No elation. Just fuzzy thoughts.

I don't understand why people kept asking if I felt elated.

When questioned on why I should feel elated, the response would be "Cos you are clearing your things/leaving"...

So?

So? Is that the reason to be elated?

Is that a reason to be elated?

...

Tomorrow is officially my last day. But since I am clearing my leave, so yesterday was unofficially my last day.

How do I feel?

No no, certainly not elation.

I think elation is a strong word, mind you. I don't remember ever feeling elated.

Maybe a sense of relief.

Yes, that is it.

Yes, it is that simple!

...

R and I went to the last Swing Fling of the year last night.

On the way there, I can't help wondering why I am not elated.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe...it is because I have been preparing for this day.

Somehow. Psychologically.

So when it really happens, the whole effect is mused.

There are no extreme sentiments. It is all just another day.

Or maybe, it is because, really, I don't hate the place.

In fact, there is nothing to hate at all.

Yes, my colleagues and I are in a different world and I have got nobody to share my piece.

Yes, the students can so demanding that I feel like pulling all their hair out.

Yes, the management does suck a bit in fairness.

But then, hey! Are these not part of any job?

The weird thing is, everyone keeps thinking that I must be happier in my new job. Even when I haven't even started!

Why would they know even before I do?

...

I am going to Ipoh for a few days.

As I think about it, I kind of feel it is quite silly. Had I realized I had fourteen days, I would have planned a trip to Sri Lanka! Or even New Zealand!

Oh well, never mind. Some things, it is hard to forecast.

...

It has been a real hard week to pass so I am kind of glad today is Friday.

Although yes, there are turmoils tumbling waiting to be settled.

I am tired. In some ways. And yes, I do look forward to a break.

And perhaps, I really shouldn't dwell on the things that look seemingly impossible to solve.

I want to think about next year.

I want to have a better next year.

I am worried about the job scope, but I am sure I will survive.

I am worried I may get fatter due to a lack of exercise, but I am sure something will work out.

I am worried that next year may turn out to be more sucky...but I am sure God will lead me through.

I am worried about many things,

but I am sure God will lead me there.

Great expectations. An act of pretence.

Yesterday was one of the more 'eventful' and unpleasant days that I can remember.

Eventful, because the day was packed packed packed (as Boon would say eventful although it just means a tight schedule). And I was almost rushing from place to place.

(Yes, I am trying to look at ALL things from a positive perspective.)

After Mass it was grocery shopping. Then it was lunch before I head out to meet friends. Before I go to Bugis to change my stuff. Before I go for my company dinner.

So yes, eventful it is.

And eventful my spirits were too.

...

I met up with my council friends in the afternoon. Only 5 of us turned up.

I was disappointed at the turnout. Is it me? Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I still think it was a good meeting (sometimes, meetings can be bad). It was quite awkward at times because 1) we didn't know what to say 2) we don't have anything to say, probably because we have been too out of sync with one another.

And I realise, really, that is how life works. Time moves on and sometimes, we really don't know that person we used to know anymore.

...

Then I went for my company dinner.

I was having full expectations of it initially. But I was disappointed.

Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have expectations of it in the first place. Then, yes, maybe I won't be disappointed.

You see, when I was contemplating whether I should attend (and yesterday, since I was running a bad nose, it was whether to turn up in the end), I was persuaded to.

On hindsight, I wish I hadn't turned up.

And no, I do not intend to say bad things about the dinner. The sashimi was great! The fish was fresh. The layout was nice. The service was excellent.

I just felt...

Yeah, it just didn't feel naturally good.

Frankly, I did wonder if I could stay in contact with them after I leave. After last night, I think I kind of know the answer.

Certain feelings do not need to be explicitly spelt out.

Certain nuances do not need to be explained.

...

This is the Advent week for Joy. So nope, I shan't ponder over why I was disappointed.

Maybe, that is just the way life is meant to be. With expectations, disappointment may ensue.

So that is why, people always say,

Do not expect anything.

Do not.

And I tell myself:

Do not try so hard to pretend to be someone else.

There is no need to pretend.

Bizarre but blessed

I did something totally bizarre yesterday. So bizarre that I have no clue as to why I did it...except that I was truly hoping for transformation of the heart and I was letting God guide it all.

I messaged my ex- to say thanks.

...

Why is it bizarre?

