not in denial, I hope

I am not sure if you would consider me to be in denial.

I don't think I am.

But then, that may be because I am in denial. Ha...you get the logic?

...

N asked me seriously yesterday if I would consider the option that I may be suffering from depression.

Um...

I didn't really shrug her off. Remember I once wondered too.

And to be frank, I am wondering every moment.

Thanks N. =)

Her reasoning was based on the fact that I seem to be never satisfied. No matter what I do.

Yes, she is right.

I am never satisfied.

And like I say, I do wonder if what she said was the case, that I could be suffering from a lack of serotonin and hence causing myself to be depressed.

But let's cast that aside for a while and let me explain (which yes, you may consider me to be in denial if you wish):

...

If you think about it, do you recall me even feeling neutrally 'ok'?

Even when I say 'ok', it is with a slight tendency either towards the good ok, or the bad ok. Right?

I don't know. I remember so, at least.

And usually, I am either smiley or pouty. There is no neutral. Again.

So what N said started me thinking a lot again.

I like thinking, so I don't really mind.

Am I always negative?

HHmmm...yes, maybe.

I don't know if you ever realize too, but I am very sensitive.

Sensitive towards the whole mood of the environment, towards the expressions of the people.

Sensitive to the things people say, people do, their body language.

I pick it up subconsciously.

No no...I am not saying that that is the problem. It is always easy to blame it on something.

What I mean to say is,

my negative side is accentuated by my sensitive side.

Sounds logical? (Sounds like I am in denial?)

...

I really thought long and hard about what N said.

Specifically, I wonder why I am never satisfied.

If you would hear me out, I would think it is because I am still searching.

There are some people who are at ease with whatever they do no matter what they do. It is because they don't really believe in that each of us has a calling.

There are some people who are continually searching and are always moving. It is because ...

the way I understand it...

they have simply yet to find what they are looking for.

And the whole irony of the situation is, they don't actually know what they are looking for; they just know whether something is or not by the feeling.

Feeling.

Yes, it is not empirical. I know.

...

I like this analogy that Q shared with me just now.

Stability and mobility.

Remember how I said I have prayed for a job, and I was happy?

If we go by the logic, then I was happy because I have found a job.

Simple as that.

And then, why do I want to quit now?

Because I realize it is just not what I think.

Simple right?

And your question would then be, will you ever be happy?

...That is hard. That is really hard.

But then, let me ask you back,

are you ever happy?

Or are you contented most of the time?

Or are you just numb and because life is not too bad, hence you group it as being happy?

Maybe, maybe that is how we are each programmed.

The elusive thing about 'happy-ness' (happiness) is that there is no one single definition.

I am not happy now because I haven't found the thing to fill me up.

My inner void.

My calling.

...

I would choose to believe that my thoughts may not be comprehensible by everybody.

I mean, as I am studying the classics now (my course is on selected Chinese poetry and works) and really, sometimes, I feel what the poets and authors feel.

There are just people like that. People who are more vulnerable. People who are more emotional. People with finer emotional streaks.

And that is the way I am.

No no...I am not blaming it on creation or God or whatsoever---I am just saying it because I am growing to accept it.

It is not easy, because day in day out, I wonder about my psychotic inclinations.

...

We all have many gifts; we just need to find those out and share it with the world. Somehow.

Choosing to go away...

After a long hard struggle, I have decided to walk away.

You know, walking away takes as much, if not more courage, than staying on.

But I have decided to walk away because it is just too difficult to stay on.

If I haven't told you, I cry twice every week without fail. No matter how hard I try to withhold my tears, no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how tight I try to hang on to the feeling of hope, I cry.

I have been crying for as long as I have been in the job...and something inside me is telling me it is not right.

I can't explain it.

Like I said a thousand times before, I prayed for the job and God gave it to me so I should be glad.

So if God gave it to me, then it must be good.

Right?

....

I don't know.

All I know is, whenever someone tells me to just quit, and I consider that, I feel relief.

Hard to explain.

It is just too difficult to explain.

...

2 weeks before, the 2nd reading:

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestatin of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

1 Corinthians 12: 3-7

Today's 1st reading:

Moses said to the people: "Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test your affliction and find out whether it was your intention to keep to his commandments.

Deut 8: 2-3

Maybe it is everything that has led to this decision.

We are all blest with gifts. We are all called to share our gifts with the world.

This current job of mine is not bad, it is just not fitting. Somehow.

And I wonder why.

I mean, there must be something somewhere which fits my persona. There must be, because I felt it once.

