*shouts*

The apple is ....

I can't find a word. Crumbling? Rotting?

Nah.

The apple is just not herself.

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sick.

Stomach is feeling very bad, probably due to the ocha I drank so late at night. My sleep was interrupted with persistent cramps last night.

I only remember having cramps during that time of the month, so to have cramps after tea (implicit meaning being, it is not that time of the month yet) is a bit disturbing.

...

I skipped class this morning.

Porque?

Because I am really feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and dejected and overwhelmed and tired and overwhelmed and pissed off and overwhelmed.

Count the number of "overwhelmed" please...

I haven't done my Japanese homework. I haven't given the Works of Mercy project proper thought. I have been busy.

With what?

Aiyoh, I don't know!

Busy doing nothing!

I don't know...maybe it is the hazy weather.

Nah, it is just everything. I am just too bored.

I met up with N last night. After work.

Yes, I was tired, so maybe that is also why my mind is not thinking too properly.

(4 things get me cranky: when I am hungry, thirsty or tired, or urgent)

(Yes, that was not proper English, and yes, we are supposed to be on a Speak Good English campaign).

...

I just find myself so disorientated.

And I think it is partly because I get bored too easily.

And then I don't like to get myself entangled with seemingly stupid things.

So I keep running.

I thought N was quite sharp in pointing that out:

I like to choose the path of most resistance. Everytime.

And when I do a thorough reflection, I think that is true.

I never did Biology in O Levels. I just decided I will do it at JC. I was one of the two in my class and few in my school to do that.

I never really had dance training. I just decided I will go and try out for the dance scholarship auditions (ya la, that is why I didn't do well in the scholarship either!!!! Hahahahaha).

Now, I have a M.Sc. But I want to do a Ph.D in lnguistics.

I have had 6 years of training in Science, but I want to do Communications, or Defence.

Why?

Because I am bored.

And really, that is NOT good. Not good at all.

Because I am so bored, I am always chasing.

Chasing for the seemingly distant.

N was saying...most people will just not bother and stay in the same field.

Because really, it takes double the energy to do something else.

Imagine...(I gave this analogy to R) you are walking 12km in the Eastern direction to catch the sunrise...

and then you decide that, ok, I don't want the sunrise anymore, I want the sunset, so you start running in the opposite direction.

Crazy?

I don't know.

The way I see it, it is worth it, I suppose.

Just that at moments like now, I am really tired. Tired from all that running.

...

This is the hardest period and so when G called and demanded why I had to void the appointment on Sat, I was quite cross.

I thought we were best buddies? Surely she can understand my situation and my stress?

I don't know. I never asked her in the end.

The truth is, this is really the worst time now. I know for sure, once I get over this, all will be good.

I have a test on 17th Sept. Another on 21st Sept.

I am in the second last module of my Chinese Diploma course. It will end next month.

I am vigorously writing resumes to apply for jobs. I may have a psychometric test next week.

I still have a few resumes unwritten. I don't have time to write it.

My close friend is getting married on Sept 14. I am her in jie mei team.

My close pal is flying on 27 Sept. I would want to spend more time with her, but I can't.

I want to join the volunteer group with R. The orientation is on 27th.

Yes, the world please crush me. I ask for it.

...

I am fine.

I just need to let it out.

Whatever. Anything.

She is starting her bad tantrums again.

I don't know what has got into her, but I am seriously quite fed up and I am seriously wondering just how am I able to live with her?

Never mind, thinking about such things doesn't really help unless I have a solution. So since I don't, then I should quit brooding over it.

...

To my utter horror, I realized I have put on weight.

Around my waist/hips/butt area.

Frankly, I am not sure if it is better that the weight gets directed ONLY to my face (as in, if I have a choice on where I can dispose the fat) or to my butt. Maybe it doesn't really make a difference.

It doesn't really make a difference to other people --or so I hope-- but it makes a difference to me.

Hhmmm...

I have decided to embark on a masterplan to lose that cellulite. I am not sure if I will succeed, but I will try!

And rest assured it is not some crash diet that will set my anorexia streak off again.

...

After my apparent failure to secure my dream type of a job, I have decided on other ventures.

I guess...I will do a short trip in India next year and then plan on.

When I met up with Y on Monday, he was all curious about when I will get married.

Frankly, I don't know. Maybe, never?

Ha. Who knows?

I hope I don't sound too down again--everyone always ask me why I sound so down in my entries, and even though I am trying to not let that melancholiness slip in, it still does somehow sometimes.

My writings are melancholy by nature. But that doesn't necessarily imply that I am.

Just like...I may look very indifferent to many things (like my weight and my image), but I may not actually be.

...

And no, I am not planning on moving out, although yes, staying with such an eccentric being can be nerve-wrecking.

I have moved on that, so I will not consider that.

I mean, most importantly, it is because I will eventually move out--someday in the future. Being here is not permanent.

If only I can adopt the same perspective towards my job.

