Um, I don't know...how about, The Adventures of an Apple?

Discovering each day

2010-11-18T04:47:00.000-08:00

Every time I resume blogging after a long break, I wonder how many 'followers' are still following.

Well, I must confess I have gotten lazy, hence the long long long 'break'. I used to think I would never succumb to the lazy bug-I remember asking a friend why she doesn't blog anymore and she said she was lazy and I was frowning in disapproval-alas! I too have contracted the deadly disease.

Laziness aside, a lot of it has to do with the fact that I take too long to pen my thoughts.

I deliberate over my words. I want it to be precise and immaculately accurate. That process, henceforth, takes a long time.

And as you would know if you have been following my blog, for the past one year, I was really busy preparing for my wedding.

The fact I can blog now is because, my dear Mr., is away.

Whatever happens to personal space, you say?

Nah, I am really just being lazy. I could have used the night to blog, but I was lazy.

I could have written my thoughts on the way to work and transfer it to the blog whenever I have time, never mind backdated entries, but I was lazy.

But you know what, despite being lazy, I must say this year has been an eventful year.

I have...

(almost) ended my contract, changed two jobs, got married and became a Mrs, gone to Europe and visited many cities within four weeks, moved house, cut down my daily (and settling into weekly) intake of coffee, completed 200 hours of yoga teacher instruction and am in the process of being a qualified yoga teacher, started on a pole dancing class, resumed jazz dance classes, successfully baked delicious marble cakes, lemon cakes and apple cinnamon muffins, and ...

I am still enjoying my process of self-discovery.

I am still raw in my current job, so it is really hard to say if I will stay here for good. I sure hope so! Seriously, I have gotten a bit tired of searching around.

The reality about life is, there is nothing known as a perfect job. There is only something called making the best out of whatever situation there is.

Like where I am now, it is not quite where I would have hope to land up. I was hoping to do something else...

But I was led here by God. And I believe that it will turn out good.

It is the same with my Yoga Teacher's Training. I would have opted to go to Spain, but the course was available, and I decided to fulfill this one aspiration I have been harbouring for a long time.

Life, time, waits for no one.

I will continue looking out for the blessings each day brings.

And marvel at the process of self-discovery each stint brings.

Sunning out

2010-07-17T13:01:00.000-07:00

Writing from Krakow, Poland.

The weather has been very unfriendly. Just yesterday, I saw a sign that says 41 deg.

I guess that is the highest of a range. The lower limit you wonder? 35 deg.

Yes, not good at all. In fact, from what I had gathered, this has been the hottest summer the regions have seen.

So much for my vacation!

I have been walking so much under the sun that I have grown slightly (or so, I hope) tanner. My feet are especially of a darker skin tone (because I wear slippers).

Today is the second day I am in Krakow, and I have already done three walking tours. Two yesterday and one today.

So far, I kind of like Poland. The communist history has left me very much intrigued. In fact, just today, I was in a neighbourhood supposed modeled after the communist-socialist ideology.

It was a different experience. We concluded the tour by a meal in a restaurant that used to be popular with communist leaders. That wasn't the highlight though. The highlight was learning about the compromised yet not marginalised role the Church played.

In the morning, I visited the site that used to house the Nazi Concentration Camp. That was a bit too heavy. I find it difficult to imagine the immense number of people killed in the site. I also find it difficult to imagine the humiliation and pain the Poles, Jews, Gypsies and even the Soviet soldiers had to gone through.

I must say this trip has been more of an eye-opener to history than a fun and laughter trip. I was never that good with history but after this trip, I dare say I would have known twice more than I knew.

One more week and I will be going home. Sometimes I do miss home, but it is probably more of my father's food than the place per se.

And frankly, I think I will miss a few places in Europe. I really like Budapest, Olomounc and Krakow. (I don't know about Vienna-that is my next stop but one thing is for sure, my wallet won't like it.) And not to mention a few Hungarian pastries.

But I definitely won't miss one thing about the whole trip:

The sun.

All in an entry

2010-07-08T13:54:00.000-07:00

Right now, I am writing from the hostel in the Czech Republic's capital city, Prague. I must say this is one of the better ones we have been to so far. I like the room. It is spacious and comfortable (R said it is because I am claustrophic, hence big rooms appeal to me. Well, maybe.) The only bad thing is that there is no kitchen. There is a kettle though, and I am really thankful for that. For the past two hotels we were at, there was no kettle (and hence, no hot water when I needed it!) Anyhow, we were hoping for a kitchen (as most hostels would have kitchens) because we were hoping to cook sunny-side ups for breakfast! I guess hard-boiled eggs will do just fine.

In contrast, the previous hostel was the worst we have been. We were in Cesky Kumlov, a town south of Prague which is also an UNESCO site. Hostel M*** housed us in the attic and I knocked my head twice in a night because of the slanting roofs. Plus the staff wasn't especially friendly. That is not it! The worst is, the room (and the bathroom!) smelt of sewage. R said it was from the river outside. I don't know-rivers aren't supposed to stink, are they? Well, I guess we can't complain much since we only paid 9E per person, the cheapest so far. Although if you ask me, I will say this experience will make me think twice about a cheap deal-I definitely don't want to risk a concussion over some savings.

We managed to attend Mass for the past weeks that we have been here but apart from one young Hungarian priest who could muster "The body of Christ" in clear English amidst the whole jargon of Hungarian, all other Masses have not been in English. Apparently, English Masses are only for tourists, so for example in Salzburg, there are only two English Masses in the whole month. It is rather amazing though-75% of the population is Catholic in the cities that we have visited and churches can be located as closely as 50m to each other! Just imagine the bells that ring continuously one after another!

Apart for all these happenings, the weather has been weirdly unpredictable. I have always imagined that Summer is just about sunny days! Guess I was wrong. A few of our travel plans were thwarted because of the rain. For example, when we were travelling from Salzburg to Hallstatt, we were told that the railway lines connecting a few stations were closed because of some mudslides and we had to take a bus connector instead. That stalled up all the plans. When we were leaving, the railways were amazingly restored and we didn't even know! (Of course, neither of us spoke or understood German!) So we ended up missing a pre-booked vehicle and arriving at our destination four hours later.

The thing about Eastern Europe, if you ask me, is that it is really very authentic and exciting. I enjoy the thrill of gesturing and muttering bits of Hungarian and Czech (and trying to sound like one) and finding my way around the unfamiliar surroundings. But that in itself can be frustrating sometimes-I think I finally can emphatise with the Amazing Race participants who lost their cool at their teammates.

Quieter moments

2010-06-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

This entry was supposed to be completed in the morning. For me, it would definitely be easier to blog an entry in the morning. There is only one computer and it was occupied all the way from afternoon to 1130pm last night. That aside, it seems that the majority of the tourists/travellers to this place tend to like to go clubbing at night (and hence will all still be sleeping at an hour when I am already awake.

But because I was rushing to go to the marketplace, I hadn't been able to blog as usual. We set off for the marketplace and as R would say, that would always be the highlight of my trip. Interestingly, there were many vendors selling mushrooms. All kinds-if you can name it, I bet you will find it.

I am now in Pecs, a smaller town south of Budapest. It is not as busy and definitely not as populated. I can easily say for certain that half of the population on the street are tourists. If Budapest is Kuala Lumpur, then Pecs is like Ipoh.

This time round, R and I have booked a bed instead of a room. The double room here tends to be a bit more expensive and hence a dorm was a better bet. There are altogether three dorms in the hostel, an eight-bedder, a six-bedder and a four-bedder. Of course, such a difference translates into the price eventually, with the cheapest being the eight-bedded dorm.

And now at five in the evening, I am back in my hostel because we have roughly seen what there is to be seen in the town. Amidst the many sights we visited are a couple of religious monuments, which have fortunately or unfortunately, resorted to the commercial realities of the real world. Of course it would be unfair to ask for free entry to these places, but to charge for every single monument? I can't help but feel a bit, yes, cheated, especially when the entrance fee doesn't justify the things I am seeing inside.

We will be leaving for another town tomorrow, a town nearer to the sea. We will be staying in better (defined commercially in terms of prices) accomodation so I am having some expectations. The stay here has been pleasant so far-I haven't had any problems with the shower.

Well, fingers crossed.

Heading off to quieter zones

2010-06-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

I think I have more or less adjusted to the 6 hour time difference (slower here) in Europe. I am sleeping more normally, less lethargic in the afternoon and a bit more used to the pace and 'life-style' (if there is one!).

In half a day's time, R and I will be setting off to the quieter town of Pecs (we are right now in the busiest part of Hungary) and spending one and a half days there. I bet the pace will be even slower. There might be nothing much to do (not that we do much now; we merely walk. Alrite, let me rephrase), ok, walk. Well, I guess I take it more as a breather, to compensate for the two hectic days of walking we have done in Budapest.

Yesterday, we had spent the morning in the marketplace near the hostel. There was just SO MUCH selling in there! Strings of bacon. Piles of liver. Batches of vegetables (check out the eggplant, huge!). I think with that alone, I can relocate here.

Plus, the water is free. As in, Hungary has a rich underground store of water. There are fountains and taps (and yes, initially I would have thought the former served a decorative function while the latter is more of a public administrative function) all around the area. I even joked to R once that the tap was for drunkards to wash their face sober after a night. And I was right! The fact is, you can just fill up your bottles with the water and drink it (although it tasted a bit unusual). So far so good-no tummyaches.

We had a Communist Walking Tour in the afternoon, during which the guide had brought us around the more interesting communist-related sights and talked his way through. I thought this was more interesting than the first tour I had. Guess maybe I am more fascinated by the historical aspects of a country than its true geography. As I have mentioned earlier, these tours are free. From what I found out from one of them (there is one speaking guide and two accompanying guides), tour guides even like this have to take courses and pass exams before they are deemed qualified to 'show' Hungary. Each of these guides are rotated, meaning they would need to handle sights-tours, communist tours or the Jewish quarters tour. I would imagine they are a versatile group.

We ended the evening by climbing up to Buda Hill. At the top of the hill stands a lady statue known as the Statue of Liberty. Not quite the same as the American one which holds a torch in the hand, but I would imagine of a similar background. This statue was built by the Russians to celebrate the so-called liberty of the Hungarians (a big contradiction in many senses). Anyhow, the skies here don't turn dark till 9pm (because it is summer) so we wanted to capture the night city scape. It was yes, in retrospect, a night worthwhile because the city looks beautiful. The bad thing was however, the subsequent series of unfortunate events. First, I hadn't brought my windbreaker and I was freezing (we were up on a hill). Then, we kind of lost our way. That made me really terrified and worried. And the last of it all (no wonder, the Chinese like to say, bad things always happen in threes), we were caught in the rain. I chattered the whole way back (I have a fear of cabs because we were warned about them earlier).

The last sight we will visit before we set off to Pecs is the House of Terror. Sounds a bit of a guiness wanna-be place to me but it is actually more of a place of historical value documenting what happened during the world war.

Till the next stop with Internet access (whenever that may be)!

In summary, we took a long walk

2010-06-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

It is not 5am now, so yes, I slept better and I am not as snappy.

The second (or third, depending on how you see it) was rather hectic, marked by a day of walking and walking and more walking.

In the morning, we set off to look for a Catholic church so that we could attend Mass. After all, it was Sunday.

It is something that I often do while traveling.

The good thing about traveling with R (amidst other good things, of course..^ ^) is that he will also want to look for a church to attend Mass and to pray. So yes, in a sense, I don't have to worry too much about needing "time-off" to do my own things should I be traveling with another companion.

Anyhow, after a quiet 20min walk, we reached the church at 705am to learn that Mass has just started. The Masses on Sunday were all in Hungarian. The English one was already over.

So we went into the Church. I must imagine it must have seemed rather odd, two Asian faces amidst a scattered lot of Angmohs, obviously not reciting anything (because we don't know Hungarian!).

Frankly speaking, while it was not difficult to follow per se (after all, the Catholic Church is universal-all parts of the Mass are standard), it was difficult to connect. I couldn't finish reciting the Apostles' Creed because halfway, I got drowned among the mutters of the Hungarians. The only syllable that we could resonate with the rest was, obviously, Amen!

We set off for the Free Walking Tours after heading back to the hostel for breakfast. Breakfast is simple-bread, milk, coffee and tea, cereals, orange juice. The variety is not much but I guess it is sufficient.

With the Walking Tours (yes, it is free; I wouldn't have imagined such a venture taking off in Singapore because no one would bother to pay any tips but here, it is different), we explored Buda and Pest and the Castle District, all within four hours. It was a quick overview about the things to take note of, and the things to do while in Budapest.

We subsequently explored a bit of the Castle district and had a gigantic Hungarian dinner. (Please tell me if I have put on weight when I get back; I can take the truth!) I had some trouble walking back because I was still zonked out. Three-quarters of the time, I was lumbering in a slumber with my eyes half open (and my mind half-awake).

Anyhow, if you ever want to come to Budapest, do consider my current hostel. (Note the bold). No, it is not as comfortable as a hotel but it is in a good location. It is central enough for you to walk around and explore reasonably. Be prepared about taking hot showers though. Half the time, you will be frustrated and wonder if you should tell the management about the tap which seems to be faulty.

Summer blues

2010-06-26T20:43:00.000-07:00

I would have hoped to blog an entry immediately after the wedding day, but I didn't have the time.

As you would have known, I had switched jobs and the current pace is quite tedious. Ah no, dynamic is the official word. And don't ask me if I like it or not, I think that is still a bit early to say. Although the truth is, the fact that EVERY single week hurts with a "THUMP" on the floor with a reprimand from my big boss can be a bit too hard to stomach and a bit too discouraging.

But anyhow, enough of work (I shall leave that to another entry).

I am in Europe now, on the second official day of my honeymoon.

Instead of opting for chic places like California or Italy, I am now in Budapest, Hungary. A place which I confess, I don't feel quite safe about.

People stare at me and give me angry looks. The money-changer. The people on the street. The other passengers in the train. Well, maybe because I am Asian? There really aren't many Asians in the street.

We are in a relatively quiet residential area served by a reasonable supermarket which doesn't seem to sell fruits that is too fresh.

We did nothing much yesterday except transit planes and entry-exit airports, take airport buses and traverse across metro lines.

And if you are wondering why I don't seem to be writing in a too-excited tone, well, that is because it is 550am but I am already awake (not wide) because the skylight is just too intense.

Geez, yes. How I like summer.

All in a stupor amidst some self-pity

2010-05-18T01:36:00.000-07:00

It is my second day at work in the new place. I hit the gym today. Alone.

I hit the gym because I realise there was no culture of eating together. Everyone in the section is too busy. They are either out or away.

That needs to be adjusted to, amidst other things. People are nice and kind, but of course, I miss my colleagues back at the former place. It is rather different. I just hope it is because it is the initial stage so I have to maintain a composure before people start to warm up to me. I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel *that* right. I guess, it is because I am after all, in a new environment, with familiarity only to one person.

Yesterday, the moment I walked into my cubicle, I was nabbed by a colleague who told me she had work for me to do already! (And she spoke in a rather authoritative tone, which didn’t make things better.) She even added that she had clearance from my supervisor already, which was really unnecessary (my assigned buddy had told her not to scare me off on my first day of work).Anyhow, I shall confess that I really don’t have a good feeling about her at all.

I came to work in a slight stupor. A lot of things have happened lately. My mum was hospitalized (again) last Tuesday, when I was having my test-interview. I only got hold of the news at around 4pm. I canceled all plans of meeting my jie-meis and went down to the hospital. Then, she was in a worrying state. She was in a total state of confusion and she had asked us why tubes were on her nose (I think it was meant to assist her breathing). Finally, after a few days, she had more or less regained consciousness of what was happening…and that is when she started getting tyrannical. Apparently, she was not too popular with the nurses around her. Apparently, she ranted at them and called them names and imposed demands.

I wouldn’t know; I wasn’t around to see.

I really don’t know what to think of it. Should I be glad that she is well or sad that she is still so tyrannical?

Anyhow, she has since been discharged. She is resting at home now. There was no better option. We would have preferred her to stay longer in the hospital if you ask me. At least that way, we would be assured that even if she fainted, someone is around.

Ahhhh, I don’t know. Everyone just tells me to stay strong—yes, I need that.
It is really very trying and tiring. Especially when I have to also handle house chores like washing everyone’s load and hanging the clothes up plus folding them…that takes a lot of time. But above all that, I guess I should be thankful that I have always had the opportunity to do house chores. Because otherwise, I would have collapsed.

Just before she was discharged, we got into another argument over who to administer her insulin. She nonchalantly insisted for me to do it before I leave for work in the morning; I thought that was ridiculous! With her “speed of action” and timing, and our clash in temperaments, it is highly unlikely I will ever get to work on time. I really cannot understand her. Rather, I don’t see why I should be putting up with her nonsense. But anyhow, R had his means and managed to convince my brother to help administer the insulin to her.

At that point in time, I can’t help but agree with N that R really made up my inadequacies. The fact is, had it not been for his interference, I would have had to stay the whole day in the hospital and be impatiently and grudgingly administering insulin every morning, waking up possibly much earlier than what I would have anticipated.

It is always easier to wallow in self-pity and cry the hearts out.

But I think it makes more sense to grow stronger with each ordeal and make sure that self-pity doesn’t get the better of us.

As I am writing, I can’t help but exclaim how much I miss my former colleagues.

And instinctively I can already tell you, I won’t be able to make many close friends here.

I hope I am wrong.

Each day a blessing

2010-05-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

When she smiled, I can't help but notice she actually did have a nice smile.

I just don't know why she was so stingy with it. Was it because she was afraid it would be exploited, or was it because she was never genuinely ever happy?

...

It has been very trying for the past few days.

Last Wednesday, my mum decided to check herself into the hospital. She hadn't felt very well.

With some effort, she mustered her way to the A & E department, was warded within half a day and was there for three days. I had visited her on Wednesday night.

We were still behaving with the same aloofness towards each other. It was difficult for me to be nice when I know she didn't and wouldn't reciprocate. Once, she had swore at me for not massaging her legs (and I had wondered why she couldn't 1) ask in a nicer manner 2) done it herself). Another time, she was angry at my sarcastic comment to invite the whole world upon her remark to invite the physiotherapist whom she has seen three times. (She insisted that the physiotherapist seemed really keen to come to my wedding.)

Now, at this point in time, she seems to have a failing memory and a frail frame.

As apparent from her struggles to remember if she had taken her diabetic medication.

She had fallen down three times at home. She needs help to walk even a metre and I had bought her a frame just so that at least a support is available for her to hold on to when no one is at home.

But she is even not managing well with the basics of feeding and all. She can't always see the food. She has an acquired taste and rejects a number of stuff.

She has trouble seeing and hearing. That makes it all the more difficult for us to communicate to her, and for her to tell us. More often than not, she responds with an angry grunt about how we are not doing things right.

...

On Saturday, R and I visited L who has a one-year-plus toddler.

It was a visit long overdue because I had in fact planned to visit her after the baby was born (the last time I met her was when the baby was still in the tummy!) but I was rather busy. And can you imagine it--that was like eighteen months back.

Time really flies.

But somehow, the visit kind of made me a little sentimental. Not the visit per se, but maybe the reflections generated with the visit.

The fact is, I am very fearful of turning into my mother. As I would often confide in my colleague P, I am worried that when I am old, I have no friends like my mother.

You see, I never really know what kind of a person my mother was to her friends. I never saw a lot of her friends. She often kept to herself. She beseeched me--when I was growing up--never to trust people. I suppose then, she probably never trusted anyone.

So at this point in time, when I have to find help to assist us to tide over this crisis, I do not have many people to turn to.

Truth be told, the power of friends as a support network really cannot be underestimated.

Which is why, I had msn-ed L and said I cherish our friendship.

I had in fact wanted to text all my dear friends to tell them that: to let them know I really appreciate them for being in my life, and that I hope we stay as friends in years to come.

...

Now, I am at a loss. I really don't quite know what to do.

My mother's younger sister had come in yesterday and is coming in today. But we can't ask her to come forever. This is not a permanent solution.

But, I really don't have a better option now.

I guess I can really live one day at a time. That, in itself is enough a blessing.

Teary goodbyes

2010-05-07T00:35:00.000-07:00

Very soon, I will be leaving my current workplace to begin a new adventure (or so I would hope to believe) in another environment.

News have been spreading rather quickly, thanks to the invention known as the 'staff portal'. And it is not that I mind; it is just that half the time, I can't really fathom the true intentions of people who come to probe about my plans.

"You leaving, I heard?" "Where are you going-can I kpo?"

Well, while I wouldn't be quick to snap a loud "CANNOT!" (yes, with that exclamation mark), I don't usually bother telling the truth.

I will say I am taking a break. And use the break to decide what I shall do next.

Put it this way: If I want you to know where I am going, I would have told you that I was leaving.

Which means yes, you wouldn't have to learn through the portal that I was leaving.

Makes sense?

...

It is a pity that my last few days here weren't a breeze. I was bullied, and made a bully despite so.

Initially, I had been tasked with some simple admin duty for a project, but for some unknown reasons, I was roped in to do some report.

In the end, I was chasing people for information accuracy and sources and writing irritated emails. At the very end, I compiled the report, proofread it, edited it and even gave recommendations as the team's representative!

Clearly, I was being exploited, with my immediate supervisor not even aware of the situation. So, when I went in to check with him, and was taken off the project, someone else apparently tried to manipulate the news of my leaving with this into a different tale.

I don't exactly know all the details of the tale; all I know was, there was a big bully and a small bully. The small bully bully cried, and fingers came to me.

I became the bully.

Wow, you said.

My sentiments, exactly,

...

You know, it really doesn't feel that long ago when I stepped into this place and began my first day.

Although frankly, I don't actually remember much of that first day, but life has been great. I like the easy-going life. I like my independence.

I like my free time. I like the carefree-ness. And I love the people.

And so I can say, very quickly, it has been almost one and a half years.

I know I will definitely miss the people here. After all, else, I wouldn't have to think so hard about whether I should leave. I really could have stayed here forever, till retirement, as much as the opportunities allow.

I know for sure I will miss P, who is more like my mother than my mother. I tell her everything, from my wedding preparation details to my fears to my quarrels with people.

I will also miss L, my so-called "twin" (the colleagues call us that because we hang around all the time). She may be much older but I can connect with her in many ways, and it is a relationship that I truly cherish.

I will miss M, my exercise kaki who is very sporty and bubbly, kind of my temperament.

It has been one of the hardest good-byes to say.

And I just hope there will be no teary good-byes on the day I packed my bag and go away.

Shucks-the thought of it makes me sad already.

But life is to be led forward

2010-03-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

Today I started the day with a low mood.

What is a low mood?

It is not that I am in a bad mood. I am just feeling a little down, that is all.

...

With the contract likely to end in a while, I am in an active search for jobs.

I have been actively searching since February.

I wouldn't say that it has been fruitful. And I am not sure where to point the finger to.

Do I point it to just after University, when I was deciding on a course selection? Then, shouldn't I have just pressed harder with my wild thoughts intentions (whatever they were) and made sure that I stuck to it?

Or maybe I should have just compromised my ideals?

Wouldn't I have done a different thing, made a different choice, and emerged differently?

Or was I too confused? Too spolit for choice? Too protected? Too self-egoistic?

Do I point it to the point after my first year when I could have just taken the less-than-desired scholarship to go to Australia? Wouldn't I have become a professional?

Do I point it to when I was in University? To the four years when I should have persevered harder and made sure I got a better grade?

Well, life would have been *extremely* different, wouldn't it?

Do I point it to when I decided to give up on science? I would have become a Dr. had I just converted to that.

But I don't know why I say all these. Why do I even bother thinking about it?

...

Like I say, I am feeling a little blue this morning.

The fact is, I did have an offer from a prospective agency. The offer is not excellent but it is nonetheless an offer. The sad thing is, I was advised to foresake my honeymoon plans for the job.

"Since plans are not firmed up yet, why not go another time?"

But why should I do that?

I mean, yes, it is kind advice definitely. For a greenhorn like me who does not have a career mould at all, I should be concerned about building one up.

At all costs?

But at this juncture, I ask myself if I should bother.

It is not like this offer is my dream job. I think I will be enticed by it. I think I will enjoy the challenges. I think I will like the learning experience.

But I wonder if my values fit in with the system-the societal system-at large.

Have you ever wondered: Are there so many "other time"s in our life?

I have learnt one thing for sure: for things I feel certain about, I shouldn't let anything dissuade me.

Anything.

Because at the end of the day, they don't live with the decision I made. I do.

...

Just yesterday, I had gone for a test for another job. I emerged from the room downcast and disappointed.

I didn't think I do a good job. I don't think I will make it.

And this morning, I had received two rejection emails regarding my application for another two posts.

Yes, of course that added to my mood.

As I am writing down, I am wondering if I am competent in anything at all.

And of course, I am still dreaming about how life would have been different had I done a different thing during when and when and when.

But I know that life can only be led forward.

And as of now, that job is in the midst of negotiation. I do know where I stand. I am very clear about it, even though I feel that yes, it is a bit of a pity if I should let it go just because there is a lapse in expectation-plan.

Maybe I should console myself with that this is not God's plan.

Or so I hope.

A Saturday's worth

2010-01-14T01:10:00.000-08:00

I need to come in on Sat.

What is the big deal, you say?

Why am I so petty, you ask?

Yea, I am petty.

No, there is no big deal.

The point is, there is nothing wrong in itself--working on Sat. My previous work place required me to work on Saturdays too.

I am pissed because 1) it is not because I can't finish my work that I am coming in; 2) I am doing work which I find is demeaning.

Yes, perspectives change.

Perspectives change because of experience.

And yes I am sure, we may all be in one demeaning position or another. At one point in time.

The difference why we stick to it or we don't?

...Its worth.

But I guess, for me, at this juncture, amidst promises of better remuneration and whatever benefits but no career progression, I must be thankful for this exchange.

I have been praying for signs--should I go or do I stay?

I have made good friends here. And I must confess I will miss them fondly.

But...if you ask me,

coupled with the infringement of intellectual rights with no recognition,

having to slave my brain juices for something not worthwhile in my perspective,

and having to come back on Sat (this would have been a pull factor to stay, but now that it is infringed, where else is there?),

I think my mind is more or less made up.

You know. It is really not about whether I come back on Sat and then giving me a make-up on another weekday.

The fact is, a weekday and Sat, are they really comparable?

...

In your dreams, maybe.

48 weeks for 52

2009-12-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

I would have preferred not to blog about it, but I think I should, because it helps me feel less yucky.

Or maybe it wouldn't really help. I don't know.

...

I just found out that I am not entitled to the 13th month bonus.

Yes, it is not a big deal, I know, I know. I am just kicking a big fuss. Yes, I know I know.

I guess maybe I was thinking in the logical sense. If one year has 52 weeks, then I should legitimately get the 13th month 'bonus', which is really not a bonus.

But no la. The world doesn't always run on logic, as we would all have realized.

As I would think that I have worked as hard as others, sloughed as much, if not contributed my insights, I am not quite at peace with the kind of deal I am getting.

I cannot complain of course; I signed the contract willingly, not fully understanding the clauses and being aware of what is being spelt out.

...

So I thought I should write about it to consider the good side of the issue.

Because life is so se-nang, I can afford the time to plan for my wedding.

Because life is so se-nang, everyone is so nice...and I have had the opportunity to make some good friends.

Because life is so se-nang, I can go home immediately after work and pursue my own activities.

Because life is so se-nang, I can go for time off to play sports with other colleagues.

All that...all that, for a month of pay. No doubt it is a rather hefty amount.

A test

2009-12-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

Back in the office for the third day. One and a half more day of work and two more (kind of) days to Christmas.

How has it been?

Eh, ok. Am a little stressed up because I need to rush out a chapter (for a book. Eh no, not for myself) and that we are meeting the publishers on Mon. Other than that, so far so good.

...

Do I miss anything about China?

Well...not really. I guess if there were anything I miss, it would be the very relaxed kind of lifestyle. When days seem to float slowly by. When I can sleep at midnight (not because I want to) and wake up at 730am fully recharged. When I can eat pretty much and still lose weight (guess its too cold).

Other than that, nothing really. Although maybe, if I have had to be there longer, I would have tried to make life more comfortable by bringing 'homely' things with me. But since I was only going to be there for a month, I didn't see the need to.

On the whole, I think the trip has made me more bearing and more humble.

I used to think that I can be rather impatient and snappy (attested by my behaviour towards my mum). But I was proven wrong.

My roommate, who is a lady is her 50s, tends to like to call me 'stupid' and 'silly'. Well, and yes, I do sometimes do stupid and silly things...probably unintentionally but nonetheless, it is still irritating.

And of course, don't expect a lady who has lived half a life to tolerate such behaviour.

So, while I dislike being called stupid (and what-have-you), I usually will retaliate with a "Ya lo. I am so stupid lo." I mean, the point is, I never thought of myself as being too clever to begin with.

I don't know what she really thought of me by the end of the trip but when we parted, she commended that I have been very good. Because for the many times she had chided me off, I had never once retorted.

Oh well...

sometimes we really never know who we are and what we are capable of until we are put to the test.

As I nurse my cold

2009-11-19T18:48:00.000-08:00

Right now I am typing at work, but I will be leaving after lunch.

Not because I am on leave though, but because I am sick. I just returned from the doctor who diagnosed it as cold and dismissed my earlier flu jab to have anything to do with it.

Frankly, it is getting rather disconcerting. My joint aches are killing me (the doctor says joint aches are not necessarily due to flu viruses; a cold virus can have the same effect). I am perspiring profusely but I am feeling cold. My nose is stuffed and my head hurts like crazy.

And it is all very disconcerting because I am leaving for China on Sunday. And, I will be there for a month.

...

I don't usually succumb to the cold virus so I am unusually curious about this bout.

