But life is to be led forward

Today I started the day with a low mood.

What is a low mood?

It is not that I am in a bad mood. I am just feeling a little down, that is all.

...

With the contract likely to end in a while, I am in an active search for jobs.

I have been actively searching since February.

I wouldn't say that it has been fruitful. And I am not sure where to point the finger to.

Do I point it to just after University, when I was deciding on a course selection? Then, shouldn't I have just pressed harder with my wild thoughts intentions (whatever they were) and made sure that I stuck to it?

Or maybe I should have just compromised my ideals?

Wouldn't I have done a different thing, made a different choice, and emerged differently?

Or was I too confused? Too spolit for choice? Too protected? Too self-egoistic?

Do I point it to the point after my first year when I could have just taken the less-than-desired scholarship to go to Australia? Wouldn't I have become a professional?

Do I point it to when I was in University? To the four years when I should have persevered harder and made sure I got a better grade?

Well, life would have been *extremely* different, wouldn't it?

Do I point it to when I decided to give up on science? I would have become a Dr. had I just converted to that.

But I don't know why I say all these. Why do I even bother thinking about it?

...

Like I say, I am feeling a little blue this morning.

The fact is, I did have an offer from a prospective agency. The offer is not excellent but it is nonetheless an offer. The sad thing is, I was advised to foresake my honeymoon plans for the job.

"Since plans are not firmed up yet, why not go another time?"

But why should I do that?

I mean, yes, it is kind advice definitely. For a greenhorn like me who does not have a career mould at all, I should be concerned about building one up.

At all costs?

But at this juncture, I ask myself if I should bother.

It is not like this offer is my dream job. I think I will be enticed by it. I think I will enjoy the challenges. I think I will like the learning experience.

But I wonder if my values fit in with the system-the societal system-at large.

Have you ever wondered: Are there so many "other time"s in our life?

I have learnt one thing for sure: for things I feel certain about, I shouldn't let anything dissuade me.

Anything.

Because at the end of the day, they don't live with the decision I made. I do.

...

Just yesterday, I had gone for a test for another job. I emerged from the room downcast and disappointed.

I didn't think I do a good job. I don't think I will make it.

And this morning, I had received two rejection emails regarding my application for another two posts.

Yes, of course that added to my mood.

As I am writing down, I am wondering if I am competent in anything at all.

And of course, I am still dreaming about how life would have been different had I done a different thing during when and when and when.

But I know that life can only be led forward.

And as of now, that job is in the midst of negotiation. I do know where I stand. I am very clear about it, even though I feel that yes, it is a bit of a pity if I should let it go just because there is a lapse in expectation-plan.

Maybe I should console myself with that this is not God's plan.

Or so I hope.