Better everyday

It is just a few more days to Chinese New Year and I haven't really packed my stuff yet.

I don't quite understand myself, to be frank.

When I was in the US, I didn't have problems keeping tidy. My room was always in perfect order. Now...it is quite the opposite.

I wonder why.

Maybe I just don't see the need to be so vigilant and tidy up all the time.

There are no good examples to set. I just want to be carefree about it.

...

I am wondering if I really want to continue studying.

You see. I don't quite like my field.

Yes, I know. I never like what I do. Never.

I always think greener pastures are where I am not.

Yes, I know.

But there really are things that excite me. There really are things that can make my eyes sparkle.

Although being more aware of my escapist inclinations now, I want to make sure I am not just being hopeful about my have-nots.

...

N contemplated sharing her religion with me.

Her mum has always been sharing, and she keeps telling me what a big loss it is that I haven't gained enlightenment yet.

To be frank, that is a little unsettling.

It is getting quite uncomfortable. But I can bear with it still, I think.

It is just that I don't quite know how to decline without being rude.

...

People will tell me many things about my faith.

But...So what if believing in God doesn't bring me riches and wealth? Or a high-paying job?

That wasn't what brought me to God in the first place.

I don't think a religion is only about making big money and fulfilling great ambitions.

Or getting things your way all the time.

A religion is about making you a better person.

And really, I think I am getting better. Or so I decreed to live.

Everyday.

One of me.

Coming to my second week.

It is Friday. Lunchtime.

I think I will try to blog every week. Just so that I get to reflect? Just so that I air my frustrations, if any.

...

Nothing much really. Except that this week, I am a little more stressed up because I am having a test tomorrow.

I haven't studied much. I hope I can get at least a 60 (that is the minimum I must get).

I haven't been too glad. I think it is because I expect too much.

I wrote to N, who is in Takoma right now. Well, I told her I hope things get better, else, I may just start running away again.

Again, yes.

I think that is what I do best?

I think I like to do that because my legs are pretty long.

Ha.

Z wrote to me. She is in Japan now.

When I read her email, I wonder why I get the impression she is very happy with her job.

As much as I am happy for her, I wonder why I am not happy.

Maybe I expect too much?

I had hoped for this to be a learning process. Hhmm maybe I am learning; I am just not learning the way I want myself to be.

I don't quite know why.

Maybe I start to feel that I do need to climb higher to foster this sense of supremacy?

I don't know.

Maybe I am not humble enough; I think too highly of myself?

I really am wondering.

...

I wonder because like what Z wrote in her email "everything is so daunting"...Maybe I am looking for that feeling of being daunted.

As I am writing now, I feel that I have stayed too long in education. And I am feeling jaded.

Yes, jaded.

And what an irony that I am doing Education Research.

Life is always an irony, isn't it?

...

And the most ironic thing is,

even when I have walked away from a Ph.D years back, I am thinking of going back to school.

Why?

I can't answer yet, which is why I haven't started really looking.

There are many thoughts in my head. Many competing ambitions.

But alas. There is only one of me, one of my life, one of the present moment.

Simple joys of life

It is my third day at work. Or is it fourth? Um, I can't really recall.

But it has been good.

Um, although yes, skeptics like myself would be quick to dismiss that this is a sign that I will enjoy it.

I truly believe so--that I shouldn't be quick to say I will definitely enjoy it or what.

The 'truth' will be revealed only with time.

...

I went for my first Modern Dance class last night.

Strictly speaking, it is NOT my first class in this genre. It is just 'first' based on my level of concentration.

I have been to previous Modern dance classes but I only remember rolling on the floor and more rolling on the floor, stretching the hamstrings and pulling yourself long...

Well, and I remember that I hadn't put much effort into it. I couldn't comprehend the steps. The exercises didn't make sense.

But I liked the class last night.

No, it wasn't like I had no problems. I just decided that to think less of it and just do it!!!

...

I like my life so far.

Not very exciting. Not very promising.

But it is simple. Filled with simple joys.

I take Japanese class. My teacher is very funny. I plan to take the exam at the end of the year.

I study Spanish on my own. I have taken my evaluations and I am due to be back for class. It is just a matter of timing.

I do modern dance on Tuesdays. It is a completely new activity.

I plan to do dance also on Mondays. My buddy says she is keen. We'll see.

I go for RCIA on Wednesdays. That is tonight.

I do yoga on other weekday nights and weekends. I want to start swimming.

R promised me we will learn Argentina Tango together. I think we can start learning next month.

I have time to meet my friends, date and do volunteer work.

I like my work so far. It is a lot of writing and reading and squirming of eyes and aching of shoulders but it is still ok so far.

I don't have enough sleep but I spend my time travelling on the bus stealing some winks.

Life is good. And I am grateful.

Although I realize...

exploring the world is probably more important to me right now than anything else.

And I will do that.

Somehow. Eventually.

Let this year be...

"We all need to be noticed". I think Chuck said this in For One More Day, I am not sure. But I do agree.

