No, I don't know how to spell 'fatty bom bom' correctly so I hope that was the right one.
(If it isn't, it doesn't matter too because you know what I am saying, right?)
...
I am getting fat.
Yes, I am using this entry to warn you that I am getting fat, so that if you should run into me on the street and not really recognize me, that is because I am F-A-T!
And I am still doing my exercise. I guess I am just not as active as before and I still eat the same amount.
*sigh*
So really, when you see me, you don't have to remind me I am fat. I know it. Really, I do!!!!
...
My Diploma course in Teaching Chinese as a foreign language has officially ended, so that frees up three mornings in a week.
I have decided to embark on a more intensive exercise regime to shape up...
The ironic thing is, I actually feel better than when I was in my Dance Scholarship programme.
Yes, I was fitter then but I also had more spells of low blood pressure and all.
Right now, I am on the plump side (as before) but I don't feel dizzy so often.
Maybe really, there is never the best of both worlds. I don't know.
I hope to start dancing again.
...
Maybe I will drag R down to that Argentina Tango class.
Or maybe I may start doing rock-climbing.
Maybe I will take up a Modern dance class.
Or maybe I will just be lazy and continue to get fatter.
And become an authentic fatty holding some boms boms.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Better, or not?
It is the Deepavali Public Holiday and I am very glad for the opportunity to...rest? Well, kind of, more of cleaning up the house.
Yes, my place is very messy. I am very messy, to be frank.
My place is so messy that we would qualify for that variety show with Kym Ng as host and doubling as a broom.
Never mind if you don't know the show--the message is, my house is dirty and it needs cleaning up.
...
I am not sure if I have officially announced it (I can't remember and I can't be bothered to scroll my past entries): I have tendered my resignation.
It came as a shock to my colleagues, for whatever reasons I don't know.
Maybe like what O likes to say, I am too docile (note, submissive may be the other dimension to its actual meaning) and so, like the docile pandas who don't bite, I was probably expected to sit here through the rest of my life.
Then maybe there are others who feel that I am at the top of things, and since I am handling everything so well, there is absolutely no reason to go.
Of course the list goes on.
It is a very hard call, as I have explained time and again.
Life is good, but I don't crave for that kind of a good life.
I am not sure if you know what I mean.
The simple truth: holding a job is not only about being at the top of things or being submissive.
For me, it is about seeking my vocation. The very meaning of my purpose.
That aside, I guess what is most upsetting is that they didn't try to make me stay.
Although frankly, I was thinking to myself, maybe they knew they can't...since I have another job offer waiting already.
When I went into the office with E, she was obviously more concerned about the possible conflict of interest.
Come on.
How could there be when all I do now is modifying exam questions and teaching the syllabi the Ministry has set and I am moving on to shaping schools and teachers' psychology?
More interestingly, I think she kind of asked if the job were a better one.
No, I said, I can't say if it is better.
How would I know? How would I judge?
...
If you think about it very hard, every single choice would be the best possible, so there is really no better one.
No, the quote didn't come from me, and no, I don't remember where I have seen this.
But it is true, isn't it?
At every juncture of a decision, you stop and ponder and make the decision because you would have believed that it was better.
If not, you wouldn't have opted for it.
Like me, I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as a teacher. I didn't want to be in a position which deals with the transmission of knowledge.
So I opt out.
But that doesn't mean being a teacher is not a good thing. We all need teachers. I am where I am because of the guidance of my teachers.
It just means that at this point of time, not continuing to be a teacher is good for me.
It may not be better but it is just something I have to do.
...
The truth is, vocation is a very elusive thing.
It competes with the other more important things in life, like your remuneration, your sense of satisfaction, the prestige and social status.
I remember telling Q, the new position excites me because I know this is a possible output of the training I have had.
And I was telling M, I am one research assistant versus one of the many other teachers here.
No no. I don't think it is about being important.
I can still be important here, if they had valued me as an indvidual.
But from the very shallow questions they ask, I know for sure no, I am but another 'teacher' mould.
...
So really, I can't comment if my new position will be better.
For one, it is not better since I have to travel to the other side of the island.
And two, it is not better because the pay is slightly lower (Q asked in shock why I hadn't negotiated).
But then, at the end of the day, what matters as I am taught by R, should exceed all this very mortal considerations.
As long as it fulfills your missing link, it is in all sense, better already.
Yes, my place is very messy. I am very messy, to be frank.
My place is so messy that we would qualify for that variety show with Kym Ng as host and doubling as a broom.
Never mind if you don't know the show--the message is, my house is dirty and it needs cleaning up.
...
I am not sure if I have officially announced it (I can't remember and I can't be bothered to scroll my past entries): I have tendered my resignation.
It came as a shock to my colleagues, for whatever reasons I don't know.
Maybe like what O likes to say, I am too docile (note, submissive may be the other dimension to its actual meaning) and so, like the docile pandas who don't bite, I was probably expected to sit here through the rest of my life.
Then maybe there are others who feel that I am at the top of things, and since I am handling everything so well, there is absolutely no reason to go.
Of course the list goes on.
It is a very hard call, as I have explained time and again.
Life is good, but I don't crave for that kind of a good life.
I am not sure if you know what I mean.
The simple truth: holding a job is not only about being at the top of things or being submissive.
For me, it is about seeking my vocation. The very meaning of my purpose.
That aside, I guess what is most upsetting is that they didn't try to make me stay.
