All in a stupor amidst some self-pity

It is my second day at work in the new place. I hit the gym today. Alone.

I hit the gym because I realise there was no culture of eating together. Everyone in the section is too busy. They are either out or away.

That needs to be adjusted to, amidst other things. People are nice and kind, but of course, I miss my colleagues back at the former place. It is rather different. I just hope it is because it is the initial stage so I have to maintain a composure before people start to warm up to me. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel *that* right. I guess, it is because I am after all, in a new environment, with familiarity only to one person.

Yesterday, the moment I walked into my cubicle, I was nabbed by a colleague who told me she had work for me to do already! (And she spoke in a rather authoritative tone, which didn’t make things better.) She even added that she had clearance from my supervisor already, which was really unnecessary (my assigned buddy had told her not to scare me off on my first day of work).Anyhow, I shall confess that I really don’t have a good feeling about her at all.

I came to work in a slight stupor. A lot of things have happened lately. My mum was hospitalized (again) last Tuesday, when I was having my test-interview. I only got hold of the news at around 4pm. I canceled all plans of meeting my jie-meis and went down to the hospital. Then, she was in a worrying state. She was in a total state of confusion and she had asked us why tubes were on her nose (I think it was meant to assist her breathing). Finally, after a few days, she had more or less regained consciousness of what was happening…and that is when she started getting tyrannical. Apparently, she was not too popular with the nurses around her. Apparently, she ranted at them and called them names and imposed demands.

I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t around to see.

I really don’t know what to think of it. Should I be glad that she is well or sad that she is still so tyrannical?

Anyhow, she has since been discharged. She is resting at home now. There was no better option. We would have preferred her to stay longer in the hospital if you ask me. At least that way, we would be assured that even if she fainted, someone is around.

Ahhhh, I don’t know. Everyone just tells me to stay strong—yes, I need that.
It is really very trying and tiring. Especially when I have to also handle house chores like washing everyone’s load and hanging the clothes up plus folding them…that takes a lot of time. But above all that, I guess I should be thankful that I have always had the opportunity to do house chores. Because otherwise, I would have collapsed.

Just before she was discharged, we got into another argument over who to administer her insulin. She nonchalantly insisted for me to do it before I leave for work in the morning; I thought that was ridiculous! With her “speed of action” and timing, and our clash in temperaments, it is highly unlikely I will ever get to work on time. I really cannot understand her. Rather, I don’t see why I should be putting up with her nonsense. But anyhow, R had his means and managed to convince my brother to help administer the insulin to her.

At that point in time, I can’t help but agree with N that R really made up my inadequacies. The fact is, had it not been for his interference, I would have had to stay the whole day in the hospital and be impatiently and grudgingly administering insulin every morning, waking up possibly much earlier than what I would have anticipated.

It is always easier to wallow in self-pity and cry the hearts out.

But I think it makes more sense to grow stronger with each ordeal and make sure that self-pity doesn’t get the better of us.

As I am writing, I can’t help but exclaim how much I miss my former colleagues.

And instinctively I can already tell you, I won’t be able to make many close friends here.

I hope I am wrong.

Each day a blessing

When she smiled, I can't help but notice she actually did have a nice smile.

I just don't know why she was so stingy with it. Was it because she was afraid it would be exploited, or was it because she was never genuinely ever happy?

...

It has been very trying for the past few days.

Last Wednesday, my mum decided to check herself into the hospital. She hadn't felt very well.

With some effort, she mustered her way to the A & E department, was warded within half a day and was there for three days. I had visited her on Wednesday night.

We were still behaving with the same aloofness towards each other. It was difficult for me to be nice when I know she didn't and wouldn't reciprocate. Once, she had swore at me for not massaging her legs (and I had wondered why she couldn't 1) ask in a nicer manner 2) done it herself). Another time, she was angry at my sarcastic comment to invite the whole world upon her remark to invite the physiotherapist whom she has seen three times. (She insisted that the physiotherapist seemed really keen to come to my wedding.)

Now, at this point in time, she seems to have a failing memory and a frail frame.

As apparent from her struggles to remember if she had taken her diabetic medication.

She had fallen down three times at home. She needs help to walk even a metre and I had bought her a frame just so that at least a support is available for her to hold on to when no one is at home.