It felt so right when I was in the polytechnic. So right.

But I chose this.

And yes, amidst my inner conflict, it suddenly dawned onto me, maybe maybe, this was what God wanted me to feel.

Remember how I shared before about choosing to break up with the wrong guy.

The feeling was just...bad...but somehow, I held on because I was afraid of loneliness.

But because I know how a wrong relationship feels, I know how to find the right one.

And I would choose to think that is why my current boyfriend popped into my life. Not by accident. By God's grace.

Remember I also said before, when I make wrong decisions, those are the times when I 'lose' God.

Have I lost Him now? I don't know. I only know, I can't hear Him.

I keep searching and searching but I can't see and I can't hear.

But I am still glad because God gave me guardian angels in my life. People who I can trust. People who I can ask for spiritual guidance.

This morning, we were sharing about the presence of Christ in our life and H shared about her new job.

She has had this new job as long as I have had mine but her reaction is a complete difference from mine.

She beams with satisfaction. She laughs with a twinkle in her eye.

And I kind of feel, that really should be how I am feeling.

Will I ever find that, I don't know.

All I know if, if I don't try, then I will definitely never find it.

simple life

If I have my way, I would definitely not be here right now.

Listening and withstanding crap.

This one is with my mum.

She said I can't deliver my promises.

Well, I said I was going to teach her how to go on the Internet when I get back. When I got back, haha...yes, I just don't want to do it anymore.

Really, she can nag all she want, about me and my empty promises.

I don't care.

It is very tiring to care.

Just a few weeks ago, I was just asking around for places to rent. Yes, I wanted to move out.

I wish I could move out like that...but I know I will break my parents' hearts.

So I will suck it all in and just turn a deaf ear.

But that is not me. Although yes, you can argue--who are you?

Who do you think you are?

The truth is, half the world's population probably don't have an answer to that. The other half don't bother with the question.

...

Life kind of sucks really.

I can't complain much because life could be worse.

I am thankful I am in a place without natural disasters.

I am thankful I am not dying of starvation, yet.

But yes, the ungrateful mentality has caught up with me once again.

...

I don't have a solution to many of the problems I am facing now...like how my colleagues teased me about being a rabbit--I can only hope that they don't mean it in a menacing way.

I am really frustrated at the way my life is being led (note how I phrase my sentence: I didn't say leading my life, I said, my life being led...know the difference??? If not, it is ok...go read up on English linguistics).

The truth is, I have lost quite a bit of the apparent happy-go-lucky side of myself.

And yes, I said apparent happy-go-lucky.

So what is my immediate goal right now? Or maybe, not even immediate goals. What about my goals in life?

...

None.

Can I say that?

Is that a legitimate answer?

I don't have goals anymore. I just want to lead a simple life.

Simple life with simple happiness.

That is really all I want for now.

The beginning of a journey

I had meant to blog last Wed.

I didn't eventually--I started writing and it is in the Draft box--because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Is it possible? Am I really so busy?

...

Frankly, I have been very very low lately.

I don't know why. It is incomprehensible.

I don't remember feeling so down when I was working in the Polytechnic, or even the lab.

I don't remember feeling so down when I just came back.

So really, I don't know why I am so down.

Unless...

Unless it is because I have strayed from the calling of God.

The path that God had called for me to take.

But you see, I prayed about this job and it was given to me. In my logical deduction, there should not be anything wrong with this episode.

The thing is, I really don't know. That is the way it should be. The way I understand it with my mere mortal mind.

But I really don't know why after I have become so despondent, so negative and so downcast.

I feel that my life is a waste. I feel that I am just a wandering soul.

Trust me--those feelings are not good at all.

And it is funny--everytime someone suggests that I quit, and I really consider the option, I am filled with relief.

Why? I also don't know.

It is incomprehensible.

...

The truth is, I hate my life right now. Very much.

And if you ask me, of course I want to do something about it. Of course. Of course I do.

I just don't know what I can do.

I think I need time out to just zone out and not think about anything.

I have a fear inside me. I am afraid that if I quit, I will have no money.

But if the only motivation for my day-to-day living is just money, isn't that a little too pathetic?

Yes it is. I really think so.

But I am not sure how much I can let it go.

Deep down inside, I don't know how to let God take care of it.

Maybe I should just quit. Like that.

And give Him the faith to guide me.

And bestow in myself the belief in His Providence.

...

Let me have the courage to begin this journey.

Let me find myself.

I am lost.

Totally.

And please, if you can spare some light, share it with me.

Please.