It is beyond my own comprehension because we have not been contacting each other for so long.

How long...? ..I don't know, maybe five, six years?

If you remember, he is getting married. It is a small world; he is marrying my classmate.

Gerald shared the story of their getting-together: In a nutshell, they got together last year after a reunion set-up unintentionally planned by Gerald and Jeremy.

You know, the way Fate ties people up is bizarre.

...

The last I saw him was when he passed me a birthday present one year after we broke up.

I never really shared the story of our break-up and I don't intend to share it either. But all in all, we broke up because of a difference in personality.

Which is a legitimate reason to split, isn't it.

But that aside, I messaged him to say thanks...primarily because it striked me....

He was the one that got me started in the Catholic Faith.

The one who got me to where I am today.

You see, I used to be a Buddhist/Taoist. I followed my parents' faith. I didn't know much about it, except that we offer incense and fruits and flowers. And we go to temples.

I don't know much about the fundamentals of that faith. Maybe that is why I dropped out finally.

I was highly resistant against Christian friends, because I dislike how many (note, many, not all) of them succumb to the use of peer pressure to get people to attend their Church.

Anyway...

Yes, he started me on my faith journey. Somehow. And I am glad.

And when I thought deeply about it, I should really say thanks...

Simply because if it weren't for that introduction to the Catholic Church, I wouldn't have the desire for more pious partner, someone who can initiate me more in my faith.

And if not for that desire, I wouldn't have met R.

So really, the way God plans events can be quite...unbelievable.

...

We had a Lectio Divina session last night during RCIA.

I remember the priest. I think R and I attended a session at the seminary before.

Yes, that is how rooted in the faith he is. And I am glad.

After the session, we prayed for the deceased Miss Low who died in the Mumbai attack.

Really, like what the Priest mentioned...we, as individuals are all inter-connected. Somehow.

Thank God for friends.

Thank God for love.

The Approaching of Advent means

A new beginning.

Yes, the Advent Season means a new beginning. In all senses of the word.

...

I am feeling better in some ways, but not so in other ways. To a certain extent, maybe it is because I realize that there is really nothing much I can do except moving on. Yes, it is a necessary truth--moving on.

I came across Gerald's reply to my email and I am not sure why it invoked more feelings of weirdness? Maybe...maybe really, that world is too far past mine and I am already disjointed from the whole facade of JC-friendships. Somehow? Maybe? ...I don't know.

The truth is, I am trying to tackle some doubts and insecurities about my future. The past week has been exciting. I met up with the Salsa gang on Tuesday and danced a couple of songs, learnt that Bennon and Cecilia are getting married and the gang is hoping to do Rueda at their wedding.
Then on Wednesday, I visited L who is now on maternity leave. She is waiting for her baby (hopefully she would have popped by now) whom she will name Emma. How nice to visit old friends. I had missed her wedding when I was in the U.S. last year and only now had I got the chance to meet up with her and catch up. Her place is wonderful...a 4-room place in Commonwealth. As my last day approaches, my work is clearing up as I am slowly handing bits and pieces of my portfolio to my colleagues. Many people are happy for me--they feel that my new place is definitely better...but I am not sure. I really don't know...

And then next Sunday is the wedding reception of another University friend and the Sunday after that is my company's annual dinner. The Sunday after that Sunday is when I will be in Malaysia for a short trip. Something I have been looking forward to, yes.

And while I think the world is almost perfect, why do I still feel empty?

Yes. I feel empty.

Yes, it is the very same feeling people get that feeling when they read my blog or when they talk to me. Well, it is a true feeling. So, you are perfectly right.

It is like, as I tackle news of that Z will be in Japan for three years (instead of two) and N is happy in Washington, I am left wondering about what is left in my world.

...

Turns out that I am connected to the victim of the Mumbai Attack in some ways: she was a fellow parishoner.

It is weird: the world is so small yet so big.

So small that everyone is connected: my JC school mate is R's buddies; my subject is my colleague's best friend.

But then it is so big: I am no longer part of the world of friends with whom I used to be so close to.

Irony.

Yes it is.

But then Advent is a new beginning. So really, I shouldn't brood over these anymore.

Their world has long gone past mine. We have lost the time.

And that, can never be retrieved.

The wrangle

In the end, I messaged her.

