My resolutions..um yes, I know it is not the New Year yet

Today was comparatively a much better day than yesterday.

Technically, it wasn't. Really. It was just as sucky. The girls didn't quite behave themselves. E was negotiating--as usual. G was turning naughtier by the day. Their former au pair was away for a trip (which is maybe why the girls have unleased their evil side) and I have to deal with them all alone.

So it really sucked. Big time.

On the one hand, E was always pushing for time, asking for extensions. "Another 10 more minutes?" but of course, kids being kids, their concept of time is always so warped. G will talk as she eats all the time and we will all spend 2 hours in a meal.

Of course, there are the other small irritating irking frustrating nonsense like cheating during board games and watching tv instead of finishing up their homework.

And while I would like to brood over it and ponder if I should just quit it, I won't.

Life is never a bed of roses, is it?

We continually search for things to be unhappy about, for the very sake of being unhappy.

...

I was really frustrated yesterday.

First, my driving class sucked. No, that isn't right. I should say, my driving sucks.

If you are not aware, driving is a big part of my job.

My driving instructor feels that I am not ready for the highway and the way she put it really made me feel so rotten inside.

Not to mention the implicit comments A said to me when I took the car to the mall the night before.

"Um, you got your licence a year ago? You sure?" *With the tone of skeptism and disbelief.

She said it because I had trouble 1) reversing 2) driving smoothly. And I felt so stupid. So so stupid.

Fine, I am psychomotor-challenged. I admit it.

I am. I am. I really am.

Which is why when the driving instructor stated her honest opinion (um, don't get me wrong. I am not fed-up at the instructor; I am angry with myself.), I almost burst into tears.

Deep down inside, of course.

Then, I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't be there at all.

Maybe I have made a mistake.

...

The second sucky thing was with regard to my educational credits.

Part of the Au Pair requirement was that I would need to complete 6 credits in a year, which would translate into 80 hours.

I had earlier already zoomed in on the courses that I like and would want to take. Upon arriving here, only did I realize they would cost me so much money I can't possibly afford it.

And I am sad.

Like this particular private college, it costs $1200 per credit. Can you imagine!!!??

And I am reimbursed only up to a maximum of $500. You can do the math, I am sure.

So...that was out.

Then I realized that hey! There were cheaper courses! But guess what, I can't take them because the timings didn't quite match up!

Well done.

And so I spent the whole of this afternnon searching for courses online only to realize again, the term has started and I won't be able to sign in because the kids are going to school only next Thursday.

Well done. Well done.

...

And you must be waiting for the last sucky thing.

I will leave that for later...later as in later later.

But I will give you some clue: I think it is important to occupy your time when you are here. For me at least. Else, I think I will just waste away. Body. Mind and Spirit.

...

I have decided that I will press on, no matter what happens.

(Unless of course, the parents decide to send me home; that is quite another matter. But as much as I can will it, I am here to stay.)

I don't know how long I will be here though. Sometimes, I think I can stay here for two years. Other times, I feel that maybe 1.5 years will be enough. Occassionally, I will think that maybe I will just be here for a year.

I don't know, and I guess I don't have to know. Yet.

What is more important is that I settle on my objectives for being here, which I have conveniently shelved aside.

And I think I may just be in the right mindset to think and write them down now.

1) Complete yoga teacher training with my idol Cyndi Lee at Om Yoga.

2) Visit as many places within the US while staying in touch with my friends from orientation.

3) Visit Canada and Mexico and maybe the Carribean Islands.

4) Go through RCIA and get baptised.

5) Take up a course which I won't be able to do in Singapore, e.g. Russian, kinesology, Arabic...

6) Become the person God plans for me to be (this is a little tricky).

Wish me all the luck! =)

Not putting a money/benefit tag to everything

I don't know about you but I think the typical urban dweller likes to put a tag to things.

We assess the benefits and the price involved and then decide if it is all worthwhile.

