Fingers crossed

I had an accident yesterday.

A car accident.

I am not hurt, so please do not worry.

And if you know my parents, please also don't tell them. I don't want them to worry unnecessary.

It was quite an irony because I was on my way to Church to attend the RCIA when it happened.

Anyway, I remain quite startled and a little shattered in the head.

...

I can only remember braking.

I swear. I brake. I just didn't know why my car surged forward still.

And the next thing I realized, it had hit the car in front in its boot. I was blank.

The driver walked out and shouted at me.

I don't remember what she said. I only remember she saying something about driving being a huge responsibility.

I also remember asking her if her car was ok and feeling scared.

Whatever else that she said, I don't remember. But she was really fierce.

And when she said her last phrase, she shouted in my face.

I was totally freaked out.

...

Yes, life is not a bed of roses.

It never was, and never will be.

It was just a sucky day yesterday. There were other sucky things that happened which I really don't want to mention right now.

But last night, I did wonder if I should be here. I really did wonder.

I wonder if I should ask for a rematch, or if I should just head home.

I am alone here. I feel helpless.

I am alone here. I need a listening ear sometimes.

I am alone here. All alone.

And then I started to question my decision to come. Anyone in their sane mind will probably go through the same thought process as me.

...

I know there were people who admired me for my courage when I mentioned about my plans to be here.

Well, I never understood why they 'admire' me but I guess I do now.

It is a great feat. It truly is.

Well, the thing is, at moments like this, when we sit down and reflect, and question our innermost selves, we will know if we really should be here or not.

I want to be here, so I will be here until the family throws me out.

I want to be here, at least until I have finished my RCIA and get baptised and receive my first communion.

I want to be here, until I have completed a Teachers Training with one of the intended institutions.

Until then, no, I don't want to go home yet.

As to whether I will be here for another year, that remains to be seen.

It doesn't matter right now...but it will matter in a few months' time when they send me the package.

...

It is my one-month 'anniversary' today.

Gee, that sounds so wrong. I mean, today marks the official one month stay.

What have I gained so far? A lot a lot a lot.

Maybe the accident really was meant to be a wake-up call about the hard side of life.

Like I say, life is never meant to be a bed of roses. I guess I forgot.

...

The mexico trip doesn't mean as much to me as my teacher training. So right now, I am just waiting for the dates of 2008 of one particular school in CA.

If God grants me the ideal situation, I will take a 10-day 'vacation' in Venice, CA in July next year.

Maybe you can visit LA (apparently, that is the closest state) then. I think my nights are free.

And if God grants me the ideal situation, I will be baptised next Easter.

My dad is at peace with me. For that, I am so glad.

Whatever it is, I will keep my fingers crossed.