I messaged her because I wasn't sure what was the best way to do it. I had wanted to send her a card (since her birthday is coming soon) but what if she thought I had meant to sabotage her birthday? Then I thought I will write her a letter...but I didn't know how I was going to get the address.

So I messaged her in the end...and then I realized, maybe, I emphasize, maybe, if she were already biased in some ways against me, then no matter what I do, it will be insincere.

It is very easy to be insincere.

I messaged her to say thanks. Thanks for all that she has done. For the notes. For her counselling. For her editing.

I wonder if she can infer that I meant to thank her for the friendship.

But the thing is, once again...there was no response. No acknowledgement.

No no, I am not looking for anything. I am not.

Maybe if time were to be rewound to 8 years ago, then yes, maybe I have reasons to be hopeful. But, but, we are talking about 10 years. 10 years can do a lot of things. A lot a lot of things.

....

I felt a little dismayed last night. So dismayed I couldn't sleep.

You see, I have been thinking after Sunday if I should say thanks. So yes, I have been thinking for 4 days at least.

Then, before I went home last night, I asked my colleague W.

And she asked "What is the point?", I realize I don't have the answer.

The truth is, she is right. Ten years can do a lot of things. "For all you know, she is no longer the same person already."

Maybe she is right. But...

I really didn't mean to have a point in saying thanks.

I didn't know how to cherish people in the past. I am learning how to...

....

I couldn't sleep last night because I was still hopeful that she may drop me an sms to say something.

Anything.

Yes, anything. But no, nothing came.

Like I told W, I remember writing to her. I remember saying many things. And I remember being ignored.

What does that mean? Do you acknowledge it, or do you not?

Am I so much a pain to you now that you choose to not acknowledge me in the end?

And the weird reality is, I can never sit across her and talk normally. I need to see her in a group because I need others as a buffer.

It always feel like a barrier separates us. As to what the barrier constitutes, I don't know!
I don't know. I really don't know.

Is it in my psyche? As in, maybe I have imagined the barrier?

I don't know.

All I know is...

after all these years, I am the only one holding her as a baggage.

I am not good with letting go. That, I know.

But it feels stupid when you thought you were still in a struggle...when in reality, you are the only one twisted with that rope.

You wrangle that rope around yourself.

... *shakes head*

I guess J was right.

We all have such friendships. Friendships which we cherish but can no longer do anything about.

So we can only move forward.

Y, I still wish you all the best.

There is nothing left for me to say. I have said all my apologies, expressed all my thanks.

I am happy that you have moved on.

Guess it is time for me too.

For a season...and a reason

Some friends are in your life for only a season.

I don't know if this is really true, but that was how I consoled myself last night.

Although I am not even sure if 'console' is the right word to use.

....

I was at Y's wedding last night. And I felt weird.

Weird because I was there, but I kind of felt I shouldn't be there.

It is not that I don't want to share in her celebration. I am just not sure how much she wanted me to be there...

The truth is, we were once best friends. But now, we don't even talk to each other.

So really, when I saw the rest of the gang at the reception table, I can't help but feel sad. Sad because I really don't remember exactly what happened. I can only speculate.

We used to be JC classmates, all four of us. (Gerald, if you are reading this, you know Y too and please note that I don't use a direct abbreviation). But for some reason, I was either dropped out of the gang, or they dropped me out...and the worst thing is, I can't remember which is the case and so I really don't know how to fix it from here.

It was a very big grand wedding reception. Many people were around, and all in all, there were about 38 tables.

Y's friends put together a video for her (and her husband) and the gang was in it, of course.

They said many wonderful things, all of which I would agree.

And never mind that I wasn't asked, I guess I can always use this space to write about my thoughts of her.

As what E said, she was a writer, a person who wrote appreciate notes to people when they were down or sad. And I remember that.

M commented that her GP was powerful, and she was my GP teacher's favourite student. And yes, she was always very halpful.

For myself, specifically, I will always hold the memories of the Graduation Ball dear. I don't know if Gerald remembers anything about the ball...(I suspect he doesn't)

I remember that I went to stay over at her place after the Ball in Shangri-La Hotel. I remember we tried to talk for a while but we ended up not very successful.

I also remember her 21st birthday celebration when she invited the whole of the DC gang with my boyfriend-then on board. I don't know if I ever told her that I appreciate the gesture very much.

...