All I can think of is Wed, when I had attended class without my sweatshirt in my so-proclaimed chilly room, which is a rare event because I usually will bring the swetshirt out wherever I go.

Maybe I was trying to train myself to be strong; to be able to battle the cold.

Oh well.

...

I kind of toyed with the idea of not flying off to China should I not get better by tomorrow.

But I really want to go! Despite the fact that my mum thinks poorly of the activity and the university...I really want to go.

I guess to a certain activity, I need a break from work.

For the past week when my boss has not been around, I have been volunteered to do work that is not within my scope. Not that that is not possible--my boss has already asked me to do a lot of things beyond the stated scope--it irritates me because of the way I have been asked to do it.

Anyhow, not that it bothers me...I see it as a means to extend my repetoire of writing styles.

And even as I am disgruntled about the abuse of authority, I do understand that this is part and package of worklife. Some day, some giant will just decide to exploit you for his own benefits.

Can you do anything about it?

Nothing, I reckon.

But you can do something with it.

...Train yourself up.

And maybe the first time I will end up like today, sick because the training was too harsh...
But eventually the body will develop resistance, I am sure.

And it doesn't get to us anymore.

Something useful to do with myself

2009-11-03T00:32:00.000-08:00

I wonder if everyone goes through the same cycle of emotions: uplifted-> down-> melancholic-> aimless. Then pause...drifting up from aimlessness to inspired -> uplifted...and the whole cycle again. Do people go through that?

If yes, I am normal. If not, why do I keep finding myself feeling this way?

...

Just the past Sunday, V had shared about the struggle of living out the beatitudes.

These are a way of life. They are an attitude.

I suppose that means it can be formed if we consciously try hard enough.

Oh well.

I am writing this entry feeling a bit disgruntled and down. With myself. Oh well, looks like I can't keep my promise to my student F about not being 'emo' anymore.

(F said: You are getting married oh! Happy already! Cannot write emo entries anymore!)

Eh. I will try harder, I promise.

But you know that disgruntlment is not exactly a negative energy, I would think. Because it makes me think.

In fact, it made me see old things in a new light.

That, is uplifting.

...

When I was in the USA, I was often bored to tears.

Stuck in a rural part of a cosmopolitan city made it worse. I was so near to the facilities, yet I was so far.

That led me to keeping myself indoor 80% of the time. I didn't drive around to explore because I wasn't a good driver. I didn't travel to other states because I didn't want to miss religious class (and waste money--geez. What a bad excuse). So in the end, I didn't do what I had initially set out to do. Not one of it.

And I came back, almost empty-handed.

I remember being angry at myself for a long time.

There I was, free, nothing to do, with all the time in the world, which I could have used to my advantage. I could have studied more Spanish and taken my exams, did more yoga and became a teacher, danced more and and made better use of my time. But I had decided that it was not worth it...I had decided to become a bummer and stay at home to watch Ellen degeneres and the morning show.

I, threw all those possibilities away.

So if I had decided on all that, then who shall I blame?

*points finger around*

...

So what am I trying to say?

You see, I agree with all that people had said: my life is very aimless now.

When I was in school, life was easier because I was always working towards something, towards an exam rather.

Yes, my life had always only been about exams. HOW very........pathetic, huh?

So there is reason to be aimless now, isn't there, since there are no more exams?

But that is not the point. The point is, I haven't lived enough (not in terms of age, but in terms of the 'true spirit') to understand what I want from my life.

When people tell me I am pursuing too many things, I used to feel embarassed about it. I know it is a vice --because I end up becoming a Master of none--and I feel bad about it.

But that night, when my brother slammed my violin--mind you, the violin is broken now--and my parents did nothing at his unwarranted outburst, I suddenly understood something:

I was chasing everything because my parents couldn't afford to give me much. (I had wanted to say 'anything' but I realize that is not true.) No, I don't blame them, just like I don't blame them for not showering enough love on the family.

They never stood up for me. I always had to fight for everything.

And yes, life is like that. Never perfect.

Once speechless, I can now tell you. I am chasing everything because my parents never felt I could do anything. And I am not kidding about that.

I am chasing everything because when I was young--I never told you this before and I am not making it up and you have the right to not believe me if you think I am just telling a tall tale--everyone told me I would amount to nothing.

As young as five years old, I have heard that. Straight in my face.

Until don't know when, I still hear that. Still, straight in my face.

Nobody ever felt I could do anything. All they told me was "You will grow up to be a good-for-nothing."

I don't know why they said that. I really don't know. I sure hope it is not because I am naughty because I was never naughty or mischievous.

But I do know that I do want to prove everyone wrong.

Every single one of them.

...

You know, I bet we all have a story to tell. A story which can sometimes be forgotten because it is suppressed.

So for now, while I am trying my best to not be such a Jack, I can't say for sure I will succeed. I mean, we all have emotional baggages that can take forever to haul. Maybe I will still be aimlessly doing many things...

So while I try my best not to be a Jack, I have also been thinking hard about the kind of life I want to lead.

Like now. This kind of life.

Free, non-restrictions. Easy. Relaxed.

Not exactly the best, yes. But it is good enough.

And I was thinking, there must be a reason why I keep 'meeting' this kind of 'situation'. So since I am in it, why not make the best out of it?

...

R said something very meaningful: I want to fly when I have barely learnt how to walk.

Well, fine then. I shall walk. All my life.

Let's not try to fly anymore. Really. Let's not do that.

Let me not kid myself into believing I can soar.

And yes, you may find this conclusion seemingly familiar. Well, that is because I chanced upon this reflection before.

(Connect: There must be a reason why I keep coming to terms with this reflection.)

Then let me do something useful with it.

Searching for my way

2009-10-29T23:43:00.000-07:00

I have not been able to blog for the past few weeks for various reasons and I thought I should just drop by today since 1) Iam feeling like it; 2) I am not in exactly a mood to rant; 3) I have things to say.

...

Just yesterday, something rather unpleasant has occured.

I was asked (specially) to help record minutes for a meeting. That was just one side of it. The other side was because I had demonstrated a strong competence (or I choose to think so, if that idea is more likely) in assimilating ideas.

It was a meeting for a taskforce. To start on a new venture and yes, chart a new chapter in the history of the organization.

While I may dislike the niche I am in, I take great pride in what I do. That can be a paradox, yes. It is just like, maybe you don't believe in democracy but you enjoy being a politician. The two concepts may--I emphasize--be related in a distant sense yes, but they are still related.

Anyhow, let me summarize by saying, it was unpleasant because other people tried to boss me around.

This other person brought in her own group of staff and TOLD me I need not do what my boss had asked me to do.

No, it was not in her capacity to do that. My boss is the chairperson of this whole committee and he had asked me to work together with XX.

It is a complicated story--just know that in the end, I was left feeling upset simply because I had imagined she had doubted my ability. However, after talking (or rather, ranting) to R, I realized she did it for strategic reasons. That other person probably was trying to win my boss' favour.

Will she succeed? I don't know. And I don't really care.

All that matters to me is, if in the end my request to work independently succeeds, then she better pray that my report is substandard to her staff's.

She better pray for that, because I don't want to get the last laugh.

...

And yes, life has been a little tough. Well, not that I am complaining.

Just a couple of week or so ago, a very dear friend L had spoken to me in all honesty and earnestness.

She asked me if I had ever considered thinking about my career seriously and if I were really prepared to settle down.

To really settle down requires a lot of things, I was told.

I remember feeling very upset--and trying very hard not to show it--at the end of the conversation. I wasn't upset at her; I was upset that no matter what I did, I was open to miscomprehension.

My friend had thought I was a little too happy-go-lucky (for lack of a better word) towards the development of a career and she had wanted to remind me to take a more composed attitude. She was speaking from experience, having changed jobs twice and getting into the third one at entry-level and hence, commanding a sizable sum less than her counterparts.

It wasn't like I didn't realize my predicament. I mean, I am totally aware of it.

But is there anything I can do?

Is there anything I can do when the job that I like right now is a contract position, which is based on a renewal term of 1.5 years?

Is there anything I can do when I like research but fail to reach the calibre required of Research Officers in governmental agencies?

Is there anything I can do when I am born stupid, am brought up speaking Mandarin, got a C5 for General Paper and a Second Lower for Honours?

Maybe there is--please let me know!

The truth is, I have been trying very hard.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I have a full-time job now. Else, I would have been still doing part-time work as before. I like that carefree kind of life.

It is because I am trying so hard which is why I hadn't gone ahead to do the million and one things I badly want to do. I want to save up for my parents.

It is because I am trying so hard that I sometimes get so disappointed with myself and I just tear and cry. I too don't want to be direction-less, but my search has proven to be longer than others.

And yes, I do wish that I know what I am searching for, but the truth is, I don't!

And I am not saying these to gain your sympathy. Nobody deserves anyone's sympathy.

I am just saying this because I hope you can look at me from where I have come--the fact that I have grown--and not where I am.

Because I am never probably going to be nowhere near where you think I should be.

A reason behind the season

2009-10-12T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is very hard to dissect the emotions.

While I would have hoped to be there to share in her happiness on that very special day, I am also kind of glad I wasn't invited. I would imagine that it would have been rather awkward. Time would have been difficult to pass. I would have felt lonely.

And yes, that is not what church weddings are supposed to be about.

...

When I met her in Feb this year at another friend's wedding, she had claimed that all those who were present then would be invited to her wedding.

Oh well. I had taken her word for it, and had been anticipating it, with a fretful heart and intense worry.

Fretful heart and intense worry, because I was sure I was going to feel awkward again. Maybe it was my imagination, but the truth stays, untarnished in our memories.

We were very good friends in JC. The four, five of us. But we 'broke up' after that.

We broke up because of my childishness and foolishness. We never patched up.

The last time I met them was a year after we graduate from JC, in a pizza restaurant in the basement of Forum. I remember it had felt awkward. I remember we were friendly strangers.
I, with the four of them.

We never saw each other again after that.

Occasionally I would see Y since we were from the same student group. We won't talk much.

Once in a blue moon, I would chance into N but there aren't really that many blue moons.

Come to think of it, maybe I won't get to see them ever again in this lifetime...except for Y who I probably have to invite to my wedding.

...

It was an unnecessary worry period for me, on my part.

You see, I had taken her word for it, that I would have been invited to her reception and had been worrid because I had not really thought of inviting her to my reception.

So really, I am glad she striked me out of her list.

I would have been happy for her anyhow. We were good friends and we are still, loosely, friends. And I am sure that status will stay for a lifetime.

The fact is, for a while I had been really upset about losing them.

And yes, while I still am, I look forward to the closer friendships I had fostered in exchange, how I had changed because of that misunderstanding.

So really, all things in life happen for a reason.

Some people are really only in your life for a season.

If you ask me...

2009-09-24T01:34:00.000-07:00

I had the privilege of sitting in N's car last night.

I haven't had much contact with N previously. I do like her as a person. She looks very pleasant, intelligent and she always has all these interesting funny sharings about her experiences with God. But it is just that, she always gave me an impression she doesn't really want to talk to me (maybe it is not me; maybe it is to everyone) so I don't usually dare to take the initiative.

Last night, I learnt that we actually stayed in the same area, which is quite rare! So she offered me a ride and I took the offer.

We had a good chat on the way back.

She asked if I were a teacher...she said I have the teacher face.

I don't know but everyone seems to like to say that. And I really don't know if there is really a characteristic 'teacher face'. I would love to think of it as the intelligent face. (All my teacher friends must be smiling.)

I had shared that I really love writing and I would hope to continue writing as a job/career if I could.

Yes, I really like writing.

She asked me whyI didn't try to be a journalist.

Well, I am not sure if I told you. Before I headed to the university, I tried to apply for a scholarship with the news agency. I went for a writing test... Since then, I haven't dared to imagine having writing as a career anymore.

I do love to write...I don't know if I love it as much as the journalists, but I would think I probably don't write as well.

Whatever.

If you ask me what do I really want to do with my life, frankly, I am clueless.

It is not because I don't think hard enough. I think it is because I think too hard.

Maybe I should just go with the flow, like what Father D did.

I remember his sharing about how there were no revelations from God, no inspiration from scripture, no dreams to prophesize his future, contrary to what we believe.

It was just a stirring of the heart towards a certain way of life, towards a certain sect, to pursue a certain lifestyle.

Stirring of the heart.

So now, if you ask me what do I want to do with my life really, I still have no answer.

But I know two things:

1) I want to be really good in my languages. So I will really concentrate on increasing my profiency in Japanese and Spanish. I want to venture into English-Chinese translation if the opportunity is available (if not, I will pass it).

2) I really want to continue writing, in one way or another. I want to write essays that can be published in newspapers, reflections that will get people thinking.

I think that is enough for now.

And you'd probably realized, I have decided too, not to forever be a Jack of all trades and a Master of none.

Y says to me "Dance when you have the chance"

2009-09-24T00:58:00.000-07:00

As of what I have last heard, C has been retrenched.

I remember my reaction was just an open mouth and dropped jaw. How can so much possibly happen in such a short span of time?

How can he be rejected one moment by HDB because in his own words, their combined incomes are too high to apply for a flat, and then the next moment, being out of a job together with his wife?

Yes, they are both retrenched. I find that pretty hard to believe.

Maybe I take things for granted. The job. The money. And the life that I have.

...

On Monday, the Salsa gang met up in E's house to practise Rueda. We are going to perform in her wedding.

It is a fun activity for me because I think it is a blessing to be able to dance for a friend on such a special occasion.

The fact is, E had earlier approaches R and me to do a swing dance. E loves swing music and dances swing too. But R had declined, to my disappointment.

Just as I would have hoped that he would perform with me in a good friend's wedding, I would rather not force him to do anything against his will.

The way I imagine it, he would not force me to do anything against my will.

Anyhow, the practice turned out fine in the end, although initially, it was really quite messy. I guess lunch gave our shuffling feet and cloudy minds a boost of energy.

I am really looking forward to her wedding dinner!

...

The way I see it, life can be pretty unpredictable.

Well, not that we don't already know it. I know you know it. I know I know it. I know we all know it.

We just tend to, yes, take things for granted.

There is an audition in October and I keep hesitating about whether to go or not.

For me, I am always afraid of 'malu-ing' myself. I am afraid that I cannot catch up with the routine. I am afraid that I will look clumsy.

I am afraid that people will laugh at me. I am afraid of being ridiculed.

But all those are only thoughts in my head, I am sure.

Like a casual performance at a friend's wedding, I am sure people see the courage and the effort more than the execution of the moves itself.

They see the sincerity. They see the desire. They see the heart.

But even if they don't see that, who cares? Why should I be so bothered about what people see?

I don't know how long I can keep dancing--Face it: I am not a professional. Some day, some other commitments will creep into the picture to claim top priority. And especially when I am getting married next year, how much more time can I self-centredly put in dancing?

So if life is so short, and so unpredictable, I should really just dance when I have the chance.

Sense and insensitivity

2009-09-22T23:55:00.000-07:00

As of today, I need to work on being less sensitive.

Because I have been told--I am rather, too sensitive. Which I am not sure if it is true or not...but I will take that to be the case for now, because else, as what I have been told, I would be very miserable.

Sensitivity and paranoia are just a line apart. I think I may be becoming more of the latter unknowingly and tipping the balance.

...

In an attempt to involve my parents in my wedding preparation, I had told them excitedly that the wedding cake which my cousin sent 4 months ago cost $6.80.

I don't know what you think of it, but it was JUST a comment on my part.

I had wanted to update my parents on the wedding cakes issue...that was the opening line.

But their reaction was totally alarming, at least to me.

"WHY ARE YOU SO STINGY?" came their unanimous reply.

Huh? I wasn't sure what stinginess had to do with it.

All I know is that I feel hurt inside.

I shared this story with N and asked for her opinion.

That was her reply--I was too sensitive for my own good.

Was that really the case?

I don't know. I only know that my intentions --if I were really sensitive--were good. I didn't want myself to be an A**hole or a pain in the neck. I didn't want to be totally oblivious of what others thought of me.

Maybe, maybe, I wanted to be an angel. That is clearly not in my conscious mind, but it could be lurking in my subconscious.

...

And so, I shall stop trying to be so sensitive.

Although I am not sure how successful I will be.

But I will try.

A Retreat into wait and hope

2009-09-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a retreat over the weekend. It was a retreat for the choir which I am in, and I must confess I had second thoughts about going initially. Simply because, I am really not that close to anyone, and I am really afraid of being left out. But I decided to take a gamble to go for it.

...

I am glad I did.

Because while the initial sessions (the whole retreat is divided into various sessions) wasn't that great, it slowly built up to a climax that moved me to tears.

Yes, quite literally.

It is funny, because I had seen that particular cartoon (not animated, just a 2-D cartoon) at least twice, but I hadn't been this moved.

I was so moved until I was weeping.

And it is just an oxy-moron cartoon--you've probably seen it--called 'The Cross'.

The cartoon starts off with a lot of people carrying their crosses. Evidently, it is heavy.

It zooms in on one character--that's supposed to be you--which then comments "Lord, it is too heavy. Please cut it down a little."

The character proceeded to cut it himself.

He continued on for a distance before sheepishly looking up again, saying "Lord, please cut it a little more. I will be able to carry it better..."

And he cut the cross more himself.

He walked on and reached a valley. He wasn't sure how he should cross it. He stood there...as everyone else proceeded to lay the cross across the valley to move to the other side.

He sat down, exasperated.

...

I thought it was a powerful message then...because it spoke right to my heart.

We all experience struggles in life. Often, we think we can't continue anymore.

But actually, that is not true. We can continue, if we just continue.

Please do not get the impression it is a passive state of mere waiting, because that is not the case.

In that act alone lies perseverance, surrender and courage.

...

I especially like L's sharing about her family plight.

She has been in the same company for 20 plus years. In that span of a fifth of a century, she has only been promoted once.

All the time she shared, I kept wondering if my plight is a microscale of hers.

But she has hung on in her job because her husband hadn't been able to keep his, and she needed the job to provide for the family.

For fifteen years, she has been very angry. She has been resentful. She has been disappointed.

I am not sure if I can ever emphatize because that alone, hanging on for twenty-plus years is just seemingly impossible.

But now, she has turned that negative energy all into positive vibes. She is thankful that she has been able to bring food to the table. She is glad that the family is still intact together.

On Saturday, they celebrated their 20-plus-th wedding anniversary.

And all I see is courage and strength.

...

So I am really thankful I went for the retreat.

Because as of now, I feel recharged. I guess that is what retreats are supposed to do to you.

And I hold this message dear to my heart: That I not clamour for anything.

I will just keep on walking. And wait as I walk.

Opting out

2009-09-10T23:25:00.000-07:00

It is Friday, the last day of the week. I feel a little relieved, but it is just a little a little.

It is again another busy weekend awaiting.

Today, I rush home to go for a retreat, and I won't return home till Sunday, after which I have Tango classes in the evening.

And yes, that means my house chores are undone. That means I have to make sure I still have the energy to iron my clothes after dinner and do my laundry after I have done the ironing.

Those thoughts alone make me want to take MC on Monday.

I think I have this cycle constantly repeating: A senang weekend, and I feel too bored. I cramp my schedule up, and I feel that I need space. And then the cycle repeats, and repeats.

I never learn my mistakes.

I guess I like the caged life of a hamster.

...

The week has been a pretty calm one. No big disasters or big conflicts. Life just takes a normal step at one time.

That is good.

There has been issues to settle though. Tough ones.

R and I got a ticket to choose a flat in the BTO series. Due to some unforeseen circumstances on our sides, we are contemplating if we should give up this ticket.

And mind you, it is a good number.

While it hasn't been me initiating the decision to ballot for a flat, I was totally taken aback by his suggestion of opting out.

We are still praying about it.

The way I see it: we should just keep the number and get the place, not because I can definitely pay for it, but because it is just a matter of time before we get into such a situation again. So why not now than later? Why not now when we have the assets of time and energy?

And then there is my parents' annuity issue to settle.

Yes, that is a heavy burden, so heavy that sometimes I wish I had a choice to opt out of it. Like the ticket.

But of course, I can't do that.

I don't know if I ever told you but my parents know nothing about financial planning.

They have no savings. Their CPF is meagre. They have nothing except for the flat unit that I am staying in. Naturally then, it is me since my brother has proven time and again he is not trustworthy. I too wish he is, but he hasn't proven me wrong otherwise.

So I have really been working very hard, not so much for myself, but for them.

I am sorry if I sound like I am ranting--I am really not in the best of moods today, even though yes, I am thankful that it is Friday.

I am thankful it is Friday because I can finally take a break from my work, which is just miserably ... unpromisingly boring, for lack of a better word.

And it is ok if it is boring. I have learnt that most jobs are.

Type a document. Gosh. That can be boring.

Prepare a report. Gosh. That can be boring.

Write a speech. Gosh. That can be boring too!

Life can be boring, I accept that.

It is only when life gets unpromising that makes one lose heart.

Ever since that little episode about those seemingly insignificant lesson plans which I have taken so much heart to prepare, I have become very disconcerted.

Just how much am my efforts worth?

And I am not talking in monetary terms.

But the irony of the situation right now is, since I can't get the things I want, all I can do is to grit my teeth here.

And I can't help but wonder what I should look forward to. Is there anything to even look forward to?

(I bet there is--I am sure I will find it when my mood gets better.)

Can I opt out of the freedom of free will?

Can't God just mandate me what I should do next?

Not flying...no wings!

2009-09-04T01:57:00.000-07:00

As I write this entry, I am still contending with disappointment.

Even though 1) I know it is a part of life 2) I wasn't very confident in the first place 3) I am not in reality as disappointed as I thought I would be, I am still feeling it a lot.

I didn't get through to the first round of the Chinese programme.

...

Everybody had thought that I stood a very big chance.

Chinese is my first language. I took Higher Chinese all the way until Pre-U. I have a distinction in the Special Paper. I have a Diploma in teaching Chinese as a foreign language. I have done so well in my HSK that I have been awarded a one-month scholarship by Hanban.

Ain't I competent enough?

I am sorry--I can't answer that.

I can't answer that because at this point in time, I am left wondering what I can do. What am I competent in?

...

My busmate asked me why ain't I in some high-flying garmen job.

I told her I am not good enough.

My colleague asked me why ain't I trying to land myself in some right-hand man position.

I said the same thing.

The motivational speakers will tell you to believe in yourself! Trust that you can achieve greater things. Aspire and you will get it!

Right.

If we all can do that so easily, the motivational speakers will be out of a job.

....

I am really sick of aiming high and getting nothing.

But I really don't know what I can do to flap my wings.

D$%^ it...

maybe I haven't got any wings in the first place.

The money will shut me up...

2009-08-31T01:35:00.000-07:00

Time seems to pass pretty quickly today.

But I would assume it didn't actually pass faster. After all, it is always constant.

The only logical explanation is, when we busy ourselves with things, we tend to minimize the moments we look up to the clock. When the lapse between moments decrease (in comparison to when we are free and we keep looking up). time suddenly seem to have passed faster.

...

For the last 2 weeks leading up to today (and possibly for the next week), I have been doing brainless work.

I say brainless because there is no need to think, at all.

No, I am not saying it in a stuck-up manner; I am not saying I am so clever until everything is too easy for me. I am merely reflecting to you the actual scenario.

For the past few weeks, I have been copying his transparencies into powerpoint slides. How brain-taxing can that be?

And all these transparencies are that from a private venture my boss is in earlier.

So really, don't ask me what I am doing? I am, not even sure myself!

But I guess, if I have a choice, I would rather be doing this.

Yes.

....

I don't know if I have told you, but I have developed some modules.

And please note how I have phrased it--I hadn't elaborated on whether it is in my scope of work. There is no need to touch on that. Whatever it is, just know that I have developed some modules.

But while I should be happy that they are used (my colleague encountered some problems formatting and asked for my help and I saw the contents), I was feeling more of upset than gladness.

Somebody is obviously feeling guilty--I was asked to amend the layout of the document to make it more presentable to the selection committee. And now that it has been accepted, someone else has been tasked to modify the layout, changing the page number and adding in the crafter's name.

Which is not my name.

And of course, we can all argue about how I am paid a salary to do all this work. How the modules wouldn't be incorporated had it not been for the salary I am paid. We are all right in our own ways, I am sure.

Just as how somebody hasn't even the integrity to at least acknowledge my division as the crafter. It wouldn't be as maddening.

So my question would be, then wasn't the instructor paid as well? Then why is he not the one crafting the module? Why make someone else do it?

....

There is a serious problem with the way things are done here.

The fact is, I still can't get over the 'practice' of calling worthy competitors up for interviews when there is already a designated candidate who has a 90% chance of clinching the position.

Aiyah..whatever whatever. I am paid. Period.

Yes, I am paid, so I should just do my work and shut up.

But you know what--suddenly, I can't help feeling glad that I am not a permanent staff.

Keep the faith...

2009-08-24T23:16:00.000-07:00

I have heard snippets of this song a few times but it was only when I heard it playing in someone else's play list that I realized the title: The Climb. I chanced on it innocently enough, when I was in a conversation with H and I shared on how I still had some personal thoughts/uncertainties to resolve.

Singer: Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

I asked H if she had any regrets so far.

She said, not quite, apart for the occasional time which she felt she could have tried harder on certain things when she was younger.

Ah-huh...younger. That sentiment, I too have.

And I do wish I have her easy-going positive spirit too.

...

I must be too free at work, you say, to have time for thoughts like that.

G likes to say I have an easy time at work. And my reply would be, if life were more stressful, then I would be paid much more.

He can't answer to that.

I wonder if my search will yearn any answers though.

Guess I can only keep the faith.

Feeling stupid and I don't know why.

2009-08-24T01:08:00.000-07:00

R said after doing it more times, freezing shouldn't happen to me in class anymore.

I don't know if that is true.

I only know that it always happen in E's class. I mean, it also happens in others' classes, like M's. But it always always happen in E's class.

Maybe it is because in his class, I always feel very incompetent.

I always feel useless and stupid in his class.

...

I shared with G just now that ironically, I seem to enjoy doing things that make me feel stupid.

I enjoy language classes, but they always make me feel stupid.

Well, as a matter of fact, I just got my test results. Most of my classmates scored 90+. I scored the mirror image.

And that adds to it, I guess, although I mus confess I was rather contented with the results.

I enjoy dance classes. Hip hop, Jazz, and all.

But they make me feel stupid too.

I kind of think it is an inferiority complex thing. Something that I can't seem to run away from.

Something that I thought I would have been able to overcome, but in actual fact no.

...

I must say I am still feeling a little lost right now.

Y says it is usual; we all go through phases like that.

But really, sometimes, I can't help feeling I wish I were someone else.

I wish I were C, who can commit all her time to herself and not worry about her parents because they are self-sufficient, and hence indulge in dance.

I wish I were L, who is the youngest in the family, who has everyone's support to carve out her own career in dance.

I wish I were D, who had started dancing at the age of 6, danced all the way from secondary school to university.

I wish I were anyone else but myself and I don't know why.

...

The fact is, I do enjoy the break from church.

I don't mean it to say that I don't like church. I do...it's just that I also enjoy the break to do my own things, to have a carefree Sunday like yesterday.

I woke up, went for Mass in the early morning, went for E's dance class, did my groceries, went home to clear up a bit, met R to meet the Father.

Then I had dinner, did my ironing and my laundry.

All in a day's work. And I do enjoy that.

...

Y says I need to heal myself. I think so too.

I need to stop wishing I were someone else.

I need to see beyond the surface of others and look into myself.

I need to appreciate my strengths and my personality and acknowledge myself.

I need to stop feeling I am stupid.

Because I am not.

I want to be an expert

2009-08-14T00:13:00.000-07:00

I thought I should record this little milestone.

Well, it is not exactly the most appropriate date, but I think it is almost a safe estimation.

...

My resume so far has a record of 8-mth job stints.

As of today, I can say that I have almost broken that record. The end of the month will mark the 8th month (but you see, the reason why I say today is a safe estimation is because, even if I suddenly decide *touchwood!* to tender on Monday, I would have worked for 9 months already).

My previous prospective employers have harped on it hard.

Everyone has been quick to jump to the conclusion that I like job hopping. I can't take challenges. I need a constant fresh environment.

Whatever.

So well, when I decided to apply to this place (where I am now), I told myself I must hang on no matter what.

Even if it sucked.

Even if it bores the hell out of me.

Just because I need to break out of that job-hopper label.

...

That day, I woke up feeling that my world is without meaning and without hope.

It is a funny feeling to have, funnier when you wake up with it!

The last thing I remember was I had decided I will not join the performance company.

I really do want to join it, from the bottom of my heart....but not so much of the desire to shine on stage though, more so because it can help me improve.

I really want to be -better- in it. Better is the word.

The fact is, I am really sick of being a jack-of-all-trades and a master-of-none.

But of course, as R has pointed out, it is not like joining the performance company will make me a master. I am probably too inflexible too late.

And he says there are other things I should devote to, if I want to uphold my argument of becoming a "master", like languages, for example.

So in his opinion, my argument is flawed.

Oh well...probably.

...

Actually, it is all about the notion of opportunity.

My colleague E told me that I was worthy of bigger responsibilities. She felt I have the calibre to land some high-flying position like a CEO's right hand (wo)man or something. My colleague P said that I am extremely versatile and will have no problem landing a job after my contract ends.

The irony is, while I also do feel that I am capable, it clearly doesn't seem to be the case.

And I realize I am beginning to doubt my own capabilities.

I aim high....but all I get are lallangs. I don't get to park on big Primary forest trees.

I try to look far out but all I see is the small ridden track in front of me. I don't see any green pastures or the deep sea.

And it is tiring because everyone thinks I am just an happy-go-lucky being who doesn't care the least where I am going. Who doesn't care about finances. Who doesn't care about my future.

Who squanders my time off doing nothing constructive.

But that is not true.

I don't.

...

The truth is that--I don't know what I am looking for.