Although frankly, I was thinking to myself, maybe they knew they can't...since I have another job offer waiting already.
When I went into the office with E, she was obviously more concerned about the possible conflict of interest.
Come on.
How could there be when all I do now is modifying exam questions and teaching the syllabi the Ministry has set and I am moving on to shaping schools and teachers' psychology?
More interestingly, I think she kind of asked if the job were a better one.
No, I said, I can't say if it is better.
How would I know? How would I judge?
...
If you think about it very hard, every single choice would be the best possible, so there is really no better one.
No, the quote didn't come from me, and no, I don't remember where I have seen this.
But it is true, isn't it?
At every juncture of a decision, you stop and ponder and make the decision because you would have believed that it was better.
If not, you wouldn't have opted for it.
Like me, I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as a teacher. I didn't want to be in a position which deals with the transmission of knowledge.
So I opt out.
But that doesn't mean being a teacher is not a good thing. We all need teachers. I am where I am because of the guidance of my teachers.
It just means that at this point of time, not continuing to be a teacher is good for me.
It may not be better but it is just something I have to do.
...
The truth is, vocation is a very elusive thing.
It competes with the other more important things in life, like your remuneration, your sense of satisfaction, the prestige and social status.
I remember telling Q, the new position excites me because I know this is a possible output of the training I have had.
And I was telling M, I am one research assistant versus one of the many other teachers here.
No no. I don't think it is about being important.
I can still be important here, if they had valued me as an indvidual.
But from the very shallow questions they ask, I know for sure no, I am but another 'teacher' mould.
...
So really, I can't comment if my new position will be better.
For one, it is not better since I have to travel to the other side of the island.
And two, it is not better because the pay is slightly lower (Q asked in shock why I hadn't negotiated).
But then, at the end of the day, what matters as I am taught by R, should exceed all this very mortal considerations.
As long as it fulfills your missing link, it is in all sense, better already.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Impending doom...
I went to see a doctor this morning. On my way there, I contemplated blogging many things. But I was hesitant, because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.
Sometimes, things can go the wrong way. The wrong message can be intended.
...
I have got chest pains for many days now. It started...from Monday, perhaps? Or maybe earlier, I don't know.
And while I would like to shrug it off as 'nothing', I have to admit I have been going to bed with the fear I may not wake up to see the next day.
Yes, really.
Every night, I seem to feel that my heart is having an arhythmnic beat. I seem to feel 'an impending doom', as the doctor put it.
So yes, I am glad to wake up every morning to realize I hadn't died in my sleep.
....
Once again, the latency period is getting longer and longer. I know.
It is not that I don't want to blog; the many deadlines competing for attention makes it almost impossible.
And I was asked by B: Why do you like to try many things? (Or did he say everything? I can't remember)
But I am bored. Easily. That is why I like to try everything.
I am bored with living in Singapore. That is why I went for the APIA programme. That is why I would want to work overseas.
I am bored with my work. That is why I want to change my job (and by the way, I am changing my job come 2nd Jan).
But I am adventurous (or so I would like to consider myself). That is why I like to try everything.
That is why I dared myself to go for the Dance Scholarship Auditions. When I obviously have one and a half left feet.
That is why I can attend language classes on my own. When my brain capability is obviously not huge.
....
I don't know what impression you gather from this entry.
No, I hope you didn't think I am writing it as a death-note sort of.
But seriously, I do wonder...why is death so scary?
I find it scary. I do.
But why is it scary?
That, I don't know, although I would associate it with the fact that being the ending of your many encounters on Earth, it is bound to evoke some nostalgia.
...But if you had been seriously living your life, would you still be scared?
Well, I am absolutely cluesless about that.
Anyway, the doctor said I shouldn't have a heart attack.
So then, it should get better.
=)
Sometimes, things can go the wrong way. The wrong message can be intended.
...
I have got chest pains for many days now. It started...from Monday, perhaps? Or maybe earlier, I don't know.
And while I would like to shrug it off as 'nothing', I have to admit I have been going to bed with the fear I may not wake up to see the next day.
Yes, really.
Every night, I seem to feel that my heart is having an arhythmnic beat. I seem to feel 'an impending doom', as the doctor put it.
So yes, I am glad to wake up every morning to realize I hadn't died in my sleep.
....
Once again, the latency period is getting longer and longer. I know.
It is not that I don't want to blog; the many deadlines competing for attention makes it almost impossible.
And I was asked by B: Why do you like to try many things? (Or did he say everything? I can't remember)
But I am bored. Easily. That is why I like to try everything.
I am bored with living in Singapore. That is why I went for the APIA programme. That is why I would want to work overseas.
I am bored with my work. That is why I want to change my job (and by the way, I am changing my job come 2nd Jan).
But I am adventurous (or so I would like to consider myself). That is why I like to try everything.
That is why I dared myself to go for the Dance Scholarship Auditions. When I obviously have one and a half left feet.
That is why I can attend language classes on my own. When my brain capability is obviously not huge.
....
I don't know what impression you gather from this entry.
No, I hope you didn't think I am writing it as a death-note sort of.
But seriously, I do wonder...why is death so scary?
I find it scary. I do.
But why is it scary?
That, I don't know, although I would associate it with the fact that being the ending of your many encounters on Earth, it is bound to evoke some nostalgia.
...But if you had been seriously living your life, would you still be scared?
Well, I am absolutely cluesless about that.
Anyway, the doctor said I shouldn't have a heart attack.
So then, it should get better.
=)
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