Something useful to do with myself

I wonder if everyone goes through the same cycle of emotions: uplifted-> down-> melancholic-> aimless. Then pause...drifting up from aimlessness to inspired -> uplifted...and the whole cycle again. Do people go through that?

If yes, I am normal. If not, why do I keep finding myself feeling this way?

...

Just the past Sunday, V had shared about the struggle of living out the beatitudes.

These are a way of life. They are an attitude.

I suppose that means it can be formed if we consciously try hard enough.

Oh well.

I am writing this entry feeling a bit disgruntled and down. With myself. Oh well, looks like I can't keep my promise to my student F about not being 'emo' anymore.

(F said: You are getting married oh! Happy already! Cannot write emo entries anymore!)

Eh. I will try harder, I promise.

But you know that disgruntlment is not exactly a negative energy, I would think. Because it makes me think.

In fact, it made me see old things in a new light.

That, is uplifting.

...

When I was in the USA, I was often bored to tears.

Stuck in a rural part of a cosmopolitan city made it worse. I was so near to the facilities, yet I was so far.

That led me to keeping myself indoor 80% of the time. I didn't drive around to explore because I wasn't a good driver. I didn't travel to other states because I didn't want to miss religious class (and waste money--geez. What a bad excuse). So in the end, I didn't do what I had initially set out to do. Not one of it.

And I came back, almost empty-handed.

I remember being angry at myself for a long time.

There I was, free, nothing to do, with all the time in the world, which I could have used to my advantage. I could have studied more Spanish and taken my exams, did more yoga and became a teacher, danced more and and made better use of my time. But I had decided that it was not worth it...I had decided to become a bummer and stay at home to watch Ellen degeneres and the morning show.

I, threw all those possibilities away.

So if I had decided on all that, then who shall I blame?

*points finger around*

...

So what am I trying to say?

You see, I agree with all that people had said: my life is very aimless now.

When I was in school, life was easier because I was always working towards something, towards an exam rather.

Yes, my life had always only been about exams. HOW very........pathetic, huh?

So there is reason to be aimless now, isn't there, since there are no more exams?

But that is not the point. The point is, I haven't lived enough (not in terms of age, but in terms of the 'true spirit') to understand what I want from my life.

When people tell me I am pursuing too many things, I used to feel embarassed about it. I know it is a vice --because I end up becoming a Master of none--and I feel bad about it.

But that night, when my brother slammed my violin--mind you, the violin is broken now--and my parents did nothing at his unwarranted outburst, I suddenly understood something:

I was chasing everything because my parents couldn't afford to give me much. (I had wanted to say 'anything' but I realize that is not true.) No, I don't blame them, just like I don't blame them for not showering enough love on the family.

They never stood up for me. I always had to fight for everything.

And yes, life is like that. Never perfect.

Once speechless, I can now tell you. I am chasing everything because my parents never felt I could do anything. And I am not kidding about that.

I am chasing everything because when I was young--I never told you this before and I am not making it up and you have the right to not believe me if you think I am just telling a tall tale--everyone told me I would amount to nothing.

As young as five years old, I have heard that. Straight in my face.

Until don't know when, I still hear that. Still, straight in my face.

Nobody ever felt I could do anything. All they told me was "You will grow up to be a good-for-nothing."

I don't know why they said that. I really don't know. I sure hope it is not because I am naughty because I was never naughty or mischievous.

But I do know that I do want to prove everyone wrong.

Every single one of them.

...

You know, I bet we all have a story to tell. A story which can sometimes be forgotten because it is suppressed.

So for now, while I am trying my best to not be such a Jack, I can't say for sure I will succeed. I mean, we all have emotional baggages that can take forever to haul. Maybe I will still be aimlessly doing many things...

So while I try my best not to be a Jack, I have also been thinking hard about the kind of life I want to lead.

Like now. This kind of life.

Free, non-restrictions. Easy. Relaxed.

Not exactly the best, yes. But it is good enough.

And I was thinking, there must be a reason why I keep 'meeting' this kind of 'situation'. So since I am in it, why not make the best out of it?

...

R said something very meaningful: I want to fly when I have barely learnt how to walk.

Well, fine then. I shall walk. All my life.

Let's not try to fly anymore. Really. Let's not do that.

Let me not kid myself into believing I can soar.

And yes, you may find this conclusion seemingly familiar. Well, that is because I chanced upon this reflection before.

(Connect: There must be a reason why I keep coming to terms with this reflection.)

Then let me do something useful with it.