I don't have a specific destination in mind, like an occupation or the sort.

All I want, all I really want, is a vocation that can bring me an inner satisfaction. It is not about the job; it is the challenges of the position and the fulfillment.

And yes, that can be elusive.

Whatever. Maybe I am not sure myself.

But one thing I am very sure: I do want myself to become an expert.

In something.

In anything.

Something worth taking away

2009-08-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

LeeAnn Womack has a song "Something worth leaving behind" which describes about one's legacy when one dies.

I like that song very much.

...

It is still some time away from my wedding but I have decided to start clearing up my rubbish and packing what I need.

That was what I did (tried to do) yesterday. Within the 2 hours of window I had.

My parents have been very generous to me. I am allocated a lot of space in the house. But because of that, I keep more things than I need.

Some of them are of sentimental value--like my secondary school notebooks.

Some of them are just memoirs of an age--like the diaries I used to keep.

There were also many textbooks. Mostly bought during my University days, all of which I couldn't bear to throw (give) away other than that thick, gross Molecular Biology of the Cell and the photostated textbooks on Immunology.

Clearly, you can probably appreciate why I didn't do so well in Biology.

...

But if I were to be bringing only certain things over to R's place, I must be selective.

I wasn't having my own apartment. I couldn't bring everything over.

All I was going to get--if I am lucky, and I do hope I will be lucky--is one section of the book shelf, one part of the cabinet, and some space for my many storage boxes.

I can't be more thankful.

So as I was ploughing through the many things, I was thinking very hard about what I would be bringing over.

And I was reminded of the song.

Sure, I wasn't at a point of deciding what kind of legacy to leave behind but I needed to decide what I would take away with me.

My present house is a storage space literally. I keep my clothes, my food, my books...everything I need inside.

But when I can't take the house with me, what would I choose to take away, and what would I choose to leave behind?

...

So far, I have packed away one box. In it contains two Neuroscience textbooks, and many diaries.

Frankly, as I type now, I am inclined to re-pack that box.

Diaries, yes. But Neuroscience textbooks? It is not like I will ever do it again. Anymore.

*thinks hard*

Yes. I think it is more worthwhile taking the Chinese Dictionary away instead.

The paths that don't cross ever

2009-08-06T23:47:00.000-07:00

As I looked at the pictures, I realized that it is not true that one will look beautiful during the wedding day.

And I was just thinking to myself, I hope I will not be in such a plight. I do hope that I will be able to look pretty and beautiful on my wedding day.

...

A friend has got married. And I am sorry (ashamed) to say that I didn't think she looked pretty at all.

Is it the make-up? Is it the gown?

Is it her? That she wasn't pretty in the first place?

Or is it me? That I superimposed my perceptions onto her face?

Which is why I declined to leave any comments. I didn't want myself saying any hurtful things.

Well, to sort things out, I checked with my colleague.

She reaffirmed my stand: my friend didn't look pretty in her gown or in the pictures.

I don't know if it is even supposed to happen. Like I said earlier, a bride is supposed to look beautiful.

And so when people start saying things like,

"Oh! You are gorgeous!", "Wow! You look stunning!", "You are beautiful"

when it is not the case, what is more scary?

The person who said it? Or the thoughts that went into the person who said it?

...

At work yesterday, I had a little conflict with someone at work.

I needed to purchase some equipment, which cost about $100. And I had asked for her permission because she was THE person to ask.

But while she told me it would be possible for funding on the one hand, she had told my colleague to tell me to buy it myself.

HUH! BUY IT MYSELF!

I cannot imagine why I should buy it myself when it is the workplace that needs it.

But more importantly, I cannot understand why she must whisper to my colleague to tell me to buy it myself when she could have told me that herself.

And just when I had thought that this was a one-off, I found out that the disruption of my telephone line had something to do with her too.

My boss had said ok to keeping the line; she had told me that the department was unwilling to pay for my line (my boss is her superior).

And she had canceled my line.

And I am now without a telephone line.

...

I think I can accept the fact that there will always be such people around in our lives, and that it is just a matter of how much contact we will have.

But really,

if you are my friend,

then please do tell me if I don't look pretty on my wedding day.

Or even, if it brings you discomfort to mention about my face, then say it in a different but nonetheless fortright way.

Maybe say, "You look radiant" (That just means my face is pink and of course, I would most probably have my blusher on).

Or say, "You look different" (That just means I am different!)

Or just say "Congratulations!"

Yes, I will be a little disheartened that I hadn't looked beautiful, but I will appreciate that sincerity and honesty more than sheer flattery.

I want our paths to cross again.

And that can only be possible if we have complete trust in each other.

Fine! Next please!

2009-08-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

Quite a while ago, I had contemplated continuing Japanese with my current teacher.

My classmates didn't like him one bit. They say he talked too much, that is bad enough. But the worst thing is, the things he had said aren't the least beneficial to us.

In other words, he talked too much rubbish in class.

I had differed in my opinion.

You see, when I started Japanese, I was always nervous. I freaked up when I needed to go for class, because I hadn't understood a single thing. (That was another teacher. She is supposed to be quite good.)

But you see--a teacher-student's relationship needs some amount of chemistry.

This teacher, albeit talking too much, had made me comfortable in a certain way.

I think it is because he makes a lot of stupid comments--which made the exceptional students feel that he is wasting their time, but had made me feel comfortable instead.

Anyway, that was how I had thought a while back.

...

I have been learning Japanese for a year now.

Right now, I am in the last phase of the Intermediate level of the school.

I am still not fluent in the language. But I think a very very simple conversation is possible. I may stutter and pause due to a lack of vocabulary, and I will probably not understand exactly what is being said, but I can still fathom a bit.

And I am proud of my own progress.

So when my teacher tried so hard to convince me I shouldn't be taking JLPT 3, I wasn't the least impressed.

(We would need a recommendation from him to take the exam since we should be taking JLPT 4 but we are skipping a grade.)

To begin with, I wasn't taking it in the first place. It was the girl beside me who had wanted to try it. For me, I would be in Guangzhou doing my one-month Chinese literature/ economics/ politics class (I can try to take it in Guangzhou but it is going to be a big hassle trying to contact the university and the such).

He kept telling me how the deserving classmates have been scoring 80 and above for all their tests and hence are ready (and hence, since I hadn't ever scored 80, I am not...).

Perhaps, I should really feel incompetent, and to a certain extent, I do.

When I go for make-up class, I see people getting 98 marks or 95 marks for their test. In my own class, people get 99 marks.

I, on the contrary, get 73 marks. Sometimes, I scrap by, managing 60 plus marks.

In class, I don't understand the Japanese my teacher mutters. Or maybe he is not muttering. I thought he was.

So yes, maybe I should feel ashamed.

So maybe, it is not so much about other people being exceptional, just that I am unachieving.

Whatever it is, as a teacher, you have no right to dissuade me.

That goes against the motion of a teacher, does it not?

You may not support it because you feel that you don't want me to risk rejection and failure. Your job then is to tell me the test is hard and I will need to study doubly hard.

...

I was hesitating for a while whether I should even continue with Japanese.

I guess I should.

Even if next year I am still not good enough for JLPT.

You know. I know what I need to succeed in the language. Maybe because of my fetish with the brain and its behaviour--I know just what I need.

So I guess, perhaps a more worthwhile question is, will I be committed to better Japanese?

But anyway, I have decided to not continue with the school. Or the teacher.

I have to agree with my classmates this time: It is time to move on.

Lingering on ...freedom

2009-07-29T00:09:00.000-07:00

I hadn't gone dancing in NQ for a long time. In fact, I hadn't met up with my Salsa friends for a long time.

I went down on Tue, and there was a crowd. Among us, already there was a turnout of 6 people. At the club, it was even more crowded. I was told that it was Beginners' Night.

Right.

...

I used to think Salsa was a very sleazy dance. I guess I just wasn't comfortable at the way some guys hold the girls.

But as of now, I have become quite 'ok' with it.

I think I can appreciate the music better, not to mention, enjoy dancing more.

If guys cuddle me, and they do it in a sleazy way, then I just try my best to keep a distance.

But I don't usually get that--Thankfully--probably because 1) I am not gorgeous-looking; 2) I always stick to T-shirts (which kills all sense of femininity).

And I don't usually think highly of Salsa guys. Maybe because I have heard of a few who were j***...

But on Tue, I thought this guy was absolutely mesmerizing.

He took my breath away. For a moment...

He kept giving me reassuring pats on my back. Literally. Momentarily, he will whisper...Relax, relax. One time, he even told me to not worry and just keep smiling.

Yeah, I am very nervous when I dance with strangers.

And the way he spins! So graceful. The way he moves...He even shines with shine.

Wah...plus that cologne of his, lady-killer ah.

Haha.

In fact, I told R (he came to pick me up) that if I had not met him, I would have wooed that guy!

Of course, I am exaggerating. I don't think I will really woo him. But the fact is, I do feel that guys who can dance well or play music well exhibit an irresistible appeal.

...

I kind of wonder if I will still get to go dancing after I am married.

I have seen many people 'deteriorate' following marriage. They don't go dancing anymore. They don't socialize anymore.

They transform...into a house-person.

Which, please do not get me wrong, is not a bad thing at all.

It is good to be spending your time with the person you love. I would want to do that too.

But I do want to do other things too.

I still want to be able to go dancing (never mind about meeting impressive guys who can twirl and spin with grace and charm).

I still want to learn foreign languages and travel around the world (It would be ideal if R comes with me but if he can, I will be more than happy to have him around).

I still want to learn how to do gymnastics.

I sill want to have my own life.

And I hope that will be the case.

Healing. Outpouring. Check: Normal.

2009-07-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

The weekend has been quite amazing.

I went for LISS, in my mind procrastinating, not really keen. I was sick anyway—so that could be a convenient excuse had I chosen to use it.

But well, since I have already paid the money, I figured I should just go ahead.

Sometimes, things turn out quite different from the way we anticipate it.

…

My first session last Sat was a culture-shock.

That sums my sentiments holistically. I wasn’t the least comfortable in the room—people raising hands, muttering what seems to be gibberish, prayers being recited. Alamak, what is this?

But come the next week, as I made my way there alone (E was sick), I thought I should just proceed on with an open heart. After all, I have already paid the money!

So…I tried.

The truth is, I have heard quite a lot about healing and all, but I have never associated the two: That I will get to experience what I had heard where I was then.

…

L found out from me what I wanted to be healed from.

The pondering over wasn’t too difficult.

It has been very hard for me. I had felt the resentment in my heart.

So, it was very natural, and only natural, that I thought of that.

The healing-over left me sobbing.

But it also gave me a sense of lightness.

I remember thinking,"Weird".

…

The next day was the more intense day: the outpouring of the gifts.

As the speaker shared, I had to admit I identified with his sentiments: Give me everything but that.

Yes, I didn’t really want the gift of tongues.

Remember I mention the culture shock I had experienced when people start breaking up in the room speaking in what seemed to be gibberish. Amidst the darkness, it can be overwhelming.
Not to mention, what if I were the one speaking!

Plus, I had heard too often of people who pretended they could speak in tongues just so that they can show it off.

I didn’t need to show off anything. I didn’t want to be speaking gibberish. And so, I really don’t quite want it.

Although technically, I wasn’t in a position to choose what I would get…It is a gift. If you get it, you say thanks! If you don’t, then that is just not supposed to be yours.

Well…

I remember feeling totally surprised that the outpouring occurred so quickly.

One moment we were in a talk, the next moment it was the session.

Amidst feeling stunned, my palms remain outstretched, facing Heaven. Don’t ask me what I was doing—I guess I was just waiting for it to come down.

Yes, it can be very intimidating.

So imagine, I standing in the centre, surrounded by four people praying over me, hands outstretched towards me.

I started crying, unconsciously.

I started weeping…and sweating profusely…even though I was directly under the air-
conditioner vent.

I was just crying, unconsciously and can’t seem to stop.

And then I feel myself falling backwards. That moment, I caught myself.

That happened two more times. I feel myself being pushed back but I catch myself everytime.

All this time, somebody said in my ear to say words of praise. Something wanted to come out from my mouth—I couldn’t let myself articulate it. It didn’t sound comprehensible. I couldn’t make any sense of what I was going to utter.

I was quivering all this time as I fought over the instinct to speak.

Finally, someone walked over to me and told me to let go. And then someone else also reassured me that there would be someone to catch me should I fall.

And I just fell.

This, I think, is called being ‘slain’. What a word…

So I laid there, sobbing in total un-control.

I took a while to sit up and regain composure.

I realized, thankfully, I wasn’t the only one behaving that way.

It was also then I realized what I had heard was true. People just fall. Unaware. If they surrender.

Later on, my facilitator came over and asked me if she could pray with me. She said she had a strong prompting.

And the same thing happened. I sat there, sobbing, quivering, not wanting to muster what I couldn’t understand.

…

The gifts of the spirit. Outpoured to me free.

Such is the wonder of God.

Such is the power of God.

(Sorry if this entry is too ‘Christian’. I needed to blog it out!)

P/s: Praying in tongues is a way of communicating to God. When we run out of things to say, the Spirit takes over and helps us.

P/P/S: I checked with a more experienced friend and realized that whatever I was experiencing—my hairs standing, the quivering, the crying—was normal!

Short update...if you are on RSS feed especially.

2009-07-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to officiate this yesterday—that would have been hot news—but I didn’t…

because, I think I was busy.

I am not quite sure. I was probably rushing out some report.

Anyhow…while it isn’t that hot a piece of news anymore, it is still …quite … hot.

R and I are getting married.

We, or rather, I (since he doesn’t like this sort of stuff) will be trying to blog the preparation process if possible in another blog. (Yes, and then I will have a lot of blogs to maintain…) But why another blog is primarily so that he can access it and blog should he want to.

And that doesn't mean I won't blog anymore. My surname will still remain as it is. I will still be me!

So anyway, yes, you can find us at ...

(was going to write it down but I will realize then I will have infringed on my own privacy!)

(Message me, and I will forward you the addy)

I tried hard enough...

2009-07-13T23:57:00.000-07:00

I am somehow really getting lazier.

I have had things to write about. In fact, just this morning, I had thought of three things to write about. But I had gotten lazy. And obviously I hadn't gotten down to it.

But since my boss is out (for now), I should quickly get down to it.

...

I had a super big fight with her on Sat.

I had almost left home.

She had told me, with her finger pointing to the door, shouting "GET OUT!" and I had wanted to comply.

Only to realize, aiyah, there is Japanese class later. I had already paid the money; I didn't want to waste any money!

Aiyah, tomorrow I need to go dance. I can only attend so many classes...

I had wanted to go to L...H... (some budget hotel near my place) and spend maybe the weekend there.

But I didn't think L...H...was worth $200.

...

The exchange went as follows:

I had shouted at my brother--surname and name--because my brother was sleeping on my pillow. (Yes, yeeeeee right!)

My mum shouted from the kitchen, saying that I don't have manners. And she said something about me being crazy.

I mumbled to myself about it about her being the one crazy. My brother told me to shut up. My mum asked me to shut the big door. I told her to shut it herself.

At that moment, she had an extension cord in her hand as she was getting ready to do the laundry. So she stormed into the living room with the cord in her hand, shut the door, walked to me and tried to hit me with it.

Yes, she tried to hit me with it. At the same time, she shouted, "Who do you say was crazy?"

I replied "YOU!" and said, "HELLO! You called me crazy first right?"

And then it was show time, as B would call it.

After I tried to stop her from hitting me, I said, "What is it this time? Why are you looking for trouble with me all the time?"

S (She): You do volunteer work all the time. You don't care about the family.

I: Huh? I don't care about the family, then what am I doing?

I didn't even wait for her to reply and I added

Then why do I even bother with what I do?

ENOUGH! (Capital letters mean that I shouted) WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING FOR TROUBLE WITH ME?

WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?

YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE PAST TEN PLUS YEARS. YOU DON'T DO IT TO BROTHER COS HE SHOUTS BACK AT YOU SO YOU TAKE IT OUT ON ME?! HOW LONG YOU WANT TO DO THIS? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

(I don't know if you can imagine, but I was really hysterical already.)

Then I asked her, still shouting

YOU SAID I HADN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR THE FAMILY. THEN YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

She actually replied--nothing.

And I said,

YES! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING!! SO YOU SHUT UP! IF YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE ME! THEN SHUT UP!

I was all shouting and all hysterical.

I was crying and I was shaking.

And she said, in a sarcastic tone,

Ya lo. When you were born, you were clever. You don't need anyone to teach you anything.

You know what? I think that statement is so funny.

Was that all that a parent is meant to do? Teach the child something?

When you were born, your mum was dead.

Well, I haven't thought more of that.

IF YOU HAVE THE GUTS, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE NOW!

...AND FROM TODAY ONWARDS, DON'T EVER TALK TO ME.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to talk to her.

Talking to her has been too tedious, too trying and too tiring.

My clothes get missing when she dries them. I have to cook my dinner because she said she is dizzy.

I don't know, but more of it, as I see it, is laziness.

Maybe, maybe I have misunderstood her.

But I really just think,

some people were never meant to be parents.

Because they don't even know how to love.

And I don't say it to criticize anybody...

But I just feel very sorry for myself when I look around and I see loving parent-child relationships.

I mean, it is not like I never tried.

It is not like I never tried hard enough.

Looking at Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson died yesterday. According to the newscast, when the paramedics reached his place, he was already dead.

He was only 50. That is what, half a life time.

Apparently, he had been preparing for his ComeBack tour.

I wonder if he ever knew this was coming; probably not.

...

This week has been quite a week.

I have been having headaches since Sunday. I was supposed to have a meeting. I couldn't make it.

And then, I had headaches on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, yesterday and this morning.

Don't ask me why I get the headaches. I think it is a variety of reasons.

I am stressed out. I am bored.

I am upset. I am annoyed.

Or I am just down.

My mum still throws her tantrums now and then. I try to emphatize. I try to be nice.

I try, but I am still annoyed. I should grow out of it. I always say I should but I never succeed in doing so.

The new officers have taken their positions. I am disgruntled.

But let me clarify: I am disgruntled not because they have their positions, but because I feel underachieved.

You get the difference? Three of us, same qualifications (I have more work experience), but two of them get the posts of senior officers, permanent contracts with benefits while I am not even entitled to the mid-year bonus.

Never mind--I am just being ...irritating.

...

At moments like this, I can only say I want to learn how to remain grateful.

Bent on leaving my old workplace, I had prayed for a job. This had enticed me, so there really shouldn't be anything I should complain about.

It is an easy life. I come in, I knock off. Easy life.

I must believe that I am here for a reason. That a contract may be for my good.

Because it is so cognitive in nature, and I am quite efficient, I have time to 'do other things'...something which I probably can't do if I were a senior officer. I wouldn't have as much time.

...

Actually, life is really really short.

It is just that most of the time, we tend to view time as passing in terms of years...so we make yearly plans and lead yearly lives. We decide that this year, we will visit this place and next year, the other place. We decide that this year, we will learn something and next year, move house. We decide that this year we will wed and next year have kids. We decide that this year we will get healthy and next year we will concentrate on making big money.

But we never wonder about what we should do with now.

My colleague shared with me a story on her husband's friend, who was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. The doctor gave him 2 years to live.

And there was this article by a doctor in the papers yesterday, who shared on how he was touched by a husband waiting on his wife for four years because she had been stricken with cancer.

And then as I look over Michael Jackson's photos of past years, I wonder if he was ever happy.

(The commentary said that he never was happy.)

I wonder if he ever saw how fragile life was.

And I do think what my colleague said makes sense. It is actually not so bad being diagnosed with when you will die.

...because at this point when you are finally confronted with the reality that your life is limited, you can finally decide how you want to live.

...because you finally realize that for once and for all, you gotta start living your days (no more years) seriously.

...

I wasn't ever a fan of Michael Jackson. But I think I will still miss him somehow.

mortality

2009-06-14T23:30:00.001-07:00

My mother is still giving me her long face.

I don't know why--she talks to my father (and possibly, my brother) but she gives me the long face. Until I feel like not acknowledging her even at home.

I don't know why she behaves that way really. How long does she think I will be by her side? *shakes her head* I find it so amusing. We are not immortals. Not she. Not I. We each have our own vocations. Or maybe I at least. And I know very soon, I will leave her...so I really find her actions so childish and so silly.

...

I went for a retreat over the weekend. It is a marriage preparation kind of retreat. So over the weekend, the other person that I really have contact with, other than the other participants around, was my companion.

I don't know if I had mentioned this before--but we almost couldn't make it for this round. Simply because he had taken so long to sign up.

He had expressed the intention some time back but I really loathed it when he procrastinates. So that was in reality what happened.

I had retireved the form. We had gone to the website. The website had said the weekend in May was available, so we zoomed in on that.

God knows why in the end he took so long. By the time he finally confirm-chop-stamp decide he wants to go, the places in June have been snapped up.

So I nagged at him.

We decided to try anyway. Well, July was still a good time. There was no rush.

And we went through the wait list for June...!

Altogether, 30 couples went for the retreat.

Initially, I had thought it was going to be non air-conditioned; everybody was going to be super friendly and supportive; I thought I would be one of the friendlier ones.

I was wrong.

Air-conditioned rooms were available for all of us. The males were housed on level 2 and the ladies were housed on level 3.

Some were normal-friendly; others not so. I, um...I was unusually unfriendly.

Usually, when I meet strangers, I will be the one initiating a conversation. Maybe because I hadn't come alone or maybe it was because I "obeyed instructions" (We were told that this weekend should be dedicated to your partner) so I was stuck in the 'serious' mode. Whatever it is, I hadn't actually made many friends. Looking at it in hindsight, that is quite disappointing; the friends could have become a network of support.

Anyhow...

I thought the camp was ok. Apart for the fact that I had to sleep with the lights on (YES! I thought I was afraid of the dark but at least I sleep with the lights switched off! I have met my match!) and that the food was super oily, I felt the camp has been useful in one sense.

You see, we have been talking about similar topics before we went to the camp. We have communicated about communication styles, expenditure styles, lifestyles...to name a few. We have talked about raising kids, relocating (if we need to), accomodation issues.

And because we have talked about them, the retreat was more of, in his words, an indicator of where we have been so far.

I would say...while I am no expert in relationships, ours are in reality pretty stable. I say that because I saw couples get upset, flustered, and I hear girls bitching about their partners...when they were engaged and were going to be married soon. We, in contrast, just talked.

And no, I do not mean to say we understand each other very well already. I don't actually think that is possible because we are individuals changing all the time. Not to mention my melancholy tendencies can sometimes be a hard shield to penetrate.

It takes a lot to communicate to another individual. For some of us, we don't even have the courage to face ourselves, what to mention another individual.

At the bottom line, it is respect, honesty, trust and faith all bundled together.

...

Initially, we had signed up with the expectation it was Fr. M who was going to go through the weekend with us (it said so in the pamplet).

In the end, to my surprise, it was Fr. O.

I am more familiar with Fr. M because he had come to our church earlier to give us a theology talk...but Fr. O...the only time I remember him was when he spoke slurringly during a session.

I was worried he was going to be speaking in his accent again.

....

In his words, the weekend marked an important phase in our relationship.

I guess so.

You would have realized that we don't always exactly feel the same way about things. But I am still grateful the relationship lasted till today.

I am also grateful that he is in my life, to be frank.

Come middle of this week, we will be celebrating our anniversary. I guess going for EE prior to that made it all the more meaningful.

Because I think, now I can really understand why marriage is a sacrament and a vocation.

And both of us like Fr. O so much now that we are quite certain he will be the solemnizer when we get married.

We like his facial expressions when he shared with us his experiences with parishoners.

We like his inserts of candid comments when he taught us about the basic principles.

I don't know...we just found him very fatherly.

Before we left, we asked him if he would mind coming to our church to marry us.

I don't remember his exact words but he did say he will, with a wink, if his schedule permits, if our church schedule permits and yes, if he is still around in the world.

Of course, he is 78.

Master of science

2009-06-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was thrilled to receive an sms from E.

She had messaged me to tell me about LISS. Interestingly (amazingly) it was the one I had seen on the noticeboard on Sun, and had told myself to go browse the website which I had then forgotten.

More interestingly, I had meant to attend Amplify's LISS, which is scheduled next Sat/Sun. I hadn't because this weekend I am at EE and there were no other replacement classes I could attend.

He does work in mysterious ways.

As of now, I have officially signed up. And E is also officially helping out. In the group I will be in!

...

This is by far the most number of retreats I have ever attended in a year!

Of course, I used to think retreats were nonsense.

I used to think communal living was nonsense. That is why I didn't want to stay in the hall when I was in the University. I cannot understand why people want to share bathrooms and toilets with others. (Yes, you have to share with others when you are at home but that is different, right?)

Anyway. my perspective took a turn after the first retreat this year. Which was yes, my first retreat, which happened before baptism.

I enjoyed that. And finally, I think I understood it.

...

I am still struggling about the paths in front of me.

I have applied to a few schools to do a Ph.D but all I get are rejection emails.

That, must mean something.

But what that means--I am sorry I don't know. I am frustrated I don't know.

All I know is if there were a reason why I want to do a PhD, it would be because the brain gets me excited.

But then many things get me excited too.

...

I have been called a Jack of all trades and a Master of none by R's mother.

I didn't deny it. It is true.

But I didn't like it to end that way so I answered back: I am a Master of Science.

And that is true too.

...

I wish I could be clearer of where I am heading.

I wonder why I don't ever know.

And I wonder if I really am only mean to be a Jack of all trades.

Keeping it in mind

2009-06-11T00:28:00.000-07:00

My colleague asked me if I will continue to work here should my boss renew my contract next year.

I said, it is hard to say. I said I didn't know.

But obviously, that is a lie.

...

I have been feeling rather distracted of late. I think maybe I am hitting the bottleneck again.

Or maybe it is the vacation, which has just lifted my spirit away.

Maybe it is the quarrel between R and I--which made me realize happiness is really meant to be cherished.

But whatever it is, the conversation that Y and I had just now left me more distraught.

Maybe I am exaggering.

I don't know.

I just know--as I was reminded of my father's age, I am also reminded of the passing of time.

Precious. It is precious.

He is getting old. One day, the whole load will come onto my shoulders.

And of course, I will take it up. I am sure I will.

Maybe I may have trouble. Maybe I will fall. Maybe I will cry.

But I will take it up.

The more important issue then is--I must make sure I have planted the milestones by then!

That I would have taken classes in Spain, completed Teachers' Training in India, visited Europe, gone to Kyoto, have a road trip in the U.S.A and danced Salsa in Cuba/Puerto Rico and Argentina Tango in Argentina.

I just have too many expectations, huh.

Why can't I take life in the slow lane?

Why can't I be more passive and less willful?

Why do I want to hold life so hard?

...

And yes, I am going to grumble that life is too short.

And that I don't have time.

Although, weirdly, I also don't know if I am using it in a constructive way now.

I am in a similar predicament as many others. I am at the crossroads and I don't know where to go.

I can of course, continue to work here if my contract gets renewed. But if I do that, the only reason is because life is too slow here.

And I am no longer in that mindset--I want job stability; I want a place that can keep me looking forward and not a situation which I have to keep looking for ways to be forward.

...

R said he has realized there is no point in having the will that all your intentions must be fulfilled; it never happens anyway.

Maybe he is right.

But I choose to think of it this way: If you don't look for ways to fulfill all that intentions, then for sure they will never be fulfilled.

A passionate life...if I put my faith to it.

2009-06-05T00:35:00.000-07:00

I like the article in Mind Your Body which was a reflection by a 45 year-old freelance writer. He talked about the shortness of life.

I like his essay a lot. I kind of agree with him. Or rather, with the Roman philosopher which inspired him to write the article.

Most of the time, we tend to complain time is not enough. We say, life is too short.

But the fact is, most of the time, we haven't been living it properly. We didn't live a life; we merely pass time.

Think about it: (it is a very long article)
http://www.forumromanum.org/literature/seneca_younger/brev_e.html

...

Y commented a few days back that she like the way I live my life passionately.

Well, I am not exactly sure if I am living passionately. I try to, I guess, but I do think it can be better.

Anyhow, I returned from my trip on Tuesday night, but formally returned to work only on Thursday.

It is Friday today, so effectively, I only worked two days this week. So, yes, it has been a short week.

My trip was fabulous. It was a pity that it was so short.

The itinerary stated 4 days, but effectively, it was only a 2 day event. We spent such a long time on the train! It took...around 8 hours? We left feeling that we should have used it as a mid-point, and travel to Redang or Kuala Lumpur instead.

And while there is no doubt about the authenticity of the train ride (since we get to peep into people's backyards and cut across beautiful breath-taking plantations), the gruelling numbness of the butt is just too much to take.

But I wouldn't mind taking the train again though provided, either it is bound for Johor Bahru or it is an overnight train.

...

The trip has left me very inspired. Very very inspired, in fact.

You see. I am an authentic city-dweller. I like sports but I hate the sun because I am scared of freckles.

I hate outdoors because I dislike being sticky because I see all the dust specks sticking to me to emerge as black moles...and not to mention the potential pimples that may pop up.

Yes, I am vain somewhat. So frankly, I wouldn't really opt for outdoor activities too enthusiastically. This time, the trip occurred purely out of boredom.

I had gone with R: I was bored with the things we were doing together in Singapore. I had thought we could do something different...so when the notice came out, I signed up.

The fact is, I like trekking. I remember enjoying it very much when I was in Tioman. I remember I had wanted to do it again. I also remember the times a few of us trekked in Singapore and how I had enjoyed the flora and fauna.

But this trip was just different.

...

The activities were really interesting. In a nutshell, we visited the Orang Asli (the Baqet tribe), played with water in Lata Berkoh, trekked up Teresek Hill and explored Gua Telingga. We even had a night trek in the forest behind the resort.

Amidst the fact that it was humid and hot, I enjoyed myself. I thought I learnt a lot!