But she is even not managing well with the basics of feeding and all. She can't always see the food. She has an acquired taste and rejects a number of stuff.

She has trouble seeing and hearing. That makes it all the more difficult for us to communicate to her, and for her to tell us. More often than not, she responds with an angry grunt about how we are not doing things right.

...

On Saturday, R and I visited L who has a one-year-plus toddler.

It was a visit long overdue because I had in fact planned to visit her after the baby was born (the last time I met her was when the baby was still in the tummy!) but I was rather busy. And can you imagine it--that was like eighteen months back.

Time really flies.

But somehow, the visit kind of made me a little sentimental. Not the visit per se, but maybe the reflections generated with the visit.

The fact is, I am very fearful of turning into my mother. As I would often confide in my colleague P, I am worried that when I am old, I have no friends like my mother.

You see, I never really know what kind of a person my mother was to her friends. I never saw a lot of her friends. She often kept to herself. She beseeched me--when I was growing up--never to trust people. I suppose then, she probably never trusted anyone.

So at this point in time, when I have to find help to assist us to tide over this crisis, I do not have many people to turn to.

Truth be told, the power of friends as a support network really cannot be underestimated.

Which is why, I had msn-ed L and said I cherish our friendship.

I had in fact wanted to text all my dear friends to tell them that: to let them know I really appreciate them for being in my life, and that I hope we stay as friends in years to come.

...

Now, I am at a loss. I really don't quite know what to do.

My mother's younger sister had come in yesterday and is coming in today. But we can't ask her to come forever. This is not a permanent solution.

But, I really don't have a better option now.

I guess I can really live one day at a time. That, in itself is enough a blessing.

Teary goodbyes

Very soon, I will be leaving my current workplace to begin a new adventure (or so I would hope to believe) in another environment.

News have been spreading rather quickly, thanks to the invention known as the 'staff portal'. And it is not that I mind; it is just that half the time, I can't really fathom the true intentions of people who come to probe about my plans.

"You leaving, I heard?" "Where are you going-can I kpo?"

Well, while I wouldn't be quick to snap a loud "CANNOT!" (yes, with that exclamation mark), I don't usually bother telling the truth.

I will say I am taking a break. And use the break to decide what I shall do next.

Put it this way: If I want you to know where I am going, I would have told you that I was leaving.

Which means yes, you wouldn't have to learn through the portal that I was leaving.

Makes sense?

...

It is a pity that my last few days here weren't a breeze. I was bullied, and made a bully despite so.

Initially, I had been tasked with some simple admin duty for a project, but for some unknown reasons, I was roped in to do some report.

In the end, I was chasing people for information accuracy and sources and writing irritated emails. At the very end, I compiled the report, proofread it, edited it and even gave recommendations as the team's representative!

Clearly, I was being exploited, with my immediate supervisor not even aware of the situation. So, when I went in to check with him, and was taken off the project, someone else apparently tried to manipulate the news of my leaving with this into a different tale.

I don't exactly know all the details of the tale; all I know was, there was a big bully and a small bully. The small bully bully cried, and fingers came to me.

I became the bully.

Wow, you said.

My sentiments, exactly,

...

You know, it really doesn't feel that long ago when I stepped into this place and began my first day.

Although frankly, I don't actually remember much of that first day, but life has been great. I like the easy-going life. I like my independence.

I like my free time. I like the carefree-ness. And I love the people.

And so I can say, very quickly, it has been almost one and a half years.

I know I will definitely miss the people here. After all, else, I wouldn't have to think so hard about whether I should leave. I really could have stayed here forever, till retirement, as much as the opportunities allow.

I know for sure I will miss P, who is more like my mother than my mother. I tell her everything, from my wedding preparation details to my fears to my quarrels with people.

I will also miss L, my so-called "twin" (the colleagues call us that because we hang around all the time). She may be much older but I can connect with her in many ways, and it is a relationship that I truly cherish.

I will miss M, my exercise kaki who is very sporty and bubbly, kind of my temperament.

It has been one of the hardest good-byes to say.

And I just hope there will be no teary good-byes on the day I packed my bag and go away.

Shucks-the thought of it makes me sad already.