...

I don't usually hang out with crowds of people. I don't because it doesn't appeal to me.

I crave for intimate small talk where people can tell me about their lives and their emotions, rather than one big group boisterously chatting and discussing the latest fads and trends.

I am a people-people when I am close to most of those hanging around. When it is a big big crowd, I start to feel awkward.

Or maybe, I have always a phobia for people. All these years? I don't know.

...

I am sincerely grateful to C for allowing me to the countdown last night. Although yes really, I do feel very out of the group.

Which made me wonder time and again, from before accepting the invite to when I was there, if I should be there.

I enjoy their company, but does anyone enjoy my company?

As I have learnt, human relations are stuff of heavy maintenance.

For me, it is especially hard because I think too much.

I can't create conversations when I don't even feel that I am in the circle.

Ha, maybe I am too obsessive with vibes.

Yes, yes, I may be sensitive. Maybe even overly sensitive. I acknowledge that.

But that aside, maybe then there really is some truth to it.

...

For a few moments last night, I kind of wished I hadn't chosen my 2008 to end in that way.

No no. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. I do.

They have been so much of my life that I contemplated them being my sisters for my wedding.

But last night, on the last night of 2008, I realized something:

Relationships are a two-way process. I may like someone very much but if that extent of likeness is not reciprocated, then it will only run into a dead end.

....

No no, I don't have many friends.

That is true, really.

Maybe I am too choosy. Maybe I am too selective. Maybe I am too rotten. Maybe, maybe I am just meant to be lonely?

Do I hate that fact?

Yes, of course.

But I can't help it.

I have been trying to mix in, but I haven't been successful.

The way I have learnt: Friendships are fostered over time, over toil, hardship and sweat.

So I guess it is only right that I feel left out since I didn't participate in all four of them.

...

I guess I meant to say, I cherish the times we spent togther.

That they were there to comfort me when I cried, to hold me when I fell.

To laugh with me when I laughed, to teach me when I am stuck.

All that I appreciate. From the bottom of my heart.

And I feel sad that I am amidst the shadows in their hearts' boundaries.

That I will only always be amidst the shadows.

...

It has always been like this since young, and while it is upsetting, I have gotten used to it somehow.

I am a figure of the shadow and that way I shall stay.

There is nothing to lament about; it just needs acknowledgement and contentment.

....

2009: Let this be a year of acknowledgement, discernment and contentment.

All the best for the new year!

The last blog entry before the new year!

*screams*

I have many things to write about, yet I am not sure what I should write about. Well...

...

I was looking through my stuff when I came across old letters and cards which dated back to 2004.

Gee. What was I doing then?

I had probably just finished my Honours year, applied to do Masters.

2004. I don't know. Feels like a long time ago. Was I like how I am now?

I don't know. I feel that that part of my memory is blocked. How and why, I can't explain. But I just can't seem to be able to access it.

I saw the letter from my friend. So we did write to each other for a while? Why can't I recall that?

What happened thereafter? Was it I who broke the correspondence?

Then, I should feel ashamed.

...

I am feeling terribly afraid.

You see. I look forward to my new job, but at the same time, I am afraid.

Morrie says that is a tension of opposites.

I think so too!

A tension of opposites. Looking forward yet dreadful. Hhmmm...just like how I love dance and hate it. How I love R and hate him sometimes?

Ha...I don't know.

I am heading for a countdown party tonight. And I am quite anxious about it too.

Anxious because it has been a long time since I went to one and I am not quite sure if the company will turn out ok.

Well...I worry too much I think.

Time to start worrying less and doing more!

Thanks for the great friendship in the past year!

All the best to you for 2009!!!

Lesson of the year

I usually take quite a long time to read a book but in two days, I have finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Even R was surprised. When I returned the book to him (it belongs to his sister), he went "So fast?"

Yeah. I guess that meant it is a good book.

Because it is.

...

You must be quite familiar with the contents even though you may not have read it yourself. It is a New York Bestseller so I would assume everyone kind of know what happens in the story.

Yes, it is a story. But it is a true story, I think.

For about fourteen Tuesdays (I think), the author visits his ex-Professor as the latter rests at home due to ALS.

It is their final thesis together, the Professor would say.

The Professor was dying but he decided to make the awaiting of death his final project.

He decided not to wallow in self-pity but instead dedicate his time to more meaningful things.

I am glad he did.

...

The Professor talked about many things, all of which are meaningful.

The fact is, I like it so much that it really doesn't matter even if it is fiction made-up. I willingly buy the story. Fully. Whole-heartedly.

I like how the Professor (and also the author) handle the many issues. From money to the value of life to the essence of love.

You see, we all know these things. We all do.

We all know there is no value chasing after material things. We only end up chasing for more.

But we still crave for it.

We all know we should forgive one another for past hurts and grievances. We only end up with more hatred.

But we still harbour all those evil sentiments.

We all know that we need one another. Humans are a society that need to work with, live with and love one another.