I learnt about why the Orang Asli leave the deceased on tree tops and why they moved to other plots of land (they are nomadic by nature). I also learnt about new 'wildlife' creatures like the fire centipede (because its legs are all red and its body is outlined red too), sweat bees, tree snake, toy-looking grasshopper, beetle-looking cockroach.

Most importantly, I was reminded about being "in the moment", something which I had kind of forgotten.

Amid each step I take as I climb up Teresek Hill, I had to be in the moment. It was not about looking forward to the cave or the summit. It was not about the night before. It was now (then). It was the now that will make that one step, should I fall or stand, should I be one step closer or remain.

That feeling is...real.

It was that very same feeling in the cave.

I had remembered distinctly that I had thought of turning back as I started out.

The cave entrance was puny, barely enough for a cat. And I was just stunned that I was going through it! It was dark, wet and soggy inside. I felt miserable.

And I so wanted to turn back! It was just too small, too uncomfortable...too suffocating...too...claustrophic for me. But, because I was in the middle, there was no way I could turn back. I just had to continue.

So, despite not being too certain if I will make it to the end (I suppose everyone can make it but remember my arch was still recovering), I just had to continue. And so I went.

Across puddles of water. Into little drains. Past skinny slits. Under jaded edges. Some parts, I slided down with my butt and my hands. Other parts, I squeezed through laterally.

There was one portion of the cave that is just so prominent: The front part was a big rock and all left was a small hole, half of it was covered by water.

It had looked like a dead end to me. I was almost certain this was the end of the cave, that we had to turn back.

But when the guide told us to follow him and he disappeared practically behind the rock, I was like...OMG...

Yes, we had to duck-walk under the rock across the water to the other side quite literally.

As much as I tried, I couldn't stretch out my legs long enough and my shoes got wet. No choice, I had to get going. Continue..

I emerged. On the other side of the rock.

Towards the end, I got a bump on my head because I had missed the edge and had jutted my head out unknowingly, but my face was stil lit up with a smile.

That cave to me, wasn't easy at all, especially that one threatening rock.

But...the fact that I emerged (with the help of other people on the team--thanks!), I realize one thing:

If I could get past that cave, I don't think there is nothing in life that I can't get past.

Of course, it may not be a sole effort. Of course, we may need other people. But there is really nothing that will be a stumbling block.

As long as you believe.

As long as you put your faith to it.

All the worms in the head

2009-05-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

I am extremely restless today.

Not sure if it is because of my foot or my head.

As I type now, I am still nursing a strained arch. It does hurt, but I can still walk. When the pain gets too intense, I limp.

It turned out that my two feet were and are anatomically different, and that difference had resulted in my strained arch. Well, indirectly.

It is a chain reaction.

I remember walking out of the physiotherapist’s room thinking about “Why?” Not that I am a professional dancer or sports player or anything, but because of the disturbances it was creating in my life.

That I can only hobble. That I had to limp. That I can’t do much exercise.

Having said that though, now, I am glad.

Well, at least it wasn’t a broken leg or something. Or a fractured toe bone.

…

My mum was throwing tantrums last night.

I would have imagined that I didn’t cause it—but the fact that she threw the spoon into the sink in my presence and was wracking things in my presence leaves me unconvinced.

And don’t ask me what I did. I didn’t do anything.

The only thing I did was returning home!

I returned home with a heavy heart (if you remember, we hadn’t been talking much since sat when she insisted I am an idiot and I was stupid). Heavy heart because, I really didn’t feel like going home.

But too bad! There was nowhere I could go.

And so, as I whisked to quickly prepare my food (dinner was not ready), I thought about what I said to R.

I had told him that, if it were an exchange—that I trade a prepared dinner with nonsense—then I can take it. There was no reason to move out.

But what if that doesn’t hold anymore?

I found myself toying with the thought again.

My mum didn't even dry the laundry. My dad had to do it.

And I wouldn't do so agitated if my dad were retired. But he isn't.

And while I feel sorry for him (I offered to help him dry the laundry; he was sarcastic to me), there is nothing I can do.

There are many problems I would very much like to solve...but I can't, simply because they are not my businesses.

Never mind if I can analyse the problem. Never mind if I (think I) know where the problem may be.

It is not my business. Or so my parents would like to claim.

For a long time, I hadn't cried. But last night, I did.

I couldn't help not feeling sorry for myself. Shame on me, I know. We should never feel sorry for ourselves. There are always others in a worse plight.

I know that.

But I really cannot help it.

And I cannot help feeling dismayed that my mum is reverting to her nonsense.

And I cannot help feeling disappointed that no matter how much I give in and how hard I try, that the efforts are just fruitless.

And I cannot help thinking that I don't have the power to stop the chain reaction. This whole sequence of events that can be traced from the birth of my parents.

And I cannot help wondering if I can ever get out of this paradigm; if not, when I will succumb to this whole crazy nonsense.

When it will get into my head.

And crash me rotten.

Better things to do..

2009-05-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

For a long time, I hadn't attended dance class. And when I finally did--after immense encouragement from my friends and colleagues--I strained my foot.

Rather, more accurately, I sprained my arch.

It is weird that I can sprain my arch just like that. Just after one class. I think it was because the teacher didn't make us wear shoes.

Oh well. Too bad. Too late.

So I had to contend with limping home. It was a good thing R happened to pick me up from class yesterday. Else...alamak.

...

The dance class was surprisingly fun.

It felt different. Maybe because I don't feel so inhibited. Or maybe because I don't even care anymore.

I was talking with my colleague (my favourite colleague: Let's call her P) and she told me I should care less about perfection.

Like that time I played the violin for the archbishop, I should look at all these as a gift, and not as a venue for perfection.

I think she is right. These are all gifts that I should be thankful for. The gift of curiosity. The gift of enthusiasm.

...

My mum has not been talking to me for three days. I think it is three days; I don't know.

It started off from Sat, when she asked me to buy some vegetables and I had returned with something she wasn't quite expecting.

She had scolded me stupid, idiotic, moronic...well, the usual.

I had ignored her--I really cannot be bothered with her nonsense.

As much as she thinks I am stupid, I think she is just plain plain lazy.

Lazy and moronic.

So whatever she calls me, I just bat my eyelids and move on.

That night, interestingly, R asked me if my mum had changed.

How would she change???? I don't know.

She still always like to label people as selfish...when actually she is the one all of us have to give in too, for whatever we do...just to accomodate her.

She still thinks of others as being extremely inconsiderate, when she is the one that switches on the light and radio when people are still asleep.

She labels others as stupid...when she is obviously lazy.

She hadn't changed one bit, and I think it doesn't matter, because I know my ways of 'dealing' with her has changed at least.

R asked if I still wanted to live alone.

I said of course!!!

But it is because I can rationalize things out now that I don't feel so trapped and hence frustrated.

I think of it as...in exchange for all this humiliation and vengeful exchanges, I get a meal.

If I had stayed alone, I would probably be eating at 8pm.

So yeah, fair deal.

And since I am staying here still, I can be the cleaner of the house.

Saves me a sum of money when I get them a maid instead.

So yeah, fair deal.

...

So well, she can go on giving me the cold shoulder. I hadn't done anything wrong. She was the lazy one.

And if she wants to insist I am stupid and whatever and whatever, be my guest.

I have better things to do.

(They say that) I am not focused

2009-05-04T23:12:00.000-07:00

As I was reading the entries in my previous blog, I realize I kind of like those entries more.

I think there were more words of wisdom written in there. But of course, because they started on a dark note. It is like starting from the valley. There is a considerable distance towards the top. If one starts from the top, then naturally, there is no more distance.

...

I think my life has been very ordinary, and almost becoming typical.

Not that it is a bad thing. Not at all, in fact.

I mean, it is better to be at ease and in peace with predictable happenings of the day than to be plagued into undesirable circumstances that catch one unawares.

But amidst that ordinariness, I think I am just degrading.

Into laziness and procrastination personified.

...

I didn't get the scholarship.

I didn't even get through to the interview stage! That shows how low my standard is.

And while I'd expected it, I am still feeling disappointed and sad.

I still wonder, what would have happened had I not walked away from Science?

What would have happened had I, when my boss then gave me the offer to work in the Japanese lab, stayed?

I mean, no one will know. No one can know.

Sometimes, I also end up wondering, what would have happened had I learnt ballet instead of piano?

How different would I be? How different would I have become?

No one will know. No one can know.

And so all I have with me is that disappointment.

I can try to console myself with many things: like how I am not that keen on Science actually; I just figured I was more passionate about the brain than I am for any other thing.

Like how PhD will take another three to four years and I would be in my thirties then, realizing that I haven't really led a life.

Like how much harder my parents will need to work in spite of their frail body and bitter bones, should I really get through.

I can say many things--but those, don't take away the feelings of 'lousiness' I feel inside.

R said I am not lousy. I am just not focused.

Am I not focused? I had thought it was the contrary.

R said, had I been more focused, I would have learnt whatever I needed to learn. I would have learnt more about the technique. I would have acquired sufficient skills to gain employment.

R said, had I been more focused, I would have achieved more things.

...and I don't know what to think of it.

Can I ever be focused? I have thought that I am focused.

I don't know...

For now, I only know that I have been struggling with that feeling of the lack of accomplishment since...last week.

I want to see it in a positive light. I want to see it as God not giving me the route because it is something that I wasn't meant to do.

Fine.

Then can someone pls tell me what I am meant to do?

The value of...

2009-04-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

The lady whom I didn't quite like talked to me today.

I don't quite like her because in my first encounter with her, she wasn't nice. Then, I had tried to push the chair back a little little bit (she was sitting behind me) and she was cross. She insisted the chair hit her legs... Not likely because it is not like she is that very tall and hence has that very long legs.

Anyway, she asked me with a totally bizarrely-questioning expression as I sat next to her and whipped out my textbook (I have a test on Sat).

"You mean you are learning Japanese for leisure?"

I said yeah.

I thought that answer was telling enough to stop the conversation but she continued,

"So why did you learn Japanese?"

I couldn't stand it; I said "Because I wanted to work in Japan."

She was like...oh...oki.

And she started telling me how she was also learning Japanese for a while because of work but had stopped it because "since the past two years, the Japanese economy has been getting worse."

And she said the trend had occurred for the past twn so years. And now...blar blar blar

I was a bit fed up. Maybe she was being frank. But the way the conversation was structured sounded like she thought I was stiupid to be learning Japanese.

Ok fine. Maybe I read too much into it. Maybe I am just imagining that she is trying to impose her opinions on the things I am doing.

And I told her...Japan has a few good authors. And the movies are funny. The songs are nice.

I wanted to tell her...I would love to be able to read Norwegian Wood in its original written language. But no, I didn't.

...

Sometimes we do things incomprehensible to others.

But that is primarily because we have a different value system, isn't it?

I am in a small country devoid of natural resources. Pragmatism has been one of the core values instilled unconsciously into my generation.

We measure too many things by its actual value. I am gulity of that.

But I guess it doesn't have to be the value ruling my existence all my life.

If we were always-and only-chasing fads, then I am not sure if my life will mean anything to me in the end.

Then my live is going to be only about work and work and work, since then that will bring me a lot a lot of money, a means which is most pragmatic.

But when I leave the world then, maybe I will be so rich that the only thing I have is money.

For better people. For a happier me.

2009-04-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

I don't think I would have ever imagined myself to be so fortright with S.

Or anyone else.

I would prefer to keep things to myself. Because there is no need to tell anyone.

...

I took very long to decide to let go.

The fact is, I would really love to belong.

But I don't.

I don't laugh at the same jokes. We don't share the same frequency!

But I really wanted to belong.

And so I forced myself into the skin. And I can't fit!

And the harder I try, the sadder I get.

Because I just cannot fit in.

...

There are many nuances of feelings that I had felt.

Like I told S, maybe they are not shallow at all. Maybe they are all lovely, wacky and funny. Maybe. I just didn't get to see it.

It is just that, given the time we had spent together, all I ever saw was their shallow side. So all I can say are the negative feelings generated.

I told S that I felt it was unfair that she always say I am negative in my emotions towards them. The fact is, the many gatherings sent across an implicit message: Unless you are fantastic in the art, else, we don't want to learn about you.

We don't care if you are funny. We don't care if you have talent. We don't care if you speak five different languages or have a cute dog. We are not interested in you.

Oh well...

Maybe, maybe I am wrong.

Maybe, maybe I am biased.

Maybe, it is time that has hampered mutual understanding!

But whatever it is, I have decided to let it go.

I have decided not to try so hard.

I have decided that I will spend my time on better people. Who bother at least to know the Me inside.

Mediocre interactions <-> Topsy Turvy Experiences

2009-04-16T19:12:00.001-07:00

I would have loved to share this during Wed's sharing. I think the message would have reached out to more people then.

But I hadn't.

Something inside me stirred. The words didn't come out. I didn't let them come out.

Maybe it was because the majority of sharings were planned and instructed, and mine seemed to be out of place.

Maybe it was because all of them were touching and moving--each of them sharing their own anedotes of the journey, and mine paled in comparison.

Maybe it was because throughout the journey, I have been talking too much too often. It was time for me to listen. To quieten down and listen to what other people were saying.

...

Andy and Linda shared on their journey exploring the faith together.

It was a very earnest account. Lina shared her initial apprehension--how she has struggled on two previous journeys; Andy mentioned his struggles--how he felt he was ready when Lina approached him to journey together.

I echo his sentiments.

For some people, all they may need is one year, and they see it through the whole phase.

For others, they may need, a few years, or a few decades, even.

I can still remember asking myself a few years back as I sat in the pews of OLPS, when I was going to get baptised. There never seemed to be a good time.

But I still finished my journey. Somehow. Even though many times, I had wanted to run away. Even though many times, I had no answers as to why I am doing this.

So whatever it is, it is the Lord who calls. All we have to do, is answer, when we are ready.

Although I don't really know if the Lord calls all the time--waiting for our answers, or does the Lord only call those who are ready.

...

The second formal sharing was by Gerlinda and her sister. That didn't leave me as strong as impression as Jenny's impromptu one.

No, I don't mean to say her sharing is not great. It is excellent, in fact, as she related on how she transformed from a strong Buddhist to what she is today. Even Gerlinda had thought that the sister would give up halfway--but really, you can't help believe that through Him, all things are possible.

As for me, the reason why I felt more connection towards Jenny's sharing is because I tend to gravitate towards heart-wrenching encounters. I am sentimental. I like things that make me cry period.

And I emphasize, it is just me alone.

Jenny shared on her struggles during this journey. The struggles which were all hidden behind her very strong facade.

I couldn't help not tearing up as I listened to her. Her experience(s) touched me deeply.

It is not something I can imagine going through. I don't even think I can handle it had I been in her shoes.

And as I sat reflecting on her sharing, I asked myself which I would prefer--my very mediocre interactions with God or her very topsy-torvy experience.

...

The last formal sharing was by Devin and his god-parent.

Very lively. Very philosophical. Very meaningful.

I especially liked the part, "....and after Saturday, I have eternal life!"

Wow.

You see, they were all great sharings. Which was why, I swallowed up whatever I had initially wanted to say.

...

As baptism was drawing near, I thought of getting presents for the sponsors.

I thought perhaps, food should do the trick. But alas, we were having an Easter celebration.

I thought then some ornament may come in handy. But based on past experiences...eh...they are really not that practical.

I thought a hand-written note could do, albeit small and almost 'value-less.'

But then I realize...

There was never going to be a gift I could match in value for the work that the sponsors had done.

It was effort from the heart. It was time put away. It was...priceless.

There was no way I could find a gift to replace something that I cannot even put a tag to.

(And no, I don't mean presents are a gauge of anything...)

And it seemed to me, the sponsors do what they do--as the other ministries do the same--because they too had inherited a gift that is priceless.

A gift from Christ which no price can be tagged to.

And for us, the neophytes then, the only way we can truly 'repay' is to do what the sponsors do! To spread the word. (Or whichever other Ministry we so fancy)

I guess that is how Love is spread.

That is why Love is spread.

...

And because I can get such little 'inspirations' from God from time to time, I opt for mediocre interactions.

Within 30 seconds

2009-04-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

It all happened, say within 30 seconds?

Father Chris said, “So, what is your name again?” (Evidently, there is no way he can remember the names of so many of us). And then as Holy water was poured over my forehead, he said, “SSS, I hereby baptise you in the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit”.

And I became a child of Christ—in 30 seconds.

Y asked me if there was any special feeling associated with that very rite of being baptised. “Did you feel different?” was her exact question. The truth is, there weren’t any *special* feeling per se. But I know I am a different person.

As I walked away from the baptism font, I just started crying—again. Because it was like finally, finally I was baptised.

I had waited a long, long time--or so it had seemed to me. One year ago, I had flown back from USA back home from another journey. Then, I was just a month away from baptism.

And it wasn’t like I wasn’t ready. I was ready. I knew I was. I just figured that going through a journey back home was probably more comforting than having to clean bathrooms and chase kids and function as an ad-hoc maid in a foreign land with abhoring people in the same household.

To be honest, I didn’t know how I could have not gone through it again. I didn’t know I could have been exempted had I asked Deacon Joe to write a note to Holy Family to testify to my preparation for baptism.

Whatever it was, it was relief, gladness, mirth…all welled up as I walked away.

…

I have been fortunate to have the support of many people. F, who got baptised the year before last, often recounts to me her experience. Specifically, the one that left me a lasting impression was the ‘swallowing’ the Holy Spirit when she went to the Life in the Spirit seminar. I remember her exact words “[The Holy Spirit] fills you up”.

Yes. That image is difficult to comprehend.

Even on the day of baptism, she had messaged: “May you receive the Lord’s presence…” and I was like…??? How? How do I receive His presence?

Perhaps, I had thought too hard and too much about the Holy Spirit. I had imagined that It will fill me up (like she said) and make me whole. And perhaps, it was that preoccupation with 'filling up' that had taken away the magic of the evening.

Because in the end, I didn’t feel any magical ‘filling up’.

Instead, I felt many other mortal moments.

I remember being touched when I was in the RCIA room as I reflect on the journey and how this would be a night that I will remember.

I remember being moved as everyone stood with their candles, I looking up at the upper pews and seeing the church lit up with beautiful individual candles.

It must have been one the most beautiful things I will ever see in my lifetime.

I remember being very emotional when I pondered about the body-and-blood sacrifice that I had undeservedly earned through the death of the Most Holy One.

And as I see it,

if I am now truly a child in Christ, then it is truly, no longer I who live…and …
those tears must be a manifestation of the Christ who now lives in me.

Yes, all that, after just 30 seconds.

....H-U-R-T...

2009-04-03T00:43:00.000-07:00

I have completed my probabtion period.

Yes, it has been three months into my new place already.

I like it here. More than the former place.

I don't know why. Perhaps it is because the work is more meaningful and I can get along better with the people here.

...

It is baptism next week.

As I look back, I realize that it has been a long journey.

Just the other day, I have had a clash with a fellow elect. What exactly happened is not really important--I think sometimes, we tend to take things for granted.

And really, I cannot but help wonder, among the many of us, who are really ready? Am I?

...

I brought buns to share with my colleagues today. They weren't receptive.

Some of them said they just had MacDonald's. Others said they are very full.

I was disappointed.

The point is, I know that very often, the reason we accept/refuse someone stem from the basic notion of whether we like the person or not.

If we really really like the person, then we will take it...and never mind if we eat it (we usually try to eat it).

Right?

So I was disappointed.

The fact is, I hadn't bought them. R did. And I feel bad that nobody is eating them!

There was supposed to be tea today. It didn't happen because E's daughter is sick.

That, I was disappointed too.

And in response, A said

"That is life. Sometimes, whatever you have planned for doesn't happen. And you are disappointed."

Yes, I guess, that is life.

....

I don't think I would want to bring in food for sharing again.

Why bother. Nobody eats them anyway.

The same way I don't eat the food others' bring.

So...that is how it feels.

Hurt.

Tired...

2009-03-09T01:04:00.000-07:00

The truth, I really am tired.

Maybe it is because of that one late night. Or maybe it is because of my persevering efforts. Whatever it is, I really do feel tired.

...

I have applied for grad school in Germany.

Yes, I know you raised your eye-brows. Didn't I pledge never to study again?

I think I pledge too often too much.

Didn't I pledge never to become a Christian? But ain't I turning one anyway?

So pledges can't be trusted.

Then what can?

...

But the whole application has been very tiring.

I took two weeks to conceive the essay, put it together.

I wrote emails to my mentor stand-in because my Prof had disappeared from the surface of the Earth.

I rewrote and polished up my CV and all.

I mean, yes...it is nothing, is it? I should go through all this if I really want this.

Yes, it is nothing. I am just saying, I am tired.

I am tired of chasing for the things I want to accomplish.

I am tired of seeking.

...

I was just thinking, maybe I should continue my aimless lifestyle as I have led in the past. For whatever reasons did I give it up anyway?

I was contented doing nothing--going to dance class, doing yoga, working a part-time job--even though everyone else was shaking heads and raising eyebrows.

But wait, I do not mean I am happier then. There is no happier then, happier now. I am happy both ways.

It is just that, I am tired now. I feel tired now. I am tired of having my hopes raised, then dashed, believing that good things will happen and then getting disappointed.

I am just feeling that..maybe a life lacking of promises and full of typicalities may suit me better.

Then it will always be mediocre.

Then I will never be tired.

Letting go.

2009-02-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

Last Sat was E's wedding.

I hadn't expect to be invited. But I was, and so I went.

I hadn't expected the others to be there. But they were, and so I had to learn how to interact with them.

Like I have mentioned, the mood is always weird. Since that time at N's wedding. Why, I don't know. I would have thought old friends should be glad to see each other again. Well, obviously I was glad to see them. I just don't think they felt the same.

...

To be frank, I was really surprised to see E and H getting together.

I remember being very surprised. And I am still surprised.

Surprise because for a while, he had been so adamant to try to work something out with T. Whatever happened to them, I don't know. I only know that I saw T with her boyfriend a few times. I suppose things did not work in his favour?

Surprise because marriage was also what he had conceived for us in the beginning. He had thought we will become man and wife. But we hadn't, of course.

And because cracks started surfacing between us only after we have been together for two years plus, I can't help but wonder if he has the maturity to see it through.

No, please don't get me wrong. I do wish them all the best. I do.

It is just...a certain skeptism towards his alleged pledge.

It is the same as other people viewed me, I suppose. We are stuck with that notion in time. Perceptions never change.

...

I have learnt something.

The more you try to hold on to something, the faster and easier it will go.

I say that because when I sit around the table with my group of JC classmates on Sat, I can't help but recall the many pledges I have laid down.

I had told myself I will try my best to make this batch of friends last for a lifetime.

I was determined to make my close friends my best friends, ever.

But nothing had lasted.

The relationship with E lasted about five years before I called it off.

There were five of us who were quite close but I had drifted away.

I kind of lost contact with those in the Elective programme.

Maybe, maybe I didn't really try my best after all.

...

You know. I am starting to like who I am now.

I didn't use to.

I thought I was too fat, too stupid, too big-boned, too foolish, too poor, too hesitant, too weak-willed.

I practically kind of hate myself.

I was not perfect. And I was upset I am that way.

But ...recently, I have stopped feeling this way. Exactly when I don't know. The revelation just came to me last night.

Like...I am supposed to look like an ah-lian now. Or so my aunt would claim, with my highlighted hair and tattoo.

(Actually the highlight is coming off...so I don't really look like an ah-lian anymore)

But I like myself.

Like...I have two left feet actually. I can't really remember dance steps.

But it is ok. At least I try and enjoy myself in class.

Like...I am totally hopeless in Japanese class. I don't really understand what the Japanese script says in my book usually.

But never mind. As long as I improve every day and I am happy learning something new.

And I am more confident.

Somehow.

I am confident of who I am, what I am, what I will become and who I will be.

Maybe this is how it will be when you have found God.

Maybe this is how it will be when you let go of who you think you are, and become the who you were supposed to be.

Chinese New Year for the Chinese

2009-01-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

It is Friday.

So yes, as you can see, I am trying to keep my promise of blogging on Fridays.

I don't blog as much now. I hope that doesn't imply that my life is not as exciting as before.

Wait. But I don't blog about exciting things, huh.

Ha.

I guess that implies that I am not as frustrated as before.

...

I do like my job so far.

Apart for having to wake up in the early morning, everything else is really quite good.

I don't have issues with developing lesson plans for teachers. In fact, I kind of like it. To a certain extent.

It is funny--I used to really want to teach teachers. Now, I don't really have that much of a fetish for teaching, although I think I can do it if I have to.

So as of now, I have developed two modules for Primary School teachers.

Yeah, that is it.

But I have time off every now and then (like now) and I surf the net.

As of now, I am contemplating a Ph.D. I don't know if I should do it though. And I don't know which disciplines to do it.

Yes, it is the same dilemma as last week and the week before last week.

As in the beginning of the year.

Just on Chinese New Year, one relative had commented that I was an 'ah-lian'. Simply because 1) I have a tattoo (which is at least 3 years old) and 2) my hair is highlighted yellow.

And I argued back that I ain't one. For the simple logic: Ah-lians can't study. And I can.

...

Chinese New Year reminded me of the many unpleasant incidents that happened when I was little.

I don't know if I have ever told you, but I had two humbling incidents when I was young.

Three actually, but two were moer heart-breaking because they involved my relatives.

When I was around 5, my uncle ranted at me straight in the face that I was stupid and meant to achieve nothing.

I don't know if you can imagine the scene. A man ranting at a kid. Five-year old kid.

I remember being very hurt and running to weep in the room.

I cried very very hard. I was very very hurt.

It left a scar there.

And when I was around 8, another uncle chided me (I think I shared this before).

That I would be merely his daughter's assistant as his daughter became some lawyer.

I was eight.

And that scarred me too.

His daughter really became a lawyer. I guess I am just glad I am not her assistant.

But yes...such hurtful remarks go a long way.

Especially when the kid is just building up her world, and family is supposed to be a unit to rely on.

...

If all I do best is studying, then why shouldn't I continue?

I can't be like G, who is working for a petrolchemical company and has the luxury of finance and time to play golf.

My mum thinks I am such a waste.

I can't be like L, who has been an accountant for twenty over years, draws a fantastically fat salary and is considering retirement at 46.

My mum thinks I am just not working hard enough.

I can't be like K, who is working in Malaysia and is hitting the 10K mark.

My mum thinks I am just being willful.

So if I am not all that, then why don't I be what I am?

...

I don't really like the Lunar New Year, to be honest. But I will celebrate it anyway because I am proud to be Chinese.

Yes, just that.

Better everyday

2009-01-21T05:12:00.000-08:00

It is just a few more days to Chinese New Year and I haven't really packed my stuff yet.

I don't quite understand myself, to be frank.

When I was in the US, I didn't have problems keeping tidy. My room was always in perfect order. Now...it is quite the opposite.

I wonder why.

Maybe I just don't see the need to be so vigilant and tidy up all the time.

There are no good examples to set. I just want to be carefree about it.

...

I am wondering if I really want to continue studying.

You see. I don't quite like my field.

Yes, I know. I never like what I do. Never.

I always think greener pastures are where I am not.

Yes, I know.

But there really are things that excite me. There really are things that can make my eyes sparkle.

Although being more aware of my escapist inclinations now, I want to make sure I am not just being hopeful about my have-nots.

...

N contemplated sharing her religion with me.

Her mum has always been sharing, and she keeps telling me what a big loss it is that I haven't gained enlightenment yet.

To be frank, that is a little unsettling.

It is getting quite uncomfortable. But I can bear with it still, I think.

It is just that I don't quite know how to decline without being rude.

...

People will tell me many things about my faith.

But...So what if believing in God doesn't bring me riches and wealth? Or a high-paying job?

That wasn't what brought me to God in the first place.

I don't think a religion is only about making big money and fulfilling great ambitions.

Or getting things your way all the time.

A religion is about making you a better person.

And really, I think I am getting better. Or so I decreed to live.

Everyday.

One of me.

2009-01-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

Coming to my second week.

It is Friday. Lunchtime.

I think I will try to blog every week. Just so that I get to reflect? Just so that I air my frustrations, if any.

...

Nothing much really. Except that this week, I am a little more stressed up because I am having a test tomorrow.

I haven't studied much. I hope I can get at least a 60 (that is the minimum I must get).

I haven't been too glad. I think it is because I expect too much.

I wrote to N, who is in Takoma right now. Well, I told her I hope things get better, else, I may just start running away again.

Again, yes.

I think that is what I do best?

I think I like to do that because my legs are pretty long.

Ha.

Z wrote to me. She is in Japan now.

When I read her email, I wonder why I get the impression she is very happy with her job.

As much as I am happy for her, I wonder why I am not happy.

Maybe I expect too much?

I had hoped for this to be a learning process. Hhmm maybe I am learning; I am just not learning the way I want myself to be.

I don't quite know why.

Maybe I start to feel that I do need to climb higher to foster this sense of supremacy?

I don't know.

Maybe I am not humble enough; I think too highly of myself?

I really am wondering.

...

I wonder because like what Z wrote in her email "everything is so daunting"...Maybe I am looking for that feeling of being daunted.

As I am writing now, I feel that I have stayed too long in education. And I am feeling jaded.

Yes, jaded.

And what an irony that I am doing Education Research.

Life is always an irony, isn't it?

...

And the most ironic thing is,

even when I have walked away from a Ph.D years back, I am thinking of going back to school.

Why?

I can't answer yet, which is why I haven't started really looking.

There are many thoughts in my head. Many competing ambitions.

But alas. There is only one of me, one of my life, one of the present moment.

Simple joys of life

2009-01-06T16:31:00.000-08:00

It is my third day at work. Or is it fourth? Um, I can't really recall.

But it has been good.

Um, although yes, skeptics like myself would be quick to dismiss that this is a sign that I will enjoy it.

