A Saturday's worth

I need to come in on Sat.

What is the big deal, you say?

Why am I so petty, you ask?

Yea, I am petty.

No, there is no big deal.

The point is, there is nothing wrong in itself--working on Sat. My previous work place required me to work on Saturdays too.

I am pissed because 1) it is not because I can't finish my work that I am coming in; 2) I am doing work which I find is demeaning.

Yes, perspectives change.

Perspectives change because of experience.

And yes I am sure, we may all be in one demeaning position or another. At one point in time.

The difference why we stick to it or we don't?

...Its worth.

But I guess, for me, at this juncture, amidst promises of better remuneration and whatever benefits but no career progression, I must be thankful for this exchange.

I have been praying for signs--should I go or do I stay?

I have made good friends here. And I must confess I will miss them fondly.

But...if you ask me,

coupled with the infringement of intellectual rights with no recognition,

having to slave my brain juices for something not worthwhile in my perspective,

and having to come back on Sat (this would have been a pull factor to stay, but now that it is infringed, where else is there?),

I think my mind is more or less made up.

You know. It is really not about whether I come back on Sat and then giving me a make-up on another weekday.

The fact is, a weekday and Sat, are they really comparable?

...

In your dreams, maybe.

48 weeks for 52

I would have preferred not to blog about it, but I think I should, because it helps me feel less yucky.

Or maybe it wouldn't really help. I don't know.

...

I just found out that I am not entitled to the 13th month bonus.

Yes, it is not a big deal, I know, I know. I am just kicking a big fuss. Yes, I know I know.

I guess maybe I was thinking in the logical sense. If one year has 52 weeks, then I should legitimately get the 13th month 'bonus', which is really not a bonus.

But no la. The world doesn't always run on logic, as we would all have realized.

As I would think that I have worked as hard as others, sloughed as much, if not contributed my insights, I am not quite at peace with the kind of deal I am getting.

I cannot complain of course; I signed the contract willingly, not fully understanding the clauses and being aware of what is being spelt out.

...

So I thought I should write about it to consider the good side of the issue.

Because life is so se-nang, I can afford the time to plan for my wedding.

Because life is so se-nang, everyone is so nice...and I have had the opportunity to make some good friends.

Because life is so se-nang, I can go home immediately after work and pursue my own activities.

Because life is so se-nang, I can go for time off to play sports with other colleagues.

All that...all that, for a month of pay. No doubt it is a rather hefty amount.

A test

Back in the office for the third day. One and a half more day of work and two more (kind of) days to Christmas.

How has it been?

Eh, ok. Am a little stressed up because I need to rush out a chapter (for a book. Eh no, not for myself) and that we are meeting the publishers on Mon. Other than that, so far so good.

...

Do I miss anything about China?

Well...not really. I guess if there were anything I miss, it would be the very relaxed kind of lifestyle. When days seem to float slowly by. When I can sleep at midnight (not because I want to) and wake up at 730am fully recharged. When I can eat pretty much and still lose weight (guess its too cold).

Other than that, nothing really. Although maybe, if I have had to be there longer, I would have tried to make life more comfortable by bringing 'homely' things with me. But since I was only going to be there for a month, I didn't see the need to.

On the whole, I think the trip has made me more bearing and more humble.

I used to think that I can be rather impatient and snappy (attested by my behaviour towards my mum). But I was proven wrong.

My roommate, who is a lady is her 50s, tends to like to call me 'stupid' and 'silly'. Well, and yes, I do sometimes do stupid and silly things...probably unintentionally but nonetheless, it is still irritating.

And of course, don't expect a lady who has lived half a life to tolerate such behaviour.

So, while I dislike being called stupid (and what-have-you), I usually will retaliate with a "Ya lo. I am so stupid lo." I mean, the point is, I never thought of myself as being too clever to begin with.