We can't help it; that seems the only way to make sure our kind innocent hearts do not get exploited.

...

I was doing the dishes this morning.

Did you shriek when I said that? Did you think deep down inside that I am actually an imported Filipino maid?

Did you feel that that is NOT my responsibility and I shouldn't be doing it?

...

Well, if this is comforting, I volunteered to do it. They didn't ask me to.

...

But as I was doing that, I did have some reflections about the way life is now.

As Alice (in case I forgot to introduce her to you earlier, she is the previous Au Pair. Her term has ended and she is just staying back to help me learn the ropes) put it, many of the Au Pairs will shrink their responsibility and demand that they should solely be in charge of the kid (s).

Because they are paid only to do that!

Yes, that is true. I wouldn't deny that.

Then perhaps, let me ask you this:

Consider if you were to go on vacation with the family and they ask you to pay for *every* single cent your accomodation/food cost. (Or maybe they ask that you babysit the house while they travel...)

Consider if the family says "You are only entitled to $500 worth of supplies ranging from food to drink to utilities to what-have-you-not".

Consider if the family requests that you pump up the petrol (oops, I think they use the term 'gas') the exact amount you have used when you use the car.

...

This entry is a little bit paradoxical.

I am saying that Au Pairs should learn not to place a benefit tag to everything. But in order to do that, you have to first realize the tag of everything.

Alice was telling me that the rematch rate is pretty high.

For the benefit of those who have no idea what I am talking about, a rematch happens when after the first month, the Au Pair AND the family decides that they have had enough of each other and they want to bust each other out.

You have three attempts, following which, the host family gets kicked out of the program and the Au Pair gets sent home.

It is not pretty.

...

So if you ask me, why do I not bother that I am doing what a Filipino maid does?

The truth is, I am not in Singapore.

Back home, I didn't even need to make my bed. Back home, my table is as tidy as a pig sty (you get what I mean) and I don't need to do the dishes at all. Back home, who cares about whether the things are neat or not. As long as I know where they are placed, everything goes.

But I am not at home literally now.

I am at home with a host family, with two young girls to whom I have to play role model to.

I am at home to experience the fair share of responsibilities EVERY ONE should be doing as part of a family.

And really, I do realize how much I have taken many things for granted.

That aside, I think it is just about changing a perspective.

It is the same with many things in life. Maybe things may turn out better or more manageable once we learn to change the way we look at things.

Which is why I don't mind helping to do some dishes, or other auxiliary chores that are not ridiculously out of my range of work.

I know the paradox. But I will learn.

My day off in NY City

I do not need to work today.

Oh well, yes, I haven't officially started (tomorrow is my official day and yes, I am feeling nervous about it. You bet!!) but even if I had, Sunday is still a day off.

Anyway, what I meant to say is, even though I didn't have to work today, I was still up early. And that is because I was going into the city!

Yay! Three cheers for the city!

*rolls eye*

It was a long ride into the city from where I live. I have to first take the car to the train station, which is about a 10 min drive. And then from there, I take a train (yes, what else can you do in the train station except taking a train??) which takes about 1 hour plus.

Don't expect the Singapore MRT. It is much much more complicated than that.

We were planning to head for Chinatown today which means there was a need to do a transfer to the metro. And that needed time too.

Which means also, I will need to take a LONG TIME to get into the city to do dance or yoga or attend classes, for that matter.

...

Alice brought me to a vegetarian restaurant in Chinatown.

I think she still thinks of me as a strict vegetarian.

Um, in case you think I am too, that is not entirely correct.

I eat *a lot* of veggies and fruits and I seldom eat meat if I can help it. But I am not vegetarian.

Um, you get what I mean?

(If you didn't, then forget it. Just take it that I am vegetarian. It makes things easier that way.)

The food was ok. But if you gave me a choice, I wouldn't go to a vegetarian restaurant because I think they are paid too much for gluten.

Anyway, I also got to pass by this fishmonger.