I truly believe so--that I shouldn't be quick to say I will definitely enjoy it or what.

The 'truth' will be revealed only with time.

...

I went for my first Modern Dance class last night.

Strictly speaking, it is NOT my first class in this genre. It is just 'first' based on my level of concentration.

I have been to previous Modern dance classes but I only remember rolling on the floor and more rolling on the floor, stretching the hamstrings and pulling yourself long...

Well, and I remember that I hadn't put much effort into it. I couldn't comprehend the steps. The exercises didn't make sense.

But I liked the class last night.

No, it wasn't like I had no problems. I just decided that to think less of it and just do it!!!

...

I like my life so far.

Not very exciting. Not very promising.

But it is simple. Filled with simple joys.

I take Japanese class. My teacher is very funny. I plan to take the exam at the end of the year.

I study Spanish on my own. I have taken my evaluations and I am due to be back for class. It is just a matter of timing.

I do modern dance on Tuesdays. It is a completely new activity.

I plan to do dance also on Mondays. My buddy says she is keen. We'll see.

I go for RCIA on Wednesdays. That is tonight.

I do yoga on other weekday nights and weekends. I want to start swimming.

R promised me we will learn Argentina Tango together. I think we can start learning next month.

I have time to meet my friends, date and do volunteer work.

I like my work so far. It is a lot of writing and reading and squirming of eyes and aching of shoulders but it is still ok so far.

I don't have enough sleep but I spend my time travelling on the bus stealing some winks.

Life is good. And I am grateful.

Although I realize...

exploring the world is probably more important to me right now than anything else.

And I will do that.

Somehow. Eventually.

Let this year be...

2008-12-31T17:06:00.000-08:00

"We all need to be noticed". I think Chuck said this in For One More Day, I am not sure. But I do agree.

...

I don't usually hang out with crowds of people. I don't because it doesn't appeal to me.

I crave for intimate small talk where people can tell me about their lives and their emotions, rather than one big group boisterously chatting and discussing the latest fads and trends.

I am a people-people when I am close to most of those hanging around. When it is a big big crowd, I start to feel awkward.

Or maybe, I have always a phobia for people. All these years? I don't know.

...

I am sincerely grateful to C for allowing me to the countdown last night. Although yes really, I do feel very out of the group.

Which made me wonder time and again, from before accepting the invite to when I was there, if I should be there.

I enjoy their company, but does anyone enjoy my company?

As I have learnt, human relations are stuff of heavy maintenance.

For me, it is especially hard because I think too much.

I can't create conversations when I don't even feel that I am in the circle.

Ha, maybe I am too obsessive with vibes.

Yes, yes, I may be sensitive. Maybe even overly sensitive. I acknowledge that.

But that aside, maybe then there really is some truth to it.

...

For a few moments last night, I kind of wished I hadn't chosen my 2008 to end in that way.

No no. It is not that I don't enjoy their company. I do.

They have been so much of my life that I contemplated them being my sisters for my wedding.

But last night, on the last night of 2008, I realized something:

Relationships are a two-way process. I may like someone very much but if that extent of likeness is not reciprocated, then it will only run into a dead end.

....

No no, I don't have many friends.

That is true, really.

Maybe I am too choosy. Maybe I am too selective. Maybe I am too rotten. Maybe, maybe I am just meant to be lonely?

Do I hate that fact?

Yes, of course.

But I can't help it.

I have been trying to mix in, but I haven't been successful.

The way I have learnt: Friendships are fostered over time, over toil, hardship and sweat.

So I guess it is only right that I feel left out since I didn't participate in all four of them.

...

I guess I meant to say, I cherish the times we spent togther.

That they were there to comfort me when I cried, to hold me when I fell.

To laugh with me when I laughed, to teach me when I am stuck.

All that I appreciate. From the bottom of my heart.

And I feel sad that I am amidst the shadows in their hearts' boundaries.

That I will only always be amidst the shadows.

...

It has always been like this since young, and while it is upsetting, I have gotten used to it somehow.

I am a figure of the shadow and that way I shall stay.

There is nothing to lament about; it just needs acknowledgement and contentment.

....

2009: Let this be a year of acknowledgement, discernment and contentment.

All the best for the new year!

2008-12-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

The last blog entry before the new year!

*screams*

I have many things to write about, yet I am not sure what I should write about. Well...

...

I was looking through my stuff when I came across old letters and cards which dated back to 2004.

Gee. What was I doing then?

I had probably just finished my Honours year, applied to do Masters.

2004. I don't know. Feels like a long time ago. Was I like how I am now?

I don't know. I feel that that part of my memory is blocked. How and why, I can't explain. But I just can't seem to be able to access it.

I saw the letter from my friend. So we did write to each other for a while? Why can't I recall that?

What happened thereafter? Was it I who broke the correspondence?

Then, I should feel ashamed.

...

I am feeling terribly afraid.

You see. I look forward to my new job, but at the same time, I am afraid.

Morrie says that is a tension of opposites.

I think so too!

A tension of opposites. Looking forward yet dreadful. Hhmmm...just like how I love dance and hate it. How I love R and hate him sometimes?

Ha...I don't know.

I am heading for a countdown party tonight. And I am quite anxious about it too.

Anxious because it has been a long time since I went to one and I am not quite sure if the company will turn out ok.

Well...I worry too much I think.

Time to start worrying less and doing more!

Thanks for the great friendship in the past year!

All the best to you for 2009!!!

Lesson of the year

2008-12-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

I usually take quite a long time to read a book but in two days, I have finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie. Even R was surprised. When I returned the book to him (it belongs to his sister), he went "So fast?"

Yeah. I guess that meant it is a good book.

Because it is.

...

You must be quite familiar with the contents even though you may not have read it yourself. It is a New York Bestseller so I would assume everyone kind of know what happens in the story.

Yes, it is a story. But it is a true story, I think.

For about fourteen Tuesdays (I think), the author visits his ex-Professor as the latter rests at home due to ALS.

It is their final thesis together, the Professor would say.

The Professor was dying but he decided to make the awaiting of death his final project.

He decided not to wallow in self-pity but instead dedicate his time to more meaningful things.

I am glad he did.

...

The Professor talked about many things, all of which are meaningful.

The fact is, I like it so much that it really doesn't matter even if it is fiction made-up. I willingly buy the story. Fully. Whole-heartedly.

I like how the Professor (and also the author) handle the many issues. From money to the value of life to the essence of love.

You see, we all know these things. We all do.

We all know there is no value chasing after material things. We only end up chasing for more.

But we still crave for it.

We all know we should forgive one another for past hurts and grievances. We only end up with more hatred.

But we still harbour all those evil sentiments.

We all know that we need one another. Humans are a society that need to work with, live with and love one another.

But we end up building little walls surrounding us.

Don't ask me why. I don't have the answers.

But I do know: When death stares at us in the face, all the truth will be revealed.

That is why I say, we all know the truth. We just pretend it doesn't exist because, because we think of ourselves as immortal.

But...we are not.

...

I am just returned from a morning hanging around old folks.

First, R and I visited Ah Kook in the Home. She is our friend.

I can't say I can relate to her very well. I try.

Before, I used to be terribly afraid of old people. After interacting with her, I am not so afraid.

Then, a few of us went to the Gift of Love Home in Thomson Road.

We didn't do much, unfortunately, but we gave them a small token for Christmas.

I am actually quite tired now, but I am happy about how my day has been spent so far.

In a moment, I am leaving the house for Mass. It is the Feast Day of my Church.

I am listening to 'The Priests' Album now. It leaves me inspired and serene.

It is a good day. And for a while. my days have all been very good.

I am glad.

...

I have been feeling inspired these few days.

Maybe it has something to do with Tuesdays with Morrie. All those lessons.

Maybe it is the trip to Ipoh. The blessing of good weather and nice people.

I know for sure, God's grace has something to do with it.

For that, I am glad. Very glad.

Sometimes, when I hear of people complaining about the Catholic Church and its many rules and how they are suffocating and I cannot understand, I am very glad.

I would rather not understand them than have feel that myself.

I am very settled in my faith so far and I am really happy.

...

It is a long rambling entry.

Sorry!

But...as 2008 ends and 2009 approaches, maybe it is time you also take an introspective view of your life.

Has the year been very good?

Or has it been bad?

Have you been happy? Doing meaningful things?

Or have you been chasing one shadow after another.

This past year, I have learnt and appreciated the lesson of mortality somewhat.

I hope you will find your lesson too.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T21:45:00.000-08:00

It is Christmas Day!

Christmas! Yay Yay Yay!!!

But it doesn't really feel like Christmas. Does it, on your side wherever you are?

...

I just returned from a short trip to Ipoh. I had visited the town with R and his family to visit his relatives.

It was a great trip, in that we had locals to guide us to the nice places and the best foods.

But I must admit, it can be a little difficult to be out with elders (I mean it as a general term).

I don't know if I will want to go on future trips together *keep fingers closed* so don't ask me that. Although yes, there may already be one possibility of a trip together again next year. Guess I will think about it when the time comes.

I must confess that R's relatives are indeed hospitable, and I am really thankful for that.

The fact is, they could have treated me slightly aloof (since I am not their relative; only R is) but they didn't. They treated me like family (Ha, I always joke with R in that maybe they thought I was his sister).

I am also thankful for good weather.

You see, December used to be associated with monsoon and landslides and Cameroon Highlands are a big no-no during this time of the year.

But when I was there, the weather was fantastic!! And I am glad.

So despite the few not-so-pleasant conflicts (Since when are conflicts ever pleasant) I am still very very happy!

...

2008 is coming to an end.

I am not sure if this has been a good year or a not-so-good one. You see, that verdict really depends on the parameters.

When I was in the earlier job, in the initial phases, I thought time seemed especially slow to pass. One day practically stretched forever. And it seemed to never end. Not to mention then, one month.

As I neared completion of my Chinese class modules, time seemed to pass quicker.

But it was essentially still in the same domain, isn't it? Time, as it was, will be as it is now, shall be as it will be.

I don't know then why it seemed to pass faster at some points in time and slower at others. Except that the difference was that I was more aimless initially, but I gradually gained ground.

So am I still aimless now?

...I can't answer that!

I am slightly more aware of where I am heading but I am still quite clueless. All I can say is, I want to work towards cognitive psychology or linguistics.

I may end up becoming a teacher. I may not.

I may end up with my ultimate calling. I may not.

I may continue to be aimless. I may not.

All I know is, I don't have the answers, but one day, I shall have them.

...

So what are the hits and misses of 2008?

Let's see:

I finished my Diploma finally (Wait, I should say I kind of finished, because I haven't got my results of my last module).

I took up Japanese (although yes, I am technically the worst student in class but what the heck).

I visted another place (yes, it is still Malaysia but at least I shortlisted one more potential place for retirement).

I started volunteering with SeaGrass.

I learnt that some people are in your life to reveal meaning in other people and certain events.

I understood that lost time is like dead people: they cannot be resurrected.

On the boo-boo part:

I hadn't had the time to exercise so I must factor that in next year.

I hadn't had the discipline to go for dance class so that is something to look at.

I hadn't been able to explore new hobbies with R so next year will be a good time to do that.

I hadn't had the opportunity to visit somewhere far for a long time so I will keep this in perspective.

On this new year (technically, since I am a Catholic and today is the day when Christ is born), as much as I hope to tackle the boo-boos of 2008, I also hope that I will be stronger and more resilient towards any failed accomplishments.

More importantly, I hope that I can really follow my heart truthfully and earnestly, in all that I do.

God bless.

Merry Christmas!

No elation. Just fuzzy thoughts.

2008-12-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why people kept asking if I felt elated.

When questioned on why I should feel elated, the response would be "Cos you are clearing your things/leaving"...

So?

So? Is that the reason to be elated?

Is that a reason to be elated?

...

Tomorrow is officially my last day. But since I am clearing my leave, so yesterday was unofficially my last day.

How do I feel?

No no, certainly not elation.

I think elation is a strong word, mind you. I don't remember ever feeling elated.

Maybe a sense of relief.

Yes, that is it.

Yes, it is that simple!

...

R and I went to the last Swing Fling of the year last night.

On the way there, I can't help wondering why I am not elated.

Is there something wrong with me?

Maybe...it is because I have been preparing for this day.

Somehow. Psychologically.

So when it really happens, the whole effect is mused.

There are no extreme sentiments. It is all just another day.

Or maybe, it is because, really, I don't hate the place.

In fact, there is nothing to hate at all.

Yes, my colleagues and I are in a different world and I have got nobody to share my piece.

Yes, the students can so demanding that I feel like pulling all their hair out.

Yes, the management does suck a bit in fairness.

But then, hey! Are these not part of any job?

The weird thing is, everyone keeps thinking that I must be happier in my new job. Even when I haven't even started!

Why would they know even before I do?

...

I am going to Ipoh for a few days.

As I think about it, I kind of feel it is quite silly. Had I realized I had fourteen days, I would have planned a trip to Sri Lanka! Or even New Zealand!

Oh well, never mind. Some things, it is hard to forecast.

...

It has been a real hard week to pass so I am kind of glad today is Friday.

Although yes, there are turmoils tumbling waiting to be settled.

I am tired. In some ways. And yes, I do look forward to a break.

And perhaps, I really shouldn't dwell on the things that look seemingly impossible to solve.

I want to think about next year.

I want to have a better next year.

I am worried about the job scope, but I am sure I will survive.

I am worried I may get fatter due to a lack of exercise, but I am sure something will work out.

I am worried that next year may turn out to be more sucky...but I am sure God will lead me through.

I am worried about many things,

but I am sure God will lead me there.

Great expectations. An act of pretence.

2008-12-14T16:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the more 'eventful' and unpleasant days that I can remember.

Eventful, because the day was packed packed packed (as Boon would say eventful although it just means a tight schedule). And I was almost rushing from place to place.

(Yes, I am trying to look at ALL things from a positive perspective.)

After Mass it was grocery shopping. Then it was lunch before I head out to meet friends. Before I go to Bugis to change my stuff. Before I go for my company dinner.

So yes, eventful it is.

And eventful my spirits were too.

...

I met up with my council friends in the afternoon. Only 5 of us turned up.

I was disappointed at the turnout. Is it me? Well, I don't know.

Anyway, I still think it was a good meeting (sometimes, meetings can be bad). It was quite awkward at times because 1) we didn't know what to say 2) we don't have anything to say, probably because we have been too out of sync with one another.

And I realise, really, that is how life works. Time moves on and sometimes, we really don't know that person we used to know anymore.

...

Then I went for my company dinner.

I was having full expectations of it initially. But I was disappointed.

Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have expectations of it in the first place. Then, yes, maybe I won't be disappointed.

You see, when I was contemplating whether I should attend (and yesterday, since I was running a bad nose, it was whether to turn up in the end), I was persuaded to.

On hindsight, I wish I hadn't turned up.

And no, I do not intend to say bad things about the dinner. The sashimi was great! The fish was fresh. The layout was nice. The service was excellent.

I just felt...

Yeah, it just didn't feel naturally good.

Frankly, I did wonder if I could stay in contact with them after I leave. After last night, I think I kind of know the answer.

Certain feelings do not need to be explicitly spelt out.

Certain nuances do not need to be explained.

...

This is the Advent week for Joy. So nope, I shan't ponder over why I was disappointed.

Maybe, that is just the way life is meant to be. With expectations, disappointment may ensue.

So that is why, people always say,

Do not expect anything.

Do not.

And I tell myself:

Do not try so hard to pretend to be someone else.

There is no need to pretend.

Bizarre but blessed

2008-12-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

I did something totally bizarre yesterday. So bizarre that I have no clue as to why I did it...except that I was truly hoping for transformation of the heart and I was letting God guide it all.

I messaged my ex- to say thanks.

...

Why is it bizarre?

It is beyond my own comprehension because we have not been contacting each other for so long.

How long...? ..I don't know, maybe five, six years?

If you remember, he is getting married. It is a small world; he is marrying my classmate.

Gerald shared the story of their getting-together: In a nutshell, they got together last year after a reunion set-up unintentionally planned by Gerald and Jeremy.

You know, the way Fate ties people up is bizarre.

...

The last I saw him was when he passed me a birthday present one year after we broke up.

I never really shared the story of our break-up and I don't intend to share it either. But all in all, we broke up because of a difference in personality.

Which is a legitimate reason to split, isn't it.

But that aside, I messaged him to say thanks...primarily because it striked me....

He was the one that got me started in the Catholic Faith.

The one who got me to where I am today.

You see, I used to be a Buddhist/Taoist. I followed my parents' faith. I didn't know much about it, except that we offer incense and fruits and flowers. And we go to temples.

I don't know much about the fundamentals of that faith. Maybe that is why I dropped out finally.

I was highly resistant against Christian friends, because I dislike how many (note, many, not all) of them succumb to the use of peer pressure to get people to attend their Church.

Anyway...

Yes, he started me on my faith journey. Somehow. And I am glad.

And when I thought deeply about it, I should really say thanks...

Simply because if it weren't for that introduction to the Catholic Church, I wouldn't have the desire for more pious partner, someone who can initiate me more in my faith.

And if not for that desire, I wouldn't have met R.

So really, the way God plans events can be quite...unbelievable.

...

We had a Lectio Divina session last night during RCIA.

I remember the priest. I think R and I attended a session at the seminary before.

Yes, that is how rooted in the faith he is. And I am glad.

After the session, we prayed for the deceased Miss Low who died in the Mumbai attack.

Really, like what the Priest mentioned...we, as individuals are all inter-connected. Somehow.

Thank God for friends.

Thank God for love.

The Approaching of Advent means

2008-11-30T02:45:00.000-08:00

A new beginning.

Yes, the Advent Season means a new beginning. In all senses of the word.

...

I am feeling better in some ways, but not so in other ways. To a certain extent, maybe it is because I realize that there is really nothing much I can do except moving on. Yes, it is a necessary truth--moving on.

I came across Gerald's reply to my email and I am not sure why it invoked more feelings of weirdness? Maybe...maybe really, that world is too far past mine and I am already disjointed from the whole facade of JC-friendships. Somehow? Maybe? ...I don't know.

The truth is, I am trying to tackle some doubts and insecurities about my future. The past week has been exciting. I met up with the Salsa gang on Tuesday and danced a couple of songs, learnt that Bennon and Cecilia are getting married and the gang is hoping to do Rueda at their wedding.
Then on Wednesday, I visited L who is now on maternity leave. She is waiting for her baby (hopefully she would have popped by now) whom she will name Emma. How nice to visit old friends. I had missed her wedding when I was in the U.S. last year and only now had I got the chance to meet up with her and catch up. Her place is wonderful...a 4-room place in Commonwealth. As my last day approaches, my work is clearing up as I am slowly handing bits and pieces of my portfolio to my colleagues. Many people are happy for me--they feel that my new place is definitely better...but I am not sure. I really don't know...

And then next Sunday is the wedding reception of another University friend and the Sunday after that is my company's annual dinner. The Sunday after that Sunday is when I will be in Malaysia for a short trip. Something I have been looking forward to, yes.

And while I think the world is almost perfect, why do I still feel empty?

Yes. I feel empty.

Yes, it is the very same feeling people get that feeling when they read my blog or when they talk to me. Well, it is a true feeling. So, you are perfectly right.

It is like, as I tackle news of that Z will be in Japan for three years (instead of two) and N is happy in Washington, I am left wondering about what is left in my world.

...

Turns out that I am connected to the victim of the Mumbai Attack in some ways: she was a fellow parishoner.

It is weird: the world is so small yet so big.

So small that everyone is connected: my JC school mate is R's buddies; my subject is my colleague's best friend.

But then it is so big: I am no longer part of the world of friends with whom I used to be so close to.

Irony.

Yes it is.

But then Advent is a new beginning. So really, I shouldn't brood over these anymore.

Their world has long gone past mine. We have lost the time.

And that, can never be retrieved.

The wrangle

2008-11-27T16:19:00.000-08:00

In the end, I messaged her.

I messaged her because I wasn't sure what was the best way to do it. I had wanted to send her a card (since her birthday is coming soon) but what if she thought I had meant to sabotage her birthday? Then I thought I will write her a letter...but I didn't know how I was going to get the address.

So I messaged her in the end...and then I realized, maybe, I emphasize, maybe, if she were already biased in some ways against me, then no matter what I do, it will be insincere.

It is very easy to be insincere.

I messaged her to say thanks. Thanks for all that she has done. For the notes. For her counselling. For her editing.

I wonder if she can infer that I meant to thank her for the friendship.

But the thing is, once again...there was no response. No acknowledgement.

No no, I am not looking for anything. I am not.

Maybe if time were to be rewound to 8 years ago, then yes, maybe I have reasons to be hopeful. But, but, we are talking about 10 years. 10 years can do a lot of things. A lot a lot of things.

....

I felt a little dismayed last night. So dismayed I couldn't sleep.

You see, I have been thinking after Sunday if I should say thanks. So yes, I have been thinking for 4 days at least.

Then, before I went home last night, I asked my colleague W.

And she asked "What is the point?", I realize I don't have the answer.

The truth is, she is right. Ten years can do a lot of things. "For all you know, she is no longer the same person already."

Maybe she is right. But...

I really didn't mean to have a point in saying thanks.

I didn't know how to cherish people in the past. I am learning how to...

....

I couldn't sleep last night because I was still hopeful that she may drop me an sms to say something.

Anything.

Yes, anything. But no, nothing came.

Like I told W, I remember writing to her. I remember saying many things. And I remember being ignored.

What does that mean? Do you acknowledge it, or do you not?

Am I so much a pain to you now that you choose to not acknowledge me in the end?

And the weird reality is, I can never sit across her and talk normally. I need to see her in a group because I need others as a buffer.

It always feel like a barrier separates us. As to what the barrier constitutes, I don't know!
I don't know. I really don't know.

Is it in my psyche? As in, maybe I have imagined the barrier?

I don't know.

All I know is...

after all these years, I am the only one holding her as a baggage.

I am not good with letting go. That, I know.

But it feels stupid when you thought you were still in a struggle...when in reality, you are the only one twisted with that rope.

You wrangle that rope around yourself.

... *shakes head*

I guess J was right.

We all have such friendships. Friendships which we cherish but can no longer do anything about.

So we can only move forward.

Y, I still wish you all the best.

There is nothing left for me to say. I have said all my apologies, expressed all my thanks.

I am happy that you have moved on.

Guess it is time for me too.

For a season...and a reason

2008-11-23T16:10:00.000-08:00

Some friends are in your life for only a season.

I don't know if this is really true, but that was how I consoled myself last night.

Although I am not even sure if 'console' is the right word to use.

....

I was at Y's wedding last night. And I felt weird.

Weird because I was there, but I kind of felt I shouldn't be there.

It is not that I don't want to share in her celebration. I am just not sure how much she wanted me to be there...

The truth is, we were once best friends. But now, we don't even talk to each other.

So really, when I saw the rest of the gang at the reception table, I can't help but feel sad. Sad because I really don't remember exactly what happened. I can only speculate.

We used to be JC classmates, all four of us. (Gerald, if you are reading this, you know Y too and please note that I don't use a direct abbreviation). But for some reason, I was either dropped out of the gang, or they dropped me out...and the worst thing is, I can't remember which is the case and so I really don't know how to fix it from here.

It was a very big grand wedding reception. Many people were around, and all in all, there were about 38 tables.

Y's friends put together a video for her (and her husband) and the gang was in it, of course.

They said many wonderful things, all of which I would agree.

And never mind that I wasn't asked, I guess I can always use this space to write about my thoughts of her.

As what E said, she was a writer, a person who wrote appreciate notes to people when they were down or sad. And I remember that.

M commented that her GP was powerful, and she was my GP teacher's favourite student. And yes, she was always very halpful.

For myself, specifically, I will always hold the memories of the Graduation Ball dear. I don't know if Gerald remembers anything about the ball...(I suspect he doesn't)

I remember that I went to stay over at her place after the Ball in Shangri-La Hotel. I remember we tried to talk for a while but we ended up not very successful.

I also remember her 21st birthday celebration when she invited the whole of the DC gang with my boyfriend-then on board. I don't know if I ever told her that I appreciate the gesture very much.

...

The last time the four of us were together was at some pizza place in the Forum. I don't remember where I was rushing to, but I do remember not eating much because I was still on a restricted diet.

Whatever that happened between us after that, I really cannot remember.

I would have loved to keep in touch; I am not sure if it was because I was becoming an emotional baggage to her specifically.

As you can tell, I still struggle with issues pertaining to my mum. Then, I struggled and I often confided in her. Now I still struggle, although less.

I remember she was trying very hard to get me to get over issues pertaining to my mum. I think I just didn't learn fast enough.

....But really, I don't know if that was the reason.

Anyhow...

I am happy for her. Very happy for her.

We met in University once by chance when she and her boyfriend (her husband now) joined the Lindy Hop class I coordinated. It felt...weird.

I also remember apologizing to her about the events in the past (whatever that happened between us) but I think she just shrugged it aside.

If friendships ever had expiry dates, then maybe ours had reached its time.

...

I was seated with the DC last night and I am very glad about it. For the simple reason, I would have nothing to say at the other table.

You know...everyone has different prime stages. Stages during which they are truely themselves.

For me, I think it would be during the Primary school (wha! Yes...) and University days. And during my RCIA now too...

This phase is when you are yourself most truly...when you don't feel the need to pretend, to hide anything, when you can just be yourself.

But then again, I do appreciate the people at the many phases of my life. Because it is through them that I am myself today.

Although when I reflect about my JC company, I wonder how many have kept up with the me that is now.

Maybe only Gerald...?

I don't know, but yes, I do feel something for the lost friendship.

And I shall console myself that...

some people are meant to be in your life for a season, for whatever reasons that only God truly knows...

and maybe she is just one of them.

I wish her all the best.

Growing up and growing out.

2008-11-15T21:32:00.000-08:00

I stared at the date of my last post and I thought it didn't feel so long ago.

Then I remembered that...it was November already. And yes, it has been a while.

....

I think the good news is, I am no longer as emo as I used to be.

Why? ...

HHmmm...maybe because I am coping better, or maybe there really are less things to get me emo.

Or maybe I am maturing, so I just grow out of it.

I wonder, do we grow out of everything?

...

My mum went back to the hospital on Thursday for her fractured toe.

Nope. It is not healing.

Please note, I didn't say 'it has not healed'; I said, 'it is not healing'.

So yes! It is not healing.

I don't know. At moments like this, I regret coming home. Which is funny, isn't it?

At a time when my mum needs me, shouldn't I be glad for being home? I should, I think...because I can be of help.

But I guess, I am just not sure if I am more of a help than a dependence.

...

Z is leaving for Japan. She will be there for two years.

I am envious, yes...and I am happy for her too.

The truth is, I have seen her dedication towards her work, and I really feel she deserves it.

I guess in contrary, I am just not too sure of where I am heading, and if I will ever come across such an opportunity.

You know--people often label me as aimless. Yes, aimless.

First, they wonder why I want to go to USA. Now, they wonder why I am in a tuition centre after having achieved a Masters.

Then they will wonder why I am not a teacher when I am in NXX.

Where am I heading, they always ask.

And I am speechless.

Because I know I can't say "Look. I am searching" or "I don't know". These answers are not acceptable.

We are all expected to have answers.

....But why?

Aren't the answers supposed to be real answers? Or are they meant to be cooked up?

...

I managed to meet up with the scholars last night. After a long time.

It didn't turn out as awkward as I would have imagined. Which was consoling.

And I am also glad that I got to sit at a place with H and C across my place. They are the people I can get along more with.

I don't know, but they didn't turn out as distant as I had imagined.

It is not that I have a wild imagination. I think to a large extent, I have been building barriers outside my heart.

I can't recall exactly, but there have been few instances that a meet-up didn't turn out as bad as I had imagined.

Maybe, maybe we do really grow out of things.

...

Just last week, when my dad was cursing and swearing about the apparent ignorance of the whole family, I was almost going to leave home.

Yes. Pack my bags and leave.

I don't think it is a matter of childishness or what; it was more like...I really don't feel that his words are justified.

In fact, when he chided me at the hospital on Thursday (for forgetting to bring the radiograph), I had shouted back.

Don't ask me why. I don't know.

I still love my dad. I am just not sure of the best way to love him.

...

If growing up is like a baby bird being fetched and finally stretching his wings, then perhaps it is time I have the courage to do the same.

Fatty bom bom

2008-10-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

No, I don't know how to spell 'fatty bom bom' correctly so I hope that was the right one.

(If it isn't, it doesn't matter too because you know what I am saying, right?)

...

I am getting fat.

Yes, I am using this entry to warn you that I am getting fat, so that if you should run into me on the street and not really recognize me, that is because I am F-A-T!

And I am still doing my exercise. I guess I am just not as active as before and I still eat the same amount.

*sigh*

So really, when you see me, you don't have to remind me I am fat. I know it. Really, I do!!!!

...

My Diploma course in Teaching Chinese as a foreign language has officially ended, so that frees up three mornings in a week.

I have decided to embark on a more intensive exercise regime to shape up...

The ironic thing is, I actually feel better than when I was in my Dance Scholarship programme.

Yes, I was fitter then but I also had more spells of low blood pressure and all.

Right now, I am on the plump side (as before) but I don't feel dizzy so often.

Maybe really, there is never the best of both worlds. I don't know.

I hope to start dancing again.

...

Maybe I will drag R down to that Argentina Tango class.

Or maybe I may start doing rock-climbing.

Maybe I will take up a Modern dance class.

Or maybe I will just be lazy and continue to get fatter.

And become an authentic fatty holding some boms boms.

Better, or not?

2008-10-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

It is the Deepavali Public Holiday and I am very glad for the opportunity to...rest? Well, kind of, more of cleaning up the house.

Yes, my place is very messy. I am very messy, to be frank.

