(They say that) I am not focused

As I was reading the entries in my previous blog, I realize I kind of like those entries more.

I think there were more words of wisdom written in there. But of course, because they started on a dark note. It is like starting from the valley. There is a considerable distance towards the top. If one starts from the top, then naturally, there is no more distance.

...

I think my life has been very ordinary, and almost becoming typical.

Not that it is a bad thing. Not at all, in fact.

I mean, it is better to be at ease and in peace with predictable happenings of the day than to be plagued into undesirable circumstances that catch one unawares.

But amidst that ordinariness, I think I am just degrading.

Into laziness and procrastination personified.

...

I didn't get the scholarship.

I didn't even get through to the interview stage! That shows how low my standard is.

And while I'd expected it, I am still feeling disappointed and sad.

I still wonder, what would have happened had I not walked away from Science?

What would have happened had I, when my boss then gave me the offer to work in the Japanese lab, stayed?

I mean, no one will know. No one can know.

Sometimes, I also end up wondering, what would have happened had I learnt ballet instead of piano?

How different would I be? How different would I have become?

No one will know. No one can know.

And so all I have with me is that disappointment.

I can try to console myself with many things: like how I am not that keen on Science actually; I just figured I was more passionate about the brain than I am for any other thing.

Like how PhD will take another three to four years and I would be in my thirties then, realizing that I haven't really led a life.

Like how much harder my parents will need to work in spite of their frail body and bitter bones, should I really get through.

I can say many things--but those, don't take away the feelings of 'lousiness' I feel inside.

R said I am not lousy. I am just not focused.

Am I not focused? I had thought it was the contrary.

R said, had I been more focused, I would have learnt whatever I needed to learn. I would have learnt more about the technique. I would have acquired sufficient skills to gain employment.

R said, had I been more focused, I would have achieved more things.

...and I don't know what to think of it.

Can I ever be focused? I have thought that I am focused.

I don't know...

For now, I only know that I have been struggling with that feeling of the lack of accomplishment since...last week.

I want to see it in a positive light. I want to see it as God not giving me the route because it is something that I wasn't meant to do.

Fine.

Then can someone pls tell me what I am meant to do?