I don't know what she really thought of me by the end of the trip but when we parted, she commended that I have been very good. Because for the many times she had chided me off, I had never once retorted.

Oh well...

sometimes we really never know who we are and what we are capable of until we are put to the test.

As I nurse my cold

Right now I am typing at work, but I will be leaving after lunch.


Not because I am on leave though, but because I am sick. I just returned from the doctor who diagnosed it as cold and dismissed my earlier flu jab to have anything to do with it.


Frankly, it is getting rather disconcerting. My joint aches are killing me (the doctor says joint aches are not necessarily due to flu viruses; a cold virus can have the same effect). I am perspiring profusely but I am feeling cold. My nose is stuffed and my head hurts like crazy.


And it is all very disconcerting because I am leaving for China on Sunday. And, I will be there for a month.

...


I don't usually succumb to the cold virus so I am unusually curious about this bout.

All I can think of is Wed, when I had attended class without my sweatshirt in my so-proclaimed chilly room, which is a rare event because I usually will bring the swetshirt out wherever I go.

Maybe I was trying to train myself to be strong; to be able to battle the cold.

Oh well.


...

I kind of toyed with the idea of not flying off to China should I not get better by tomorrow.

But I really want to go! Despite the fact that my mum thinks poorly of the activity and the university...I really want to go.

I guess to a certain activity, I need a break from work.

For the past week when my boss has not been around, I have been volunteered to do work that is not within my scope. Not that that is not possible--my boss has already asked me to do a lot of things beyond the stated scope--it irritates me because of the way I have been asked to do it.

Anyhow, not that it bothers me...I see it as a means to extend my repetoire of writing styles.

And even as I am disgruntled about the abuse of authority, I do understand that this is part and package of worklife. Some day, some giant will just decide to exploit you for his own benefits.

Can you do anything about it?

Nothing, I reckon.

But you can do something with it.

...Train yourself up.

And maybe the first time I will end up like today, sick because the training was too harsh...
But eventually the body will develop resistance, I am sure.

And it doesn't get to us anymore.

Something useful to do with myself

I wonder if everyone goes through the same cycle of emotions: uplifted-> down-> melancholic-> aimless. Then pause...drifting up from aimlessness to inspired -> uplifted...and the whole cycle again. Do people go through that?

If yes, I am normal. If not, why do I keep finding myself feeling this way?

...

Just the past Sunday, V had shared about the struggle of living out the beatitudes.

These are a way of life. They are an attitude.

I suppose that means it can be formed if we consciously try hard enough.

Oh well.

I am writing this entry feeling a bit disgruntled and down. With myself. Oh well, looks like I can't keep my promise to my student F about not being 'emo' anymore.

(F said: You are getting married oh! Happy already! Cannot write emo entries anymore!)

Eh. I will try harder, I promise.

But you know that disgruntlment is not exactly a negative energy, I would think. Because it makes me think.

In fact, it made me see old things in a new light.

That, is uplifting.

...

When I was in the USA, I was often bored to tears.

Stuck in a rural part of a cosmopolitan city made it worse. I was so near to the facilities, yet I was so far.

That led me to keeping myself indoor 80% of the time. I didn't drive around to explore because I wasn't a good driver. I didn't travel to other states because I didn't want to miss religious class (and waste money--geez. What a bad excuse). So in the end, I didn't do what I had initially set out to do. Not one of it.

And I came back, almost empty-handed.

I remember being angry at myself for a long time.

There I was, free, nothing to do, with all the time in the world, which I could have used to my advantage. I could have studied more Spanish and taken my exams, did more yoga and became a teacher, danced more and and made better use of my time. But I had decided that it was not worth it...I had decided to become a bummer and stay at home to watch Ellen degeneres and the morning show.

I, threw all those possibilities away.

So if I had decided on all that, then who shall I blame?

*points finger around*

...

So what am I trying to say?

You see, I agree with all that people had said: my life is very aimless now.