But we end up building little walls surrounding us.

Don't ask me why. I don't have the answers.

But I do know: When death stares at us in the face, all the truth will be revealed.

That is why I say, we all know the truth. We just pretend it doesn't exist because, because we think of ourselves as immortal.

But...we are not.

...

I am just returned from a morning hanging around old folks.

First, R and I visited Ah Kook in the Home. She is our friend.

I can't say I can relate to her very well. I try.

Before, I used to be terribly afraid of old people. After interacting with her, I am not so afraid.

Then, a few of us went to the Gift of Love Home in Thomson Road.

We didn't do much, unfortunately, but we gave them a small token for Christmas.

I am actually quite tired now, but I am happy about how my day has been spent so far.

In a moment, I am leaving the house for Mass. It is the Feast Day of my Church.

I am listening to 'The Priests' Album now. It leaves me inspired and serene.

It is a good day. And for a while. my days have all been very good.

I am glad.

...

I have been feeling inspired these few days.

Maybe it has something to do with Tuesdays with Morrie. All those lessons.

Maybe it is the trip to Ipoh. The blessing of good weather and nice people.

I know for sure, God's grace has something to do with it.

For that, I am glad. Very glad.

Sometimes, when I hear of people complaining about the Catholic Church and its many rules and how they are suffocating and I cannot understand, I am very glad.

I would rather not understand them than have feel that myself.

I am very settled in my faith so far and I am really happy.

...

It is a long rambling entry.

Sorry!

But...as 2008 ends and 2009 approaches, maybe it is time you also take an introspective view of your life.

Has the year been very good?

Or has it been bad?

Have you been happy? Doing meaningful things?

Or have you been chasing one shadow after another.

This past year, I have learnt and appreciated the lesson of mortality somewhat.

I hope you will find your lesson too.

Merry Christmas!

It is Christmas Day!

Christmas! Yay Yay Yay!!!

But it doesn't really feel like Christmas. Does it, on your side wherever you are?

...

I just returned from a short trip to Ipoh. I had visited the town with R and his family to visit his relatives.

It was a great trip, in that we had locals to guide us to the nice places and the best foods.

But I must admit, it can be a little difficult to be out with elders (I mean it as a general term).

I don't know if I will want to go on future trips together *keep fingers closed* so don't ask me that. Although yes, there may already be one possibility of a trip together again next year. Guess I will think about it when the time comes.

I must confess that R's relatives are indeed hospitable, and I am really thankful for that.

The fact is, they could have treated me slightly aloof (since I am not their relative; only R is) but they didn't. They treated me like family (Ha, I always joke with R in that maybe they thought I was his sister).

I am also thankful for good weather.

You see, December used to be associated with monsoon and landslides and Cameroon Highlands are a big no-no during this time of the year.

But when I was there, the weather was fantastic!! And I am glad.

So despite the few not-so-pleasant conflicts (Since when are conflicts ever pleasant) I am still very very happy!

...

2008 is coming to an end.

I am not sure if this has been a good year or a not-so-good one. You see, that verdict really depends on the parameters.

When I was in the earlier job, in the initial phases, I thought time seemed especially slow to pass. One day practically stretched forever. And it seemed to never end. Not to mention then, one month.

As I neared completion of my Chinese class modules, time seemed to pass quicker.

But it was essentially still in the same domain, isn't it? Time, as it was, will be as it is now, shall be as it will be.

I don't know then why it seemed to pass faster at some points in time and slower at others. Except that the difference was that I was more aimless initially, but I gradually gained ground.

So am I still aimless now?

...I can't answer that!

I am slightly more aware of where I am heading but I am still quite clueless. All I can say is, I want to work towards cognitive psychology or linguistics.

I may end up becoming a teacher. I may not.

I may end up with my ultimate calling. I may not.

I may continue to be aimless. I may not.

All I know is, I don't have the answers, but one day, I shall have them.

...

So what are the hits and misses of 2008?

Let's see:

I finished my Diploma finally (Wait, I should say I kind of finished, because I haven't got my results of my last module).

I took up Japanese (although yes, I am technically the worst student in class but what the heck).

I visted another place (yes, it is still Malaysia but at least I shortlisted one more potential place for retirement).

I started volunteering with SeaGrass.

I learnt that some people are in your life to reveal meaning in other people and certain events.

I understood that lost time is like dead people: they cannot be resurrected.

On the boo-boo part:

I hadn't had the time to exercise so I must factor that in next year.

I hadn't had the discipline to go for dance class so that is something to look at.

I hadn't been able to explore new hobbies with R so next year will be a good time to do that.

I hadn't had the opportunity to visit somewhere far for a long time so I will keep this in perspective.

On this new year (technically, since I am a Catholic and today is the day when Christ is born), as much as I hope to tackle the boo-boos of 2008, I also hope that I will be stronger and more resilient towards any failed accomplishments.

More importantly, I hope that I can really follow my heart truthfully and earnestly, in all that I do.

God bless.

Merry Christmas!