Searching for my way

I have not been able to blog for the past few weeks for various reasons and I thought I should just drop by today since 1) Iam feeling like it; 2) I am not in exactly a mood to rant; 3) I have things to say.

...

Just yesterday, something rather unpleasant has occured.

I was asked (specially) to help record minutes for a meeting. That was just one side of it. The other side was because I had demonstrated a strong competence (or I choose to think so, if that idea is more likely) in assimilating ideas.

It was a meeting for a taskforce. To start on a new venture and yes, chart a new chapter in the history of the organization.

While I may dislike the niche I am in, I take great pride in what I do. That can be a paradox, yes. It is just like, maybe you don't believe in democracy but you enjoy being a politician. The two concepts may--I emphasize--be related in a distant sense yes, but they are still related.

Anyhow, let me summarize by saying, it was unpleasant because other people tried to boss me around.

This other person brought in her own group of staff and TOLD me I need not do what my boss had asked me to do.

No, it was not in her capacity to do that. My boss is the chairperson of this whole committee and he had asked me to work together with XX.

It is a complicated story--just know that in the end, I was left feeling upset simply because I had imagined she had doubted my ability. However, after talking (or rather, ranting) to R, I realized she did it for strategic reasons. That other person probably was trying to win my boss' favour.

Will she succeed? I don't know. And I don't really care.

All that matters to me is, if in the end my request to work independently succeeds, then she better pray that my report is substandard to her staff's.

She better pray for that, because I don't want to get the last laugh.

...

And yes, life has been a little tough. Well, not that I am complaining.

Just a couple of week or so ago, a very dear friend L had spoken to me in all honesty and earnestness.

She asked me if I had ever considered thinking about my career seriously and if I were really prepared to settle down.

To really settle down requires a lot of things, I was told.

I remember feeling very upset--and trying very hard not to show it--at the end of the conversation. I wasn't upset at her; I was upset that no matter what I did, I was open to miscomprehension.

My friend had thought I was a little too happy-go-lucky (for lack of a better word) towards the development of a career and she had wanted to remind me to take a more composed attitude. She was speaking from experience, having changed jobs twice and getting into the third one at entry-level and hence, commanding a sizable sum less than her counterparts.

It wasn't like I didn't realize my predicament. I mean, I am totally aware of it.

But is there anything I can do?

Is there anything I can do when the job that I like right now is a contract position, which is based on a renewal term of 1.5 years?

Is there anything I can do when I like research but fail to reach the calibre required of Research Officers in governmental agencies?

Is there anything I can do when I am born stupid, am brought up speaking Mandarin, got a C5 for General Paper and a Second Lower for Honours?

Maybe there is--please let me know!

The truth is, I have been trying very hard.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I have a full-time job now. Else, I would have been still doing part-time work as before. I like that carefree kind of life.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I hadn't gone ahead to do the million and one things I badly want to do. I want to save up for my parents.

It is because I am trying so hard that I sometimes get so disappointed with myself and I just tear and cry. I too don't want to be direction-less, but my search has proven to be longer than others.

And yes, I do wish that I know what I am searching for, but the truth is, I don't!

And I am not saying these to gain your sympathy. Nobody deserves anyone's sympathy.

I am just saying this because I hope you can look at me from where I have come--the fact that I have grown--and not where I am.

Because I am never probably going to be nowhere near where you think I should be.