The value of...

The lady whom I didn't quite like talked to me today.

I don't quite like her because in my first encounter with her, she wasn't nice. Then, I had tried to push the chair back a little little bit (she was sitting behind me) and she was cross. She insisted the chair hit her legs... Not likely because it is not like she is that very tall and hence has that very long legs.

Anyway, she asked me with a totally bizarrely-questioning expression as I sat next to her and whipped out my textbook (I have a test on Sat).

"You mean you are learning Japanese for leisure?"

I said yeah.

I thought that answer was telling enough to stop the conversation but she continued,

"So why did you learn Japanese?"

I couldn't stand it; I said "Because I wanted to work in Japan."

She was like...oh...oki.

And she started telling me how she was also learning Japanese for a while because of work but had stopped it because "since the past two years, the Japanese economy has been getting worse."

And she said the trend had occurred for the past twn so years. And now...blar blar blar

I was a bit fed up. Maybe she was being frank. But the way the conversation was structured sounded like she thought I was stiupid to be learning Japanese.

Ok fine. Maybe I read too much into it. Maybe I am just imagining that she is trying to impose her opinions on the things I am doing.

And I told her...Japan has a few good authors. And the movies are funny. The songs are nice.

I wanted to tell her...I would love to be able to read Norwegian Wood in its original written language. But no, I didn't.

...

Sometimes we do things incomprehensible to others.

But that is primarily because we have a different value system, isn't it?

I am in a small country devoid of natural resources. Pragmatism has been one of the core values instilled unconsciously into my generation.

We measure too many things by its actual value. I am gulity of that.

But I guess it doesn't have to be the value ruling my existence all my life.

If we were always-and only-chasing fads, then I am not sure if my life will mean anything to me in the end.

Then my live is going to be only about work and work and work, since then that will bring me a lot a lot of money, a means which is most pragmatic.

But when I leave the world then, maybe I will be so rich that the only thing I have is money.

For better people. For a happier me.

I don't think I would have ever imagined myself to be so fortright with S.

Or anyone else.

I would prefer to keep things to myself. Because there is no need to tell anyone.

...

I took very long to decide to let go.

The fact is, I would really love to belong.

But I don't.

I don't laugh at the same jokes. We don't share the same frequency!

But I really wanted to belong.

And so I forced myself into the skin. And I can't fit!

And the harder I try, the sadder I get.

Because I just cannot fit in.

...

There are many nuances of feelings that I had felt.

Like I told S, maybe they are not shallow at all. Maybe they are all lovely, wacky and funny. Maybe. I just didn't get to see it.

It is just that, given the time we had spent together, all I ever saw was their shallow side. So all I can say are the negative feelings generated.

I told S that I felt it was unfair that she always say I am negative in my emotions towards them. The fact is, the many gatherings sent across an implicit message: Unless you are fantastic in the art, else, we don't want to learn about you.

We don't care if you are funny. We don't care if you have talent. We don't care if you speak five different languages or have a cute dog. We are not interested in you.

Oh well...

Maybe, maybe I am wrong.

Maybe, maybe I am biased.

Maybe, it is time that has hampered mutual understanding!

But whatever it is, I have decided to let it go.

I have decided not to try so hard.

I have decided that I will spend my time on better people. Who bother at least to know the Me inside.

Mediocre interactions <-> Topsy Turvy Experiences

I would have loved to share this during Wed's sharing. I think the message would have reached out to more people then.

But I hadn't.

Something inside me stirred. The words didn't come out. I didn't let them come out.

Maybe it was because the majority of sharings were planned and instructed, and mine seemed to be out of place.

Maybe it was because all of them were touching and moving--each of them sharing their own anedotes of the journey, and mine paled in comparison.

Maybe it was because throughout the journey, I have been talking too much too often. It was time for me to listen. To quieten down and listen to what other people were saying.

...

Andy and Linda shared on their journey exploring the faith together.

It was a very earnest account. Lina shared her initial apprehension--how she has struggled on two previous journeys; Andy mentioned his struggles--how he felt he was ready when Lina approached him to journey together.

I echo his sentiments.

For some people, all they may need is one year, and they see it through the whole phase.

For others, they may need, a few years, or a few decades, even.

I can still remember asking myself a few years back as I sat in the pews of OLPS, when I was going to get baptised. There never seemed to be a good time.

But I still finished my journey. Somehow. Even though many times, I had wanted to run away. Even though many times, I had no answers as to why I am doing this.

So whatever it is, it is the Lord who calls. All we have to do, is answer, when we are ready.

Although I don't really know if the Lord calls all the time--waiting for our answers, or does the Lord only call those who are ready.

...

The second formal sharing was by Gerlinda and her sister. That didn't leave me as strong as impression as Jenny's impromptu one.

No, I don't mean to say her sharing is not great. It is excellent, in fact, as she related on how she transformed from a strong Buddhist to what she is today. Even Gerlinda had thought that the sister would give up halfway--but really, you can't help believe that through Him, all things are possible.

As for me, the reason why I felt more connection towards Jenny's sharing is because I tend to gravitate towards heart-wrenching encounters. I am sentimental. I like things that make me cry period.

And I emphasize, it is just me alone.

Jenny shared on her struggles during this journey. The struggles which were all hidden behind her very strong facade.

I couldn't help not tearing up as I listened to her. Her experience(s) touched me deeply.

