel very sorry for myself when I look around and I see loving parent-child relationships.

I mean, it is not like I never tried.

It is not like I never tried hard enough.