When I was in school, life was easier because I was always working towards something, towards an exam rather.

Yes, my life had always only been about exams. HOW very........pathetic, huh?

So there is reason to be aimless now, isn't there, since there are no more exams?

But that is not the point. The point is, I haven't lived enough (not in terms of age, but in terms of the 'true spirit') to understand what I want from my life.

When people tell me I am pursuing too many things, I used to feel embarassed about it. I know it is a vice --because I end up becoming a Master of none--and I feel bad about it.

But that night, when my brother slammed my violin--mind you, the violin is broken now--and my parents did nothing at his unwarranted outburst, I suddenly understood something:

I was chasing everything because my parents couldn't afford to give me much. (I had wanted to say 'anything' but I realize that is not true.) No, I don't blame them, just like I don't blame them for not showering enough love on the family.

They never stood up for me. I always had to fight for everything.

And yes, life is like that. Never perfect.

Once speechless, I can now tell you. I am chasing everything because my parents never felt I could do anything. And I am not kidding about that.

I am chasing everything because when I was young--I never told you this before and I am not making it up and you have the right to not believe me if you think I am just telling a tall tale--everyone told me I would amount to nothing.

As young as five years old, I have heard that. Straight in my face.

Until don't know when, I still hear that. Still, straight in my face.

Nobody ever felt I could do anything. All they told me was "You will grow up to be a good-for-nothing."

I don't know why they said that. I really don't know. I sure hope it is not because I am naughty because I was never naughty or mischievous.

But I do know that I do want to prove everyone wrong.

Every single one of them.

...

You know, I bet we all have a story to tell. A story which can sometimes be forgotten because it is suppressed.

So for now, while I am trying my best to not be such a Jack, I can't say for sure I will succeed. I mean, we all have emotional baggages that can take forever to haul. Maybe I will still be aimlessly doing many things...

So while I try my best not to be a Jack, I have also been thinking hard about the kind of life I want to lead.

Like now. This kind of life.

Free, non-restrictions. Easy. Relaxed.

Not exactly the best, yes. But it is good enough.

And I was thinking, there must be a reason why I keep 'meeting' this kind of 'situation'. So since I am in it, why not make the best out of it?

...

R said something very meaningful: I want to fly when I have barely learnt how to walk.

Well, fine then. I shall walk. All my life.

Let's not try to fly anymore. Really. Let's not do that.

Let me not kid myself into believing I can soar.

And yes, you may find this conclusion seemingly familiar. Well, that is because I chanced upon this reflection before.

(Connect: There must be a reason why I keep coming to terms with this reflection.)

Then let me do something useful with it.

Searching for my way

I have not been able to blog for the past few weeks for various reasons and I thought I should just drop by today since 1) Iam feeling like it; 2) I am not in exactly a mood to rant; 3) I have things to say.

...

Just yesterday, something rather unpleasant has occured.

I was asked (specially) to help record minutes for a meeting. That was just one side of it. The other side was because I had demonstrated a strong competence (or I choose to think so, if that idea is more likely) in assimilating ideas.

It was a meeting for a taskforce. To start on a new venture and yes, chart a new chapter in the history of the organization.

While I may dislike the niche I am in, I take great pride in what I do. That can be a paradox, yes. It is just like, maybe you don't believe in democracy but you enjoy being a politician. The two concepts may--I emphasize--be related in a distant sense yes, but they are still related.

Anyhow, let me summarize by saying, it was unpleasant because other people tried to boss me around.

This other person brought in her own group of staff and TOLD me I need not do what my boss had asked me to do.

No, it was not in her capacity to do that. My boss is the chairperson of this whole committee and he had asked me to work together with XX.

It is a complicated story--just know that in the end, I was left feeling upset simply because I had imagined she had doubted my ability. However, after talking (or rather, ranting) to R, I realized she did it for strategic reasons. That other person probably was trying to win my boss' favour.

