Tired...

The truth, I really am tired.

Maybe it is because of that one late night. Or maybe it is because of my persevering efforts. Whatever it is, I really do feel tired.

...

I have applied for grad school in Germany.

Yes, I know you raised your eye-brows. Didn't I pledge never to study again?

I think I pledge too often too much.

Didn't I pledge never to become a Christian? But ain't I turning one anyway?

So pledges can't be trusted.

Then what can?

...

But the whole application has been very tiring.

I took two weeks to conceive the essay, put it together.

I wrote emails to my mentor stand-in because my Prof had disappeared from the surface of the Earth.

I rewrote and polished up my CV and all.

I mean, yes...it is nothing, is it? I should go through all this if I really want this.

Yes, it is nothing. I am just saying, I am tired.

I am tired of chasing for the things I want to accomplish.

I am tired of seeking.

...

I was just thinking, maybe I should continue my aimless lifestyle as I have led in the past. For whatever reasons did I give it up anyway?

I was contented doing nothing--going to dance class, doing yoga, working a part-time job--even though everyone else was shaking heads and raising eyebrows.

But wait, I do not mean I am happier then. There is no happier then, happier now. I am happy both ways.

It is just that, I am tired now. I feel tired now. I am tired of having my hopes raised, then dashed, believing that good things will happen and then getting disappointed.

I am just feeling that..maybe a life lacking of promises and full of typicalities may suit me better.

Then it will always be mediocre.

Then I will never be tired.