It is not something I can imagine going through. I don't even think I can handle it had I been in her shoes.

And as I sat reflecting on her sharing, I asked myself which I would prefer--my very mediocre interactions with God or her very topsy-torvy experience.

...

The last formal sharing was by Devin and his god-parent.

Very lively. Very philosophical. Very meaningful.

I especially liked the part, "....and after Saturday, I have eternal life!"

Wow.

You see, they were all great sharings. Which was why, I swallowed up whatever I had initially wanted to say.

...

As baptism was drawing near, I thought of getting presents for the sponsors.

I thought perhaps, food should do the trick. But alas, we were having an Easter celebration.

I thought then some ornament may come in handy. But based on past experiences...eh...they are really not that practical.

I thought a hand-written note could do, albeit small and almost 'value-less.'

But then I realize...

There was never going to be a gift I could match in value for the work that the sponsors had done.

It was effort from the heart. It was time put away. It was...priceless.

There was no way I could find a gift to replace something that I cannot even put a tag to.

(And no, I don't mean presents are a gauge of anything...)

And it seemed to me, the sponsors do what they do--as the other ministries do the same--because they too had inherited a gift that is priceless.

A gift from Christ which no price can be tagged to.

And for us, the neophytes then, the only way we can truly 'repay' is to do what the sponsors do! To spread the word. (Or whichever other Ministry we so fancy)

I guess that is how Love is spread.

That is why Love is spread.

...

And because I can get such little 'inspirations' from God from time to time, I opt for mediocre interactions.

Within 30 seconds

It all happened, say within 30 seconds?

Father Chris said, “So, what is your name again?” (Evidently, there is no way he can remember the names of so many of us). And then as Holy water was poured over my forehead, he said, “SSS, I hereby baptise you in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit”.

And I became a child of Christ—in 30 seconds.

Y asked me if there was any special feeling associated with that very rite of being baptised. “Did you feel different?” was her exact question. The truth is, there weren’t any *special* feeling per se. But I know I am a different person.

As I walked away from the baptism font, I just started crying—again. Because it was like finally, finally I was baptised.

I had waited a long, long time--or so it had seemed to me. One year ago, I had flown back from USA back home from another journey. Then, I was just a month away from baptism.

And it wasn’t like I wasn’t ready. I was ready. I knew I was. I just figured that going through a journey back home was probably more comforting than having to clean bathrooms and chase kids and function as an ad-hoc maid in a foreign land with abhoring people in the same household.

To be honest, I didn’t know how I could have not gone through it again. I didn’t know I could have been exempted had I asked Deacon Joe to write a note to Holy Family to testify to my preparation for baptism.

Whatever it was, it was relief, gladness, mirth…all welled up as I walked away.

…

I have been fortunate to have the support of many people. F, who got baptised the year before last, often recounts to me her experience. Specifically, the one that left me a lasting impression was the ‘swallowing’ the Holy Spirit when she went to the Life in the Spirit seminar. I remember her exact words “[The Holy Spirit] fills you up”.

Yes. That image is difficult to comprehend.

Even on the day of baptism, she had messaged: “May you receive the Lord’s presence…” and I was like…??? How? How do I receive His presence?

Perhaps, I had thought too hard and too much about the Holy Spirit. I had imagined that It will fill me up (like she said) and make me whole. And perhaps, it was that preoccupation with 'filling up' that had taken away the magic of the evening.

Because in the end, I didn’t feel any magical ‘filling up’.

Instead, I felt many other mortal moments.

I remember being touched when I was in the RCIA room as I reflect on the journey and how this would be a night that I will remember.

I remember being moved as everyone stood with their candles, I looking up at the upper pews and seeing the church lit up with beautiful individual candles.

It must have been one the most beautiful things I will ever see in my lifetime.

I remember being very emotional when I pondered about the body-and-blood sacrifice that I had undeservedly earned through the death of the Most Holy One.

And as I see it,

if I am now truly a child in Christ, then it is truly, no longer I who live…and …
those tears must be a manifestation of the Christ who now lives in me.

Yes, all that, after just 30 seconds.

....H-U-R-T...

I have completed my probabtion period.

Yes, it has been three months into my new place already.

I like it here. More than the former place.

I don't know why. Perhaps it is because the work is more meaningful and I can get along better with the people here.

...

It is baptism next week.

As I look back, I realize that it has been a long journey.

Just the other day, I have had a clash with a fellow elect. What exactly happened is not really important--I think sometimes, we tend to take things for granted.

And really, I cannot but help wonder, among the many of us, who are really ready? Am I?

...

I brought buns to share with my colleagues today. They weren't receptive.

Some of them said they just had MacDonald's. Others said they are very full.

I was disappointed.

The point is, I know that very often, the reason we accept/refuse someone stem from the basic notion of whether we like the person or not.

If we really really like the person, then we will take it...and never mind if we eat it (we usually try to eat it).

Right?

So I was disappointed.

The fact is, I hadn't bought them. R did. And I feel bad that nobody is eating them!

There was supposed to be tea today. It didn't happen because E's daughter is sick.

That, I was disappointed too.

And in response, A said

"That is life. Sometimes, whatever you have planned for doesn't happen. And you are disappointed."

Yes, I guess, that is life.

....

I don't think I would want to bring in food for sharing again.

Why bother. Nobody eats them anyway.

The same way I don't eat the food others' bring.

So...that is how it feels.

Hurt.