If I should be duh now

I thought the worst was over.

Well. I guess, it didn't quite turn out the way I thought.

But I was still glad.

I am slowly learning how to look at things from a different dimension. And I am glad about that.

...

They called and asked me to cover one teacher's class.

Exactly why I don't know. All I know is that the teacher took urgent leave once again.

I was already covering a class at 1145am. And they wanted me to do one at 2pm.

My own class was supposed to be 315pm, which means yes, I would be late, but it would be ok.

Diao.

And I wouldn't have minded it one bit had I prepared for class already, but the truth is, I hadn't.

I think most people couldn't understand that. Even my own colleagues were baffled.

Well, I didn't explain. I don't think I need to.

If you think I am inefficient (and you can go tell the boss for all I care), and I have done my best, then the implication is pretty clear right?

I was on MC on Mon. I was preparing for the Thursday's class on Tue. I was off on Wed. I was preparing for Fri's class on Thursday. And I was preparing for Sat's class on Fri.

Day in day out, I have been doing so much Math until I am sick of it.

Really.

I was also asked on Tue to take over some classes on Fri. '3 days notice, ok lah...?'

Yes, ok la if I sit around all day.

Please lo.

...

So I also don't know why I just cry.

I cried very hard in the toilet until the auntie asked me if I wanted to talk.

And I told her how I felt.

I don't mind being a trainee, but please make it fair.

And really, the more I think about it, the angrier I am.

In fact, I was crying more of anger (win already, I really cry because of everything right) and injustice.

I told the HR afterwards that I don't really care a d*** about this job.

Please lo. Training--where is it?

Please lo. Trainee, without training--till when?

Please lo. You are trying your best--can you at least show some transparency?

...

So what is the verdict now?

I am searching. But I will be here till I find something.

The rule here is, a two-month notice is necessary after confirmation.

Well, ok.

Technically, I am not betting on anything. I am just telling myself,

God-willing, His Grace will descend upon this situation and offer me an alternative.

Else, by His Grace, I will stay here till the end of the year (actually, after I finish my last paper, which is in Oct), I think I will be ready to go.

...

I had a talk with Y.

And really, think about it.

This is a secure place, yes. But this is a place with limitations.

You really must be contented with what you have already to want to stay here all your life.

Am I not contented?

Maybe.

One thing I am sure, it is a place for me to kill time as I am finishing up my Diploma.

But it is not a place to soar.

And no, I am not saying that I am an eagle. For all you know, I may just be a little chick incapable to fly.

But at least, I know even a little chick I may be, I seek to see the skies and be around where eagles fly.

...

For all who are wondering if I am in a better mood...I think yes.

I am slowly seeing my direction. Like I said, I stay here to kill my time.

Yes, there may be better ways to kill time. More productive ways too.

But till that option opens up -- I am knocking already; but not all doors are opening -- I am glad with the current duh way of life.

We all need to be duh once in a while.

So let that be now.

Not letting go...

If I had blogged earlier, my sentiments would have been completely different.

I would have written, "I don't usually believe in taking drugs for my nose. But last night, I had to."

"And because of the drug, I had the luxury of sleeping to dawn without my usual awakenings throughout the night."

"Some people live their life like that. Hoping to just engage in the motion of living till the point of death."

"It is not an apt analogy, but maybe that is how life is, for the many of us--always in a slumber, always asleep."

And that was supposed to continue into something very uplifting, like "And to think that I have always thought I knew myself best."

But yes, I have not written the moment I woke up. That was my mood then.

Now?

I am quite pissed.

But worry not, amidst my relaying to you the turn of events which made me piss, it will still be along the same line of being inspirational.

=)

If I haven't told you, I have made up my mind to leave the place.

Yes, if you have been faithful, you would be known.

Where to? I don't know.

And actually, that doesn't quite matter. Because I continue to believe that God will lead me to it when it is time.

When it is time.

When is that?

I don't know. And I was going to share about some interesting revelation I have come to discover for myself.

You see. I am pretty independent.

I don't mind doing things alone. As you can probably tell from my learning dance, to yoga, to Spanish, to going to America.

There is nothing too daunting about being independent.

But I kind of assume that I am so independent that I will never do anything for anything if I have the chance.

Call it fair trade.

Because I don't ever want people to do anything for me.

That spells potential for emotional blackmail. So yes, that has always been my philosophy.

Until the day before yesterday. (Wait, I am not sure if my blog is still in US time. Anyhow, it is Sun night on my side when the conversation occurred.)

I was asked a question, on whether I will do something (that I can't even stand to do now) for the person.

I went to bed, very unsettled, all determined that I probably won't.

At least, from the way I have understood myself, that was the most likely mode of action.

But surprisingly, I woke up from bed realizing otherwise.

That I can.

That I can make myself stay in this job forever if I am needed to.

Maybe, we all have that 'rise to the occassion' trait in us.

So anyhow, I went to work yesterday very spirited, very uplifted, very empowered.

I didn't mind it.

Although I already have made up my mind to go.

When though, I don't know.

So when I was told yesterday that I had to take up more classes, I was a little...I don't know.

It wasn't shocked or anything. In fact, I had fully anticipated its coming. Maybe dumbfounded at my ability to prophesize was it.

So anyhow, I had wondered if I should have just told her right away that I was planning to quit.
The thought evaporated.

I didn't say what I wanted to say.

But at least, I did one thing: I asked why a trainee teacher is called a trainee teacher.

A trainee teacher is just a person who does not have professional teaching qualifications.

And after going through 'training', which I really can only shake my head about because they are essentially 'chat' sessions, after a number of years, they become the house teachers.

Is there a big deal about that?

My mentor is one who has 'blossomed under the system', who I find totally unapproachable.

So even though she said 'Please feel free to ask her anything you want' I am kind of sure I wouldn't want to do it if I can help it.

Anyhow, I am blogging now, as I was saying, in a pissed mood.

I have let off a bit of steam, although my blood is still boiling a little.

I was just told (not asked, even though they pretend to ask) to cover someone's class, the syllabi of which I totally do not do.

Well, and when I cited that, the reason is, it is the same curriculum for the time now.

And I asked in return, then you should have more choices right?

The reply was, we need 8 covers.

Ha.

There is a big hole in the system. I am not sure whether it is overlooked or ignored.

And no, I really don't quite bother.

So yes, the verdict is that I have to do the cover.

I am pissed, but I am glad.

Because all the more, I know I need to go.

I don't want to do this my whole life. I don't want to be determining the number of marbles a container 80m by 60m by 3om can hold. I don't want to only know how to solve algebraic equations.

I don't want to do this.

My life is definitely more than this.

And with this knowledge, I am moving on.

But no, I haven't decided when I will tender. It is either within the next two weeks, or the end of the year.

Worry not. I am holding on to hope.

My grip is strong.

I won't let go.

No.