Letting go.

Last Sat was E's wedding.

I hadn't expect to be invited. But I was, and so I went.

I hadn't expected the others to be there. But they were, and so I had to learn how to interact with them.

Like I have mentioned, the mood is always weird. Since that time at N's wedding. Why, I don't know. I would have thought old friends should be glad to see each other again. Well, obviously I was glad to see them. I just don't think they felt the same.

...

To be frank, I was really surprised to see E and H getting together.

I remember being very surprised. And I am still surprised.

Surprise because for a while, he had been so adamant to try to work something out with T. Whatever happened to them, I don't know. I only know that I saw T with her boyfriend a few times. I suppose things did not work in his favour?

Surprise because marriage was also what he had conceived for us in the beginning. He had thought we will become man and wife. But we hadn't, of course.

And because cracks started surfacing between us only after we have been together for two years plus, I can't help but wonder if he has the maturity to see it through.

No, please don't get me wrong. I do wish them all the best. I do.

It is just...a certain skeptism towards his alleged pledge.

It is the same as other people viewed me, I suppose. We are stuck with that notion in time. Perceptions never change.

...

I have learnt something.

The more you try to hold on to something, the faster and easier it will go.

I say that because when I sit around the table with my group of JC classmates on Sat, I can't help but recall the many pledges I have laid down.

I had told myself I will try my best to make this batch of friends last for a lifetime.

I was determined to make my close friends my best friends, ever.

But nothing had lasted.

The relationship with E lasted about five years before I called it off.

There were five of us who were quite close but I had drifted away.

I kind of lost contact with those in the Elective programme.

Maybe, maybe I didn't really try my best after all.

...

You know. I am starting to like who I am now.

I didn't use to.

I thought I was too fat, too stupid, too big-boned, too foolish, too poor, too hesitant, too weak-willed.

I practically kind of hate myself.

I was not perfect. And I was upset I am that way.

But ...recently, I have stopped feeling this way. Exactly when I don't know. The revelation just came to me last night.

Like...I am supposed to look like an ah-lian now. Or so my aunt would claim, with my highlighted hair and tattoo.

(Actually the highlight is coming off...so I don't really look like an ah-lian anymore)

But I like myself.

Like...I have two left feet actually. I can't really remember dance steps.

But it is ok. At least I try and enjoy myself in class.

Like...I am totally hopeless in Japanese class. I don't really understand what the Japanese script says in my book usually.

But never mind. As long as I improve every day and I am happy learning something new.

And I am more confident.

Somehow.

I am confident of who I am, what I am, what I will become and who I will be.

Maybe this is how it will be when you have found God.

Maybe this is how it will be when you let go of who you think you are, and become the who you were supposed to be.