Again, forget the fishmonger in the market. It is a shop with many different types of seafood. I don't know what you can call those?? That is not important; what is important is that I saw my favourite fish!!!!

(You can count the number of exclamation marks and that would be an indication of my excitement)

I am still thinking if I should buy it (that would have to come out from my own pocket because the family doesn't like to eat fish...). Maybe somebody want to sponsor?

(Or you guys can take turns to sponsor me the fish ;P)

I was also brought to a Chinese Provision shop to search for 3-in-1 coffee but all I found were expired Owl's products.

...

I had a short walk along Broadway and along Times Square.

It was all very surreal. That is the best way I can put it.

As I strolled along the walkways alongside the gigantic towers, I can't help but feel small.

It was as if I was suddenly transformed into a little man and I was just strolling beside giants. The buildings are really really huge! Gosh, for whatever reasons I cannot understand.

The streets were busy. As with any other typical city. People were just bustling along.

It was very emotional for me, you know.

I don't know how to put it but I am thankful for the opportunity to be right here right now.

Like Alice had put it, how often would you pay for a ticket to this end of the problem to have a 10-day holiday?

How often would you be able to experience life abroad as a pseudo-resident?

...

I didn't bring my camera today because I wanted to 'test out' the city.

The next time I meet up with my other Au Pair friends, I will try to take some pictures and post it out here (but then I am sure you would have seen so many pictures already so they wouldn't look too impressive, would they?).

Till then, cheers for a better tomorrow. I will start my work formally *cross my fingers* and I will have driving also *cross more fingers*.

I am so excited but also, I am so nervous.

=) Life is great, if you believe it is, and you make a conscious effort to make it so.

NY Sentiments

This is the...*Let me count* sixth day I am in New York already, I think.

People who know about it will ask me on msn how life is...and I usually will reply that it is ok.

Well, it is ok so far, really.

But the thing is, I am still on training so it is really hard to judge how everything will turn out.

...

I was in the hotel for the first few days and while I thought it was informative, I must say I wasn't too impressed.

For one, they had initially forgotten about my flight entirely and we (my host family and I) were all caught up in a mess of contacting APIA for the updated information.

I came as scheduled in the end, on a flight that took me from one end of the globe to the other end, which if I weren't mistaken, it was a longer route.

Not to mention the fact that the promise of being "accompanied by other au pairs on the flight" didn't materialize.

No no, I have nothing against Germans. I just felt it was a little difficult trying to break into the company.

I was transiting at Frankfurt and the other au pairs on the same flight were, surprisingly, Germans!

Duh...

They talked to themselves 90% of the time and for the first time in my life, I really did feel left-out and lonely and I was really starting to regret my decision.

...

The orientation aside, the past few days have been great.

I ate good food--so really, I am pretty sure I will put on weight--and I had a relatively easy-going life.

I learnt about the girls' schedules and I tried to familiarize myself with the roads here, and of course, if you are aware, I am actually bad with directions. In fact, I do anticipate having trouble to remember the parking lot which I have parked my car (I don't know how I will remember).

The parents are nice and the children are ok so far although I really wouldn't know until school resumes in summer.

Anyhow, I willl officially start work on Monday. Yes, the coming Monday.

Am I nervous?

Very very.

But I guess I am more worried about not doing a good job.

As I sit myself in front of the previous au pair and I listen to her talk ab0ut her day, I do have thoughts and wonders about the decision.

I can't say this is the right decision and I do really question my judgment.

But as it is, I chose it and I will follow it through for better or worse.

I chose to sign up for the program and I chose to be matched with the family.

I chose to get disengaged from life in my country and take a year or two out to seek the inner voice that I have been missing, or maybe suppressing.

And for that, I choose to stick to the end.

For the 1001 things in life, it is always easier to give up than hold on.

I have that tendency and for that, I choose to challenge myself once again.

...

I may not have made the wisest decision but I know I definitely made one that had corresponded to God's plan.

And that matters. For me.