All in a stupor amidst some self-pity

It is my second day at work in the new place. I hit the gym today. Alone.

I hit the gym because I realise there was no culture of eating together. Everyone in the section is too busy. They are either out or away.

That needs to be adjusted to, amidst other things. People are nice and kind, but of course, I miss my colleagues back at the former place. It is rather different. I just hope it is because it is the initial stage so I have to maintain a composure before people start to warm up to me. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel *that* right. I guess, it is because I am after all, in a new environment, with familiarity only to one person.

Yesterday, the moment I walked into my cubicle, I was nabbed by a colleague who told me she had work for me to do already! (And she spoke in a rather authoritative tone, which didn’t make things better.) She even added that she had clearance from my supervisor already, which was really unnecessary (my assigned buddy had told her not to scare me off on my first day of work).Anyhow, I shall confess that I really don’t have a good feeling about her at all.

I came to work in a slight stupor. A lot of things have happened lately. My mum was hospitalized (again) last Tuesday, when I was having my test-interview. I only got hold of the news at around 4pm. I canceled all plans of meeting my jie-meis and went down to the hospital. Then, she was in a worrying state. She was in a total state of confusion and she had asked us why tubes were on her nose (I think it was meant to assist her breathing). Finally, after a few days, she had more or less regained consciousness of what was happening…and that is when she started getting tyrannical. Apparently, she was not too popular with the nurses around her. Apparently, she ranted at them and called them names and imposed demands.

I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t around to see.

I really don’t know what to think of it. Should I be glad that she is well or sad that she is still so tyrannical?

Anyhow, she has since been discharged. She is resting at home now. There was no better option. We would have preferred her to stay longer in the hospital if you ask me. At least that way, we would be assured that even if she fainted, someone is around.

Ahhhh, I don’t know. Everyone just tells me to stay strong—yes, I need that.
It is really very trying and tiring. Especially when I have to also handle house chores like washing everyone’s load and hanging the clothes up plus folding them…that takes a lot of time. But above all that, I guess I should be thankful that I have always had the opportunity to do house chores. Because otherwise, I would have collapsed.

Just before she was discharged, we got into another argument over who to administer her insulin. She nonchalantly insisted for me to do it before I leave for work in the morning; I thought that was ridiculous! With her “speed of action” and timing, and our clash in temperaments, it is highly unlikely I will ever get to work on time. I really cannot understand her. Rather, I don’t see why I should be putting up with her nonsense. But anyhow, R had his means and managed to convince my brother to help administer the insulin to her.

At that point in time, I can’t help but agree with N that R really made up my inadequacies. The fact is, had it not been for his interference, I would have had to stay the whole day in the hospital and be impatiently and grudgingly administering insulin every morning, waking up possibly much earlier than what I would have anticipated.

It is always easier to wallow in self-pity and cry the hearts out.

But I think it makes more sense to grow stronger with each ordeal and make sure that self-pity doesn’t get the better of us.

As I am writing, I can’t help but exclaim how much I miss my former colleagues.

And instinctively I can already tell you, I won’t be able to make many close friends here.

I hope I am wrong.