My place is so messy that we would qualify for that variety show with Kym Ng as host and doubling as a broom.

Never mind if you don't know the show--the message is, my house is dirty and it needs cleaning up.

...

I am not sure if I have officially announced it (I can't remember and I can't be bothered to scroll my past entries): I have tendered my resignation.

It came as a shock to my colleagues, for whatever reasons I don't know.

Maybe like what O likes to say, I am too docile (note, submissive may be the other dimension to its actual meaning) and so, like the docile pandas who don't bite, I was probably expected to sit here through the rest of my life.

Then maybe there are others who feel that I am at the top of things, and since I am handling everything so well, there is absolutely no reason to go.

Of course the list goes on.

It is a very hard call, as I have explained time and again.

Life is good, but I don't crave for that kind of a good life.

I am not sure if you know what I mean.

The simple truth: holding a job is not only about being at the top of things or being submissive.
For me, it is about seeking my vocation. The very meaning of my purpose.

That aside, I guess what is most upsetting is that they didn't try to make me stay.

Although frankly, I was thinking to myself, maybe they knew they can't...since I have another job offer waiting already.

When I went into the office with E, she was obviously more concerned about the possible conflict of interest.

Come on.

How could there be when all I do now is modifying exam questions and teaching the syllabi the Ministry has set and I am moving on to shaping schools and teachers' psychology?

More interestingly, I think she kind of asked if the job were a better one.

No, I said, I can't say if it is better.

How would I know? How would I judge?

...

If you think about it very hard, every single choice would be the best possible, so there is really no better one.

No, the quote didn't come from me, and no, I don't remember where I have seen this.

But it is true, isn't it?

At every juncture of a decision, you stop and ponder and make the decision because you would have believed that it was better.

If not, you wouldn't have opted for it.

Like me, I didn't want to be pigeon-holed as a teacher. I didn't want to be in a position which deals with the transmission of knowledge.

So I opt out.

But that doesn't mean being a teacher is not a good thing. We all need teachers. I am where I am because of the guidance of my teachers.

It just means that at this point of time, not continuing to be a teacher is good for me.

It may not be better but it is just something I have to do.

...

The truth is, vocation is a very elusive thing.

It competes with the other more important things in life, like your remuneration, your sense of satisfaction, the prestige and social status.

I remember telling Q, the new position excites me because I know this is a possible output of the training I have had.

And I was telling M, I am one research assistant versus one of the many other teachers here.

No no. I don't think it is about being important.

I can still be important here, if they had valued me as an indvidual.

But from the very shallow questions they ask, I know for sure no, I am but another 'teacher' mould.

...

So really, I can't comment if my new position will be better.

For one, it is not better since I have to travel to the other side of the island.

And two, it is not better because the pay is slightly lower (Q asked in shock why I hadn't negotiated).

But then, at the end of the day, what matters as I am taught by R, should exceed all this very mortal considerations.

As long as it fulfills your missing link, it is in all sense, better already.

Impending doom...

2008-10-09T19:03:00.001-07:00

I went to see a doctor this morning. On my way there, I contemplated blogging many things. But I was hesitant, because I didn't want you to get the wrong idea.

Sometimes, things can go the wrong way. The wrong message can be intended.

...

I have got chest pains for many days now. It started...from Monday, perhaps? Or maybe earlier, I don't know.

And while I would like to shrug it off as 'nothing', I have to admit I have been going to bed with the fear I may not wake up to see the next day.

Yes, really.

Every night, I seem to feel that my heart is having an arhythmnic beat. I seem to feel 'an impending doom', as the doctor put it.

So yes, I am glad to wake up every morning to realize I hadn't died in my sleep.

....

Once again, the latency period is getting longer and longer. I know.

It is not that I don't want to blog; the many deadlines competing for attention makes it almost impossible.

And I was asked by B: Why do you like to try many things? (Or did he say everything? I can't remember)

But I am bored. Easily. That is why I like to try everything.

I am bored with living in Singapore. That is why I went for the APIA programme. That is why I would want to work overseas.

I am bored with my work. That is why I want to change my job (and by the way, I am changing my job come 2nd Jan).

But I am adventurous (or so I would like to consider myself). That is why I like to try everything.

That is why I dared myself to go for the Dance Scholarship Auditions. When I obviously have one and a half left feet.

That is why I can attend language classes on my own. When my brain capability is obviously not huge.

....

I don't know what impression you gather from this entry.

No, I hope you didn't think I am writing it as a death-note sort of.

But seriously, I do wonder...why is death so scary?

I find it scary. I do.

But why is it scary?

That, I don't know, although I would associate it with the fact that being the ending of your many encounters on Earth, it is bound to evoke some nostalgia.

...But if you had been seriously living your life, would you still be scared?

Well, I am absolutely cluesless about that.

Anyway, the doctor said I shouldn't have a heart attack.

So then, it should get better.

=)

Not immortal

2008-09-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

The last time I have to wake up so early was probably when I had to leave for Boston from New York.

Or was it earlier? I can't remember.

Whatever it is, leaving the house when the sky is still dark and then moving around under a dark sky does feel kind of sad.

Somehow. I don't know why.

...

I was at the airport at 4am this morning.

Yes, this morning. Today. Just now.

But of course, I wasn't the one leaving for anywhere, although I would have gladly wished for so.

I went to see N off. She left for the USA this morning.

She is one of my very good friends, and of course, being the very sentimental person I am, I shed some tears.

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

You see, she is one of those people I would turn to when I run into problems. She is one of my advisors.

And so yes, I am very emotionally attached to her.

We meet up to go for coffee occasionally. We try to go dancing when there is a crowd.

So that's one less of the Lindy gang. *sighs*

...

When I think about N's work stint, I start to think about many other things.

Is life really about things happening because you want it to happen or is it because it is planned as such: that you will want it to happen, and it does?

Well, I guess I will never find out.

Going overseas to work is one of the many things that N and I had wanted to do. Now she has done it, so where am I?

As I left the airport with R this morning, I asked him this question, "Will it ever happen?"

You see, I can't see any more open doors. The doors which I have tried knocking, never responded.

Why, I don't know, maybe because I don't have the key.

Or maybe because I am not qualified to enter those doors.

Or maybe it is just a matter of waiting.

Although the situation may then very well become: you saw another door opening and you enter it. Just as you were entering it, the door which you have always been waiting for suddenly hinges a bit...

...

Yes, I am thinking a bit more this morning.

It has been a month since I last wrote, so maybe all the thoughts are pushing for revelation on stage.

...

When you think about it seriously, you will realize that life is truly not immortal.

So maybe it is time for me to start to live with that frame of mind:

That I am not immortal.

shouts

2008-08-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

The apple is ....

I can't find a word. Crumbling? Rotting?

Nah.

The apple is just not herself.

Feeling overwhelmed and stressed and sick.

Stomach is feeling very bad, probably due to the ocha I drank so late at night. My sleep was interrupted with persistent cramps last night.

I only remember having cramps during that time of the month, so to have cramps after tea (implicit meaning being, it is not that time of the month yet) is a bit disturbing.

...

I skipped class this morning.

Porque?

Because I am really feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and dejected and overwhelmed and tired and overwhelmed and pissed off and overwhelmed.

Count the number of "overwhelmed" please...

I haven't done my Japanese homework. I haven't given the Works of Mercy project proper thought. I have been busy.

With what?

Aiyoh, I don't know!

Busy doing nothing!

I don't know...maybe it is the hazy weather.

Nah, it is just everything. I am just too bored.

I met up with N last night. After work.

Yes, I was tired, so maybe that is also why my mind is not thinking too properly.

(4 things get me cranky: when I am hungry, thirsty or tired, or urgent)

(Yes, that was not proper English, and yes, we are supposed to be on a Speak Good English campaign).

...

I just find myself so disorientated.

And I think it is partly because I get bored too easily.

And then I don't like to get myself entangled with seemingly stupid things.

So I keep running.

I thought N was quite sharp in pointing that out:

I like to choose the path of most resistance. Everytime.

And when I do a thorough reflection, I think that is true.

I never did Biology in O Levels. I just decided I will do it at JC. I was one of the two in my class and few in my school to do that.

I never really had dance training. I just decided I will go and try out for the dance scholarship auditions (ya la, that is why I didn't do well in the scholarship either!!!! Hahahahaha).

Now, I have a M.Sc. But I want to do a Ph.D in lnguistics.

I have had 6 years of training in Science, but I want to do Communications, or Defence.

Why?

Because I am bored.

And really, that is NOT good. Not good at all.

Because I am so bored, I am always chasing.

Chasing for the seemingly distant.

N was saying...most people will just not bother and stay in the same field.

Because really, it takes double the energy to do something else.

Imagine...(I gave this analogy to R) you are walking 12km in the Eastern direction to catch the sunrise...

and then you decide that, ok, I don't want the sunrise anymore, I want the sunset, so you start running in the opposite direction.

Crazy?

I don't know.

The way I see it, it is worth it, I suppose.

Just that at moments like now, I am really tired. Tired from all that running.

...

This is the hardest period and so when G called and demanded why I had to void the appointment on Sat, I was quite cross.

I thought we were best buddies? Surely she can understand my situation and my stress?

I don't know. I never asked her in the end.

The truth is, this is really the worst time now. I know for sure, once I get over this, all will be good.

I have a test on 17th Sept. Another on 21st Sept.

I am in the second last module of my Chinese Diploma course. It will end next month.

I am vigorously writing resumes to apply for jobs. I may have a psychometric test next week.

I still have a few resumes unwritten. I don't have time to write it.

My close friend is getting married on Sept 14. I am her in jie mei team.

My close pal is flying on 27 Sept. I would want to spend more time with her, but I can't.

I want to join the volunteer group with R. The orientation is on 27th.

Yes, the world please crush me. I ask for it.

...

I am fine.

I just need to let it out.

Whatever. Anything.

2008-08-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

She is starting her bad tantrums again.

I don't know what has got into her, but I am seriously quite fed up and I am seriously wondering just how am I able to live with her?

Never mind, thinking about such things doesn't really help unless I have a solution. So since I don't, then I should quit brooding over it.

...

To my utter horror, I realized I have put on weight.

Around my waist/hips/butt area.

Frankly, I am not sure if it is better that the weight gets directed ONLY to my face (as in, if I have a choice on where I can dispose the fat) or to my butt. Maybe it doesn't really make a difference.

It doesn't really make a difference to other people --or so I hope-- but it makes a difference to me.

Hhmmm...

I have decided to embark on a masterplan to lose that cellulite. I am not sure if I will succeed, but I will try!

And rest assured it is not some crash diet that will set my anorexia streak off again.

...

After my apparent failure to secure my dream type of a job, I have decided on other ventures.

I guess...I will do a short trip in India next year and then plan on.

When I met up with Y on Monday, he was all curious about when I will get married.

Frankly, I don't know. Maybe, never?

Ha. Who knows?

I hope I don't sound too down again--everyone always ask me why I sound so down in my entries, and even though I am trying to not let that melancholiness slip in, it still does somehow sometimes.

My writings are melancholy by nature. But that doesn't necessarily imply that I am.

Just like...I may look very indifferent to many things (like my weight and my image), but I may not actually be.

...

And no, I am not planning on moving out, although yes, staying with such an eccentric being can be nerve-wrecking.

I have moved on that, so I will not consider that.

I mean, most importantly, it is because I will eventually move out--someday in the future. Being here is not permanent.

If only I can adopt the same perspective towards my job.

The next move

2008-08-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

I had my oral in the morning. I got 90 marks, which is 1 mark short from the A+ I was aiming for, but I suppose its good enough.

The teacher said I had problems with sh-/s, zh-/z, ch-/c. Hhmmm...I thought I was ok...but I guess I wasn't.

The more ironic thing is, the friend whom I have always been 'tutoring' got better comments and higher marks.

I guess that is the difference between consciousness and complacency?

Sometimes life is like that. We tend to think too highly of ourselves.

...

R told me to give the process a few days. After all, didn't they say that they would complete it in 10 days?

Yes, they will complete it in 10 days. Which means if I had got it, I would have heard about it.

But I haven't heard anything.

So I think...

yeap, you know what I think.

Is that fine?

Yeah, kind of.

Kind of because I don't think it is so much of the job as the fact that I didn't get selected. You know what I mean?

I don't know if this is a manifestation of the altered ego or whatever, but I do feel disgruntlement wheneve I think of this and my previous scholarships lapses.

In what way am I inferior?

Hahaha...sorry, as you can tell, I am feeling quite egoistic today.

Never mind me. I can be quite unfathomable sometimes.

...

It is Wed, my day off.

Just when I was happily contemplating about the change in work hours following the termination of my sat class, I was told yesterday that I will continue to take the class.

One of the students had called in to request that I continue to take the class.

Aiyah. So sad. So sad because I was hoping to work shorter hours on Sat.

But that aside, I have been trying to decipher the significance of that encounter. What is God saying?

I don't know.

Anyhow, I think I will take a nap before I find some time to exercise, and try to study my Japanese. It can get tiring sometimes, and I do wonder about the significance of learning Japanese. The class is fast. I don't know anyone. And it is on a Sunday.

I just hope it will be useful the way it can be.

But maybe I really shouldn't think so much.

Maybe I should just concentrate on my next resume and the next advertisement.

I took a day off today...

2008-08-04T00:51:00.000-07:00

I am back from my test. It was really a hard nut to crack.

The test lasted three hours plus. There were four components to the test, and I kind of felt it was really gruelling, especially towards the end, when I am already so mentally exhausted.

The first section was still ok. I had to edit a four-page long (pseudo-) speech. It was frankly quite difficult, but still manageable. The second part was the analysis part. Aiyoh...that one was really long. Imagine forty MCQ based on a three-page essay. *shakes head*

We had a break before the third section, which was on reasoning. I completely cannot get this, as in I didn't even understand the answers to the sample questions (and I didn't clarify because I don't think I would have understood either). There were forty questions which we had to complete in thirty minutes--yes, do your math.

The last one was the breezer, although I really wasn't sure if it will be useful a breezer to me. Skali by the second section, my scores would have me axed already? I don't know.

...

How am I feeling?

Well, a little lousy. I mean, I kind of really hope I will get it but then again, after sitting through the test, I am not sure if I have the calibre. It is a tough selection process--it really is. Behind the supposed glamour and champagne glasses, a lot goes into the job and maybe, I am really not the kind material who can withstand such pressure.

That being said, I still feel lousy. Because I take pride in my abilities, and my exhaustion at the test seems to suggest that I am perhaps not as mentally agile and able as I would assume myself to be. Maybe I wasn't ever mentally sharp and acute--I just assumed I was. Maybe I have been wearing too big a hat, and now my eyes can't take the glare.

Anyhow, I am still glad I got the experience. I really do give thanks to God for the chance to even go and sit the test. The truth is, I would never have expected myself to walk in that road into the building to sit for the test. I would never have envisioned this opportunity for the experience.

And I thank God for what I have gained thus far.

The test is the first step to a three-part recruitment process. The fact that my application was considered is something I am glad about, and everything else is really a bonus already.

The truth is, it is really amazing how I can tell myself to look at things with such a mindset. Maybe this is what it feels to be touched by the Holy Spirit--there is nothing else in life you cannot face. You just take the rest head on, simply because you know God is there walking with you.

I told myself, before I went for the test, that really, some things are just meant to be. Prayers are never not answered as I had realized; they are just not answered the way you thought it would be. For me, this episode particularly, I am thankful I got past the preliminary stage (I had to write 2 200-word essays). Should I get it (which I probably won't), then it is God's will that I get to be in Singapore for the next couple of years (and maybe be a facilitator for the next RCIA journey). Should I not get it, then maybe it just means I really am meant to be a teacher after all.

I don't know if it looks like I am 'resigning to fate'. I took a long time to grapple with that too. I mean, you know how I am. Headstrong. Focused. Determined. Obstinate. I want to see the world, feel the world and run with the world. Such am I!

But I have also realized,...

we really do have certain roles. No matter how hard we run or shrug from these, you cannot deny the very purpose which you were created for in the womb.

...

Sorry if this blog sounds so 'serious'. I don't often have the time or the mindset to sit down and blog. It is great that I have some time today (I took leave today to go for the test, and I console myself by saying that I don't have to take more days of leave for the next rounds)....

Life goes on.

So the next thing for me is to apply for the JET programme. I will still keep trying.

A compilation of random thoughts

2008-07-29T23:02:00.000-07:00

It is finally coming to the end of the month again.

Yes, I am sure you are as happy as I am if the last day of the month is your scheduled payday. Though yes, it is quite sad, isn't it, for one to hang on for a whole month just for that one day.

Well, life is like that.

I am not in too good a mood now (I didn't use today because I woke up happy and I went to class happy and I came back happy). Why, I don't know, although I suspect it has something to do with 1) my hair which is getting too long 2) the weather which is really humid and hot 3) the ugly-looking Salmon fishhead which would not have been had my mum let me take over the cooking (and 4) the fact that she cooked my lunch so late and I was so hungry already).

Anyway, never mind. Hopefully I will feel better after my nap later.

...

I met up with some of my University friends last Sat. I met them after work.

It was good to see everyone again. F is in NParks. D is in AVA. H has joined the teaching force as well. T is still trying to finish his thesis. X is looking at getting married next year. G has one more year to go.

I told them I am working in ...

We talked about many things, and I thought it was funny that only now can I participate fully in a conversation about 'what is the difference between a moss and a fern?"

Life is funny, isn't it?

I did Biology in University, but after four years, I can't answer that question, not until now, after I have started work at this place when I have to go back to the very beginning of my first year of Science lesson...(and yes, I do literally mean my first year of Science lesson.)

What is the difference between a frog and a toad?

Does a fish have ears?

...yes, please continue rolling your eyes. Come on, we are Biology majors. What else you expect us to talk about?

So maybe I was meant to be here after all.

Amidst all my reluctance and dissatisfaction, maybe I am really in the right place.

Somehow, I am reminded about the module I am doing right now. The teacher has a habit of doing recollection--as in, he will periodically get us to refer back to our original starting point and then reflect if the delivery rationale has been touched on.

And so I do the same.

The truth is, while it is a no-brainer kind of a task, I did learn new things.

I do better formatting now. I am more familiar with mathematical models for Primary School. If I ever want to teach private tuition again, I bet I can command more money!

Ha...

But really, is that what I am searching for?

Somehow I am lost once again.

When I have that meet-up with all my friends, I was striked by one thing: They all have something they are good at, and hence passionate about.

F likes plants. Give her any tree and she can tell you the scientific name. H hopes to do something related with the environment. G wants to know even more about ants. S and D just like Biology in general. X likes teaching.

G asked me if I will go back to research.

...I don't know. I like my brain experiments. But where can I continue doing it?

But more importantly, the bottomline question is, what do I like?

Why do I find that question so hard?

I like atypical things. Can that do?

I like uncommon fates. Unusual choices. Unique plights.

Will that do?

...

Y who has recently joined the company is going to leave for TSMI.

She has barely been with us for a month.

She told me this little secret yesterday after lunch by chance...and while I was surprised, I was quite expecting it.

Like I said, the job is a no-brainer.

No no, I don't mean it as an insult to my colleagues who have been there for a long time. I personally find it a no-brainer and I think Y does too. I think people who have done research will feel so.

How many questions can one clone? How many scenarios can one think of?

I don't know. I don't have an answer to that.

And I guess what is more important is, I don't want to think that I have an answer to that.

...

I have a written test for my dream job next Monday.

Frankly, how much of a dream it is, I can't really say. I can only say it is a dream because it is uncommon, it is atypical and it is unique.

It is the kind of a job that I would want.

(Please note, I didn't say "It is the job I will want")

Anyway, the whole 'test' will take me around 5 hours. Why, I don't know. I can tell you next week though.

But I guess I just meant to reiterate one thing that R brought up (that I have problems accepting):

If you get the job in the end, then maybe it means you are not destined to go to Japan.

If you don't get it, then maybe you have a chance to go to Japan.

If you don't get to go to Japan, then maybe you are destined to be a teacher.

It is a little hard to accept, but it is true.

And all I can do is just to let things be.

Maybe at the end of the route, I return to my starting point.

Is that a trip wasted?

....

There are no trips wasted.

There are only wasted opportunities.

A fast chicken or a slow eagle

2008-07-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

I just came back from the doctor's.

Yes, how pathetic is that--to have time to blog only because one is sick.

Ha...

But no, I am not saying that because I feel sorry for myself, or what so ever.

I am glad I have the time (and clearness of mind, if there is such a phrase) to blog. As a matter of fact, I am really feeling quite drowsy. After this, which hopefully will not take me too long, I shall head for bed.

...

I hate Fridays. I really do.

I have two rascal classes. But well, maybe they are rascal because I am not that good a teacher.

I don't think I have had the opportunity to tell you about what has happened:

I have been assigned two P3 classes, which are well, like I said, rascals.

Yes, they are cute--as all P3s are. But they are really naughty.

And that drives me crazy.

Now, because a fellow teacher is going on maternity leave UNEXPECTEDLY, I have been given another class.

No, I don't like gifts in particularm especially not classes.

But I don't have a choice. So really, that only makes me more afraid of Fridays...

MAYBE that is why I fell sick today! My mind is too worried!!! (Yes, the new scehdule starts today.)

I am frankly quite pissed that I have to cover for her for two months.

No, I am not pissed that I have to cover her. I am pissed that I have to cover that timing, which leads to me having no dinner. That *shakes my head* is really very bad.

...

I got my HSK exam results today.

What can I say except I am disappointed?

I got the minimum marks but I didn't satisfy the 3 out of 4 criteria to get A.

So sad, ah...

So the next question is, do I want to retake it?

Do I want to put in the effort to try for an A again???

I don't know...

...

So what am I doing right now?

It is still the same kind of lifestyle.

I attend morning class on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. I work on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

And yes, I am looking at other jobs, although frankly, I really don't know what I can do.

I mean, I sometimes really just feel--is there anything I can do?

Sometimes I feel that I am really skill-less so all I can do, is what I have been doing.

That makes me sad, yes, but is that not reality?

I don't know.

I know this entry is a little unlike my style...please forgive me; I am really drowsy.

Maybe if I feel better in the evening, I will write about my thoughts....but before I pen off, I have this question:

Would you be a chicken that runs the fastest, or an eagle that flies the slowest?

Think about it.

Really, give it some serious thought.

it's been a while

2008-07-02T01:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging for a long time. I think it has been about a month.

Sorry if you have been wondering what has happened to me--if I had left the country and the such, or did I get married and am hibernating to have kids?--I am fine, and I am doing ok.

I have just been busy. Really busy.

But I have more or less settled into the pace. An exam is due in two weeks' time. That is my Chinese Grammar exam. I had just taken a test for my Jap Ele 1. I passed and my next course is due to start in a month's time.

I have gotten back one of my exam results (the one I did before work started). I did quite well...maintained my standard.

Right now, I am just waiting for my HSK exam results before I execute my next move.

Yes, I am not leaving the company as yet.

There are many reasons for this and one prevailing one is because, I am teaching P6 kids and I do not wish my departure to disturb them in any way.

And I was reasoning it out to myself: This job does give me flexibility of time in terms of completing my Diploma. For that, there is reason to stay on.

That is enough justification, is it not?

...

My life has been pretty monotonous.

It is the same schedule week in week out. I am thankful about the regularity.

And when I am at work, I just try to do my work. I am fine with my colleagues but I still find it difficult to penetrate the cliche.

But it doesn't really bother me anymore. Maybe because I know I am going to be there only for a short time.

Time can really do many things. =)

And yes, while I still feel I am not fulfilling my life's value by being here, I console myself with the uplifting side of this job.

So yes, life is great!

If I should be duh now

2008-06-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

I thought the worst was over.

Well. I guess, it didn't quite turn out the way I thought.

But I was still glad.

I am slowly learning how to look at things from a different dimension. And I am glad about that.

...

They called and asked me to cover one teacher's class.

Exactly why I don't know. All I know is that the teacher took urgent leave once again.

I was already covering a class at 1145am. And they wanted me to do one at 2pm.

My own class was supposed to be 315pm, which means yes, I would be late, but it would be ok.

Diao.

And I wouldn't have minded it one bit had I prepared for class already, but the truth is, I hadn't.

I think most people couldn't understand that. Even my own colleagues were baffled.

Well, I didn't explain. I don't think I need to.

If you think I am inefficient (and you can go tell the boss for all I care), and I have done my best, then the implication is pretty clear right?

I was on MC on Mon. I was preparing for the Thursday's class on Tue. I was off on Wed. I was preparing for Fri's class on Thursday. And I was preparing for Sat's class on Fri.

Day in day out, I have been doing so much Math until I am sick of it.

Really.

I was also asked on Tue to take over some classes on Fri. '3 days notice, ok lah...?'

Yes, ok la if I sit around all day.

Please lo.

...

So I also don't know why I just cry.

I cried very hard in the toilet until the auntie asked me if I wanted to talk.

And I told her how I felt.

I don't mind being a trainee, but please make it fair.

And really, the more I think about it, the angrier I am.

In fact, I was crying more of anger (win already, I really cry because of everything right) and injustice.

I told the HR afterwards that I don't really care a d*** about this job.

Please lo. Training--where is it?

Please lo. Trainee, without training--till when?

Please lo. You are trying your best--can you at least show some transparency?

...

So what is the verdict now?

I am searching. But I will be here till I find something.

The rule here is, a two-month notice is necessary after confirmation.

Well, ok.

Technically, I am not betting on anything. I am just telling myself,

God-willing, His Grace will descend upon this situation and offer me an alternative.

Else, by His Grace, I will stay here till the end of the year (actually, after I finish my last paper, which is in Oct), I think I will be ready to go.

...

I had a talk with Y.

And really, think about it.

This is a secure place, yes. But this is a place with limitations.

You really must be contented with what you have already to want to stay here all your life.

Am I not contented?

Maybe.

One thing I am sure, it is a place for me to kill time as I am finishing up my Diploma.

But it is not a place to soar.

And no, I am not saying that I am an eagle. For all you know, I may just be a little chick incapable to fly.

But at least, I know even a little chick I may be, I seek to see the skies and be around where eagles fly.

...

For all who are wondering if I am in a better mood...I think yes.

I am slowly seeing my direction. Like I said, I stay here to kill my time.

Yes, there may be better ways to kill time. More productive ways too.

But till that option opens up -- I am knocking already; but not all doors are opening -- I am glad with the current duh way of life.

We all need to be duh once in a while.

So let that be now.

Not letting go...

2008-06-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

If I had blogged earlier, my sentiments would have been completely different.

I would have written, "I don't usually believe in taking drugs for my nose. But last night, I had to."

"And because of the drug, I had the luxury of sleeping to dawn without my usual awakenings throughout the night."

"Some people live their life like that. Hoping to just engage in the motion of living till the point of death."

"It is not an apt analogy, but maybe that is how life is, for the many of us--always in a slumber, always asleep."

And that was supposed to continue into something very uplifting, like "And to think that I have always thought I knew myself best."

But yes, I have not written the moment I woke up. That was my mood then.

Now?

I am quite pissed.

But worry not, amidst my relaying to you the turn of events which made me piss, it will still be along the same line of being inspirational.

=)

If I haven't told you, I have made up my mind to leave the place.

Yes, if you have been faithful, you would be known.

Where to? I don't know.

And actually, that doesn't quite matter. Because I continue to believe that God will lead me to it when it is time.

When it is time.

When is that?

I don't know. And I was going to share about some interesting revelation I have come to discover for myself.

You see. I am pretty independent.

I don't mind doing things alone. As you can probably tell from my learning dance, to yoga, to Spanish, to going to America.

There is nothing too daunting about being independent.

But I kind of assume that I am so independent that I will never do anything for anything if I have the chance.

Call it fair trade.

Because I don't ever want people to do anything for me.

That spells potential for emotional blackmail. So yes, that has always been my philosophy.

Until the day before yesterday. (Wait, I am not sure if my blog is still in US time. Anyhow, it is Sun night on my side when the conversation occurred.)

I was asked a question, on whether I will do something (that I can't even stand to do now) for the person.

I went to bed, very unsettled, all determined that I probably won't.

At least, from the way I have understood myself, that was the most likely mode of action.

But surprisingly, I woke up from bed realizing otherwise.

That I can.

That I can make myself stay in this job forever if I am needed to.

Maybe, we all have that 'rise to the occassion' trait in us.

So anyhow, I went to work yesterday very spirited, very uplifted, very empowered.

I didn't mind it.

Although I already have made up my mind to go.

When though, I don't know.

So when I was told yesterday that I had to take up more classes, I was a little...I don't know.

It wasn't shocked or anything. In fact, I had fully anticipated its coming. Maybe dumbfounded at my ability to prophesize was it.

So anyhow, I had wondered if I should have just told her right away that I was planning to quit.
The thought evaporated.

I didn't say what I wanted to say.

But at least, I did one thing: I asked why a trainee teacher is called a trainee teacher.

A trainee teacher is just a person who does not have professional teaching qualifications.

And after going through 'training', which I really can only shake my head about because they are essentially 'chat' sessions, after a number of years, they become the house teachers.

Is there a big deal about that?

My mentor is one who has 'blossomed under the system', who I find totally unapproachable.

So even though she said 'Please feel free to ask her anything you want' I am kind of sure I wouldn't want to do it if I can help it.

Anyhow, I am blogging now, as I was saying, in a pissed mood.

I have let off a bit of steam, although my blood is still boiling a little.

I was just told (not asked, even though they pretend to ask) to cover someone's class, the syllabi of which I totally do not do.

Well, and when I cited that, the reason is, it is the same curriculum for the time now.

And I asked in return, then you should have more choices right?

The reply was, we need 8 covers.

Ha.

There is a big hole in the system. I am not sure whether it is overlooked or ignored.

And no, I really don't quite bother.

So yes, the verdict is that I have to do the cover.