Will she succeed? I don't know. And I don't really care.

All that matters to me is, if in the end my request to work independently succeeds, then she better pray that my report is substandard to her staff's.

She better pray for that, because I don't want to get the last laugh.

...

And yes, life has been a little tough. Well, not that I am complaining.

Just a couple of week or so ago, a very dear friend L had spoken to me in all honesty and earnestness.

She asked me if I had ever considered thinking about my career seriously and if I were really prepared to settle down.

To really settle down requires a lot of things, I was told.

I remember feeling very upset--and trying very hard not to show it--at the end of the conversation. I wasn't upset at her; I was upset that no matter what I did, I was open to miscomprehension.

My friend had thought I was a little too happy-go-lucky (for lack of a better word) towards the development of a career and she had wanted to remind me to take a more composed attitude. She was speaking from experience, having changed jobs twice and getting into the third one at entry-level and hence, commanding a sizable sum less than her counterparts.

It wasn't like I didn't realize my predicament. I mean, I am totally aware of it.

But is there anything I can do?

Is there anything I can do when the job that I like right now is a contract position, which is based on a renewal term of 1.5 years?

Is there anything I can do when I like research but fail to reach the calibre required of Research Officers in governmental agencies?

Is there anything I can do when I am born stupid, am brought up speaking Mandarin, got a C5 for General Paper and a Second Lower for Honours?

Maybe there is--please let me know!

The truth is, I have been trying very hard.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I have a full-time job now. Else, I would have been still doing part-time work as before. I like that carefree kind of life.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I hadn't gone ahead to do the million and one things I badly want to do. I want to save up for my parents.

It is because I am trying so hard that I sometimes get so disappointed with myself and I just tear and cry. I too don't want to be direction-less, but my search has proven to be longer than others.

And yes, I do wish that I know what I am searching for, but the truth is, I don't!

And I am not saying these to gain your sympathy. Nobody deserves anyone's sympathy.

I am just saying this because I hope you can look at me from where I have come--the fact that I have grown--and not where I am.

Because I am never probably going to be nowhere near where you think I should be.

A reason behind the season

It is very hard to dissect the emotions.

While I would have hoped to be there to share in her happiness on that very special day, I am also kind of glad I wasn't invited. I would imagine that it would have been rather awkward. Time would have been difficult to pass. I would have felt lonely.

And yes, that is not what church weddings are supposed to be about.

...

When I met her in Feb this year at another friend's wedding, she had claimed that all those who were present then would be invited to her wedding.

Oh well. I had taken her word for it, and had been anticipating it, with a fretful heart and intense worry.

Fretful heart and intense worry, because I was sure I was going to feel awkward again. Maybe it was my imagination, but the truth stays, untarnished in our memories.

We were very good friends in JC. The four, five of us. But we 'broke up' after that.

We broke up because of my childishness and foolishness. We never patched up.

The last time I met them was a year after we graduate from JC, in a pizza restaurant in the basement of Forum. I remember it had felt awkward. I remember we were friendly strangers.
I, with the four of them.

We never saw each other again after that.

Occasionally I would see Y since we were from the same student group. We won't talk much.

Once in a blue moon, I would chance into N but there aren't really that many blue moons.

Come to think of it, maybe I won't get to see them ever again in this lifetime...except for Y who I probably have to invite to my wedding.

...

It was an unnecessary worry period for me, on my part.

You see, I had taken her word for it, that I would have been invited to her reception and had been worrid because I had not really thought of inviting her to my reception.

So really, I am glad she striked me out of her list.

I would have been happy for her anyhow. We were good friends and we are still, loosely, friends. And I am sure that status will stay for a lifetime.

The fact is, for a while I had been really upset about losing them.

And yes, while I still am, I look forward to the closer friendships I had fostered in exchange, how I had changed because of that misunderstanding.

So really, all things in life happen for a reason.

Some people are really only in your life for a season.