Chinese New Year for the Chinese

It is Friday.

So yes, as you can see, I am trying to keep my promise of blogging on Fridays.

I don't blog as much now. I hope that doesn't imply that my life is not as exciting as before.

Wait. But I don't blog about exciting things, huh.

Ha.

I guess that implies that I am not as frustrated as before.

...

I do like my job so far.

Apart for having to wake up in the early morning, everything else is really quite good.

I don't have issues with developing lesson plans for teachers. In fact, I kind of like it. To a certain extent.

It is funny--I used to really want to teach teachers. Now, I don't really have that much of a fetish for teaching, although I think I can do it if I have to.

So as of now, I have developed two modules for Primary School teachers.

Yeah, that is it.

But I have time off every now and then (like now) and I surf the net.

As of now, I am contemplating a Ph.D. I don't know if I should do it though. And I don't know which disciplines to do it.

Yes, it is the same dilemma as last week and the week before last week.

As in the beginning of the year.

Just on Chinese New Year, one relative had commented that I was an 'ah-lian'. Simply because 1) I have a tattoo (which is at least 3 years old) and 2) my hair is highlighted yellow.

And I argued back that I ain't one. For the simple logic: Ah-lians can't study. And I can.

...

Chinese New Year reminded me of the many unpleasant incidents that happened when I was little.

I don't know if I have ever told you, but I had two humbling incidents when I was young.

Three actually, but two were moer heart-breaking because they involved my relatives.

When I was around 5, my uncle ranted at me straight in the face that I was stupid and meant to achieve nothing.

I don't know if you can imagine the scene. A man ranting at a kid. Five-year old kid.

I remember being very hurt and running to weep in the room.

I cried very very hard. I was very very hurt.

It left a scar there.

And when I was around 8, another uncle chided me (I think I shared this before).

That I would be merely his daughter's assistant as his daughter became some lawyer.

I was eight.

And that scarred me too.

His daughter really became a lawyer. I guess I am just glad I am not her assistant.

But yes...such hurtful remarks go a long way.

Especially when the kid is just building up her world, and family is supposed to be a unit to rely on.

...

If all I do best is studying, then why shouldn't I continue?

I can't be like G, who is working for a petrolchemical company and has the luxury of finance and time to play golf.

My mum thinks I am such a waste.

I can't be like L, who has been an accountant for twenty over years, draws a fantastically fat salary and is considering retirement at 46.

My mum thinks I am just not working hard enough.

I can't be like K, who is working in Malaysia and is hitting the 10K mark.

My mum thinks I am just being willful.

So if I am not all that, then why don't I be what I am?

...

I don't really like the Lunar New Year, to be honest. But I will celebrate it anyway because I am proud to be Chinese.

Yes, just that.

Better everyday

It is just a few more days to Chinese New Year and I haven't really packed my stuff yet.

I don't quite understand myself, to be frank.

When I was in the US, I didn't have problems keeping tidy. My room was always in perfect order. Now...it is quite the opposite.

I wonder why.

Maybe I just don't see the need to be so vigilant and tidy up all the time.

There are no good examples to set. I just want to be carefree about it.

...

I am wondering if I really want to continue studying.

You see. I don't quite like my field.

Yes, I know. I never like what I do. Never.

I always think greener pastures are where I am not.

Yes, I know.

But there really are things that excite me. There really are things that can make my eyes sparkle.

Although being more aware of my escapist inclinations now, I want to make sure I am not just being hopeful about my have-nots.

...

N contemplated sharing her religion with me.

Her mum has always been sharing, and she keeps telling me what a big loss it is that I haven't gained enlightenment yet.

To be frank, that is a little unsettling.

It is getting quite uncomfortable. But I can bear with it still, I think.

It is just that I don't quite know how to decline without being rude.

...

People will tell me many things about my faith.

But...So what if believing in God doesn't bring me riches and wealth? Or a high-paying job?

That wasn't what brought me to God in the first place.

I don't think a religion is only about making big money and fulfilling great ambitions.

Or getting things your way all the time.

A religion is about making you a better person.

And really, I think I am getting better. Or so I decreed to live.

Everyday.

One of me.

Coming to my second week.

It is Friday. Lunchtime.

I think I will try to blog every week. Just so that I get to reflect? Just so that I air my frustrations, if any.

...

Nothing much really. Except that this week, I am a little more stressed up because I am having a test tomorrow.

I haven't studied much. I hope I can get at least a 60 (that is the minimum I must get).

I haven't been too glad. I think it is because I expect too much.

I wrote to N, who is in Takoma right now. Well, I told her I hope things get better, else, I may just start running away again.

Again, yes.

I think that is what I do best?

I think I like to do that because my legs are pretty long.

Ha.

Z wrote to me. She is in Japan now.

When I read her email, I wonder why I get the impression she is very happy with her job.

As much as I am happy for her, I wonder why I am not happy.

Maybe I expect too much?

I had hoped for this to be a learning process. Hhmm maybe I am learning; I am just not learning the way I want myself to be.

I don't quite know why.

Maybe I start to feel that I do need to climb higher to foster this sense of supremacy?

I don't know.

Maybe I am not humble enough; I think too highly of myself?

I really am wondering.

...

I wonder because like what Z wrote in her email "everything is so daunting"...Maybe I am looking for that feeling of being daunted.

As I am writing now, I feel that I have stayed too long in education. And I am feeling jaded.

Yes, jaded.

And what an irony that I am doing Education Research.

Life is always an irony, isn't it?

...

And the most ironic thing is,

even when I have walked away from a Ph.D years back, I am thinking of going back to school.

Why?

I can't answer yet, which is why I haven't started really looking.

There are many thoughts in my head. Many competing ambitions.

But alas. There is only one of me, one of my life, one of the present moment.

Simple joys of life

It is my third day at work. Or is it fourth? Um, I can't really recall.

But it has been good.

Um, although yes, skeptics like myself would be quick to dismiss that this is a sign that I will enjoy it.

I truly believe so--that I shouldn't be quick to say I will definitely enjoy it or what.

The 'truth' will be revealed only with time.

...

I went for my first Modern Dance class last night.

Strictly speaking, it is NOT my first class in this genre. It is just 'first' based on my level of concentration.

I have been to previous Modern dance classes but I only remember rolling on the floor and more rolling on the floor, stretching the hamstrings and pulling yourself long...

Well, and I remember that I hadn't put much effort into it. I couldn't comprehend the steps. The exercises didn't make sense.

But I liked the class last night.

No, it wasn't like I had no problems. I just decided that to think less of it and just do it!!!

...

I like my life so far.

Not very exciting. Not very promising.

But it is simple. Filled with simple joys.

I take Japanese class. My teacher is very funny. I plan to take the exam at the end of the year.

I study Spanish on my own. I have taken my evaluations and I am due to be back for class. It is just a matter of timing.

I do modern dance on Tuesdays. It is a completely new activity.

I plan to do dance also on Mondays. My buddy says she is keen. We'll see.

I go for RCIA on Wednesdays. That is tonight.

I do yoga on other weekday nights and weekends. I want to start swimming.

R promised me we will learn Argentina Tango together. I think we can start learning next month.

I have time to meet my friends, date and do volunteer work.

I like my work so far. It is a lot of writing and reading and squirming of eyes and aching of shoulders but it is still ok so far.

I don't have enough sleep but I spend my time travelling on the bus stealing some winks.

Life is good. And I am grateful.

Although I realize...

exploring the world is probably more important to me right now than anything else.

And I will do that.

Somehow. Eventually.