I am pissed, but I am glad.

Because all the more, I know I need to go.

I don't want to do this my whole life. I don't want to be determining the number of marbles a container 80m by 60m by 3om can hold. I don't want to only know how to solve algebraic equations.

I don't want to do this.

My life is definitely more than this.

And with this knowledge, I am moving on.

But no, I haven't decided when I will tender. It is either within the next two weeks, or the end of the year.

Worry not. I am holding on to hope.

My grip is strong.

I won't let go.

No.

not in denial, I hope

2008-05-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if you would consider me to be in denial.

I don't think I am.

But then, that may be because I am in denial. Ha...you get the logic?

...

N asked me seriously yesterday if I would consider the option that I may be suffering from depression.

Um...

I didn't really shrug her off. Remember I once wondered too.

And to be frank, I am wondering every moment.

Thanks N. =)

Her reasoning was based on the fact that I seem to be never satisfied. No matter what I do.

Yes, she is right.

I am never satisfied.

And like I say, I do wonder if what she said was the case, that I could be suffering from a lack of serotonin and hence causing myself to be depressed.

But let's cast that aside for a while and let me explain (which yes, you may consider me to be in denial if you wish):

...

If you think about it, do you recall me even feeling neutrally 'ok'?

Even when I say 'ok', it is with a slight tendency either towards the good ok, or the bad ok. Right?

I don't know. I remember so, at least.

And usually, I am either smiley or pouty. There is no neutral. Again.

So what N said started me thinking a lot again.

I like thinking, so I don't really mind.

Am I always negative?

HHmmm...yes, maybe.

I don't know if you ever realize too, but I am very sensitive.

Sensitive towards the whole mood of the environment, towards the expressions of the people.

Sensitive to the things people say, people do, their body language.

I pick it up subconsciously.

No no...I am not saying that that is the problem. It is always easy to blame it on something.

What I mean to say is,

my negative side is accentuated by my sensitive side.

Sounds logical? (Sounds like I am in denial?)

...

I really thought long and hard about what N said.

Specifically, I wonder why I am never satisfied.

If you would hear me out, I would think it is because I am still searching.

There are some people who are at ease with whatever they do no matter what they do. It is because they don't really believe in that each of us has a calling.

There are some people who are continually searching and are always moving. It is because ...

the way I understand it...

they have simply yet to find what they are looking for.

And the whole irony of the situation is, they don't actually know what they are looking for; they just know whether something is or not by the feeling.

Feeling.

Yes, it is not empirical. I know.

...

I like this analogy that Q shared with me just now.

Stability and mobility.

Remember how I said I have prayed for a job, and I was happy?

If we go by the logic, then I was happy because I have found a job.

Simple as that.

And then, why do I want to quit now?

Because I realize it is just not what I think.

Simple right?

And your question would then be, will you ever be happy?

...That is hard. That is really hard.

But then, let me ask you back,

are you ever happy?

Or are you contented most of the time?

Or are you just numb and because life is not too bad, hence you group it as being happy?

Maybe, maybe that is how we are each programmed.

The elusive thing about 'happy-ness' (happiness) is that there is no one single definition.

I am not happy now because I haven't found the thing to fill me up.

My inner void.

My calling.

...

I would choose to believe that my thoughts may not be comprehensible by everybody.

I mean, as I am studying the classics now (my course is on selected Chinese poetry and works) and really, sometimes, I feel what the poets and authors feel.

There are just people like that. People who are more vulnerable. People who are more emotional. People with finer emotional streaks.

And that is the way I am.

No no...I am not blaming it on creation or God or whatsoever---I am just saying it because I am growing to accept it.

It is not easy, because day in day out, I wonder about my psychotic inclinations.

...

We all have many gifts; we just need to find those out and share it with the world. Somehow.

Choosing to go away...

2008-05-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

After a long hard struggle, I have decided to walk away.

You know, walking away takes as much, if not more courage, than staying on.

But I have decided to walk away because it is just too difficult to stay on.

If I haven't told you, I cry twice every week without fail. No matter how hard I try to withhold my tears, no matter how strong I try to be, no matter how tight I try to hang on to the feeling of hope, I cry.

I have been crying for as long as I have been in the job...and something inside me is telling me it is not right.

I can't explain it.

Like I said a thousand times before, I prayed for the job and God gave it to me so I should be glad.

So if God gave it to me, then it must be good.

Right?

....

I don't know.

All I know is, whenever someone tells me to just quit, and I consider that, I feel relief.

Hard to explain.

It is just too difficult to explain.

...

2 weeks before, the 2nd reading:

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts but the same Spirit; there are different forms of service but the same Lord; there are different workings but the same God who produces all of them in everyone. To each individual the manifestatin of the Spirit is given for some benefit.

1 Corinthians 12: 3-7

Today's 1st reading:

Moses said to the people: "Remember how for forty years now the Lord, your God, has directed all your journeying in the desert, so as to test your affliction and find out whether it was your intention to keep to his commandments.

Deut 8: 2-3

Maybe it is everything that has led to this decision.

We are all blest with gifts. We are all called to share our gifts with the world.

This current job of mine is not bad, it is just not fitting. Somehow.

And I wonder why.

I mean, there must be something somewhere which fits my persona. There must be, because I felt it once.

It felt so right when I was in the polytechnic. So right.

But I chose this.

And yes, amidst my inner conflict, it suddenly dawned onto me, maybe maybe, this was what God wanted me to feel.

Remember how I shared before about choosing to break up with the wrong guy.

The feeling was just...bad...but somehow, I held on because I was afraid of loneliness.

But because I know how a wrong relationship feels, I know how to find the right one.

And I would choose to think that is why my current boyfriend popped into my life. Not by accident. By God's grace.

Remember I also said before, when I make wrong decisions, those are the times when I 'lose' God.

Have I lost Him now? I don't know. I only know, I can't hear Him.

I keep searching and searching but I can't see and I can't hear.

But I am still glad because God gave me guardian angels in my life. People who I can trust. People who I can ask for spiritual guidance.

This morning, we were sharing about the presence of Christ in our life and H shared about her new job.

She has had this new job as long as I have had mine but her reaction is a complete difference from mine.

She beams with satisfaction. She laughs with a twinkle in her eye.

And I kind of feel, that really should be how I am feeling.

Will I ever find that, I don't know.

All I know if, if I don't try, then I will definitely never find it.

simple life

2008-05-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

If I have my way, I would definitely not be here right now.

Listening and withstanding crap.

This one is with my mum.

She said I can't deliver my promises.

Well, I said I was going to teach her how to go on the Internet when I get back. When I got back, haha...yes, I just don't want to do it anymore.

Really, she can nag all she want, about me and my empty promises.

I don't care.

It is very tiring to care.

Just a few weeks ago, I was just asking around for places to rent. Yes, I wanted to move out.

I wish I could move out like that...but I know I will break my parents' hearts.

So I will suck it all in and just turn a deaf ear.

But that is not me. Although yes, you can argue--who are you?

Who do you think you are?

The truth is, half the world's population probably don't have an answer to that. The other half don't bother with the question.

...

Life kind of sucks really.

I can't complain much because life could be worse.

I am thankful I am in a place without natural disasters.

I am thankful I am not dying of starvation, yet.

But yes, the ungrateful mentality has caught up with me once again.

...

I don't have a solution to many of the problems I am facing now...like how my colleagues teased me about being a rabbit--I can only hope that they don't mean it in a menacing way.

I am really frustrated at the way my life is being led (note how I phrase my sentence: I didn't say leading my life, I said, my life being led...know the difference??? If not, it is ok...go read up on English linguistics).

The truth is, I have lost quite a bit of the apparent happy-go-lucky side of myself.

And yes, I said apparent happy-go-lucky.

So what is my immediate goal right now? Or maybe, not even immediate goals. What about my goals in life?

...

None.

Can I say that?

Is that a legitimate answer?

I don't have goals anymore. I just want to lead a simple life.

Simple life with simple happiness.

That is really all I want for now.

The beginning of a journey

2008-05-18T06:12:00.000-07:00

I had meant to blog last Wed.

I didn't eventually--I started writing and it is in the Draft box--because I didn't have the time to finish it.

Is it possible? Am I really so busy?

...

Frankly, I have been very very low lately.

I don't know why. It is incomprehensible.

I don't remember feeling so down when I was working in the Polytechnic, or even the lab.

I don't remember feeling so down when I just came back.

So really, I don't know why I am so down.

Unless...

Unless it is because I have strayed from the calling of God.

The path that God had called for me to take.

But you see, I prayed about this job and it was given to me. In my logical deduction, there should not be anything wrong with this episode.

The thing is, I really don't know. That is the way it should be. The way I understand it with my mere mortal mind.

But I really don't know why after I have become so despondent, so negative and so downcast.

I feel that my life is a waste. I feel that I am just a wandering soul.

Trust me--those feelings are not good at all.

And it is funny--everytime someone suggests that I quit, and I really consider the option, I am filled with relief.

Why? I also don't know.

It is incomprehensible.

...

The truth is, I hate my life right now. Very much.

And if you ask me, of course I want to do something about it. Of course. Of course I do.

I just don't know what I can do.

I think I need time out to just zone out and not think about anything.

I have a fear inside me. I am afraid that if I quit, I will have no money.

But if the only motivation for my day-to-day living is just money, isn't that a little too pathetic?

Yes it is. I really think so.

But I am not sure how much I can let it go.

Deep down inside, I don't know how to let God take care of it.

Maybe I should just quit. Like that.

And give Him the faith to guide me.

And bestow in myself the belief in His Providence.

...

Let me have the courage to begin this journey.

Let me find myself.

I am lost.

Totally.

And please, if you can spare some light, share it with me.

Please.

Inertia

2008-04-29T22:46:00.000-07:00

I have been repressing the blogging streak.

For the simple reason my life has not been good.

Yes, it is a bit ironic. Aren't blogs supposed to be the very venue to vent frustrations and express unhappiness?

Well, I guess I just didn't want the whole world to start questioning my sanity.

...

I have just finished another exam today. As of now, I have cinco mas (5 more) courses to go. The day of relief is due to be on 22nd Oct.

How am I managing?

Bad le.

Muy mal.

My days are hurried. Schedule is packed.

At work, I still feel that my colleagues have their own cliches which I cannot penetrate. So, I have switched to adopting a reserved, introverted and shy persona.

That is not how I am usually. Or rather, that is not how I typically behave. Maybe that is why I feel so repressed.

So what do I do?

Nothing.

I just do nothing.

I don't have the energy to do anything. I am tired of my life like this. But amidst my tiredness, I do nothing.

Ironic. How ironic of a life.

Yeap. That would sum it up quite nicely.

...

I am due for an interview in a polytechnic next week.

No no. Don't get me wrong. I didn't seek it because I was pissed off at the current position. In fact, the resume was posted at the same time; they just took a super long time to get back to me.

The truth is, I don't think I will get it.

But I will still attend the interview for the sake of finding out more.

So why do I not think I will get it?

For the simple reason that I am not trained in language, and that position is for a lecturer in language instruction.

Well, I guess I am glad that they are willing to grant me an interview to begin with.

...

My mum is back to her old tantrums.

Yes. I am disappointed. Very disappointed.

I remember N asking me once and I told her that my mum has changed.

I think T and G asked me too and they too were surprised to hear that.

Well well. Looks like I was the one who needs to adjust my expectations.

Like what they say, a leopard will never change its spots.

And yes, I am seriously thinking about moving out. That is one.

Else, I am thinking of leaving Singapore altogether.

Grasp, you say?

Grasp, I think too.

But I don't know. Sometimes we need to do some things to get somewhere.

I thought things would become better with time. I am tired of always being disappointed.

Maybe, maybe I can only care from a distance.

Maybe that is what I am meant to do--I just try too hard.

...

These days, the prevailing question is,

what is the price of happiness?

I am not happy now. I am not at all.

Really.

And I am disturbed by that. I think I deserve to seek for the life that I feel will make me happy.

But I can't seem to move.

What is holding me back?

...Maybe, it is the lack of guts.

...Maybe it is the call of responsibility.

Either way, I stay where I am. Either way, I continue to lead this unhappy life.

But what is the value of happiness?

The truth is, I know...if I were to incur a terminal disease (touchwood!) and I know there is a certain limit to my time on Earth, I will without a shadow of doubt give out whatever I am doing right now.

Why?

Because I don't believe in what I am doing. Not one bit.

How ironic!

Yes.

So why do I still do what I do when I am so unhappy?

Because I feel that I need to.

Because my parents need me to do it.

Ha.

So really, what is the value of happiness?

....

I doubt I will have an answer.

But worry not.

I am still very sane.

Yes, I cry quite often.

Yes, I hate myself.

Yes, I hate my life.

But no, I haven't gone nuts.

Not yet.

Like a break-up

2008-04-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

I can remember when it happened then, how much in denial I was.

Denial aside, I was also...concerned.

(I was going to say 'worried' but haha, I guess that is an overstatement so I reckon 'concerned' is more apt a word.)

Concerned because 1) I cannot imagine life without him 2) I don't know if I will ever find somebody again.

(Yes, put it in another way: I didn't think I am pretty enough or smart enough or demure enough. In fact, I have a very 'hard' personality for a girl. It seemed highly unlikely for me to be in anyone's list.)

But I remember Y telling me this (when she tried to console me):

We need to leave the wrong one so that the right one can come.

Hhmm, I thought that was quite impressive commonsense.

I mean, it is common sense, isn't it? But it is impressive.

And I think I was told by X before (also because she tried to console me):

Work on yourself. Because God will find you somebody who mirrors you.

Did you go wow?

Never mind. I remember I did.

For a while, I was heartbroken. I mean, come on! 4 years of relationship!

It was painful because suddenly, I had to live my life my own way.

We spent a huge amount of time together on the weekends. Suddenly, I was always home.

Suddenly, I had no one to talk to (although I must confess we talked about shallow things and he clearly wasn't my confidant, but well, old habits die hard...).

Suddenly, I felt I was all alone.

I had many dark periods in my life. I would imagine that that phase was one of those.

It was a mixture of many feelings. Disappointment. Grief. Misery. I don't know...

...

Of course I lived through it.

I remember for a period of time, I was even wondering if I should go to Church! (Because we were going to the same Church...)

Yes, you can imagine the kind of situation it was. Yes, it wasn't amicable.

And no, we are no longer in touch. No no no...not because of enmity or what. I just don't happen to keep in touch with the majority of my JC friends and he is unfrotunately one of them.

But anyhow, I thought it is funny that I associate the feelings so far with my previous break-up.

As you know, right now I am finally in a full-time job.

To the relief of many, I must say?

(I say that because practically everyone bugs me to get a full-time job since I have gotten back. I have debated many times and no, I shan't debate here and now.)

Whatever it is, I am in this job because of a few reasons, one of which is so that I can do as I deem in future.

Which is technically wrong.

I say that because day in day out, I feel that my soul is broken by this burden I have shoved onto my back.

And I start to wonder, who cares about the future?

I feel heartbroken that I don't have the energy to be the happy-go-lucky gal I was.

How ironic.

How very ironic.

I am miserable because day in day out, my life equation is work + study.

There is no time and no energy to do anything else.

(Give you an example: I used to be the ones reminding people to meet up for birthdays and in fact, I think it is supposed to be my friend's birthday today. But I have clearly forgotten.)

HHmmmmm...

For the past week, I was in self-hatred. Really.

Really. I hate my life so much I wish I could just pack up my bags and go away to start afresh.

(see, another thought of denial)

I went to work so broken I almost broke down in the office. I just tried very hard to fight the tears.

My job now is not a bed of roses, no. The scope is ok so far but the social casting is a bit ummm...

Everyone is niched to another. I cannot break the formation.

(But maybe of course, it is me who is not making the effort to break the formation? I don't know.)

I try, but like I said, I don't know if I am the martian or they are the martians.

Maybe maybe, let's take an objective point of view: We all need time.

Anyhow, really, there are only two approaches I can confront my state of mind:

Either I suck it up and move on, or I quit and that's it.

HHhhmmmm...

You would have guessed my stand for writing this.

...

I am bugged because I tried to live in the future.

Yes, the job is wonderful (somehow) and it provides more room for economical navigation.

But well, I forgot to consider the situation whereby I can't even live out the present.

I have cried so much that I wonder if I need psychiatric help.

But really, when I calm down and think properly, I know that this is where I should be right now.

I just have to break out of my resistant state of mind to move on.

...

Staying stuck in the same spot will not amount to anything.

I need to start living!

Like what I did after my break-up then, I will do now.

Maybe life will be more hectic. Maybe I will be more stressed.

But I know I will live through it.

I mean, if you ask me if I could have minimized my heartache, I would say yes.

Honestly. No, no sour grapes.

The truth is, I knew we were not compatible a long time ago. I just didn't have the courage to let go.

Courage.

And so I clung onto it stubbornly for so long, hoping that one day when I wake up, he will change.

But therein the state of people. Of most of us.

Is it not?

You see, my life before I left for the US has always been like that.

I am sure all of you know.

And that is why I decided to go. Hoping to run away and that things will change after my absence.

Of course, it didn't.

Of course, it won't.

And really, maybe for as long as I live, it will always be like that.

It is my problem. Nobody else can solve it.

It is my problem as long as I am the way I am now. As kong as I think the way I think right now.

But I can change, can't I?

I am sure I can.

Because I did, during that break-up.

...

I know I haven't been the most attentive friend around these days.

I am sorry.

The truth is, my life presently is a deprived one. Really, I am not kidding.

Do I like it?

HHmmm....

Hhhmmm...

I don't hate it. Or rather, I am trying my best to smooth my inner sentiments out.

No no. It is not easy.

But I do it anyway.

Because I know I need to change.

And make me stronger than I am now.

...

And I truly believe, as I look back at this phase in life a few years from now, I will truly understand why God gave me this phase.

The promise to moult

2008-04-15T17:20:00.000-07:00

I am kind of in charge of the P3 tutorials. One of the chapters is about life cycles.

Of plants and animals.

In the animal syllabi, there is this process known as 'moulting'.

Question: Why does the insect moult?

...

It was a turbulent day yesterday.

Turbulent because after I had calmed myself down with that blog entry, someone stirred my emotions up again.

Am I under stress? I don't know. Maybe.

But I remember it was really dramatic because I was weeping and eating at the same time. Can imagine the scenario?

Try it. It is kind of too weird a combo.

Anyway, yes, someone/thing stirred me up so much I had to really cry it out.

The target? My pillow lo.

That was the only way I can scream without being found out.

...

If you are tired of me saying that I cry every other day/every week, let me assure you you are not alone.

I am tired too.

Crying takes up a lot of energy ok! After every episode, I have to clear my mucus just to make sure I don't get sick from all that swallowed mucus. (Yikes. Gross...)

And then I perspire so much that I look like I have just finished running or something.

Not to mention my swollen eyes and my lethargic mind.

...

I can't say that today's state of mind will stay with me for the rest of this endeavour.

But I do want it to stay.

I want it to stay because I am as tired as you are from reading about my emotional turmoils.

I am not sure if I have said this before but the way I see my emotions, I am like the insect.

Yes, snakes as well.

Which needs to moult.

Why?

Because the old skin is too small.

Because we need to grow out of the old skin.

Maybe it is not that fitting an analogy--the 'new' skin is definitely more 'spacious'--whereas I seem to feel more suffocated right now.

Maybe...because my perspective is still the old perspective?

I was thinking about my reaction in Long Island. Had I really needed to go?

Well, that really depends on the angle that I am looking at things from.

If we disregard the role my parents play, then no. Not really.

I could always have put up with being a half-Filipino maid.

I say that because in retrospect, when I can look at it from the present perspective, the trade-off was kind of worth it.

That is something I need to learn. Looking at things from the 'future' perspective.

Something which I can definitely do when I am composed and calm.

When I do not let my emotions dominate my psyche.

...

Life is a mountain, I remember I said that once.

But sometimes, it can be a forest.

A forest of dense vegetation whereby you can't fathom your way out at all.

Using your map and your compass, you utilize your map skills and interpret that walking towards the east direction will lead you to the village that you were looking for.

So you walk.

And walk.

And walk.

What if, what if, based on your judgement you were supposed to get out of the forest in 5 hours, but you realize that that was not the case?

First reaction?

Fear?

Second reaction?

Confusion?

Third reaction?

...

If you behave 'typically' your third reaction would be self-doubt.

You will start to wonder if you have read your map properly. You will also wonder if your compass is even working.

Yes? No?

I kind of think I am that navigator who has lost faith in my own ability.

As I was telling N, I feel lost.

Yes, interestingly. I feel lost despite having considered so much before taking on this job.

Why do I feel lost?

I feel lost because...I am not sure if I should be here now.

Although I know that I should be here now.

Just like...I know I was supposed to return home after that episode in Church (seeing the lady and crying...) but I didn't want to.

I just resisted because I am not convinced about the action plan that has been paved out for me.

I know many of you are not religious but let me explain to you:

Most teachers here have to go through a co-pilot before they are formerly offered. The co-pilot serves as an assessment ground.

I didn't need to do it.

Put it another way: I breezed through the whole process.

Wasn't that good?

Ha...I don't know. I am a mortal; I don't think like God.

All I know is that I do know that I should be doing what I am doing now. I know...but I don't like it which therefore makes it difficult to reconcile the strifle.

If I know I shouldn't be doing something but I am doing it, then yes, there is some justification. But alas, no! It is the exact opposite.

So maybe I figured I could try to change my heart.

And moult my perspective.

...

I promised myself that I will continue to have faith in myself.

And in my navigation abilities.

And in my compass and map.

No, it will not be easy. Because imagine you are in the sea--is it easier to swim against the current or with the current?

Yes...and amidst all the negativity in my house, sometimes I really feel like just floating with the current.

Then I will not be so tired.

But I promise myself I won't do that.

I will continue searching for the rainbow to find my pot of gold.

I will...

And in fact, the next time she starts being negative, I have decided that I will tell her off.

Hard.

A promise...

is a promise.

Right till the end.

Car crash

2008-04-14T16:54:00.000-07:00

Week after week, I have to confront myself.

How does it feel?

-no comments-

Imagine if week after week, you have to explain to your boss why the big boss employed you.

I don't know if that is an apt analogy; it is the closest I can paint.

But that is what I do: week after week, I have to reason things out to my inner psyche as to why I am doing what I am doing.

One side cringes and cries. The other bursts out and screams.

It is an imploding Dr. Jerkyll and Mr. Hyde in action.

...

I saw this reflection in zbW.

Title, "We/Ours". Very interesting and thought-provoking article.

Apparently, it was a article written by George Carlin. He was a comedy actor of the 70-80's.

It is a pretty long article so I will just do an excerpt of the ideas which have captivated my attention:

In our times, there exist many conflicting sights. We have higher buildings but smaller hearts. We have broader expressways but narrower patience.

We spend more but we have less. We buy more but we enjoy less.

We have better qualifications but less consciousness. We have more knowledge but less execution power. We have more skills and more trouble. We have continually more advanced drug developments but less health.

We drink too much liquor, smoke too many cigarettes, spend too lavishingly, laugh less heartily, drive our cars too fast, get angry too fast, stay up too late, get out of bed too tired, read too little, watch too much TV and pray too miserably little.

We know how to earn a living, but we don't know how to live life. We waste the days in our life away...

We purified the air but choked our psyches.

We learnt to be quick, but we can't acquire the lesson pf patience.

....and it ends off with:

Bear this every single moment: Life is not measured by the number of breaths, but by the second ticking by the clock.

...

Don't ask me for my thoughts about the article. I have too many.

Ha.

And in case you are wondering: Don't I get tired of having to confront myself day after day?

...Of course I do.

But I don't know what else I can do.

If you ask me, I have a whole list of things I want to do. But can I do them now?

I don't know. If my life were only I, me and myself, then that would be nice.

But sadly, my life is not only I, me and myself.

Yesterday my mum said something which started my incessant reasoning: I want to fly, but I can't.

I am not sure if you know, but my mum is sick. So she is saying that she wants to do many things but she can't because of her health.

And I think: I want to do many things too, but my wings are clipped.

See the 'but'. I don't know if I am becoming a 'but' person.

Maybe. Maybe I am conforming to the majority. Isn't that good?

Conforming to the majority means I don't have to fight so hard anymore, right? Because 'my self' will die.

When that happens, can I survive? That is something I ask myself everyday, and that is what R asked me last night too.

You know, amidst the dissatisfaction and despise I have for my life right now, I choose to continue.

Silly? Yea.

Maybe that is a sigh of conforming.

Is it good?

Don't know.

It is one of those many things whereby you only have an answer when you lead it. Like in the Matrix when you have to choose a pill.

Once you have made your choice, that is it.

You will never know what choosing the other pill entails you to do.

All I can think of is that I will jump out of this car the moment I see it crashing.

Don't ask me if that is too late then. Remember, it is like the pill.

R asked me why I persist on when I am so unhappy. Um...I ask myself that too.

But the crux of the problem is, I don't know why I am unhappy. What about the situation makes me unhappy?

Is it the job?

Or is it my current plight?

If it is my current plight, will that change when I change jobs? Probably not.

I thought I would love to be away from home...but I am not sure.

Like R analyzed, I had the chance to be away from home but I came back.

Why had I come back? Because my conscience was pricked.

So if you ask me, which is worst: a tickling prick of conscience or the suppression of emotions?

I don't know. I guess my current psyche reasons the former to be worse. But is it really the case?

I don't know.

Frankly, I ask myself the same question:

Can I hold on? I don't know how long more I need to fight with myself.

And will it be too late when I jump out once I see that my car is crashing?

...

I don't want to see a fossilzed frog

2008-04-12T18:20:00.000-07:00

I just had a quarrel with my brother.

Over what? I don't know. He picks a fight whenever he doesn't have enough sleep, and he clearly didn't have enough sleep.

Is it my problem?

No, not when he doesn't have enough sleep. But when he goes around choking people with his hateful words, yes, it is a problem.

And I choke him back.

Moments like this make me wonder about the frog analogy.

These are push factors, clearly push factors.

The water heats up and I am finding it unbearable.

But I stay on, because I believe in evolution.

Only to realize that evolution is a process that transcends centuries.

I will probably be a fossil in the well already.

...

I don't don't like my work. Please, I don't.

And I don't take it for granted.

It is just that I feel out of place.

And that because of my spoilt-brat tendency, I am adopting more of a 'if-you-let-me-work-here-i-will-do-it; if-not-it-is-ok" attitude.

I try to coax myself that this is a good training ground for the future environment I hope to work in, so yes, I should value it.

But yes, as you probably can tell, if I have to coax myself into doing something, it probably means that my heart don't desire the same way my brain has decoded the situation.

Maybe I feel inferior? Although I shouldn't.

We have a mixture of people in the office but everyone is clearly a high-flier.

Or rather, you have to had been a high-flier for you to be there.

So why don't I like it? I have always aspired to be a high-flier, haven't I?

But therein is the key word: I aspired, because I never was.

I never was a high-flier because I do not think the high-flier way.

Because my upbringing was never the high-flier upbringing.

Because deep within my skin and bones, no matter how much I try to bring nurturing into the picture, I am still not of high-flier breed.

*laughs to myself* And so, lunch becomes a boring affair because besides the few words of comment I can utter, the remaining energy is transferred into staring at my yong tau hu bowl.

We don't talk about the same things. I don't even think we think the same way.

Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am wrong.

I think about going to Latin America and doing Argentina Tango. I think about going to UK to learn Balboa. I think about going to America and doing a long long road trip from the East Coast to the West Coast.

I think about going to Japan and learning Japanese. I think about going to Shanghai and teaching Chinese to foreigners and meeting up with PY. I think about going to Russia to learn Russian, and Jerusalem to learn Hebrew.

But I can't say that. Because nobody says that.

Maybe that is the skeleton dream that everyone leaves in the cupboard. Hoping that one fine day when they dust the room, they will bother to clear it and realize its existence.

Or maybe, nobody ever has that dream.

Because nobody ever thought about them.

Instead, maybe I should try to think about the uncontrollable expenditure in my debit column of the passbook or about going shopping to get that nice red blouse. I should know the sales and I should know which brand is the best buy-for-money.

I should because these are the bread and butter issues I should be thinking about.

...

And you know what, I really don't want to be that frog.

Day in day out, I am busy, yes. And I should be glad, because amidst that busy-ness, I do not have the time to think about my plight as a frog.

But I do worry and that fear creeps up on me pretty often.

I was telling R, what if we both become frogs?

*laughs to myself* And yes, while I will really hope that that is because of the passing of time and the change of intentions, I guess what I am really trying to say is...

Maybe one day we will become frogs not because we want to, but because our hind legs have degenerated and we are no longer able to jump out of the tall well like we could before.

...

So since I have no control over that, the only thing I can do now is to stay chirpy and hopeful and leave all to God.

The frog in the well gets a nice tan

2008-04-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

I will make this entry a short and sweet one. Or rather, I have to, because I need to get ready to go to work soon.

I am having my proficiency test tomorrow and yes, I am worried. Nervous and worried. Because I didn't do that well during the mock exam.

Mock exams.

No, I don't think they are meant to mock you.

...

After four days of work, I must say estoy muy cansada. It is very tiring. Very tiring.

Not tiring because I have to stuck on my chair for that long a time. It is tiring because I have many many cosas para hacer and no, I am not the only one with so many things to do. It is just that they have gotten round to it, and used to it probably?

And no, I do not grumble....although yes, I am still coming to terms about it.

R said he cannot understand why I cry when my logic clearly stands above all.

Um...put it this way: I am not a logical person by nature.

I am logical because I was trained to be logical. But I am not logical by heart.

That is why I cry over what other people so-acclaimed to be silly things.

Who judges what is silly?

It is subjective.

I think slaving my life is silly because I think life is precious. Others will thing that not slaving his/her life for money is silly.

Who is to judge?

Where is the logic?