The last time the four of us were together was at some pizza place in the Forum. I don't remember where I was rushing to, but I do remember not eating much because I was still on a restricted diet.

Whatever that happened between us after that, I really cannot remember.

I would have loved to keep in touch; I am not sure if it was because I was becoming an emotional baggage to her specifically.

As you can tell, I still struggle with issues pertaining to my mum. Then, I struggled and I often confided in her. Now I still struggle, although less.

I remember she was trying very hard to get me to get over issues pertaining to my mum. I think I just didn't learn fast enough.

....But really, I don't know if that was the reason.

Anyhow...

I am happy for her. Very happy for her.

We met in University once by chance when she and her boyfriend (her husband now) joined the Lindy Hop class I coordinated. It felt...weird.

I also remember apologizing to her about the events in the past (whatever that happened between us) but I think she just shrugged it aside.

If friendships ever had expiry dates, then maybe ours had reached its time.

...

I was seated with the DC last night and I am very glad about it. For the simple reason, I would have nothing to say at the other table.

You know...everyone has different prime stages. Stages during which they are truely themselves.

For me, I think it would be during the Primary school (wha! Yes...) and University days. And during my RCIA now too...

This phase is when you are yourself most truly...when you don't feel the need to pretend, to hide anything, when you can just be yourself.

But then again, I do appreciate the people at the many phases of my life. Because it is through them that I am myself today.

Although when I reflect about my JC company, I wonder how many have kept up with the me that is now.

Maybe only Gerald...?

I don't know, but yes, I do feel something for the lost friendship.

And I shall console myself that...

some people are meant to be in your life for a season, for whatever reasons that only God truly knows...

and maybe she is just one of them.

I wish her all the best.

Growing up and growing out.

I stared at the date of my last post and I thought it didn't feel so long ago.

Then I remembered that...it was November already. And yes, it has been a while.

....

I think the good news is, I am no longer as emo as I used to be.

Why? ...

HHmmm...maybe because I am coping better, or maybe there really are less things to get me emo.

Or maybe I am maturing, so I just grow out of it.

I wonder, do we grow out of everything?

...

My mum went back to the hospital on Thursday for her fractured toe.

Nope. It is not healing.

Please note, I didn't say 'it has not healed'; I said, 'it is not healing'.

So yes! It is not healing.

I don't know. At moments like this, I regret coming home. Which is funny, isn't it?

At a time when my mum needs me, shouldn't I be glad for being home? I should, I think...because I can be of help.

But I guess, I am just not sure if I am more of a help than a dependence.

...

Z is leaving for Japan. She will be there for two years.

I am envious, yes...and I am happy for her too.

The truth is, I have seen her dedication towards her work, and I really feel she deserves it.

I guess in contrary, I am just not too sure of where I am heading, and if I will ever come across such an opportunity.

You know--people often label me as aimless. Yes, aimless.

First, they wonder why I want to go to USA. Now, they wonder why I am in a tuition centre after having achieved a Masters.

Then they will wonder why I am not a teacher when I am in NXX.

Where am I heading, they always ask.

And I am speechless.

Because I know I can't say "Look. I am searching" or "I don't know". These answers are not acceptable.

We are all expected to have answers.

....But why?

Aren't the answers supposed to be real answers? Or are they meant to be cooked up?

...

I managed to meet up with the scholars last night. After a long time.

It didn't turn out as awkward as I would have imagined. Which was consoling.

And I am also glad that I got to sit at a place with H and C across my place. They are the people I can get along more with.

I don't know, but they didn't turn out as distant as I had imagined.

It is not that I have a wild imagination. I think to a large extent, I have been building barriers outside my heart.

I can't recall exactly, but there have been few instances that a meet-up didn't turn out as bad as I had imagined.

Maybe, maybe we do really grow out of things.

...

Just last week, when my dad was cursing and swearing about the apparent ignorance of the whole family, I was almost going to leave home.

Yes. Pack my bags and leave.

I don't think it is a matter of childishness or what; it was more like...I really don't feel that his words are justified.

In fact, when he chided me at the hospital on Thursday (for forgetting to bring the radiograph), I had shouted back.

Don't ask me why. I don't know.

I still love my dad. I am just not sure of the best way to love him.

...

If growing up is like a baby bird being fetched and finally stretching his wings, then perhaps it is time I have the courage to do the same.