One of me.

Coming to my second week.

It is Friday. Lunchtime.

I think I will try to blog every week. Just so that I get to reflect? Just so that I air my frustrations, if any.

...

Nothing much really. Except that this week, I am a little more stressed up because I am having a test tomorrow.

I haven't studied much. I hope I can get at least a 60 (that is the minimum I must get).

I haven't been too glad. I think it is because I expect too much.

I wrote to N, who is in Takoma right now. Well, I told her I hope things get better, else, I may just start running away again.

Again, yes.

I think that is what I do best?

I think I like to do that because my legs are pretty long.

Ha.

Z wrote to me. She is in Japan now.

When I read her email, I wonder why I get the impression she is very happy with her job.

As much as I am happy for her, I wonder why I am not happy.

Maybe I expect too much?

I had hoped for this to be a learning process. Hhmm maybe I am learning; I am just not learning the way I want myself to be.

I don't quite know why.

Maybe I start to feel that I do need to climb higher to foster this sense of supremacy?

I don't know.

Maybe I am not humble enough; I think too highly of myself?

I really am wondering.

...

I wonder because like what Z wrote in her email "everything is so daunting"...Maybe I am looking for that feeling of being daunted.

As I am writing now, I feel that I have stayed too long in education. And I am feeling jaded.

Yes, jaded.

And what an irony that I am doing Education Research.

Life is always an irony, isn't it?

...

And the most ironic thing is,

even when I have walked away from a Ph.D years back, I am thinking of going back to school.

Why?

I can't answer yet, which is why I haven't started really looking.

There are many thoughts in my head. Many competing ambitions.

But alas. There is only one of me, one of my life, one of the present moment.