The next move

I had my oral in the morning. I got 90 marks, which is 1 mark short from the A+ I was aiming for, but I suppose its good enough.

The teacher said I had problems with sh-/s, zh-/z, ch-/c. Hhmmm...I thought I was ok...but I guess I wasn't.

The more ironic thing is, the friend whom I have always been 'tutoring' got better comments and higher marks.

I guess that is the difference between consciousness and complacency?

Sometimes life is like that. We tend to think too highly of ourselves.

...

R told me to give the process a few days. After all, didn't they say that they would complete it in 10 days?

Yes, they will complete it in 10 days. Which means if I had got it, I would have heard about it.

But I haven't heard anything.

So I think...

yeap, you know what I think.

Is that fine?

Yeah, kind of.

Kind of because I don't think it is so much of the job as the fact that I didn't get selected. You know what I mean?

I don't know if this is a manifestation of the altered ego or whatever, but I do feel disgruntlement wheneve I think of this and my previous scholarships lapses.

In what way am I inferior?

Hahaha...sorry, as you can tell, I am feeling quite egoistic today.

Never mind me. I can be quite unfathomable sometimes.

...

It is Wed, my day off.

Just when I was happily contemplating about the change in work hours following the termination of my sat class, I was told yesterday that I will continue to take the class.

One of the students had called in to request that I continue to take the class.

Aiyah. So sad. So sad because I was hoping to work shorter hours on Sat.

But that aside, I have been trying to decipher the significance of that encounter. What is God saying?

I don't know.

Anyhow, I think I will take a nap before I find some time to exercise, and try to study my Japanese. It can get tiring sometimes, and I do wonder about the significance of learning Japanese. The class is fast. I don't know anyone. And it is on a Sunday.

I just hope it will be useful the way it can be.

But maybe I really shouldn't think so much.

Maybe I should just concentrate on my next resume and the next advertisement.

I took a day off today...

I am back from my test. It was really a hard nut to crack.

The test lasted three hours plus. There were four components to the test, and I kind of felt it was really gruelling, especially towards the end, when I am already so mentally exhausted.

The first section was still ok. I had to edit a four-page long (pseudo-) speech. It was frankly quite difficult, but still manageable. The second part was the analysis part. Aiyoh...that one was really long. Imagine forty MCQ based on a three-page essay. *shakes head*

We had a break before the third section, which was on reasoning. I completely cannot get this, as in I didn't even understand the answers to the sample questions (and I didn't clarify because I don't think I would have understood either). There were forty questions which we had to complete in thirty minutes--yes, do your math.

The last one was the breezer, although I really wasn't sure if it will be useful a breezer to me. Skali by the second section, my scores would have me axed already? I don't know.

...

How am I feeling?

Well, a little lousy. I mean, I kind of really hope I will get it but then again, after sitting through the test, I am not sure if I have the calibre. It is a tough selection process--it really is. Behind the supposed glamour and champagne glasses, a lot goes into the job and maybe, I am really not the kind material who can withstand such pressure.

That being said, I still feel lousy. Because I take pride in my abilities, and my exhaustion at the test seems to suggest that I am perhaps not as mentally agile and able as I would assume myself to be. Maybe I wasn't ever mentally sharp and acute--I just assumed I was. Maybe I have been wearing too big a hat, and now my eyes can't take the glare.

Anyhow, I am still glad I got the experience. I really do give thanks to God for the chance to even go and sit the test. The truth is, I would never have expected myself to walk in that road into the building to sit for the test. I would never have envisioned this opportunity for the experience.

And I thank God for what I have gained thus far.

The test is the first step to a three-part recruitment process. The fact that my application was considered is something I am glad about, and everything else is really a bonus already.

The truth is, it is really amazing how I can tell myself to look at things with such a mindset. Maybe this is what it feels to be touched by the Holy Spirit--there is nothing else in life you cannot face. You just take the rest head on, simply because you know God is there walking with you.

I told myself, before I went for the test, that really, some things are just meant to be. Prayers are never not answered as I had realized; they are just not answered the way you thought it would be. For me, this episode particularly, I am thankful I got past the preliminary stage (I had to write 2 200-word essays). Should I get it (which I probably won't), then it is God's will that I get to be in Singapore for the next couple of years (and maybe be a facilitator for the next RCIA journey). Should I not get it, then maybe it just means I really am meant to be a teacher after all.

I don't know if it looks like I am 'resigning to fate'. I took a long time to grapple with that too. I mean, you know how I am. Headstrong. Focused. Determined. Obstinate. I want to see the world, feel the world and run with the world. Such am I!

But I have also realized,...

we really do have certain roles. No matter how hard we run or shrug from these, you cannot deny the very purpose which you were created for in the womb.

...

Sorry if this blog sounds so 'serious'. I don't often have the time or the mindset to sit down and blog. It is great that I have some time today (I took leave today to go for the test, and I console myself by saying that I don't have to take more days of leave for the next rounds)....

Life goes on.

So the next thing for me is to apply for the JET programme. I will still keep trying.