...

But if you were to ask me, am I happy?

Well, all I can say is, as long as I can come to terms with the internal struggles I am wrestling with, yes, I will be happy.

And yes, I am slowly coming to terms with many things.

Pride. Ego. Continuity. Comfort. Wealth. Time.

Muchas cosas.

But that is not the thing I am afraid of right now.

What I am most afraid is that I may become...

that frog in the well.

That frog in the well which stares at the bright sky above but lusts no more.

The contented frog in the well.

Which is satisfied with water. With flies. With sunlight.

The rain comes and fills it up. I get my water.

The sun shines down and I get my tan.

Some stupid flies buzz in and I take the chance.

I have all I would ever need. It is all safe. It is all the same.

Day in day out, it will be that way (I am thinking of a tropical frog, so no snow so the water won't freeze).

That is what I am afraid of becoming.

And you know what...they always say: The very thing you fear will usually become the thing you will be. Simply because your thoughts gravitate towards it.

So really all I can is to cast that fear aside.

Cast that fear aside and continue living the life I believe in.

Right?

...

*shrug shoulders*

Affording the growth

2008-04-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

I am glad I didn't write last night.

I thought I would, but I figured I had better use the time to practise my zuo wen.

Yes, my exam is this Saturday.

I don't really have a lot of time to revise but I hope I will be fine. I think I should do ok. I think...

...

I was agitated yesterday.

Very agitated.

So agitated that a lady had to stare at me when I was on my way to work because she was curious about my crying.

Ya ah, why I cry?

Why I always cry?

Why I like to cry?

Maybe those questions were the ones in her head.

I cry because I want to.

I am sure that is a right I can at least exercise amidst the many others I can't, right?

...

I don't hate to work. I don't.

If you ask me, what would I prefer: being at home and being a waste or working my head (note, I didn't write heart and soul) out and helping to generate the economy in a meagre way, I prefer the latter.

That is indisputable.

Although yes, I do envy Y's life. Who does the things as his wishes deem.

But what is the value of being envious? You either do it or you don't. You don't stand by the side and clap hands.

And you can do that if you have the means to afford it.

Affordability, it is called, I believe.

If I can afford it, I would have my own stall and sell muffins and tarts.

If I can afford it, I would set up a stall in Manhattan Chinatown and cater to the Chinese community.

If I can afford it, I would publish my book and delicate the collections to a needy institution.

If I can afford it, I will obviously do many things. And I am sure you will too.

But the essence is, I can't afford it.

And I accept it.

...

I was trying very hard to fight the tears on my way back.

I didn't end up being a sight this time round.

But I did ponder about many issues:

What about now do I hate?

And I tried to compare with my previous experiences: Why had I enjoyed RP so much? Or even the language center?

Why do I feel how I feel when I was in the lab?

What is the problem with me?

... I think I kind of know....but I am not sure.

...

I like to call the shots in dictating the schedule I have.

That aside, I like to have a regular life. No, that isn't so right. I like to have a life with regular timings.

Like yesterday, I had my dinner at 9pm. (I think that is why they say a hungry man is an angry man?)

I would have skipped it but my lovely parents had decided to cook my dinner.

Diao.

Anyhow, that is not the point. The point is, my schedule doesn't allow a regular schedule so far.

But I like a regular schedule.

Wait, let me rephrase: I always like the things I can't have---is that what you are thinking?

Maybe you are right.

...

But no, in case you are placing a bet on me leaving soon, ...no, I am afraid you will have to part with your money.

I will not quit like that. Without even trying.

Growth may not be nice. Just like when you were growing from a teenager into an adult, did you like your responsibilities? I bet none of us did.

But like it or not, it is going to happen.

R asked me if I dread going to work.

Um...

... ... No ah.

Why should I dread going to work?

While it is not the thing that keeps me alive, it is one instrument to help me achieve the thing that will keep me alive.

Of course, then we will run into issues of how important is the present and its relative significance to the future.

But let's skip it for now.

I will stick to it and do it. Not because of anything, just because I have promised myself I will.

A promise is a promise.

I have broken my promises to myself too many times. It is time I deal with it.

Growth is not comfortable. It may even be painful. Think about a scar with new tissue growing. Even when the fibroblasts are clustered in the wound area, it will still hurt.

And it will hurt as long as you allow it to hurt.

But it is necessary.

Recollections for Fat Wednesday

2008-04-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

I just heard over the radio that yesterday was 'Fat Wednesday' in the UK.

The very reason being that people have a tendency to 1) overindulge in this particular day in post-celebration for Easter 2) not stick to their diets anymore.

That set me pondering: Had I consumed more than the reasonable amount of calories then?

I don't remember.

But I do know that emotion stirring inside me.

...

I met my senior (dance scholarship) after RCIA yesterday.

I think he meant it as a casual comment. I think I should be perceiving it in that same context.

And I am trying to...

"Eh, you have put on weight ah"

An innocent comment that got me jumping to my own defence. "Actually, no le. I have lost weight."

I don't know what is the situation now: if I am actually slimmer or fatter than when I was in Singapore.

There would be a tendency to be fat, wouldn't it? I don't do as much dance anymore.

I have work to do. I attend classes. And I do pilates/ yoga three-four times a week.

He asked if I was still dancing.

I said no...not at the moment.

And if you believe me, I struggle with that too.

I wish I have more time to do the things I want to do, but I am stretched to the limit already.

(You can assume I am finding excuses, but if you know how I lead my life, I bet you wouldn't say that...anyway...)

The RCIA session yesterday was about trust and faith.

We had played two games, of which I thought one was particularly interesting: We were being blindfolded and led around the house to touch things.

We were told to be open to the experience.

Of course, when the game concluded, the unanimous answer was that fear lurked in all of us.

Fear...what exactly are we fearful about?

...

The way I look at it, I am typical of Man. I like to be in control. I want to be able to see what is in front of me.

And sad to say, believe it or not, I am still wimping over my decision to return home. I just don't understand why my mortal wimpy mind refuses to let it go. And I don't understand what exactly about it I can't let go of.

Maybe it is the notion of 'lost': lost opportunities to learn dance and do travel.

Maybe it is the notion of 'worthy time': If God had planned for this, why did He even give me the dance scholarship?

Maybe it is the notion of faith and trust: that despite being well aware of the fact that this was the best decision, I want to lead my way.

We are all mortals, who like to believe we know better, who like to think we are better planners.

But the truth is, we can only see so far.

As far as I am seated from this computer screen.

Many a time, all we have are unknowns. And I know that.

I guess it is just my ego which refuses to submit to reality.

...

Before I left, I warned you guys that I may come back fatter than what you can recall me to be. With due recognition to the American fast food that was set to plague my system.

I came back, 3/4 of the me before I left.

To be honest, my health was not doing well then, so I had spent time recuperating and eating better. In essence, eating more.

If you ask me now, I feel better.

I may be looking plumper than before, and as a result, struggle with my identity but I can feel my core strength developing.

I can do my headstands better and handstands better.

Having said that, however, I do not deny the impact that comment had on me.

But maybe I should stop fighting this battle on my own.

I remember Bob telling me before: An alcoholic can only cease his addiction when he acknowledges this vice. So the same I will do.

I was an anorexic and I still battle with the idealism of being thin once in a while. But it is perhaps time to give it up to God.

Who obviously can do more than I can.

Who obviously can help me more than I can help myself.

Christine asked us...if we were to start letting Him lead every facet of our life, how would this attitude affect our life?

*closes my eyes to think*

Total surrender is hard. But that is what I need to do. From my own problems to my family's issues.

Trust in His Providence, for He is the only one who can see so far.

Do not worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of its own. Matt 6: 34

When a job is not a career

2008-03-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was engaged in a conversation with my parents and I was telling them how late I would be home on certain nights.

"How come?", she asked.

Because the labour laws in Singapore govern a 42 hr work week? was my answer.

"How come need to work till so late?"

Um...I didn't answer that question. I didn't know how to answer.

I know she meant well, but I was almost going to say (to her, then) I don't get a proper job, you nag. I get a proper job, you nag too.

Is there an end to it?

Is it her, or everyone in general, that we always definitely will find something to pick on just so that we can feel more superior?

...

I am starting work next Monday.

So it is still the holiday period for me. Kind of.

I spend my time preparing for my exams (I have a proficiency test next Saturday and yes, I am feeling uneasy about it. I just hope I can succeed in obtaining level 11, which requires an average of 80 marks for each of the 5 test sections). Exercising. And watching TV.

I watch the "Only in Singapore" (I think that is the official translation. It is the yi fang ban ting yi shui gang) on nights when I am at home.

It is a lovely indulgence.

No, I don't think I am turning into a couch potatoe. And I may not get the chance even if I want to, which is a good thing definitely.

I thought the episode last night was very good food for thought.

Xiuzhen, the older child, was going to sever ties with her family (including her mother) because of a condition that her father has laid out. Her father has promised her a position in a Shanghai company as well as agreed to be his father (it is complicated) if she could sever ties with her mother.

At one juncture, Xiuzhen was in tears. "It is the society! When your interests are not threatened, of course you can be noble and say that you will not succumb to the socieity and its various pressures. But..when your interests are threatened, who would still say that?"

(Note however, Xiuzhen said she will draft the official papers to 'reconcile' when she takes over the company in future. She told her mum that this was just a temporary separation.)

What is your take?

I asked my parents, what if you had a daughter like that? She can give you 2 million, but you are not related in the name of the law.

My mum said...such a daughter, I wouldn't want her!

I don't know if I believe her. No no...don't get me wrong. I do not question the moral integrity of my mum. I just wonder about the words Xiuzhen said about your interests being at stake.

...

I know this topic is very heavy. Relations or money.

Actually, if you think about it, there are many ways you can reason it out. As always.

Maybe one thing to bear in mind is, do we need the law to justify or even approve of biological blood relations.

A long time ago, I used to naively wonder if I would ever sever ties with my mum.

(Did I make you grasp? I am sorry...I know I am of a poor character calibre.)

I mean, I really cannot fathom life with her. Then, I had thought I really probably will go nuts living under the same roof.

But if you think about it,

even if the law were to acknowledgement this severance of ties, the reality stands.

In me flows her blood.

In me are her genes (and yes, the genes of my grandparents and great- and etc).

In me are her traits.

In me are her mannerisms, things that I find bizarre myself.

At the end of the day, biologically, I am a transference of her entity down the generations, like it or not.

...

I hadn't meant to talk about that. I was more keen to talk about the interests being at stake issue.

I thought she acted very well. With her teary eyes and insistent tone.

But that aside, is that really the case?

When our interests are the very ones at stake, will we bow down to the very circumstances we are in?

I don't know.

I just know, when I try to think about the life she is leading--how she has to design ploy after ploy, devise schemes after schemes, engage in strategy after strategy--I wouldn't want to lead a life like that.

It will be very tiring.

Imagine, the very purpose of your life revolving around the collapse of other people, just so that you can step on their heads and climb higher.

Yes, it may be glamourous to constantly engage in the company of the rich and the famous.

Yes, it may be carefree to not have to worry about spending that next thousand dollars in your pocket.

But underneath that shell glamour and carefree side, what do you have?

...

I told R that I set a worst-case scenario for my prospective job stint.

Maybe I won't have any 'friends'. I don't think I will mind.

(Actually, I will mind but I will be fine.)

Do I look forward to working?

That is once again the million dollar question.

You know, yesterday I was just asking N if I ever become a mainstream teacher, will I get the opportunity to teach languages?

She said, based on her knowledge of how MOE is run, probably not, unless I be a primary school teacher.

So...I don't know if I will become a mainstream teacher after all. I don't mind being a primary school teacher actually...

That day, I was just toying with the idea of doing a Ph.D in linguistics.

(Did I make you grasp again? I am sorry.)

The ideal scenario would be that I become a teacher, serve my bond, and get the Ph.D, and serve more bond.

But if that was not to materialize, then there was no point in becoming a mainstream teacher. I have heard too many horror stories.

Wait. I am saying it in terms of my current perspective. Maybe I may change my mind next year, I don't know.

Having said that, what is my long-term career plans then?

Um.

I don't know.

Is that important?

...

Nowadays, I prefer to live my life in small sections.

I look at time frames of 1 year.

So I guess for now, I won't think so much about my long-term career goal.

Although I may have an answer by next February.

The turning point I never saw

2008-03-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

I met up with T today. He is another of my buddies.

This is the first time we have caught up since I came back (which is um, good...because I haven't been able to catch up with many people. My bad...).

I met him after work. After my language stint in the Orchard place.

I like Saturdays in general, although I really loathe the first few moments when I am sleepy and sluggish because I lack sleep. But I like the moments thereafter because I can 'stone' on the way to work.

...

If you recall, I shared about my previous RCIA session, which was about turning points, and how God may have been present in each of them.

I had related to my group about that particular revelation in church, when I had seen this lady's back view who reminded me of my mum and I had cried in response.

Which then got me to realize that I was ready to go home.

It was an apparent turning point, that moment in church, when I decided to put down the heavy stone in my heart and heal.

The truth is, making the decision to finally let it all go is a difficult decision. It is...

I was led into thinking that by having misgivings about my mum, I can make my life better.

Obviously, that hadn't happen. And obviously, it wasn't going to happen. I just don't know why I had to take so long to realize that.

But anyhow, something else struck me in my 'stoning' journey today.

It was as usual a very packed train, even though it was 7am-ish in the morning.

Seated in front of me was a guy reading a Japanese instructional book. He had a PA envelope tucked under the book. I kind of wonder if he was a trainer with PA.

There was a lady standing in front of him (beside me, that is). She looked at him in amazement.

As I shifted to somewhere else, there was an Indian lady dressed in traditional Indian costume, who looked very concentrated in her preparation for a presentation about Indian Montessori Kindergartens. I certainly hope I can do a better job than her when I present.

There was a Chinese immigrant worker who was very tired from standing and immediately lunged himself onto the vacant seat.

There were two officials from the Immigration Department. They had something important to attend to at 9am.

Was I being particularly attentive?

No, I wouldn't think so.

Remember, I was tired and sluggish from the lack of sleep.

And then the revelation hit me.

Turning point.

The trip to the US.

The trip to the US was a turning point for me, wasn't it?

...

I remember acutely F telling me how I have become more cheerful after this little journey out.

R echoed her sentiments.

If you had been a frequent visitor of my former blog, maybe you would agree too.

Even I myself am amazed at the changes within me (gee, sounds like some line a pregnant woman will say...diao).

And it hit me then why I was happier these days.

I am still me. No disguise. No cloning technology.

But I didn't need to repress anything anymore.

And more importantly, I accept the things that I have to accept (ha, because I don't really have a choice).

Vividly in my mind as I 'sucked in' the sights on the train is this incident at Penn Station.

It was another Saturday and I had just missed the train back to Long Island.

Manhattan is connected to Long Island via the Long Island Railroad. Trains to my area run twice hourly, one at ..11, and another at ..40. The former is an 'express' local, while the latter is a local local.

I remember I had missed the ..11 train (which is very annoying because the ..40 train journey is half an hour longer) and I decided to browse in Penn Books.

Incidentally, I came to this stack of 'gift books' which were exquisite little books meant to be presented as gifts of inspiration and love. A guy was browsing.

As I looked at the few books, I picked one up and in the process chatted up with the guy (which I later found out that he wanted to buy for his girlfriend).

He said he wanted to buy the book for her so that she will be uplifted in this very gloomy and depressed society.

(And if you ask me, yes, I find New York very depressed a city, but that is just me.)

I said something which I can't believe to this day had come out from my system (remember, I am a closet melancholy person).

"Happiness must come within the individual herself. There is nothing much you can do besides buying her some gifts and hoping that it will cheer her up. She has to want to be happy."

Wha, right? Wha...

And I told him, "Bring her on a holiday. Tell her how much you want her to be happy."

Wha...

...

I can still recall what R told me with regard to my habit of wearing earphones on the train.

For me, it was to drown my inner voice. For him, it was a hindrance to hearing that inner voice.

Inner voices. Who ever believes in them? Who ever needs them?

Um...I don't have an answer to them.

But the thing is, I have realized that trying to hear the inner voice may be the thing that I need to learn to do.

There is so much chatter everywhere. The whole world is flooded with noise, noise that we don't need.

What we need most is that voice within, isn't it?

As T and I were talking about the outlook for each of our lives, I have to confess that that conversation has got me thinking about some other aspect of my life that I want to work on.

...

I know sometimes, nowadays, my blog sounds more like an entry from one of those inspirational self-help books.

Frankly, I am not sure if you need that (considering you are my audience...).

(But frankly too, I am not sure how many people are still reading my blog since I have no more adventures anymore...haha)

But that is really me right now.

T asked me if I am happy upon returning to Singapore.

Of course, I am...amidst the many grumbles I poured out to you on this blog.

I am because I know what I am doing.

Yes, there are moments when the going gets tough, so tough I don't know how to carry on.

But I really do believe in the possibility of all things.

ALL THINGS.

As long as you believe in it enough and want it to happen so much that you put your desires and beliefs into actions.

Maybe it is because of my faith (I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me; Phil 4:13).

Maybe it is because of the experience.

Maybe it is because of the paradigm shift.

Maybe...it is just the way I am meant to be.

I really don't think I was like this before. I know I was positive, but not so believing.

Frankly, all I want to do right now is to have the courage to live out this phase of my life which I so believe in.

No, it won't be easy.

But I will make it happen. For my life to be just the way I want it to be.

If you believe

2008-03-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

The sharing last night was about the great moments of joy and pain in our lives.

I was hesitant about the sharing but I went along with it anyway. However, I started with a disclaimer that said "This may affect your opinion of me but well, this is really the way it is..."

And I shared about my relationship with my mum.

I shared about that slap at 14, and how things hadn't been good since and how I have wanted to run away from home. How I cannot stand staying under the same roof with her, how I cannot fathom the idea of the rest of our lives together.

Maybe that is why I actually miss being on Long Island.

I was stunned at my own thoughts. Just what is wrong with me? When I was inside it, I had tried so hard to fight it. I was so positive that was the decision. And to think that I had thought through it so thoroughly! And wasn't I absolutely positive that the best decision was to return home?

Where was that strong inclination?

...

Well, I have reservations penning this entry too. I mean, I am positive that this entry may render me a target for squashed tomatoes and rotten eggs, not just for you, but for myself too.

*attempts to look for a pail to put tomatoes and eggs in*

And the truth is, I can't understand what I am thinking either. I am as fed-up as you are, if you are. Ha.

So really, just what am I thinking?

...

If you ask me, do I think I am alone in dealing with these sort of problems, I would say no.

True to what I thought, I wasn't the only one.

Family issues are taboo if you are a typical conservative and traditional Chinese. I breached the taboo by sharing that one and only slap I had got and in return, I got my team members to open up a bit more of themselves.

Frankly, I am sure we have had these moments of family confrontation and conflict, all of us, at certain points in our lives.

The truth is, while we all have our own stories to tell, it is just that some of us are emotionally stronger and are able to stare at it in the face. Others, crumble under the pressure.

I would think that I am still crumbling, although I am seeking for divine intervention for the strength to stand up.

As what the sharing session was about--seeking for the divine side of God to be in us.

When confronted with problems, there are undeniably always at least two options: fight it, or leave it, to God.

One of the members shared about a family member's fight with cancer. And I thought that indeed all these little struggles and hiccups in life are like cancer cells.

Malignant or benign they become, you actually have a say.

...

I keep thinking about life in Long Island these days because of the opportunities I felt that I have missed.

Why can't I let it go?

Well, and I can tell you it is because life under the same roof is not as pleasant as what I had imagined it to be.

Maybe that's just the fact of life. Absence does serve as a useful platform for tolerance and respect.

And so I brood. I harp. And I wonder why I can't have sucked it all up for a while more.

And I imagine that if I had suck it up, what I would have been able to achieve.

And of course, escape from. Ha.

Writing all these makes me want to laugh. I find my thoughts so ironic.

Because deep down inside, I know that I had returned home because it was time. I had thought through it carefully enough to know that I had returned home so that I can go away in future (I know that this is very hard to understand). And the thing is, I know that God was leading me home...

I mean, yes, while it had dawned onto me these few days that even with the skills and qualifications I have, I may still not get the chance to return to that part of the world and finish up the things as I had hoped to.

But still, even if I had stayed on, would I definitely have been able to do that?

Can I run away from the calling of my conscience and do my things in peace and serenity?

...

Frankly, I don't think it is wrong to indulge in the 'what-if's once in a while. It is after all, human nature to conjure up possibilities and be blown away by the possibilities.

I guess I am just annoyed at my own thoughts because I am taking eternity to grow out of this unfitting old mould.

I indulge in the 'what-ifs' too much too frequently. Even when I am clear about the course of action and the reasons of it.

It is clearly a personality fault. Which is time to grow out of.

I was talking to H yesterday and she told me to learn to not take responsibility for everything.

Thinking about it with a clearer state of mind, I know that she is right.

I am not responsible for everything, so why do I want to believe that?

I had come a long way in learning to stand up for what I believe in. I had taken 6 months to learn the lesson of valuing my worth and my beliefs and the very essence of my being, and am I going to throw time away like that?

That would really be painful, to have to struggle with my own self.

And why can't I just leave the fate of my life to God? What do I not trust? In myself, or in God?

...

...really, I kind of think maybe despite all that I believe God can do, I never once believe He will help me with this baggage.

...

Maybe then it is time to believe.

Maybe then it is time to truly understand that God can do what humans can't.

Maybe then it is time to leave it to God, so that He will do the rest.

Maybe then it is time to just concentrate on my life now, and stop recounting the past which never happened.

Maybe then today is the day I will start believing.

The negative vibe in the depressed house

2008-03-23T23:04:00.000-07:00

The official diagnosis is that she has depression.

No, it is not the serious serious kind which requires intensive western medication.

Chinese herbs can generally do the trick. Or so the physician claimed.

As to why she always feel this pain in the abdominal area which she mistakeningly insist as gastric-related discomfort (she tells everyone she has gastric problems), it is because that area is very close to the heart.

In essence, the pain she is feeling is linked to the stress of the heart. No, it is not heart disease and the such; it is just a 'stress' experienced by the heart.

I think that may explain why when I worry too much, my heart hurts too.

...

Frankly, I think my house has a negative vibe.

Either that, or I hold a negative connotation of my house (which doesn't make sense, right?).

I don't know. All I know is I always feel very suffocated when I am home.

I feel very irritated. Very ill-tempered.

Wait, maybe that is an inherent trait of me?

*pauses to think* Maybe.

But no, I don't don't like it at home. I just ...

just...

feel suffocated.

Maybe everyone feels suffocated? Maybe that is an inherent trait of the society?

No, I am starting to think it is more of an inherent trait of me. To want to run away.

*shake head*

...

You know, I hate the escapist-side of myself.

Yes, I hate it to the very core.

Right now, I know what I have to do and why I am doing what I am doing.

I know that I am taking on the current position because I want to finish my studies yet earn a living.

I know that after this one year, I can soar again if I want and God permits.

But I can't convince myself. Yet.

I keep wanting to fast-forward time. The way I had wanted time to speed last January, I can still clearly recall (because I can't wait to get out of the house so that I can go to the USA).

So day in day out, I conceive of possibilities which enable me to do otherwise...when deep down inside, I am well too aware of the things I need to finish up right now.

...

I rememeber the Priest reminding us not to take up our own Crosses.

He beseeched us only to take up those conferred by Jesus.

I guess the danger is that sometimes, we can't even see which crosses are dictated by ourselves and which by Jesus?

So if you ask me, can I manage the fact that she has depression?

Um...kind of, I guess.

You see, I am aware of how much I can do and anything out of that boundary, I am afraid she has to fight it herself.

She can continue to be depressed. She can continue to complain and grumble. Not that I don't care, but there is really nothing much I can do to help.

All I know is, all she does is make everyone annoyed and irritated and unhappy. I don't think she consciously does it. She just doesn't know how to live otherwise, maybe?

But having said that, yes, I am affected that she is like that.

...

Maybe that is why the house has a negative vibe.

Maybe that is why everyone is always so unhappy.

A visit to the doctor

2008-03-21T20:57:00.000-07:00

I am starting to realize that the events in life has itself a baffling side.

Yes, it is a good thing. Thank God for these little ironies.

...

After a two-day wrestle with the flu virus (this is the newest strain. The previous strain probably underwent some mutations and this is really potent. I was experiencing muscle soreness all over and I would be breaking out in cold sweat one moment and being profusely sweaty the next), I decided that I had better see a doctor.

Yes, this is the third time I am falling sick ever since I came back. So yes, they always say that three is the magic number.

Anyhow, I kind of believe that my dread to visit the doctor had something to do with the fact that I really didn't hope to see her.

No, not that usual kind of patient fear for doctors.

I was afraid that she will nag at me. Like how she used to.

So really, it was really bo-bian that I popped into her clinic.

...

Like I say, I thank God for the existence of these little surprises in life.

I can still very clearly remember how she told me off last year when I made up my mind to leave the country.

She said many many things, some blatantly hurtful, others innocently frank.

Whatever those things were, I cannot recall too clearly. I only remember that as far as I can help it, I will really never want to visit her clinic!

Maybe, maybe that explains my resistance to visit her despite the fact that I was quite sick last week.

So, when she said what she said, I was amused. Deep inside.

"You are a very interesting person. So what are you doing now?"

That was clearly NOT what she had said last year.

I told her my plans. And the next weirdest thing happened!

She told me to look at the British Council's website. She said it may be useful.

(And I just took a look, and she is right!)

Ha. Funny, isn't it?

And on my way home, I wonder if that is the mentality of people:

The first response would be discouragement.

When they realize your mind is more staunch than Mt Everest, they realize the only thing they can do is give you their blessing.

At least that is the impression I gathered following the trip to the doctor.

...

When I sit down and examine my plans, I can confess that I have fear.

Fear that ultimately, I will succumb to that bug.

The comfort bug which plagues the many of us. Which may inevitably hits us all.

Inevitably, I say.

I don't know if then, will there be a doctor who is able to prescribe medicine for my condition.

So really, till then, what I do is to constantly remind myself of my three most immediate prescriptions.

Chinese, Japanese and Spanish.

Hopefully, they will serve enough an immunity potency when the need arises.

I heard God say...

2008-03-20T20:23:00.001-07:00

I am sick again.

Down with flu (at least I think so, because my joints are all aching and I have a cough and a runny nose) again.

The best I can remember--I have only been back for a month plus, and I remember being sick for a majority of that time.

Gosh. That scares me.

Is there something wrong with my immunity? Or is it just the weather?

For the first time, I will make sure I execute my intentions of having a full body check-up. (Just to really make sure my white blood cells are at normal levels)

...

I kind of had a conversation with God last night.

I said 'kind of' because it was very surreal. So surreal that I really question if it were a product of my imagination, or did it really happen.

It took place in Church. During Mass.

I remember being very frustrated by my physical discomfort. I was feeling hot and cold in the not-very-well-ventilated deck.

Mang zhang.

So amidst that state, a sudden fear griped me.

Don't ask me why. Don't ask me the factors that led to it.

It happened. Like a snap of the fingers.

What if I had leukemia?

And again, why leukemia, I also don't know. Maybe because I would attribute this depressed immunity to a lowered WBC count and if that is the case, it is usually leukemia.

Correct me if I am wrong.

So of course, a thousand and one thoughts competed for my attention together with the Mass proper.

I remember realizing that I was staring into space. Really, trust me, I am attentive in Church most of the times. You have to trust me.

But it seems that that particular moment, I was stuck in one dimension of time. The clock was ticking, but everything else was just frozen.

(Hence why I had thought maybe it was my imagination...but anyhow,)

So yes, that fear gripped my head. And the first thought was of course, R.

And then my friends and family.

It was all very scary. Really.

Imagine, if you (touchwood) had a sickness. What would your immediate reaction be?

Yes, unmistakingly, fear.

And then....?

I don't know...that was really what the conversation was about.

That really, I shouldn't be feeling defeated by the many hiccups in my life.

(Yes, I know that. I suppose I don't live my life out portraying that belief.)

My mum is sick. Sometimes, I really wish I could be sick for her.

My dad works hard. Sometimes, I really hope I could relieve that load off his shoulders.

But in my quest of doing that, I am upset. Because the world doesn't change.

I had thought that by returning home, I would become that cure-all.

Of course, that is clearly wishful thinking.

...

The truth is, we have to live our life out. Some crosses are meant to be carried yourself.

And so, when I was thinking about the possibility of me being sick and how I will miss my family and friends, I realize that if that really were to happen (touchwood!!!!!!!), then I must be strong.

I have always been telling my mum (because she is actually very disheartened by her own condition) that patients die not because of the illness, but because of their fear.

They die because they let the fear swallow all causes to continue fighting.

And no, I do not think it is easy to fight. Just look at me. I already feel defeated at some little obstacle in my life. I really don't know how I will manage with bigger things.

But therein is the challenge.

...

So what is the conclusion?

Ha, frankly, I don't really have any.

I remember two things though, that I will live my life strong and stronger.

That I will remember that everything I have--my life, my gifts, my ability, my money and all--come from God.

To put it flatly, he kind of 'loans' it out to us. In this mortal body we each possess.

As to what we do with it, it is entirely up to us.

So I ended up asking myself, if I really were to pass on, do I have regrets?

HHmmmm...hard question.

Yes and no.

*diao* *faints?*

Yes, because there are still things I would have hoped to achieve with this life. Like a life of adventure.

And of course, I will want to be with my friends and family and all for as long as I can, like till the end of time?

But should that not be possible, then no, because whatever time I have had, I had done the best I could with it. Be it in terms of learning a new skill or sharing my gifts.

Life, of course, is not always a straight affirmative and no.

...

We ended the conversation by my promise to live my life meaningfully and fully.

And I will, I tell myself...I must.

But I will still go for that body check-up, just in case.